A Sudden Childhood Memory Has Finally Filled In My First "blank"...

[Lance]

I think this may be needed. I tend to say it how it is...

Hey peoples...

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a few days now. I wasn't sure whether or not to finally tell my full story (now that I have it). But the more I thought about doing so, the more I realized just how drained I am from telling it so much over the last 5 days. So I'm not going to bother with a life story post. Instead, I'll just keep it brief and fill in when or if you ask any questions.

Just last week, I created a topic here in the general board, discussing the memory system and how we recall information and if "blanks" are actually gaps or just simply very hard-to-find memories. Well the truth is, I started that topic because I've been feeling really uneasy with my own memories the past month or so. It's hard to explain...but I had this feeling like I was getting closer to remembering something extremely suggestive, if not explanitory, of my present-day state of mind. Things I do, things I think about doing, things I've feared my whole life, these things have all been without explanation since forever it seems, and I've been trying to find some sort of definitive situation from my childhood "blank" that could have caused the severe damage I have to live with every day. It has to come from somehwere, right?

--------------

I'll get to the point now. Last Wednesday night, it finally happened. An old dusty memory had brought itself to the front of my mind. It wasn't just random though, I had hit the memories "cue" first, the trigger that causes you to remember the memory itself. Just like an oven that beeps when the food is cooked, the noise reminds you that you have to take it out, without the noise, you would forget. Well, the memories cue was what I was doing on that particular day. I was at school and I had been punched in the ear by some dickhead that lost his temper. I had to come home early as my ear was bleeding and I had to have a bandage put on...

That simple memory arose in a conversation with somebody and it finally unlocked what I had been looking for...

I quickly jumped ahead to what happened when I got home. I began by recalling who was home and how I felt about it somewhat. There was my mum and this guy that she was seeing at the time. She had known him since before I was born. I felt kind of happy that he was there, but at the same time, very uneasy (I'll explain in a minute). Then out of nowhere...the next thing my mind jumps to is...the feeling of his hands on my wrists Uhhh... The whole thing just played back to me from that very second. I was left sat in my chair recalling not only visuals, but emotional and physical memory too, the feeling of violation, being unable to look my mum in the eye afterwards, and most vividly was the immense pressure in my bandaged ear as my blood pressure must have risen. All I could think about at the time was "why?".

This memory was just one piece of many that I have collected throughout the past year. This wasn't the first time I've thought about him. In fact, I have lots of memories of feeling uncomfy around him which I've had for a long time. It's only now that I realize just what they were. I remember how he used to drop hints to me, say certain things, words, that got into my head and made me fear something, but I didn't know what. It didn't matter what the topic of the conversation was and who he was talking to, if I was in his presence, he would somehow get on to that subject, but without anybody knowing. They call that grooming. It's a technique that paedo networks use to get inside a childs mind using suggestive words and comments that appear harmless in ordinary conversation. That would explain why my mum never picked up on it, even though I would be standing there with a bright red face with all this shit in my head. This guy fucked me up. He had caused me to feel immense paranoia of my school teachers, thinking that they are planning on something like he was. He had somehow activated my sexual system, confusing me even more. But the most damaging thing of all...he caused my child's mind to start thinking of doing these things to other people....... That fucking CUNT!

Age? I was about 6 or 7 at the time of the incedent. However...the thoughts didn't come from that event alone. They date back to long before that age. I never understood why...but now I realize that it was the grooming, the psychological conditioning that implanted ideas and fantasies into my head that caused the lasting damage...

Anyway, that night was restless to say the least. I spent the whole night outside and through into the morning, just wandering around my town. It came to 8 o clock and I decided to txt my brother and tell him everything. He called me back and told me to get in touch with my T. So I did. As I was waitig for her reply, I decided to head to my sisters house. I have never told my sister anything before, there was always something that made me hold it back from her. But not this time, I just burst into a break down and told her everything. She knows the guy, and she's never liked him. I sat with her and told her all of it and all of me. It was like reintroducing myself to her. As I was there, my T got back in touch and said she could pick me up. She did just that and within the next hour, I'm sat in an office room telling her everything. It comes to about 2 PM and I go back to my sisters and my brother is there. I talk to them both together and they decide that I should tell my mum.....the hardest part of all. She would never forgive herself for letting him near me. I couldn't do it...

...but I did. Later that day, my sister and myself sat down with my mum and told her everything. I'm not even going to go into her reaction. It broke me, but not as much as it broke her.

So that's where I'm at. I'm now stuck in limbo not knowing what the hell to do. I'm just hoping my dad doesn't find out because he will blame my mum for everything and cause so much shit. My dad even saved the guys life once after he set himself on fire. Aahhh, it's the life of a movie

As for me, well...I know someone that knows some people that can find some people, if you know what I mean. I may want to have a little "chat" with a certain somebody. But nobody is to know about that...

