I Haven't A Clue

[NeedAName]

I have no idea if there is anything wrong with me, I've never spoken to anyone about any problems I have had, I always keep them to myself, usually even online. Thought I feel there is something not quite right but I haven't a clue what or why or well, anything ahaha. The one thing I have the most difficulty with is telling anyone that I have a problem, so it makes it very hard to ask anyone for help.

I feel like I'm often pretending to be in a good mood, when most of the time I'm actually not, when I'm around friends and family, I feel like I'm only pretending to be happy so that they don't worry about me, I don't know why. Other times I can be irritated easily, just by someone messing with something, I'm not a violent person so I often just pinch myself till whatever it is stops, I don't want to shout at anyone or hurt them.

Angry shouting is something I am scared of, if I hear someone being yelled at, I will freeze or have to leave the room because I'll start crying. Anyone being yelled at or attacked makes me upset, I don't like to see people in pain or unhappy.

At times I will debate in my mind what my friends actually think of me, weather or not they are actually my friends or if they they think badly of me, so in a sense I'm doubting my own friends. In my family, I've only ever been close to my mum, my step-dad I don't have long conversations with much and my brothers are too diffrent, other family I don't see much. It's not a bad family, I like my family, they are all nice, well all the ones I know. Never knew my birth father, he left when I was about 6 months maybe.

I can't say I've had a bad life, the only major bad thing that's happend to me is probably going through secondary school being bullied, at the time I thought most kids went through that. Although I do think that brought my self-confidence way down, ahaha.

Oh and I hate being ignored, if I'm with friends and I'm not spoken too much, I will feel left out of conversation, I also get the feeling of being ignored on forums, if I don't get a reply in a topic within an hour, I start to get annoyed at the forum, but don't feel that you have to reply, I'll get over it

Anyway, that's about all I can think of right now, hope someone can answer anything here, oh and I'm male if that's of any importance what so ever. If you need to ask me something, please do, I am terribly confused about myself and everything that happens in life. Sometimes, I don't even feel like myself.

[Roses]

Hello Need-A-Name!

I've only been on here a few weeks now but have got loads of support! If you can cope without seeing the doctor that's really good, just don't be afraid to talk to your GP if you feel you can't cope. Is there anything in particular bothering you or do you just have a general feeling of unhappiness and the other symptoms you mentioned? It does sound like you are in a bit of a low period in your life. Have you felt like this before? Is there anyone you trust enough to talk to? We don't know each other but you can talk about anything here. If you would like to know a bit about me I am suffering with a severe depression with anxiety and have had problems on and off since I was 13. I am now 33 with two children and a husband and am, once again, scared of leaving my house. It's a long story.

I hope this is OK as an introduction. If you want to chat more I am here quite a bit at the moment. If you want to talk privately send me a personal message. Take care.

[NeedAName]

Hi, thanks, yeah I think that's a good introduction.

Thing about my GP is I haven't been to see him since I was 16 for hayfever medicin, so I don't think he knows a whole lot about me, infact I don't think anyone but people I speak to online know much about me, event then there are many things I've not shared with anyone online.

I wouldn't say it was a general feeling of unhappiness no, it's like since a few months back I started waking up thinking that it's not worth getting out of bed to do anything but I do because I have to go to university. Or I'll wake up sort of wondering what I'm doing or something, hard to explain that part. The feeling of being low started more or less when I was 17, about a year in from starting college, it was a compleatly diffrent setting because at college, I wasn't bullied or anything, it seemed plesent for the first year till 17 which was when I started to feel bad.

The only person I trust enough to talk to is my mother, she suffers from depression and one of my brothers suffers from psycosis, I think my birth father suffered from scitzofrinia(spelling), kind of a history of mental illness down my mothers side. Still, I find it hard to tell anyone anything, right now I am nervous just typing this online.

What I feel is that I am getting worse, for my 19th birthday, I just didn't do anything, I think I stayed home and had a cake with my family, nothing special, I could have pretty much just done nothing. Also, the proudest moment in my life is getting a B in my Maths GCSE retake, I feel that's quite pathetic, I mean I'm happy about it but in comparison to so many others, it just seems so weak.

Yes I'm forever compering myself, which is one reason why I think my problem isn't worth mentioning becuase I come to the conclusion that there are people out there who feel much worse than I do and still get on with things.

