Stop Walking On Eggshells - Book

[Takethepieces]

I'm really pissed off at the moment. Yesterday I went downstairs to find the book -

"Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder"

on the table. My... mother or dad had bought it. I find this so FRIGGIN insulting. It's the fact this book is encouraging them to control ME. Control the "relationship". It can royally shove it. I dont want them to control anything. They dont control anything at the moment. I am not part of this family. I pay my own way, I dont ask for money, I pay for EVERYTHING I do. I buy my own clothes, toiletries, entertainment (magazines, dvds, whatever), travel & food that is just for me. There's no relationship. I don't want to talk to them about anything that's going on with me because I hate... disrupting people. This book is pissing me off so much. I've not mentioned the fact I know it's there to them. I think its the fact it says "Taking your life back" which pisses me off the most. I HAVENT F---ED THEIR LIVES OVER! If anything, they're better since I've been a mess because of the fact I take myself out of situations. Holiday? Yeah. I'm not going. Family meal out somewhere nice? No thanks. Even simple things like eating at the table together, I dont join in because I dont... belong here.

Am I wrong in being so insulted by this? I desperately don't want to live here anymore & want to move out but I am on Job Centre income support & can't afford it. I would love to move somewhere & start fresh, I think it may help but I've not worked for over a year because I keep getting worse so I doubt I'd be able to find a job easily.

Has anyone read this book?

Thanks.

[Fairy]

Hey,

I have read this book, as has my husband. I agree with you to a certain extent, to me it felt like, "How to handle an adult who behaves like a toddler". That said, it did help my husband understand some of the way I can behave. It did stop blame, create understanding.

This may not be what you want to hear, but they must care to go to this much bother. I know it is hard, it feels like criticism, but maybe they are trying to see things from your perspective. We don't go to that much bother unless we love people.

Fairy xxx

[Lily-Bee]

I can understand your feelings, I probably would feel the same if I found my parents reading that book.

However the book can be used with the best intentions though, to help understand you better and such. Maybe just ask them why they bought it. See what they say.

Lilly

[sundries]

/Yes I would be very insulted by that book. Its just bitching touted as self help/healthcare.

There are far more mature boks about borderline and how to respond. If your parents gave a toss they would have got some of those books and not tactlessly left 'stop walking on eggshells' lying round in the house.

If I were you id go out and buy 'memoires of a bad mother' and leave it lying around. And perhap tac 'this is the verse by philip larkin' up on the fridge (they fuck you up your mum and dad)

and i dont even have borderline (yet) so im not behaving like a toddler lol (

[Pynn]

Yeah, I think I'd feel insulted as well!

"Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder"

WTF? It's not like I completely RUIN anyones life by having BPD. If any life is ruined by this, it's mine!

But yes, Fairy is right. They got this book because they care about you, and because they want to understand you and your illness. Just wait and see until they've read it, maybe something positive comes from it?

Love,

Lynn

[sundries]

If my mum got it it wouldnt be cos she cared

it would be cos she wanted to make a display of contempt for me

at best it would be because she wanted to 'control' the relationship for her own sake....not for mine.

[fastfish]

Maybe they thought they were trying to be supportive. For people who don't have BPD they really don't understand what it must be like to have it - christ i have it and it confuses me half the time! I can see how you got insulted by it and why but maybe look at it the other way. Maybe they want to find out more about what it is and how they can help you. They wouldn't necessarily know which books are the best books to read. There is so much out there about BPD and it can be really hard to judge which ones are helpful and which ones aren't. Maybe you could get Josh's book and give it to them to read. He's giving it away for just a small donation at the moment if you don't already have a copy. They may see that you are then trying to help them see how it is for you as well.

I know i'm not in your situation and I don't know your parents or your relationship with them but just my two penneth worth.