Peace, Lance

[Lance]

Uhhh...sorry about the length peoples. I didn't realize it was so long. I guess some things just naturally take longer to explain than others

Peace, Lance

[Lily-Bee]

I have not much words just that I feel for you. No child should have to go through these things, you where damaged and its no wonder you have issue's now and thats not your fault, its because you where exposed to these things as a child. My heart goes out to you.

Lilly

[Roses]

You are sooooo brave. Well done you! In one day you told all your family and therapist that must've taken some real strength of character. The only way now is forward. I had this epiphany last year. My abuser was my brother. My parents and husband know about it but my brothers wife didn't. I had struggled for years. When they had kids I prayed they weren't girls and they had two boys luckily. But that niggling doubt never went away. What if it wasn't a me and him thing? What if he abused again? What if... so I told her and I know I did the right thing. But anyway, I am going off track and waffling. Well done and just wanted to let you know again just how much guts that took. You should be proud of yourself!

[Paris]

I am so proud of you for letting this all out, i am sure it must have been really hard. But i am so sorry that it had to happen to you, take care of you

Paris

[walker]

i agree

am astounded by you telling family - that took real guts

it stinks - but i am so pleased you know now

xxxx

[Lance]

Thanks everybody.

I don't think I had much choice in who I told that day, everything happened so damn fast. I just went from one person to the next in a complete daze really.

As far as getting this out, well I guess I'm still kind of in that daze. It is still hard to talk about it, but I'm just more happy that I have a somewhat complete story to tell.

But you know what? I don't think this is just it. Something still feels missing. My mum has been pulling all of her diaries out and reading through years of stuff. And some of the dates she's come accross just don't match up with my memories. It doesn't mean the memories are wrong, they're real alright, there's even diary proof to back them up somewhat. But it's the time scale that's bothering me. This particular incident happened when I was 6/7. But I know that I had my thoughts as far back as when my sister used to live with me. She moved out a few years before he came into my life. But there are a few memories of when she caught me either drawing or...something else which I won't mention here. There was damage done before this occurance...

...My dad didn't move out until I was 6, but they were both seperated and just living together since I was about 3/4 so they were starting to date other people and such.

My thoughts as of this moment are focusing on why I have no memories of living with my dad at all. The only parts that link to him are things like the shed and garage that he built, or the trees he planted. I remember that it was him that did those things...but I just cannot recall a single memory of seeing his face or hearing his voice, even though he lived with me for over 6 years. Not even any memories of him telling me off, talking to me, or taking me out anywhere. Just blank. That troubles me a lot.......

Jee I don't know really. It's all in there somewhere, all of it. The only thing that's evidently clear is the damage it's done to me. Ughh....

Peace, Lance

[Roses]

Once the ball starts rolling it's difficult to stop, but give yourself a chance to draw breath. Deal with what's just happened before you dig any deeper. I know it's frustrating but you need to be gentle with yourself to give yourself time to soak up the other day. Thinking of you and sending hugs

:bigarmhug[1]:

[Lance]

And just one more thing to add... What also worries me now is what my dad went through when he was a child. His mother was fucking evil to him to point of him almost starving to death while his brother was a fat ass. My dad only came out with his story at the age of 58. It messed him up a lot. But what disturbs me now I think back on it, is how he told me that when my sister was born (she's the oldest of the 3 of us), he started having thoughts of harming her. But he went and got help which stopped these thoughts. It really freaked him out but he managed to put a cap on them. He never touched her or my bro. But now obviously...I can't help but imagine beyond my wildest thoughts that maybe he had something to do with it, perhaps the reason why I've blanked him from my memories?

Oh and ONE LAST THING. The guy from the main post was apparently VERY anti-gay. To me, that just seems like too obvious of a false defense on his part. Anti-gay my ass. I'm no girl. Even his own father once reported him for taking pics at a school he worked at. My mum told me that he "just liked photography"...