I've compleatly lost direction from where I started this, ahaha, sorry, I can't think what else to say now, it would be great to have someone face to face to talk to but I can't see that happening anytime soon because I'm far too nervous. I started crying when I told my mum I needed glassers, I can't imagin what I'd do telling her how I feel :mellow:

[Roses]

Hi there. Thanks for your honesty. I know it's difficult to talk about and believe me I understand why you are shaking. I attend an art class last Thurs of month. I turned up today and left 15 minutes later as couldn't handle lots of people in small space. Stupid! Was shaking and a nervous wreck. I have got to crack this. Start cbt again next week (cognitive behaviour therapy), maybe that will help.

I'm glad you can talk to your Mum. It sounds like she will be pretty up on things if she suffers herself. If you have had concerns about yourself for a couple of years maybe it is time to accept some help from your GP, even if it's just a bit of councelling so you can vent or get a neutral viewpoint. It is nice to talk face-to-face, but sometimes it's easier to talk like this. Maybe a mix of both is right??

Getting a B is worth being excited about! Don't put yourself down. Hell, I think it's an achievement if I get both kids to school on time - what does that make me? Just be you and don't mind what anyone else thinks. What are you studying? You in Uni digs with lots of others or in a shared house? You taking care of yourself - eating etc...

[NeedAName]

I hope that works out for you, being face to face with someone new is enough to make me nervous, not sure if you have that problem but yeah I hope CBT works out for you, not that I know what it consists of.

Anyway, this is the first time I've spoken about my problems, or more typed really, so I don't think I'll quite be up to telling someone yet, it takes a lot of me to do that. I don't know, it's almost like I'm waiting for someone to notice that there is something wrong with me.

I know my mum would want to help but I don't know, I can't get words out when I want to, never works, just comes out as something compleatly diffrent and way off point, or end up getting interupted by something and then I won't say it because of the distraction.

Getting a B was my highest grade, never gotten anything better than that, I wish I could have done better at school but I couldn't because I missed a lot of days pretending to be ill so I didn't have to face the people who where bullying me. No, I never told anyone about that either, I was too scared. The only time something happend to the people was when there was someone to see it happen like a teacher or another pupil who reported them for me.

I'd come home from school and no one would be in because both my perants worked till late, nither had well paying jobs back then. Often I would either talk to my pet budgie although he didn't understand, he was something to talk to or I would sit in my room crying. I missed the last day of secondary school because a group of people wanted to beat me up, I never understod why, I never did anything to anyone, so it's hard to understand.

At university I am doing Internet and Business (FdSc) because my A-Level grades wheren't good enough to get on a BSc course, so I'm aiming for 55% or over this year to move stright onto the BSc. I live at home with my perants, I'm too scared to live on my own or with new people.

Eating wise I'm much better than last year becuase I've started to make myself have breakfast in the morning, even if I feel a little sick in the stomach.

[snowman]

Hi - sorry I replied to a previous post without realising this one was here!!! Ooooopppps.

It can be hard to start to open up. In my "real life" I am seen as successful and strong - little do they know. In fact I only feel safe enough to say certain things here. I have only had support from the people here and never felt any negativity even when I have admitted dark things, things I could never say out loud.

Take care and keep posting.

[NeedAName]

I've never thought of how much a support forum can do, this is my first time so I hope it does work out, not sure what you mean by dark things, I assume something that might be considered radical? Thing is though, I would like to get much of what I feel out in the open so people I am close to know so I can have someone to talk to me face to face, but the main problem is telling someone, which is why I looked for a forum as a start.

I'll keep posting as long as I have anything on my mind or see something to reply to, I know nothing about mental health so I don't know how I could contribute to those topics.

[Roses]

If you feel most comfortable posting here then do it! Anything that helps is good. I'm glad you think this forum is good. Like I said I've only been here a few weeks and I'm finding it easy to talk and getting lots of positive support back from other members. As I said before don't put yourself down. Whatever you achieve it is an achievement whether it's a B or a D, it's just a grade. It's like trigonometry. You learn it at school but you never use it in the real world. Grades are important for a starting point in life but they are not the be all and end all. My Dad never got an O level or anything. He left home with about 2 shillings at age 16 (his Mum was a nasty piece of work) and in the end he owned 9 large properties and had a successful business. I did well at GCSE, flunked out at college but went on to several well paid jobs and an now settled with kids etc...

