love_2_love_love Posted November 26, 2008 Report Share Posted November 26, 2008 Due to current events I've felt the need to take control of my life, to make it better! As far back as I can remember I've never felt "right". Always out of place or even not real. Like the world is just moving around me and I can't quite absorb it. Moments of my life seem like I'm on the outside looking in. I dont actually see myself but I just dont feel like I'm there!! My mind races most of the time. I can't even process all the thoughts that pass through my head. My doctor put me on an anti-depression which has slowed my mind down to a point that I've realized that most all of my racing thoughts don't make since or mean anything, and sometimes I think of objects instead of complete thoughts. I have a hard time focusing on anything. Conversations, thoughts, reading...etc. Even when I really want to! I love to learn but reading is so difficult that I just avoid it or just scan over the material. The harder I try the harder it is!! Once I finish the first setence its like I forget it by the time I start the next!! The funny thing is that I made honor-roll in school so everyone thinks learning is easy for me. I never really feel like I actually learn anything, maybe just memorize it. I don't know! I have no desire for affection or other things most people tend to like or love. My husband does not understand that kissing or hugging doesnt...well do anything for me. I wish it did!! Oh my god... I wish it did!! I want to be able to give affection to my husband without it being a struggle...plus I heard it feels nice! I "zone out" sometimes. Sometimes just enough to realize I'm doing it and sometimes I don't know it untill i pull back in. I could be talking to someone and loose focus and not really hear the person but still talk to them and they never know I'm "out of it". I know that sounds weird but I can't explain it. Its like they are talking and so am I but I'm not all there. Even when I realize it, its hard to get back focused so I'm worried am I going to say something that don't make sense!?! Also, sometimes by the end of the day I think "where did the day go?". I don't actually loose time but like I said, it feels like I'm on the outside looking in. Like everything is in slow motion, but it just passes by without me knowing. I don't show emotions (like most people). I don't think I hold them in and its not like I'm completely numb to everything. My emotions just don't normally go into actions. I know I love my husband with all my heart but it never comes out as a kiss, hug, or pat on the back even when the moment seems appropriate. I can be completely torn apart emotionally and carry on a normal conversation and no one would ever know!! I'm a very passionate and caring person but I think I come off as cold sometimes. I am not "COLD" hearted by no means!! I truely care for friends and strangers alike. I can't hate...even those that have hurt me the most and probally deserve it. I just can't and don't!! I don't know why I'm like that...why I'm not affectionate or whatever. I just don't feel it like that. I don't understand how "ME" of all people, can come off as cold. That is why I took a good look at myself and thought that maybe how I am might not be normal. The way I feel, act, respond!!! I have more issues but I guess these are the ones that cause me the most upset. I was ready to take control of my life and face depression head on and conquer it, but... the more I thought of it the less sense it made!! I don't feel depressed!! I've been depressed!! The things I've talked about are things I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. I don't feel sad or depressed all the time! Lost, confused, and sometimes nothing or not real, but not sad and depressed!!! I finally opened up to my husband and told him a little about these things. It was so so hard, but I felt like it was something I needed to do. The whole time he kept saying "it sounds like depression" or "it sounds like the symptoms of depression I've read about". So then I start doubting myself. Maybe it is depression!! I don't know!! What do you think? Am I crazy or just plain crazy!?! lol I'm just kidding about the crazy part, but I do want to know what I might be dealing with!! Please let me know if you can relate and might know what I'm going through. Could it just be depression or something more? I just want to know something cause I'm being treated for depression and I'm afraid if I don't learn more that I know I'll talk myself out of seeking anymore help!! Thanks to everyone!! Take care! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love_2_love_love Posted November 26, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2008 wow!! I didn't realize this post was so long!! sorry to those who don't like to read!! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gun_747 Posted November 26, 2008 Report Share Posted November 26, 2008 Hi hon,that was a very good post. When I read it, I seen myself so much in that scenario...depression...its obvious here. Being depressed I have noticed that I can't concentrate either...despite being the top in my university degree and always being the labelled smart guy...I find it difficult to pick up a book now and read it the way I used to. I also find I cannot get pleasure out of things...I love people...strangers and especially my friends but I can't seem to enjoy their company anymore...I can't feel happy when Im around them despite yearning for it so much when they're not here. Its depression...its what that terrible and insane illness does - creates in us a series of conflicting thoughts and I hate it personally.I hope you can get some help for yours hon I really doStevie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love_2_love_love Posted November 26, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2008 I've dealt with all these issues since I was very young. could I've always been depressed? not "always" but most of my life? thanks so very much for you reply Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twistedpingu Posted November 26, 2008 Report Share Posted November 26, 2008 Hi, a lot of things you have wrote down there are very familiar to me too.... All the bits about feeling out of place and not real....feeling out of it when talking to people...coming across as cold towards people when your anything but.......pretty much everything in fact...the only thing I differ on is the affection part because even though I don't really feel a lot from it I still do give it as I know he needs it......and like you I've only ever been told its depression and maybe a bit of anxiety...although I have never really been honest wiht my GP....Have you been back to your doctor and told him/her exactly how what your issues are? You said that you have other issues as well.....maybe if you've left bits out that might be relevant and tie in with depression you might get a different response..Or I suppose getting an opinion from someone outside of the NHS could also be an option...It could just be depression, but as you said it's not really about feeling sad...For me I think social anxiety has a part in it...and I 'switch off' to try and block out the feeling of anxiety...You haven't mentioned anything about being unconfident or unsociable, having anxiety etc. so it's hard to know if it could be anything like that..not that I'm suggesting I would know...I'm no expert......barely even an amateur Sorry I can't be of much help, but I definately understand where your coming from! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love_2_love_love Posted November 26, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2008 thanks for your reply. anything helps!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted November 27, 2008 Report Share Posted November 27, 2008 I have a hard time focusing on anything. Conversations, thoughts, reading...etc. Even when I really want to! I love to learn but reading is so difficult that I just avoid it or just scan over the material. The harder I try the harder it is!! Once I finish the first setence its like I forget it by the time I start the next!! The funny thing is that I made honor-roll in school so everyone thinks learning is easy for me. I never really feel like I actually learn anything, maybe just memorize it.i get that an awful lot too, i love readin and yet can go months with picking up a book reading two lines and then having to put it down, or finding myself re-reading the same lines because i just can't remember them. it can be a symptom of depression, did you get this before you were put on the anti-depressant? it could be that either the dose is too high or that another one may be better suited to you. i have had meds that have made it impossible to concentrate on anything and have had to chop and change until i find ones that allow me to at least do physical things like reading and stuff vaguely wellI have no desire for affection or other things most people tend to like or love. My husband does not understand that kissing or hugging doesnt...well do anything for me. I wish it did!! Oh my god... I wish it did!! I want to be able to give affection to my husband without it being a struggle...plus I heard it feels nice! I "zone out" sometimes. Sometimes just enough to realize I'm doing it and sometimes I don't know it untill i pull back in.yup i am like that too. im even worse with public shows of affection, they repulse me. i want to want them, i yearn for it, but i cannot bear any hugging, holding or kissing in public. even at home i shy away from kissing or hugging and i feel terrible because i know it must be hard for my b/f and sometimes i will make myself just to feel like i am giving something back, but still, im not really there.I could be talking to someone and loose focus and not really hear the person but still talk to them and they never know I'm "out of it". I know that sounds weird but I can't explain it. Its like they are talking and so am I but I'm not all there. Even when I realize it, its hard to get back focused so I'm worried am I going to say something that don't make sense!?! Also, sometimes by the end of the day I think "where did the day go?". I don't actually loose time but like I said, it feels like I'm on the outside looking in. Like everything is in slow motion, but it just passes by without me knowing.oh yeah, definitely me, within the first few words of a conversation i go onto auto pilot. i dont mean to and dont know im doing it but the words flow over me and i nod or shake my head, or say yes and no in all the right places, but then all of a sudden i can 'come back' and have a moment of panic as i try to recall what was said or if i have said anything embarrassing or out of orderI don't show emotions (like most people). I