Yeah I think I gotta go for a Pot Noodle and a smoke now. I'm getting some serious mind-warp building up here

Peace, Lance

[Roses]

Hello again. I don't remember anything much from before I was about 6. But this is normal for most people, just snippets and memories that stand out. Remember the slug thing I told you about? Well, my Dad was with me but I do'nt remember speaking to him or him to me. Once children start school they start to forget all the little things they held so dear. My eldest is now 8. When he was 3 he remembered pretty much everything that had ever happened to him but now he can barely remember most of it. They get filled up with all the stuff they learn at school. My Mum is very bitter that I only remember the times she told me off or hit me when she spent hours reading and playing with us and they took us all over the country to go places and see things. Yet all I remember is standing on the bottom step with my hand held out begging my Mum not to hit me across the palm with a cane. Guess it's about getting it in proportion and saying, yes I hate you for doing that and it's OK for me to hate you for doing that. The blame is yours for doing that but I am not going to let this hold me back from enjoying the rest of my life. Don't let the bastards have the satisfaction of ruining your life. They are not worth it. Whether you remember it all or not it's over now. Hope this helps. Sorry if I'm coming across wrong it just makes me so angry and upset that bullies can have this power over us.

[Tray]

hey hun...

a few weeks ago, was talking to my T and i had the exact same thing...

you know my prob's, we have talked them throu often, about not knowing if i was abused or not...

but i also dont recall anythin b4 the age of 8, when i had my first breakdown.

my T said, its not unusual to not remember specifics, but most people remeber emotions/feelings, what is strange with me, is i have no feeling regarding anyone in my childhood, i just have emptyness there, a big gapping hole at the moment, even tho i recall one thing, that cant be correct, BUT the time line is wrong to me as well, which is what makes me wonder if what i recall is correct or not...

My T started to do this time line thing with me, from what i can remember, starting with my day of birth, and then anything after i can recall, then qe are going to go back and try and fill in the gaps... maybe that would help you?

i think you are doing great so far hunny, but take your time, dont force it... and keep speaking to your T

lots of love xxx

[Rael]

im sorry that you have been through all of this, i know that getting these memories back like this is so hard, even now i can suddenly come up with things that i had forgotten or just shoved back into my memory. and it hurts. im glad that you have the support of your family and your t, i know that it must be hard for your mum to bear but i think that her main concern now will be your well being.

dont push too hard for the memories to come, i know it will be frustrating to have gaps, or to have confusion about dates and stuff, but they will come back when your mind feels you are best able to deal with them. let your brain do this in its own time.

take care

xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi

I have suspicions around this too, but like Tray I dont have any clear memories. When I read "The courage to heal" I identified with every "symtpom" of child sexual abuse.

I have had two dreams that have made me really wonder. They both involve something horrible happening to me, and my dad standing by and doing nothing, even just laughing because he doesnt want to accept that anything bad happened. In the dream I feel powerless, unprotected - just like I do everyday.

The first dream was in a toilet - I seem to dream about toilets loads and there is always an oppressive atmosphere - like a feeling of attack or threat. In the dream, people were urinating over the walls of the stalls on me and on the walls, it looked so yellow and horrid. When I came out of the toilet, my dad was standing there smiling as if to say "what? I saw nothing, dont be so silly". That was many months ago, before I began to consioder the possibility that someone else may have abused me and my dad knew. The second dream was 3 weeks ago and more 'obvious'. I was in a museum - again, I am always dreaming about museums. This curator was trying to get me to touch his willy and I was fighting back - again my dad stood wathcing, as if nothing had happened. I was hitting my dad trying to make him protect me, and he wouldnt.

There is so much in me that suggests sexual abuse, but that memory hasnt come yet. As I read all the stuff about the False Memory Sydrome Foundation, it makes my blood boil, especially as one of its founders turned out to be a paedophile advocate (see the Underwager / Paidika saga). Added to that, the woman who came up with the idea for it had just had her daughter accuse her husband of sexually abusing her. Iffy, to say the least, especially as it then got bankrolled by the American Psychiatric Association...

I dunno, was I abused when really little? I dunno I dunno. I wanna know, because then it all makes sense - I can fill in the gap, the gap that seems very "sexual abuse" shaped.

[Tray]

hey Rossy

i know what you mean about dreams, but mine are more day dream triggers, and I have to really fight in my head, no, no, no, no, no, dont think, dont think, dont think, to stop it coming back, as it always happens when i cant deal with it... i sometimes wonder if i should just go with the day dream, and then I would remember, like Lance has done...

BUT i am scared to remember, tho i know i need to... i think if i remember it will release me from this internal agony...then i think if i do know and its correct, then my ,life and that of everyone around me is changed forever...

ahh maybe one day i will post my day dream, my trigger... when i feel strong enuf, see what people think... maybe soon xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

hey Rossy

i know what you mean about dreams, but mine are more day dream triggers, and I have to really fight in my head, no, no, no, no, no, dont think, dont think, dont think, to stop it coming back, as it always happens when i cant deal with it... i sometimes wonder if i should just go with the day dream, and then I would remember, like Lance has done...