Just believe in yourself. Living at home is good. You have comfortable, familiar surroundings with people you love, and probably low rent - hehehe!

I'm sorry to hear you were bullied at school. Do you think this is what triggered your feelings of low self-esteem? Do you want to talk about it? Bullies are nasty creatures but they feed on our fear, it's a viscious circle and it is usually the quiet ones they pick on. Guess they just insecure and taking it out on others but it's totally not acceptable behaviour.

Glad you are eating a bit better. Someone once said to me that even if you don't feel like more than a cracker sit down and have that cracker (at breakfast, lunch or dinner) and eat it as your meal. If you eat small amounts regularly after a while you will start eating a bit more and then you can build it up from there. Nothing worse than a large plate of food in front of you when you don't want to eat! Yuck. Makes me sick.

Kids in bed now so chilling. Had a bad night last night (awake at half 3 this morning), then dozing until 6.15 when little one came in to bed with me. I volunteer at the school 3 half days so was in there this morning then this whole panic thing this avo I'm shattered and tearful. Hubbie just nipped down the shop then we watching Heroes we recorded last night. I love that programme. Currently listening to Nickleback, wanted to see Bullet For My Valentine at Manchester Academy but too skint.. anyway, I digress. Bye for now!

[NeedAName]

I can't help putting myself down when I think I've done badly or not achived much, but I haven't put myself down for any recent events, I'm actually quite pleased with the work I have done for uni so far and the marks I've been getting in moduals. Although there are several project deadlines in December, which starts to make me nervous and not think things through, one project is group work which I feel like I'm doing all the work for, that's just because I don't want the group to get bad marks so I'm pushing myself for the whole group :s

I do believe it was the bullying that started this, before secondary school, I could talk to anyone and everything was good, I enjoyed primary and infant school, they where great. The bullying only started in secondary, not sure what there is to talk about but it would be nice.

There was one time where I stood up for myself, it was the first and last time I ever did, he punched me in the stomach and being non-violant, I didn't even attempt the fight back, he only got a 5 day exclusion, this was a kid who was probably the most violant kid in the school. There where other kids who would insult me or punch me, there where a few times my perants knew I was bullied, that was when the school contacted them, but that wasn't too often because much of it went unnoticed.

But this guy I stood up I wouldn't say only picked on quiet people, he was known for beating up his own friends if they got in his way, he wasn't a very nice person. The sad thing is, he lives down the street from me so I'm still some what scared that he might recognise me and try something.

Eating yeah, somedays I feel better after eating, other days it makes me feel sick afterwards, I have no idea why that is, strange thing that, but doesn't stop me eating, I know I have to. Also about 4 months ago, I did get back into the habit of brushing my teeth, it's not something I'm proud to admit but I did neglect my teeth for several years because I never saw the point in keeping them clean, disgusting I know and you probably didn't want to know that

Sorry that you had a bad night, hope that gets better for you, also can't say I've ever watched Hearos, never seen it as my kind of program.

[Rael]

hi nice to meet you. finding somewhere you can talk freely and find support is a wonderful thing, and i truly hope that you find this place to be somewhere you feel as safe as i do.

could you maybe print out this post and when you feel ready, take it to your doctor. it could help you if you find it difficult to talk about things, i have had whole conversations with my doctor via notes before, i doubt that they will find it odd. i would mention your family history regarding mental health problems too, it would be a big help to know this when you see them.

i was bullied at school too, pretty much from as far back as i can remember and even today it happens. it badly affects your confidence in yourself and your abilities and can seriously damage people. if nothing else the doc may want to offer you counselling to build your confidence and deal with things.

well done for getting to university and it doesnt matter what you are doing or how well you have done in the past, what matters now is getting yourself feeling better and doing your best for yourself now.

a lot of the time i reply with gut instincts and personal experiences so dont worry if you dont have professional style as such knowledge about things, your input is still valuable. i hope that you find you are able to talk and be yourself here

xxx

[NeedAName]

I believe my GP knows about mental health problems in my family, he's my brothers GP and I think has been my mums in the past, he's know us for quite some time, I know I've never had a diffrent GP. If anything though, I'd be more likly to show my mum writting of how I feel, it's how I told her I needed glassers, haha, it took me 5 years to admit I needed glassers.

I've never been bullied since school, I've had a few insults thrown at me from 'chavs' about my hair because I have long hair and obviously guys aren't allowed long hiar! I don't pay attention to that though, it's not going to make me cut my hair. Still, sorry you're still bullied, I was always under the impression that the worse kinds of bullying stoped when you left school.

