*newbie* And Need Help

[x.glitter_raindrops.x]

This weekend saw yet another suicide attempt

Ive just found out I have bpd

The thing is things have been going really well with my current boyfriend.

Hes normally the most supportive person in the world

and i love everything about him

hes fun, caring, and very loving

but also very protective

he has even got me bmxing again (and despite me thinking Im rubbish he still tells everyone I'm the smoothest rider in the world)

hes always giving me some sweet compliment

I do stupid things like make him a suprise everytime I see him and he loves it

the last time we saw eachother I made a little bit of progress as in putting life into perspective

but once again me being positive didnt last long

specially being as my plans changed 3 days in a row

saturday came round and i had cravings to take all my tablets all day

I was very clingy i was so scared because I thought I needed him so bad

but he didnt answer all day

when he did he appologised for leaving his phone in the car, i thought id upset him.

i told him about my urges. he told me to lock my pills up. but i stupidly didnt listen

he was going to come and see me for a couple of hours.

but the weather was dangerous to drive in and he lives 16 miles away from me

the next thing I know im swallowing a potful of pills

he made me tell my mum

so then i was in hospital again.

from then on he wont speak to me.

the only text message I have got is "Im more than Bl---y hurt, im fu----g furious atm"

Ive tried to tell him that its nothing to do with him and told him that its coz of my bpd

I feel terrible that its my excuse

Im so scared of loosing him

does anyone have any suggestions??

and also any help as bdp is still very new to me

its my 18th birthday in 2 weeks and i really dont want things spoilt anymore than they are

Hi to everyone

and thanks in advance

x

[StrawberryFields]

This weekend saw yet another suicide attempt

Ive just found out I have bpd

The thing is things have been going really well with my current boyfriend.

Hes normally the most supportive person in the world

and i love everything about him

hes fun, caring, and very loving

but also very protective

he has even got me bmxing again (and despite me thinking Im rubbish he still tells everyone I'm the smoothest rider in the world)

hes always giving me some sweet compliment

I do stupid things like make him a suprise everytime I see him and he loves it

the last time we saw eachother I made a little bit of progress as in putting life into perspective

but once again me being positive didnt last long

specially being as my plans changed 3 days in a row

saturday came round and i had cravings to take all my tablets all day

I was very clingy i was so scared because I thought I needed him so bad

but he didnt answer all day

when he did he appologised for leaving his phone in the car, i thought id upset him.

i told him about my urges. he told me to lock my pills up. but i stupidly didnt listen

he was going to come and see me for a couple of hours.

but the weather was dangerous to drive in and he lives 16 miles away from me

the next thing I know im swallowing a potful of pills

he made me tell my mum

so then i was in hospital again.

from then on he wont speak to me.

the only text message I have got is "Im more than Bl---y hurt, im fu----g furious atm"

Ive tried to tell him that its nothing to do with him and told him that its coz of my bpd

I feel terrible that its my excuse

Im so scared of loosing him

does anyone have any suggestions??

and also any help as bdp is still very new to me

its my 18th birthday in 2 weeks and i really dont want things spoilt anymore than they are

Hi to everyone

and thanks in advance

x

[StrawberryFields]

This weekend saw yet another suicide attempt

Ive just found out I have bpd

The thing is things have been going really well with my current boyfriend.

Hes normally the most supportive person in the world

and i love everything about him

hes fun, caring, and very loving

but also very protective

he has even got me bmxing again (and despite me thinking Im rubbish he still tells everyone I'm the smoothest rider in the world)

hes always giving me some sweet compliment

I do stupid things like make him a suprise everytime I see him and he loves it

the last time we saw eachother I made a little bit of progress as in putting life into perspective

but once again me being positive didnt last long

specially being as my plans changed 3 days in a row

saturday came round and i had cravings to take all my tablets all day

I was very clingy i was so scared because I thought I needed him so bad

but he didnt answer all day

when he did he appologised for leaving his phone in the car, i thought id upset him.

i told him about my urges. he told me to lock my pills up. but i stupidly didnt listen

he was going to come and see me for a couple of hours.

but the weather was dangerous to drive in and he lives 16 miles away from me

the next thing I know im swallowing a potful of pills

he made me tell my mum

so then i was in hospital again.

from then on he wont speak to me.

the only text message I have got is "Im more than Bl---y hurt, im fu----g furious atm"

Ive tried to tell him that its nothing to do with him and told him that its coz of my bpd

I feel terrible that its my excuse

Im so scared of loosing him

does anyone have any suggestions??

and also any help as bdp is still very new to me

its my 18th birthday in 2 weeks and i really dont want things spoilt anymore than they are

Hi to everyone

and thanks in advance

x

[StrawberryFields]

My heart goes out to you, i was diagnosed BPD 6 years ago and i tried to hurt myself so many times like you did. And i lost someone close to me too because of my behaviour.

i just want to let you know that you are not alone.

my thoughts and prayers are with you.

many hugs

[x.glitter_raindrops.x]

My heart goes out to you, i was diagnosed BPD 6 years ago and i tried to hurt myself so many times like you did. And i lost someone close to me too because of my behaviour.

i just want to let you know that you are not alone.

my thoughts and prayers are with you.

many hugs

Thank you so much

I dont know maybe Im glad in a way Ive been labelled with a "personality disorder" because theres some relief that maybe Im not as alone as i thought

sometimes these thoughts and feelings dont make sense. But it makes me feel like theres something wrong with me as a person. (thats not meant as an insult to others with the same thing it just makes me feel im a bad person)

im so confused

Im so hurt and I blame myslef for possibly losing him

but im angry that he doesnt care

but i really love him and hes amazing

and thats the circle im trapped in

Im glad I didnt succeed

but i still wish i wasnt here

and i think how i could have done it differently

its messed up i know.....

that really does make me silly, right?