BUT i am scared to remember, tho i know i need to... i think if i remember it will release me from this internal agony...then i think if i do know and its correct, then my ,life and that of everyone around me is changed forever...

ahh maybe one day i will post my day dream, my trigger... when i feel strong enuf, see what people think... maybe soon xxx

Do you get like 'pictures' in your flashbacks, like little snippets of something that happened? I dunno if you ever read 'The courage to heal' but it would help a lot with all that kind of thing

My 'daytime symptoms' are pretty much restricted to feelings and body sensations, normally sexual feelings and disgust. I get the odd flash of things sometimes, like an image of very wrong sexual activity. I just dont know, I guess mabbe I block it out too - its so hideous. But they are never what seem like memories, they just seem like my brain putting horrible images in my head because it wants to torture me. I dunno what it is with me, I really hate it tho, yanoo?

Tis good you are feeling all brave tho :hug2:

[Lance]

Thanks everyone. I don't have time to reply to each response individually just yet.

My mum requested a meeting with myself and my T at our house. She'll be here in about an hour and a half... It's the first time my mums actually asked for one. I'm just not sure what's going to happen. I don't feel that I'm ready for this but I can't be too sure. Uhh...

Peace, Lance

[Roses]

Hi, just got in. Hope all goes well with your meeting. Thinking of you.

[ann51]

Hi Lance: You're very brave for sharing. Please let us know how the meeting goes; it's great your therapist will be there.

[Lance]

Gosh I'm so nervous about this meeting. My mum's just got home and T will be here in 15 mins. There hasn't even been a warm-up talk or anything. We're all pretty much going to meet up at the same time and get right into it after silencing the subject for 5 days. And now my memories are spinning around in my head and I don't know what's what anymore. I just tried reading the first post of this topic again to try and jog, but some things don't make sense now. Damn this shit. I don't want to do this any more. Can't I just stand up and walk away saying "Ha! April fool..."?

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

[Tray]

hey hun, how did it go? x

[Faerielight]

thinkin of you and hope it went ok.. well done for sharing these awful things. safe hugs to you faerie x

[Rael]

hope it went ok hun. how are you doing?

xxx

[Lance]

Hey peoples.

...Meh, it was alright. Well, the two of them got on really well, they can relate with lots of things being roughly the same age. I basically just sat there and listened to my mum talk to her about me and "the man" and everything really. She kept saying how she will go through a load more photos and her diaries with me. But you know what? I honestly wanted to be sick sat there. There's something about my mum trying to help me that just completely freaks me out. It's sooo hard to explain. She still isn't the kind of person I would want to talk to, mother or not. She's so sweet and innocent in nature and I can't handle talking about such shit with somebody like that, especially when it somewhat involves them...

As for me...well, I'm actually starting to remember more. And something that seems almost certain to me now is that "that man" wasn't the one that started it all. Yes, the memories of him are real and the psychological grooming did happen, but he wasn't the initial cause, I'm almost sure of it. For some reason, I'm starting to get small memories of my dad back... Considering I can't remember anything about him from when I lived with him, this is a big thing to me. For some reason, he's on my mind a LOT with all of this, I'm just not sure why. To be honest, I'm secretly dreading the thought of remembering something that involves him, it just feels like it's on its way. I sure hope not... The pieces are already in place, things I know of him now, what he's told me about his own past. Gahhh I dono >_<

I haven't written any poetry in a long ass time, maybe I should try and get some words together again. My older ones have become somewhat imfamous within my family now. I'll see what I can do.

Peace, Lance

[Roses]

Lance, glad you to hear you are alright. I was offered family therapy and I only did it once as it was not for me. I was also offered joint councelling with my abuser and that was a no as it's just not right for me. It sounds like it's not right for you either. It's good that you gave it a go though. That takes guts. Just wanted you to know that. That however you are feeling one thing can be sure that you are a fighter and you will be alright. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Rael]

i can imagine how hard it is to have to go through this with your mum alongside. although it is good that she is wanting to help and support you their overriding need is to make sure you are ok and from my experience this can be difficult if they keep pushing things. my parents kinda know two dx's, but know nothing about them and def dont know anything about the past

if you feel your mum is becoming too much for you to deal with as well as everything else (i dont mean that she would be a burden just that...ack i cant explain i just hope you know what i mean) but maybe you could gently say to her that there is some things you need to work out on your own for a while, but reassure her that if you need her help or comfort then you will be straight there to her.

she probably wants to feel as though she is helping you so really it might help to get yourself some space whilst letting her know that she is needed and that you feel you can go to her if you need to.

i hope that in time that you will be able to piece things together, and more importantly work through ways of dealing what is going on and what has happened.

writing sounds like a great plan and could be a great way of letting yourself free form words and sentences and just see where things take you.

all the best

xxx