And thanks, university wasn't too hard to get into, considering the course I'm on accepted the lowest of E,E grade in A-Levels to get onto it, haha. I've not had any problems at university though, which is nice.

As for the input thing, I don't know how well I can even reply to someone because I would have no real understand of what they are going through and everything so I wouldn't know where to begin with a reply. Replying to things about myself I can do but what to say to other people, I can't :|

[Roses]

Hello again. I'm glad you are proud of you recent achievements and I'm glad that you are eating OK. Sorry if I was prying too much I didn't mean to. I agree with Rael about printing this off and perhaps sharing it with a professional who can help you to work through what is troubling you. Have you ever kept a diary? That can be really helpful when you are trying to get to the bottom or something as you can look back and see triggers or patterns in behaviour and work out why you are reacting that way. Then perhaps you can move forward.

Long hair is cool and well done you for ignoring those 'chavs'. Bullying is defo not something that ends at school, and is an issue that most people are aware of now and I think there are support groups out there.

As Rael said it doesn't matter if you feel you are not up with all the words for things just be yourself and I'm sure you'll be fine. You come across very well. Let me know how you get on.

[NeedAName]

It doesn't seem like yo uare prying too much to me, there are somethings I haven't mentioned that haven't come close to being brought up yet, I'll let you know if I'm uncomertable discussing something, but so far it's fine and I don't mind, it's far easier to type things out than actually say them, unless I personally know the person, that makes it just as hard as talking to them, aha.

I started a diary last year because I thought it would help me, from time to time it does but I've never gone back to reread it, I used to write in it daily but I stoped sometime last winter because I found I didn't have much to write about at times. Each entry I make has to be 3 pages long, I also record the time I started writing and when I finished, sometimes I have written a time for when I have finished to take a short break like after a page or two then put the time I start writing again.

Only problem with long hair is washing it, I can only wash it over the sink and it's a bit low down for me so it strains my back, lol. I really need to remind my perants to get a shower, even one that connects to the bath would be handy.

Yeah, don't know when I'll actually feel ready to get the words out to anyone I know though, I'd have to build myself up for it because I am scared of what the other person will think, even though I know they will want to help me, their reaction still scares me. I don't know.

[Roses]

Glad you OK with what I'm saying. I do that, some days have loads to write and other days absolutely nothing. However sometimes I just draw a picture on the days I can't get the words onto the paper. Do you like drawing?

Yeah, I sometimes have to wash my hair over bath and it hurts your back! Defo have to get shower attachment. If not a shower then a willing slave to wash your hair for you - lol!

Just take your time. Keep posting here and see how it goes. Just talk about what you want to and it'll all come out in time. One of the times I was admitted to hospital last year I was so ill I couldn't talk to anyone for days, let alone write anything or email things. I couldn't even talk to my children. Even if you just send a msg going "aaaaaarrrggghhhh" I'll understand!

[NeedAName]

I do like drawing, I will doodled stuff out of bordom a lot, I don't actually draw anything much because it takes too much time and I get bored if I can't do something stright away or finish it quick. Also, I don't often like what I draw, so yeah, haha, I generally doodle some cubs or flowers or baloons or stick figures, anything that comes to mind.

I don't think I'll be getting a willing slave anytime soon

Posting here is something I will try to carry on doing, I like posting on forum, but I've never been to a forum like this before, generally it's been gaming or anime forums I've been to, so this is a huge change, haha.

That sounds pretty bad though, I remember one time when I was young, I had to stay at one of my grandperants houses and my brother went to another because my mum was ill, I was too young to understand what was wrong with her but looking back I know it wasn't the sort of illness I was thinking of back then.

[Roses]

Yeah, we try to protect our children's innocence for as long as we can. Sound like that was what your Mum was trying to do too. Mine know I have depression now and that the doctor's gave me things cos I was too sad but it's a hard one to explain cos they then start thinking it's their fault. Just have to hope we've explained it well enough, think we have. They don't know anything about my sh or suicides or anything though. Would break their little hearts.

Doodling sounds good. I get frustrated too. Me and my 8 year old just finished a chinese scroll. We just put up a new blind and the off cut was about 20cm wide so decided to make a scroll. He said it should say "the world will end on pizza night. Beware of the man with the curly moustache". That was his prophecy! Anyway, googled the chinese words and painted on the symbols, got this cool picture of dragon and painted that on. Looks totally awesome and Aran's teacher is going to put it on the wall! We like art, a lot. Kitchen walls are plastered with it.

