Stop Walking On Eggshells - Book

[kazza26]

you should get one titled

how to get your life back when your parents have ruined yours

and leave it where they can find it

[icu_baby]

Thanks Andy

[arwentheelfqueen]

I found this thread to be very stimulating and mentioned points about the book to my psychiatrist. He said the book sounds horrible and that there are always people who will try to make money from someone else's pain. Any book that likens a person suffering from a severe illness to a predator such as in the movie Fatal Attraction is clearly insensitive and uneducated, in my opinion. Of all the examples to choose, why not choose Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana as people who suffered from BPD. Why choose a villain?

The reason why this thread was so striking to me was that when I still talked to my parents years ago when I first got the dx of BPD they bought this book, Walking on Eggshells too. It angered me because even though I hadn't read the book completely, looking at it in the book store confirmed that the book vilifies people with BPD and refuses to acknowledge the roots of the disorder. It is clearly unsympathetic As people earlier in the thread mentioned, there is a lot of research that BPD derives from an attachment disorder which stems from early abuse. This is what distinguishes it from a more biological illness like Bipolar. My psychiatrist becomes very activated when he hears that people confuse bipolar to BPD because though the symptoms may seem similar to the untrained, he believes the treatment and causes to be very different. Perhaps one day MRI's will be able to clearly distinguish the two. I too have been diagnosed with bipolar and struggled for many years with the dx until I met this psych who said it was clearly BPD that I experienced. The problem is that different psychs have different interpretations of the etiology of dxes. I happen to agree with this psych, but someone else might not.

As to the questions icu_baby wrote from the Eggshells book, I do not relate to them. I asked my psychiatrist about some of them before too because my parents had accused me of behaving like those questions, and he said I clearly do not, such as being manipulative or twisting the truth and such. In response to what you wrote, icu_baby, about not experiencing difficulties with relationships, I too do not share this problem for the most part. However, I do have BPD which is evidenced by my unstable moods and emotions, sensitivity, and self destructive/suicidal issues.

Oh, this is a horribly incoherent inarticulate post. I have to run to school before it closes for the night, so I'll leave it at this.

[icu_baby]

Hi Arwen, good to see you on here again! I re-iterate everything that you said. Can you please tell me what the distinction b/w BPD and bipolar, I am really dying to know.

I don't think many people actually will relate to those questions used to advertise the Eggshells book (well some might like Andy ...who has since changed his ways may I add). I guess I do have BPD in that I am a sensitive person, I am more likely to feel sorry for the homeless person sitting on the corner of Pitt and Martin St holding a cardboard box. When I was not depressed, my emotions were unstable in that I tend to get "hyper" or "over-excited" by things. Ill find funny things more funnier than other people and sad things sadder than other people would. I get excited over little things like going to a simple bbq or going to the beach. I would be the one jumping off cliffs into the water and rolling with the waves. When I hear a sad story though I am more likely to ruminate on it than other people. But I am not sure that that is enough to warrant me personality disordered, just emotionally unstable. I do have suicidal issues too (big time) but I attribute that to my mood rather than my emotions (I could never really understand the diff between the two though since our emotions can lead us to have a low mood).

That book does nothing but stigmatise a disorder that causes alot of pain and suffering to the person who has BPD and in turn those around them.

[yorkiegal73]

Yorkie Girl, I am so sorry, I should have thought of posting that as a possible trigger - I am really sorry. Whoever said that to you is not a good Therapist and the T who said it was difficult for your mother to love you - well - they should be shot in my opinion.

It's ok hon. I didn't mean that you had triggered me by posting it. I think it's important that we discuss difficult issues like this. But the term itself and the thought that a whole website out there puts out these ideas did make me very angry and vulnerable for a while again. I tend to think that being triggered can be a good thing sometimes, because however painful it is, I usually learn something from the experience.

[AndyL]

When you had your SI and your partner said you have to change or your out, can I ask you what lead you to have that attempt. Was it a fear of abandonment that caused you to attempt to take your life? I am just doubting my dx now in light of what you told me.

The events/feelings/circumstances that led to my attempt were these:

1. I foolishly and impulsively left my wife and my family for another woman. Once I came to and realized what had happened, I was living nearly three hundred miles away from them;
2. The result was incredible guilt, remorse and inconsolable despair. I was a wreck. I missed my children so badly it was like a real, physical wound that would never heal. I still feel it nearly every day, but I'm better able to cope. Having a job helps me;
3. On the night of my attempt, I had a huge, meaningless row with my gf and left in a huff. We were up visiting friends near where my family lives, so I went over there, hoping for some help. My ex refused to even let me in the door. Since I had nowhere to go, I was reduced to sleeping in my car. After that became intolerable and a call to my father resulted in him telling me to, essentially, get a job (the right advice at the worst time possible), I determined I had no one left who cared, left my car and started walking in traffic. This was about one or two in the morning. The police eventually caught up with me and carted me away to the hospital.