Alice

[lookin4an3scape]

i would be offended too! i have seen that book before and don't like it.. i don't even like the title.. it makes me feel like a huge problem to ppl. one time my mom was like, "i'm not gonna walk on eggshells anymore!".. that pissed me off. it deflects any personal responsibility she has to contributing to the problem and puts it all on me. there are a lot of bpd books i don't like and i find them insulting.... i think it is because a lot of them are old.. and there is still a lot of stigma.. but more so when the older books were written. maybe?

[periwinkle]

i would be offended too! i have seen that book before and don't like it.. i don't even like the title.. it makes me feel like a huge problem to ppl. one time my mom was like, "i'm not gonna walk on eggshells anymore!".. that pissed me off. it deflects any personal responsibility she has to contributing to the problem and puts it all on me. there are a lot of bpd books i don't like and i find them insulting.... i think it is because a lot of them are old.. and there is still a lot of stigma.. but more so when the older books were written. maybe?

******************

The person that wrote that book also has (what I feel) is a very damaging website. Many BDP sufferers often mistakenly go there and are told they are not welcome. The website is www.bdpcentral.com (I think) anyway, it was so depressing. They seem to be all about helping family/friends/etc. to LEAVE or abandon their BPD sufferers and "reclaim" their own lives. The last thing a BDP needs are the very people that love them, to leave.... I guess you get my take on the book. Also, the author's "mother" was not a BDP, she suffered from bi-polar syndrome...

~Periwinkle

[Takethepieces]

I can't take anymore of it. Today my mother has been so... blunt & horrible with me. I'm assuming it's because of the book. Be cause she's "taking her life back". It's as if I'm getting in her way whenever I'm in the same room. I simply put some washing in the washer earlier & was starting it up & she rolled her eyes & said "great, more washing" (FYI, my brother has alot of washing everyday. I can hold off until the end of the week so I really dont have much) & i just ignored it, she was upstairs when i was coming back to my room & she was complaining about how my brothers room is a mess because of all his dirty clothes & how my room is probably a mess & I said "you should make a rule for him to wear his clothes a certain amount of time before he can wash them" & she said "there's no point making rules, no one listens to me"

ARGH!!!! I've been looking into moving out but I just CANT manage it with no savings. This is making me ridiculously eager to harm myself or end it altogether.

thank you for all your messages. im glad others feel the same xx

[Takethepieces]

The website is www.bdpcentral.com (I think) anyway, it was so depressing. They seem to be all about helping family/friends/etc. to LEAVE or abandon their BPD sufferers and "reclaim" their own lives.

exactly! the site is http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php even on the front page theres a book saying "The essential family guide to borderline personality disorder" which is ridiculous.

They also have these beauties -

SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist

Love and Loathing: Protecting Your Mental Health And Legal Rights When Your Partner Has BPD

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has BPD

Hope for Parents: Helping Your Borderline Son Or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family Or Yourself

How does this place even exist. ARGH. I'm so angry :(

[periwinkle]

I can't take anymore of it. Today my mother has been so... blunt & horrible with me. I'm assuming it's because of the book. Be cause she's "taking her life back". It's as if I'm getting in her way whenever I'm in the same room. I simply put some washing in the washer earlier & was starting it up & she rolled her eyes & said "great, more washing" (FYI, my brother has alot of washing everyday. I can hold off until the end of the week so I really dont have much) & i just ignored it, she was upstairs when i was coming back to my room & she was complaining about how my brothers room is a mess because of all his dirty clothes & how my room is probably a mess & I said "you should make a rule for him to wear his clothes a certain amount of time before he can wash them" & she said "there's no point making rules, no one listens to me"

ARGH!!!! I've been looking into moving out but I just CANT manage it with no savings. This is making me ridiculously eager to harm myself or end it altogether.

thank you for all your messages. im glad others feel the same xx

**************************

Part of our problem is the "invalidation" we've felt growing up, and lets face it, the disfunction of the family. Having to stay in a disfunctional relationship triggers our rage, which (I at least) internalize. I hate myself for not feeling I have any control over the situation and helpless when I feel I have no where to go...

Can you get out of the house and go for a walk to calm down a bit? Sometimes this helps me...