I'm going to be attending a sort of drop-in / day centre and they have art, yoga, music etc... but you have to get referred by a professional. Maybe if you did speak to someone there may be something like that in your area? Yeah, the whole Heroes thing is a bit sad really. I have the whole comic book hero thing going on. Guess it's an 80's thing. My taste in music is probably questionable too - hahahaha. It was all cool, many moons ago... what do you watch / listen to then?

[NeedAName]

I understand why she did it, or rather why my dad took us to our grandparants, I had no idea if it was my mums decision or not, then I didn't know a whole lot then, I was around the age of 6, it was a great age. I'd used to play in the garden a lot and I built a little nest for woodlice in a box, I loved woodlice, when one died, I would bury it in part of the garden with a little stone to mark it.

I don't know what my perants would think though, my mum my be more understanding than my dad but I've never really been close to my dad or any of my brothers, no idea why. I know none of them would reject me and I know my close friends wouldn't as well, but telling someone seems really hard to do.

That sounds like fun with the Chinese scroll, I never got to do many big art things at home because my perants where usually at work or my mum was too tired to get any paints out after being at work, I know I used to be messy with paint and everything, so it was vary rare I did anything at home.

That any my 2nd oldest brother who's autistic used to get more attention than I did, again I know why now but back then it seemed unfair, my 2nd oldest brother is now in a care home for autistic people, it's a good place and he seems to be happier there than at home, so it's great for him. We see him every 2 weeks and I know my parants talk to him on the phone, even though he can't talk in sentances, he only knows how to say some words.

There are some drop in places around me I think, my mum helps run a writting group for people with mental health problems, people don't need to be refered to it though, but I think she said something about some doctors refering people to it. It's the only thing that slightly intrests me, I don't find many activities all that intresting any more, I get bored very easily.

I watch a few things, such as CSI, Dexter, Have I Got News For You, Mock the Week, Lewis and some other shows, also watched a few animes. What I listen to is something very broad, I listen to anything I think has a nice sound to it, no perticular genre.

[Roses]

It sounds like you pretty much got your Mum's illness figured out and that's good. The writing group she helps at sounds like a positive place to be. Could you help there too? It's good that you don't have to be referred, makes it easier. What area of England are you in? We in North West. I didn't do much art with my Mum either. She was great for game or writing and stuff but she backed away from the paint and stuff. Which is understandable. I am one of 3 (are you one of 3 too)? and it's hard work. My little bro isn't well either and he got a lot of attention and was diet restricted - so we were too! I thought this was unfair as a child but, like you, understand it now.

Sounds like you'd get on with my partner! He likes the topical debate shows and Spooks and stuff. I watch Spooks but some of the programmes just go over my head.

Yeah, the whole losing interest thing is a symptom of depression so don't worry, it'll all come back and it's amazing how quick it does once u start to feel a little brighter. I'm baking cakes today as is school fair tomorrow. Am on PTA so doing my bit! Am face painting tomorrow and never done it before so should be interesting! I helped paint the banner and now they think I do anything arty and I'm shitting myself as I not feeling very confident at mo.

[NeedAName]

I've help my mum with some of the stalls shes run in the past like one she did at an art thing, it ment she could take a break and look around while I looked after the stall. I could go to the writting group if I asked, I did go when I was younger and off school but I think that was because my mum didn't like leaving me in the house on my own all day.

I'm starting to vaugly sense she's starting to pick up on something recently though, she'll come home from work and ask if I'm okay, then ask several times through out the day, so I'm wondering if she is picking up on something. I'd say no but no is a hard word to say, for me anyway, no always comes out as yes, unless I want to do something then it's the opposit, yes will come out as no unless I push myself, haha.

I'm in South Yorkshire, my mum never really played many games, she was usually too tired, she would play when she had a holiday though and at christmas. My dad used to play games with me. I am the youngest of 4, all my brothers are older but my oldest lived with my grandmar on my mums side, so the house only had 3 of us most of the time till my 2nd oldest moved out.

Can't say I've ever watched Spooks, I generally watch things at night when I finish on the computer and before I go to bed, if it's before 10pm, chances are I'm not going to watch it unless it is on the Virgin Media On-Demand service, lol.