The thoughts and feelings leading up to my attempt are complex. Obviously, abandonment issues played a large role, but guilt was huge. The self-hatred I feel in general, exacerbated by my remorse and self-hatred over what I'd done didn't help either. It was the worst period in my life and it changed me forever. In some ways the changes are good: I realized what my illness was and started to work on fixing it. Some ways were less positive: I am easily tearful, feel less fulfilled without my family and have a hollowness inside me that I am hoping time and therapy will heal. Sadder and wiser, I guess.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Andy

[icu_baby]

When you had your SI and your partner said you have to change or your out, can I ask you what lead you to have that attempt. Was it a fear of abandonment that caused you to attempt to take your life? I am just doubting my dx now in light of what you told me.

The events/feelings/circumstances that led to my attempt were these:

1. I foolishly and impulsively left my wife and my family for another woman. Once I came to and realized what had happened, I was living nearly three hundred miles away from them;
2. The result was incredible guilt, remorse and inconsolable despair. I was a wreck. I missed my children so badly it was like a real, physical wound that would never heal. I still feel it nearly every day, but I'm better able to cope. Having a job helps me;
3. On the night of my attempt, I had a huge, meaningless row with my gf and left in a huff. We were up visiting friends near where my family lives, so I went over there, hoping for some help. My ex refused to even let me in the door. Since I had nowhere to go, I was reduced to sleeping in my car. After that became intolerable and a call to my father resulted in him telling me to, essentially, get a job (the right advice at the worst time possible), I determined I had no one left who cared, left my car and started walking in traffic. This was about one or two in the morning. The police eventually caught up with me and carted me away to the hospital.

The thoughts and feelings leading up to my attempt are complex. Obviously, abandonment issues played a large role, but guilt was huge. The self-hatred I feel in general, exacerbated by my remorse and self-hatred over what I'd done didn't help either. It was the worst period in my life and it changed me forever. In some ways the changes are good: I realized what my illness was and started to work on fixing it. Some ways were less positive: I am easily tearful, feel less fulfilled without my family and have a hollowness inside me that I am hoping time and therapy will heal. Sadder and wiser, I guess.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Andy

Andy, thanks for sharing that deeply personal story of yours. I have said it before and I will say it again, I think it is an incredible story and I am glad that you have been lucky to be re-united with your family. It doesn't happen often. Whether you have BPD or not, is not for me to say I guess because I am not an expert. However, having read your story, I think anyone in your situation would have gone down the same path and what you did is not necessarily attributed to BPD per se. Suicide attempts are actually quite common, esp in relation to a romantic break up. Most people act impulsivily and then realise after there attempt what they did and never do it again. I think you were severely depressed as a result of being separated from your children, which is very natural and understandable and your fight with your gf was the straw that broke the camels back. I think your attempt was because of the guilt you felt and people who are depressed feel guily and also socio-economic factors that were adding to your stress (being unemployed which can also cause depression in its own right). I am glad you are able to see the positives of your attempt and at least you know what the imp things in life are (your family and your children) for you and for alot of other people they would mean the world to you and I am happy that you got your family back!

[wytenyte]

I'm new and dont have BPD but my wife does and she got me the book from the library to read, I got half way through as I didn't like what it was saying. There were parts that I could see my wife but alot wasn't but they treat everything the same way, personally I wouldn't recomend it for Non BPD as it can give the wrong impression and make things worse. The best thing is to put them intouch with someone else who'se been through it all and come out the other side. Show some positives the book tends to be more negative. But saying that there are lots of books out there for non sufferers of mental illness that are just poor me books ( I've had a hard time coping and I want people to know) there are no positive books, I love my wife and we are getting divorced because of what we've been through the last two years and she wants to start afresh, I hate it but I have to except it, if there was more decent help out there this wouldn't be happening, she's met a guy on a site similar to this who's been through what she has and is nearly out the other side, we used to speak and he made me understand what it's like to have BPD and it was a great help, he also told me he lost his wife because she couldn't cope with the BPD and would do everything to help me and wife. Now I'm getting a divorce and their getting cosy, I hope it works out for them, they'll also have my two children which hurts, but I blame the system we have in the UK and the lack of help for people like me who dont suffer but need to know how to make things easier and to understand what our partners are going through. I suffered watching my wife want to end it all, spending days crying and not being able to do a damb thing to ease the pain she was suffering. When we want help no one came till it was practically to late. now my wife is doing DPT and it works, shes more in control and life for her is more bearable which is all we wanted to begin with.