[periwinkle]

I can't take anymore of it. Today my mother has been so... blunt & horrible with me. I'm assuming it's because of the book. Be cause she's "taking her life back". It's as if I'm getting in her way whenever I'm in the same room. I simply put some washing in the washer earlier & was starting it up & she rolled her eyes & said "great, more washing" (FYI, my brother has alot of washing everyday. I can hold off until the end of the week so I really dont have much) & i just ignored it, she was upstairs when i was coming back to my room & she was complaining about how my brothers room is a mess because of all his dirty clothes & how my room is probably a mess & I said "you should make a rule for him to wear his clothes a certain amount of time before he can wash them" & she said "there's no point making rules, no one listens to me"

ARGH!!!! I've been looking into moving out but I just CANT manage it with no savings. This is making me ridiculously eager to harm myself or end it altogether.

thank you for all your messages. im glad others feel the same xx

**************************

Part of our problem is the "invalidation" we've felt growing up, and lets face it, the disfunction of the family. Having to stay in a disfunctional relationship triggers our rage, which (I at least) internalize. I hate myself for not feeling I have any control over the situation and helpless when I feel I have no where to go...

Can you get out of the house and go for a walk to calm down a bit? Sometimes this helps me...

[Takethepieces]

unfortunately I've never had a disfunctional family. Its quite normal, it's just recently & also because of this damn book. & I could, but if I did they'd question me & just be really unnecessary about the fact I left the house. I'm gonna sleep it off I think.

edit. by "unfortunately" I mean, ...i dont have a good reason to feel so much anger.

[sundries]

Ask your mum to throw you out.

Then you become priority housing especially as u have psych problems

[hummm_mabbe]

This book illustrates the tension between the "2 camps" approach to BPD.

Camp 1 belives that BPD is purely organic, caused by a faulty brain and emotions. This reductionist, archaic and baseless view of BPD still has a lot of fans around the world because a) it keeps biological psychiatrists in a job and b.) it stops parents from having to look at their own role in creating the disorder

Camp 2 belives there is an interplay of many many elements that cause BPD and that the vast majority of those with the disorder have experienced invalidating, unsupportive home environments, with another large cross section reporting emotional neglect, and physical or sexual abuse. You can see that Camp 1 would balk at this idea, and instead they prefer to reduce the human race to a series of cogs and chemicals, which it isnt.

The "eggshells" book comes from Camp 1, and views the parents as the poor long suffering victims of a disorder that no one could have prevented or changed. It lets parents off the hook, which is why its popular. There are a number of books that belong in Camp 1 and generally I avoid them all, because I realise that I am a human being and not a wind up toy with little more than an on / off switch.

Of course, parents wont realise that this is what they are doing - they will just welcome the literature and feel a strangely comforting sensation to know that "its not their fault". Given that the poster says she feels she is not part of the family and generally avoids everyone, i would say there is more than a small likelihood that the family enviornment is strongly responsible for creating the BPD - as is usually the case.

Find a therapy that absolves you of blame for your past and allows you to see what you did not recive, but were entilted to, as a child. Once you can see that you have in fact been denied by your family and how this now leads you to act in painful ways, you can begint o make changes. Blaming yourself may come easily as this is common in BPD. Its easy because you were raised to feel that everything was your fault and that the best thing to do was just not be there so that everyone else can be happy. That is emotional neglect because you were allowed to feel that way, made to feel that way, via subtle behaviours, glances and attitudes. You may have been TOLD one thing but FELT the precise opposite - and its this crazy hinterland of uncertainty that leads to the destabilisation of self and personality disorders. Traumas of the extrme kind are not necessary - though if present will cause the more extreme symptoms.

[icu_baby]

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Get rid of the book. I have been to the website and it is seriously written by a bitter and twisted lady who using her bitterness to make a buck. It really is a woolf hidden in sheeps clothing.