I've read the symptoms of depression but everytime I look at any form of symptom for anything, I always think "I'm not that bad so I probably don't have that." which for physical pain is usually the case, I get odd pains which I have the feeling are caused from having too much on my mind. I know when I'm bored, I don't do anything to help it, I can sit looking at the computer screen for hours without doing much, I know I shouldn't be at the PC so long but I can't find anything else to do, I've tried to tidy but then I get to doing it and just get the sense that it's not worth it and go back to the PC, haha.

I'm sure you'll do fine with face painting though, if it's children, they shouldn't be too hard to impress with face paint, lol.

[Roses]

If your Mum is picking up on something maybe you should ask her for some help? I know you said you didn't want to but sometimes the first step is the hardest and after that the sense of relief can be immense and you find yourself moving forwards in big leaps. It may be that you can nip this in the bud now? She is probably pretty perceptive and knows her stuff. I would like to think I will raise my children to be able to think for themselves and she has obviously done a good job with you as you have navigated yourself to a good forum and are aware something is not quite right and that you need to think about doing something about it.

It is easy to read up on symptoms and convince ourselves we don't fit in those boxes. No-one likes to admit they have issues and it's hard work being humble but sometimes we need to be honest, even if it hurts others. I'm sure you would act sensitively to others. You can get physical pain that is associated with inner turmoil. When I get panickey I get a crushing pain in my chest and last year I was convinced I had broken my toe when there was nothing wrong with it - cuckoo!!!!

I'm much better now. Thanks for the vote of confidence for tomorrow. It helps. It is boring when you can think of nothing to do. Guess I not there much as have kids etc.. keeping me busy but do worry how I will cope when they are older and don't need me as much. I get bored very easily. IT's good that you listen to a broad spectrum of music. Even though I'm predominantly rock I like classical, hip hop, dance etc... and have played piano since I was 7 so especially like listening to piano music. In particular Beethoven symphony 'Pathetique' and Debussy 'Clare De Lune'.

[NeedAName]

I should ask for help but it's very hard to, how would it be worded? That's the main problem, then the next is actually saying it, I can see it would help from there and passing the first step should feel better, I mean I felt better getting glassers, haha. One thing that bothers me is there are still things I'm not even willing to post, they are written in my diary but those are things I'm really not ready to say and the main thing I'm not saying seems to affect me a lot, I wonder if this would come out once I have passed the first step of actually asking for help. Sorry if this paragraph is pooly constructed, words are lost on me to describe this.

I really became more aware something was wrong when I started to question what my friends thought of me in my mind, that's something that worries me, I don't want to start questioning my friendships, especilly not the people I made friends with in Secondary school, they where the only reason I went, I enjoyed seeing my friends and talking to them through school.

I've had some really odd physical pains, once I had a pain in my left leg for several months on and off through college. Other times I've broken out in a rash all over my arms and back, that was really odd. Other times I just shake uncontrollable or get stomach pain, I've also had a cramp near my lung. Don't think I've ever thought anything was broken though, that does seem strange

Reading would be a good way to releve bordom but I can't read a book for very long, being dyslexic it makes it hard, so I only tend to read books with pictures in, generally manga, no one thinks you can't read then :lol:

[Roses]

I guess you wouldn't have to word it at all if you wrote it down? Or printed off our conversation? I don't mind your Mum knowing what I've said if it helps you. If you use a letter you bypass all that awkwardness. If I am really down I write notes to hubbie. With regards to saying the things that are in your diary, if and when you feel ready I would be honoured if you wanted to bounce your feelings off me? You could send me a personal message so it's just between us? Maybe once you've talked about it a bit you might feel a bit better about it.

With regards to doubting your friendships - it is normal. It is normal to have doubts and fears about everything. You know it's not normal when you pass that line and start thinking everyone hates you. On bad days I think my children don't love me which is totally paranoid but at those times I truly believe they hate me. That is the difference between a little doubt and paranoia so don't worry about it sounds like you pretty OK on that side of things!

Like I said before the physical pain is cos your body is trying to tell you something is wrong. People quite often get rashes cos of stress. Stress can actually cause depression. The shaking thing is OK too. Nerves do that to you. Just accept that this is happening and keep talking. It will get better.

Is there anything you want to ask about that you think I might know the answer to? Is there anything you would like to know about me that might make it easier for you to talk about these difficult subjects?