[Falloutgirl]

Depends on who's reading it. Crap for if you're trying to get your life in order after being diagnosed (it's just too cruel) but good for those who live with borderlines (to a certain extent) Mostly I'd take it as a piece of pop psychology with a few pertinent points but with nothing life changing. In my opinion a book written to make a bit of money for the author

[eve-naive]

I appreciated your post Hummm and I just wanted to say about the repetition compulsion that it was only the other week I wailed down the phone at my mum that I thought I had a big sign post stuck on my head - but maybe, I have a hand in it too. It is possible that where I thought I just kept, by some turn of fate, getting mixed up with control freaks and abusive people etc...I actually was selecting them to some degree. I could go with that actually.

Whether it is because I haven't learnt the correct way to behave or whether it is deep down in my unconsciousness I don't know - I'll try and be more aware next time it happens and let you know what I find!

H x

Okay edited to say that I responded in the wrong way - but if anyone can find which part I am responding to - good luck! lol sorry!

[hummm_mabbe]

I appreciated your post Hummm and I just wanted to say about the repetition compulsion that it was only the other week I wailed down the phone at my mum that I thought I had a big sign post stuck on my head - but maybe, I have a hand in it too. It is possible that where I thought I just kept, by some turn of fate, getting mixed up with control freaks and abusive people etc...I actually was selecting them to some degree. I could go with that actually.

Whether it is because I haven't learnt the correct way to behave or whether it is deep down in my unconsciousness I don't know - I'll try and be more aware next time it happens and let you know what I find!

H x

Okay edited to say that I responded in the wrong way - but if anyone can find which part I am responding to - good luck! lol sorry!

As it seemed the Freudian explanation didnt go down too well, look up "Schema Chemistry" instead. If love for us always has hurt mixed in, then that is what we come to see as normal and familiar. Anything outside of that feels "off" or slightly alien. It is the same as any type of chemistry between two people.

I keep recommending it, because of its blow your socks off "oh holy hell that actually is me" quality - so a copy of "Reinventing your Life" by the developers of Schema Therapy, Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko, will open up some serious answers for you. This book will cover schema chemistry exactly as it relates to you because it is directed by your own unique qualities. It will also give you some suggestions on how you might go about avoiding doing it in future.

The book is not a one stop shop but it will advance your understanding of whats going on enormously, it certainly did for me by a quantum leap.

[ri0tdorque]

I have both books and while The Stop Walking on Eggshells is kinda ok with me I've decided I really regret buying the Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook every time I look at it and read something in it - it pisses me off.

I'm really pissed off at the moment. Yesterday I went downstairs to find the book -

"Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder"

on the table. My... mother or dad had bought it. I find this so FRIGGIN insulting. It's the fact this book is encouraging them to control ME. Control the "relationship". It can royally shove it. I dont want them to control anything. They dont control anything at the moment. I am not part of this family. I pay my own way, I dont ask for money, I pay for EVERYTHING I do. I buy my own clothes, toiletries, entertainment (magazines, dvds, whatever), travel & food that is just for me. There's no relationship. I don't want to talk to them about anything that's going on with me because I hate... disrupting people. This book is pissing me off so much. I've not mentioned the fact I know it's there to them. I think its the fact it says "Taking your life back" which pisses me off the most. I HAVENT F---ED THEIR LIVES OVER! If anything, they're better since I've been a mess because of the fact I take myself out of situations. Holiday? Yeah. I'm not going. Family meal out somewhere nice? No thanks. Even simple things like eating at the table together, I dont join in because I dont... belong here.

Am I wrong in being so insulted by this? I desperately don't want to live here anymore & want to move out but I am on Job Centre income support & can't afford it. I would love to move somewhere & start fresh, I think it may help but I've not worked for over a year because I keep getting worse so I doubt I'd be able to find a job easily.

Has anyone read this book?

Thanks.

[AveMaria]

Just had say thanks to ri0tdorque for bringing this back into the new posts. I don't know if I ever would have gone back before I joined the site to look at it, and I would definitely have missed out. It was so enjoyable to read I feel like I just watched a great movie... there were funny parts, sad parts, parts that made me mad at the stupid author of the book and at horrible therapists... lol and was finally something to get my mind off myself! Just what I needed tonight. Now I think I feel well enough to get some sleep. Btw to answer the question @ the beginning of the post... I think the book sucks although like Andy said... in some situations it could actually be helpful, although in my opinion that would only be if the sufferer is feeling better and won't get upset and if the person reading it is in a relationship with the sufferer and had nothing to do with anything that possibly had a role in giving the sufferer bpd. Ok that was totally confusing even to me, but I mean I had a horrible childhood so if my parents were reading it I would utterly freak out. If my fiance read it, I would realize he is trying to show he cares and get some info... so I would just mention its not the best book, but I hope he finds it helpful!

[catspiracy]

I want to go back and read this entire thread, but my hubby came home early and I had to stop at the "saintly slut" portion. LOL, how ironic, since that might as well be the new title of my older thread in the sex and relationships zone here. "madonna / whore complex" and "prude/slut" I think was how I characterized myself. I have to say that I feel like I INVENTED this dichotomy, not just inherited it!