don't think I hold them in and its not like I'm completely numb to everything. My emotions just don't normally go into actions. I know I love my husband with all my heart but it never comes out as a kiss, hug, or pat on the back even when the moment seems appropriate. I can be completely torn apart emotionally and carry on a normal conversation and no one would ever know!! I'm a very passionate and caring person but I think I come off as cold sometimes. I am not "COLD" hearted by no means!! I truely care for friends and strangers alike. I can't hate...even those that have hurt me the most and probally deserve it. I just can't and don't!! I don't know why I'm like that...why I'm not affectionate or whatever. I just don't feel it like that. I don't understand how "ME" of all people, can come off as cold.i go to work 5 days a week, i can be tearing myself apart inside, and yet i too will hold perfectly fine conversations with people, do my job and get on with things. i now what i feel for my b/f, i do feel it, but i have to actually force myself to act on it, to say something nice or as you say, a pat on the back, a hug or a kiss. i am incredibly passionate about things, but am also naturally a very shy introverted person when face to face with somebody, and even got told by someone i now know at work that when she first met me everybody said i was stuck up and cold because of how i acted. now most people know that i am not like that at all, but i had to admit that in hindsight i could understand how this had come across.That is why I took a good look at myself and thought that maybe how I am might not be normal. in short, what is normal? the only thing i would say is that something is causing you pain, discomfort or any problems then it is not a good thing. i dont know about 'normal' that term has tbh always caused me some confusion.I don't feel depressed!! I've been depressed!! The things I've talked about are things I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. I don't feel sad or depressed all the time! Lost, confused, and sometimes nothing or not real, but not sad and depressed!!!you dont have to be depressed to have problems, in my opinion depression is generally the first diagnosis that is come up with because it is pretty common and well known. talk to your doctor, let them know that there are other things going on, they may want to refer you on to a psychiartrist or someone who can offer you a better and more in depth diagnosis and who will be better equipped to work out how best to help you I finally opened up to my husband and told him a little about these things. It was so so hard, but I felt like it was something I needed to do. The whole time he kept saying "it sounds like depression" or "it sounds like the symptoms of depression I've read about". So then I start doubting myself. Maybe it is depression!! I don't know!!well done for opening up to your husband, that must have been really hard for you to do and i think you are really brave for doing it. but dont forget, he is not a doctor, people often have a limited view of mental illness, and often just dont know the kinds of things it can entail, never mind knowing all the possible diagnosis. talk to a professional and let them guide you with how to deal with this and move forwards.sorry for the protracted post but i really could identify with an awful lot of what you said.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love_2_love_love Posted November 27, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2008 I have a hard time focusing on anything. Conversations, thoughts, reading...etc. Even when I really want to! I love to learn but reading is so difficult that I just avoid it or just scan over the material. The harder I try the harder it is!! Once I finish the first setence its like I forget it by the time I start the next!! The funny thing is that I made honor-roll in school so everyone thinks learning is easy for me. I never really feel like I actually learn anything, maybe just memorize it.i get that an awful lot too, i love readin and yet can go months with picking up a book reading two lines and then having to put it down, or finding myself re-reading the same lines because i just can't remember them. it can be a symptom of depression, did you get this before you were put on the anti-depressant? it could be that either the dose is too high or that another one may be better suited to you. i have had meds that have made it impossible to concentrate on anything and have had to chop and change until i find ones that allow me to at least do physical things like reading and stuff vaguely wellI have no desire for affection or other things most people tend to like or love. My husband does not understand that kissing or hugging doesnt...well do anything for me. I wish it did!! Oh my god... I wish it did!! I want to be able to give affection to my husband without it being a struggle...plus I heard it feels nice! I "zone out" sometimes. Sometimes just enough to realize I'm doing it and sometimes I don't know it untill i pull back in.yup i am like that too. im even worse with public shows of affection, they repulse me. i want to want them, i yearn for it, but i cannot bear any hugging, holding or kissing in public. even at home i shy away from kissing or hugging and i feel terrible because i know it must be hard for my b/f and sometimes i will make myself just to feel like i am