[StrawberryFields]

when i was first diagnosed i felt the same. i felt that maybe BPD meant bad personality traits and that i had caused it. Then i had it explained to me. i felt better after a while, but reluctant to tell my parents because i was told by a professional CPN that it may have been triggered by abuse inflicted on me by a family member over a long period of time. My parents were already ashamed of me for having been in mental health system anyway.

Bizarrely enough, i had been diagnosed aged 20 after numerous self-harm and parasuicide attempts and run-ins with the police (i was never charged with anything, fortunately), but i didn't find out until i was 23, when i had moved away and my psych didn't know the address of the new Psych team, so they sent me my notes to pass onto them. I was curious and flicked through them. I had felt that i had depression or bipolar, but i knew in my heart of hearts that it wasn't a mood disorder.

Then i went on the web and typed BPD into search engines. I read accounts of peopel who were diagnosed and it was as if a lightbulb had been switched on in my head- i could relate exactly to so many of the symptoms. Even symptoms i experienced and that i thought i was the only one who had them- just me being a "freak" and a "misfit." I had tears in my eyes- it was starting to make sense, how i felt and behaved.

i have just posted a new topic on here called How to Tell your Loved Ones about BPD- you might find it helpful.

[snowman]

I agree with Strawberry fields - it's really important to realise that you are not alone. There are so many people on this forum with so much kind advice and experiences to share. I hope you find some support at this time.

[Angel123]

Hey there

Well alot of us here can understand how you feel, and have been through the same sort of thing.

Do you get any regular support?

Does your b/f know much about bpd?

He should not be angry at you llike that, he should be supporting you. That makes me think he does not understand the disorder.

No one likes to be labelled as having a personality disorder or mental illness, what ever you want to call it but now you have got that diagnosis, hopefully you can get the right help.

Post on here whenever you feel you need to ok.

Take care x

[Rael]

chances are that your b/f doesnt understand what is going on and his frustrations at not being able to help are being taken out on you. maybe you could point him towards some information to help him see that you are not trying to hurt him, but that you are hurting and doing things to ease the pain the only ways you see.

he needs to support you but he needs to understand some of what you are going through to be able to do this.

i know how you feel about the dx, i feel im 'lucky' in a really odd way, because i have other dx's i can more easily explain to myself because they are seen as chemical/physical rather than having a disordered personality. if im trying to explain to someone i always leave the pd's out, im ashamed of them. but then again they are who i am, and no one should be able to make me feel ashamed of being me except myself.

xxx

[x.glitter_raindrops.x]

chances are that your b/f doesnt understand what is going on and his frustrations at not being able to help are being taken out on you. maybe you could point him towards some information to help him see that you are not trying to hurt him, but that you are hurting and doing things to ease the pain the only ways you see.

he needs to support you but he needs to understand some of what you are going through to be able to do this.

i know how you feel about the dx, i feel im 'lucky' in a really odd way, because i have other dx's i can more easily explain to myself because they are seen as chemical/physical rather than having a disordered personality. if im trying to explain to someone i always leave the pd's out, im ashamed of them. but then again they are who i am, and no one should be able to make me feel ashamed of being me except myself.

xxx

I really don't think he does understand

Im still trying to come to terms with it

because Ive only just been diagnosed

I have kept trying to talk to him so i can explain, i even sent a bebo mail telling him it wasnt his fault, reasons why I love him and that I want to get myself better, learn to cope and i'll make it up to him, if he will let me.

but he hasnt answered since the last text i got telling me that hes f-x-ing furious

I swear im gonna get done for stalking one day.....

plus I have heard that his mom said "she's stupid if she thinks he will have anything to do with her after this"

despite the fact he is 20

and should be able to make his own decisions

and i know that him and his mum are two different people

his moms what some would call a snob

and my bfs the complete opposite

its confusing the fudge outa me. because normally hes the first person I run to

he always knows how to help me

and always looks after me

and doesnt stop trying until Im smiling from ear to ear through the tears

i dunno

ive screwed up

and now i cant put it right

maybe i just wasnt everything he said i was to him

and now hes got his easy way out of it

just shift the blame to me

its all gravy :s

hmmmmmmmmm

xxxXxxxx

[mort]

Perhaps your boyfriend is in shock and feeling all kinds of extreme emotions at the moment. It must be terrible to be on the other side of a loved ones suicide attempt. I have attempted suicide myself many times and can understand where you are coming from but I can't imagine how the other people in these situations feel.

I hope that you are getting support from others around you and that with time he will be back and supportive of you but in the meantime I hope you are kind to you and stay safe.

tc

mort x

[x.glitter_raindrops.x]

Perhaps your boyfriend is in shock and feeling all kinds of extreme emotions at the moment. It must be terrible to be on the other side of a loved ones suicide attempt. I have attempted suicide myself many times and can understand where you are coming from but I can't imagine how the other people in these situations feel.

I hope that you are getting support from others around you and that with time he will be back and supportive of you but in the meantime I hope you are kind to you and stay safe.

tc

mort x

well ive literally just got texts form his ex girlfriend threatening me to stop "harassing" him

makes me wonder why i bother

if im honest theres only one way i can control

my hearts bursting out my chest right now and my face burning red

blade....needed

!!

:(