I think your parents were trying to understand you mistakenly picked the book by mistake without understanding the background of it. Just explain it to your parents that this is not a very good quality book and perhaps buy them something more positive BPD Mystified.

THIS BOOK IS A DISGRACE.

[AndyL]

edit. by "unfortunately" I mean, ...i dont have a good reason to feel so much anger.

That's a BPD trait. Make sure you're centered and ask yourself why you're so angry over a book. My GF got the book a year and a half ago when I was at my worst. It helped her significantly. The fact is, the book isn't really for us. It's for the people who have to deal with our moods, our rage, our propensity for self harm on a regular basis. It's exhausting for them. The book(s) offer them something to hang onto as they navigate a very difficult path.

Buying the book isn't an attempt to hurt us, it's an attempt to understand us. It has some good working techniques for non-BPD's to use to deal with us. It's better for them. It's better, ultimately, for us.

[icu_baby]

edit. by "unfortunately" I mean, ...i dont have a good reason to feel so much anger.

That's a BPD trait. Make sure you're centered and ask yourself why you're so angry over a book. My GF got the book a year and a half ago when I was at my worst. It helped her significantly. The fact is, the book isn't really for us. It's for the people who have to deal with our moods, our rage, our propensity for self harm on a regular basis. It's exhausting for them. The book(s) offer them something to hang onto as they navigate a very difficult path.

Buying the book isn't an attempt to hurt us, it's an attempt to understand us. It has some good working techniques for non-BPD's to use to deal with us. It's better for them. It's better, ultimately, for us.

Andy, how is feeling anger over nothing a borderline trait? Im confused. I think some people use the adjective "anger" instead of saying they feel "anxiety" or "depression".

Im glad you found the book helpful and it helped you and your significant others. I just object to being likened to that psychopath character in Fatal Attraction. Its a book full of generalisations. I am not like that at all and neither are 99.9% of people on this forum.

[AndyL]

It is interesting to note that Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT training, states that both wiring and growing up in an invalidating environment are the two salient factors in creating Borderline Personality Disorder.

[hummm_mabbe]

icu_baby,

Maybe Andy means the diagnostic criteria:

"Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)"

[hummm_mabbe]

It is interesting to note that Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT training, states that both wiring and growing up in an invalidating environment are the two salient factors in creating Borderline Personality Disorder.

However, Marsha misses the literature on what CREATES the wiring - that is the formation, by good upbringing, of a well-functioning orbitofrontal cortex. If the family is dysfunctional straight after birth, it screws the wiring from the beginning. The relevant time window here is age 0-2.

A great book that talks about this is "Why love matters" by Sue Gerhardt. The understanding of the OFC builds on the work of John Bowlby on attachment theory. He observed the effect of "the breaking of affectional bonds" on infants - the work on the OFC now grounds those observations in a neurological foundation.

[icu_baby]

It is interesting to note that Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT training, states that both wiring and growing up in an invalidating environment are the two salient factors in creating Borderline Personality Disorder.

I agree but I think that that is true for most mental illnesses and mental disorders. I think its a mix of nature and nurture.

[icu_baby]

icu_baby,

Maybe Andy means the diagnostic criteria:

"Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)"

oh ok I see thanks for the clarification .

I reckon all my anger is appropriate though.

[hummm_mabbe]

It is interesting to note that Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT training, states that both wiring and growing up in an invalidating environment are the two salient factors in creating Borderline Personality Disorder.

I agree but I think that that is true for most mental illnesses and mental disorders. I think its a mix of nature and nurture.

If I could only persuade people to read Sue Gerhardts book, i think it would change the degree to which people belive nature has much to do with BPD. The book brings together a decade of research on the development of infant brains and on how the behaviour of parents actually shapes the "wiring" in the first place. You are not born with a complete brain - its only half finished. EMOTIONS and how you are treated shape the physical brain, and set you up, from the time of your third birthday, for your future "equipment" for dealing with emotional problems.

I wish I could point you to a singlw research paper but in fact there are many many of them - it is a very wide body of reserach. The book is the best summation of all of it ive seen.