Slipping Back Into Those Old Habits

[orankey]

It has been several months since I have been actively trying to lose weight. That was until 6 weeks ago when I began the weight loss challenge.

It started of as a bit of fun with a few friends. Now it is getting out of control. Each week we get weighed - privately. my first 2 weeks I lost, then the next 2 weeks I gained. Last weigh in was last night. I lost the most that I have ever lost in one week...4.74kg. I couldnt stop smiling. I also lost a total of 13cm's. I am so happy that I have lost it.

The thing is how I have lost it in the last week.

I ate on Tuesday. On wednesday I ate then purged. On Thursday I didnt eat anything. On friday I went to the coast so I was prepared to eat, but on the way home I stopped at a servo and purged. On saturday I didnt eat. On sunday I didnt eat. On monday I ate then purged. On tuesday I didnt eat.

Then I had weigh in, then went home and binged. That was last night. This morning I have eaten a cherry ripe bar, but dont want to eat anything else.

I feel so guilty when I eat. Then when I dont eat I feel hungry. When i feel hungry I want to binge. When I binge I purge. It is a circle that is going round and round. I cant stop it.

I am so proud of myself for loosing what I did in the last week. There is 6 weeks left in the weight loss challange, and my aim is to lose 17.46kg more. There is nothing stopping me losing it, but I know that I am going to lose it in the wrong way. I just cant help it. I feel like I have to. I am aiming to lose 4-5kg each week. I know that is a lot, but after losing what I did in the past week makes me feel even more determined to lose it.

I'm sorry if I am rambling on, I just cant seem to find any middle ground with anything. I want to lose but the only way that I know how to lose is the wrong way.

[orankey]

Hey thanks for that info....

It is strange, I just got off the phone after talking to a councellor for over an hour. There are things that came up during that conversation. A lot of things that I didnt realise and a lot that I did. I could tell that the person on the other end of the phone was getting frustrated cause I wasnt making it very easy for her. I guess the big thing that keeps coming up with my eating issues is that I know all the dangers about doing what I am. I know everything I am doing will stuff up my body - and it already has.

Coming from the background that I do and having to deal with what I have done and still am has made me very determined to do whatever it is that I get into my mind. Having just finished studying the mental health subject and having worked in nursing and having done all the research into a lot of mental illnesses (just cause I have to always be learning new things and why not learn about my illness and the illnesses that my friends have), It should make me realise that I am ruining my life.

The cousellor that I was talking to was asking me about different things and I think the thing that stood out the most for me was the 2 different minds that I have. I have the mind that says 'yes I know how wrong this is and I know that if I dont eat then I am going to have things wrong with me like passing out and feeling ill all the time....I know that I have to eat in order to continue living...in order to survive and have energy.' Then I have the mind that say 'You cannot eat - you ate junk food yesterday, if you eat you'll get fat again, DO NOT eat'

This is the battle that I have going on inside my head all the time at the moment.\

Right at this very moment this is what is going through my head.....

'I am so hungry I should eat'

'Do not eat, you are not allowed to eat yesterday cause of the food you ate last night'

'I need to eat cause I am getting tired and feel faint'

'well, now that you mention it you could eat.....fish and chips.....then go home and see what else in in the cupboard then go for a shower and get rid of it all.'

'If you do you will feel aweful and want to cut yourself....you dont want to do that.'

'Well it is the only choice I have, so there'

That is just a snippet of what is going through my head.....as to what I am going to do.....I dont know.

I just wish that I wasnt like this.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

[bibiddi]

I can understand your conflict.

I have similar, my 'rational mind' says that energy out - should equal energy in - just like a car, it needs petrol to run, it doesnt run on vapours, and equally it doesnt need 50 gallons if the car only holds 10.

However, another part of my brain uses food as a weapon against myself. I can view food as a luxury which I dont deserve, or if I do, its not the healthy stuff, so that I feel bad for eating, and feel bad for not eating.

What can sometimes help me, is my quest to be 'normal'.

I write a shopping list of what I think a 'normal' person would buy, i.e. fruit, veg, something nice, that kind of thing. then I buy it. I also imagine when, and how much they would eat, and try and do that.

It only works for me when I'm in the right frame of mind, but it does work, and I do feel better for challenging my behaviour.

It is a battle, but it can be won.

Take care.

[avery]

I know exactly how you're feeling right now.

I was being 'good' for a long time but had thoughts about slipping back into what I knew as being 'normal'.

I gained a lot of weight when I was being healthy.

It's confusing, though.

I've been learning about different types of foods, how they're made, how they are digested in the body with the classes I've been taking.

I feel like I've changed my eating habits to something more healthy but at the same time I can't tell if I'm just slipping back into old habits. It's a very thin line and I can't seem to find middle ground.

[Lily-Bee]

I have been there too! It was horrible I never want to go back to that. What has helped me is I had specific help for eating disorders, would that be a possibility for you?? You have to be motivated though and it sounds like you are in two minds arent you??

But just imagine food not having to be on your mind again all day long, eat or not eat, imagine if you could just eat three meals a day healthy and have a healthy weight?? Then you could spend your energy on nicer things then this.......

Lilly