giving something back, but still, im not really there.I could be talking to someone and loose focus and not really hear the person but still talk to them and they never know I'm "out of it". I know that sounds weird but I can't explain it. Its like they are talking and so am I but I'm not all there. Even when I realize it, its hard to get back focused so I'm worried am I going to say something that don't make sense!?! Also, sometimes by the end of the day I think "where did the day go?". I don't actually loose time but like I said, it feels like I'm on the outside looking in. Like everything is in slow motion, but it just passes by without me knowing.oh yeah, definitely me, within the first few words of a conversation i go onto auto pilot. i dont mean to and dont know im doing it but the words flow over me and i nod or shake my head, or say yes and no in all the right places, but then all of a sudden i can 'come back' and have a moment of panic as i try to recall what was said or if i have said anything embarrassing or out of orderI don't show emotions (like most people). I don't think I hold them in and its not like I'm completely numb to everything. My emotions just don't normally go into actions. I know I love my husband with all my heart but it never comes out as a kiss, hug, or pat on the back even when the moment seems appropriate. I can be completely torn apart emotionally and carry on a normal conversation and no one would ever know!! I'm a very passionate and caring person but I think I come off as cold sometimes. I am not "COLD" hearted by no means!! I truely care for friends and strangers alike. I can't hate...even those that have hurt me the most and probally deserve it. I just can't and don't!! I don't know why I'm like that...why I'm not affectionate or whatever. I just don't feel it like that. I don't understand how "ME" of all people, can come off as cold.i go to work 5 days a week, i can be tearing myself apart inside, and yet i too will hold perfectly fine conversations with people, do my job and get on with things. i now what i feel for my b/f, i do feel it, but i have to actually force myself to act on it, to say something nice or as you say, a pat on the back, a hug or a kiss. i am incredibly passionate about things, but am also naturally a very shy introverted person when face to face with somebody, and even got told by someone i now know at work that when she first met me everybody said i was stuck up and cold because of how i acted. now most people know that i am not like that at all, but i had to admit that in hindsight i could understand how this had come across.That is why I took a good look at myself and thought that maybe how I am might not be normal. in short, what is normal? the only thing i would say is that something is causing you pain, discomfort or any problems then it is not a good thing. i dont know about 'normal' that term has tbh always caused me some confusion.I don't feel depressed!! I've been depressed!! The things I've talked about are things I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. I don't feel sad or depressed all the time! Lost, confused, and sometimes nothing or not real, but not sad and depressed!!!you dont have to be depressed to have problems, in my opinion depression is generally the first diagnosis that is come up with because it is pretty common and well known. talk to your doctor, let them know that there are other things going on, they may want to refer you on to a psychiartrist or someone who can offer you a better and more in depth diagnosis and who will be better equipped to work out how best to help you I finally opened up to my husband and told him a little about these things. It was so so hard, but I felt like it was something I needed to do. The whole time he kept saying "it sounds like depression" or "it sounds like the symptoms of depression I've read about". So then I start doubting myself. Maybe it is depression!! I don't know!!well done for opening up to your husband, that must have been really hard for you to do and i think you are really brave for doing it. but dont forget, he is not a doctor, people often have a limited view of mental illness, and often just dont know the kinds of things it can entail, never mind knowing all the possible diagnosis. talk to a professional and let them guide you with how to deal with this and move forwards.sorry for the protracted post but i really could identify with an awful lot of what you said.xxxthank u so much for your reply. its funny that you said "auto-pilot" because when i was talking with my hubby, trying to explain things to him I said the same thing! He laughed but I was serious. thats the best way that I could explain it to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyL Posted November 27, 2008 Report Share Posted November 27, 2008 wow!! I didn't realize this post was so long!! sorry to those who don't like to read!! Try breaking your posts up into paragraphs with line spaces in between. They'll be much easier to read and people won't feel like it's so long. They'll also be more likely to read them. Big blocks of text can seem very daunting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love_2_love_love Posted December 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 thanks hun. I will do that next time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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