[NeedAName]

Having it written down does seem like the only option, I wouldn't print this topic off though, the fact I have spoken about feeling left out when I was young isn't something I want to tell my mum, I think she would feel bad about that, I could take out parts and paste them together to form a note, lol. But I know if I leave it out, I'm going to nervous and feel sick through the day until it is seen and even then I'll probable feel sick, seems silly to get worked up over it.

With the issue I don't feel like talking about, it might take sometime to move that far, even between two people, it's not something I think I can easily talk about to anyone. Maybe one day that'll change.

You might have miss understood what I ment by doubt, I probably didn't go deep enough. By doubt, it's wondering what they say about me behind my back and if they will meet up among themselfs without inviting me along and yeah, generally if they like me, that's what I meat by doubt. Sometimes when we've aranged to meet to do something and they are late, I start to wonder if they are going to turn up or if they just left me on my own, they always do turn up but it's the doubting that worries me.

Oh okay, I've never understod much about stress either, the way the brain works is compleatly lost on me, haha, it's quite fascinating how the brain reacts to things I think. But what was more odd about the time I got the rash, it was after I had done all my college coursework and exams, I had nothing to be fearful about.

I'd like to know what "anxiety" is, I've never understod the meaning of it, I'm sure I've asked someone before but I've forgotten.

And is it obsessive behaviour to always write 3 pages, date and time all entries?

I don't think there are any questions I can ask about you that would help me talk about the difficult subjects, it's quite an odd problem. Any question I could ask about it would be too leading to the actual issue.

[Roses]

It's not silly, the feelings of getting worked up mean that you worry about upsetting your mother which means you care a great deal about her and that is a good thing. Giving her a note sounds like the way to go then? Do you feel comfortable with that? Like you said, you know will know when you are ready to talk about the difficult subjects and it doesn't matter how long it takes as long as you keep well along the journey.

Now you have explained it a bit more it does sound like you are suffering with a little bit of paranoia at times. I guess only you know how often this is and if it's a big problem in your life. Perhaps when you are ready for help this is a subject you could talk about with somebody professional. In the meantime just try and remember the reasons why they are your friends and rationalise it a bit (if you can at the time). Everyone is late or has to cancel. They may well talk about you when you are not there but I'm sure it's only good things they will be saying. Everybody talks and everybody falls out sometimes. It doesn't mean they don't like you. This is one of my problems and it is called "black and white thinking" or "villians and heroes". When someone upsets you it's very easy to say they are horribble and put them in the villiains box. When they are nice they are all of a sudden your best friend and in the heroes box. Finding a happy balance is the key and CBT really helps with this sort of issue.

That is wierd the rash came out after the stress had ended. Maybe it was building up or maybe you had a viral rash??

It's not obsessive to do that. It is obsessive if you can't sleep / leave the house etc... unless you do that. Or if you think something bad will happen if you don't do that. We all have our little things that we do. I like the house clean but I don't bleach everything in sight day and night.

Anxiety is when you get that knot in your stomach telling you something is wrong and you worry excessively about things. It's different for everyone but I couldn't leave the house for months as I was convinced it wasn't safe. It depends what triggers your anxiety as to how it impacts your life. Have you been on the Mind website? They have loads of info and downloadable booklets about a wide range of subjects and it's in short sections so you can just read the bit you want instead of trawling through loads of crap and getting confused.

[NeedAName]

Note is the easiest way for me, yes I would be comfertable with it when I am ready to do it, though it could be a few days I don't know when I will be ready. As forthe difficult subject, talking about that would also take a while, leaving it to me to PM you is also not a great idea, I will never push myself to talk about something so you'd never get a PM, lol. I can probably be persuaded to talk about something, yeah, I wouldn't know when I'd be ready to talk, you could PM me asking if you wanted to at any point, not sure if you'd get more of a reply than "uhhh", because I can't say what I'll think of to say. But if you send one, I could reply whenever I feel I can.

When someone upsets me, I'm very forgiving, I wouldn't be pleased with what they've done but I very rarely hold it against them, unless they intimidate me in which case I will avoid them. When I doubt my friends, it's very hard for me to rationalise it, I can't explain why though.

With the rash, it wasn't viral, I wasn't ill at all and I hadn't come into contact with anything new, it was gone the next morning although I only got sleep that night because it was impossible to stay awake longer.

Right, I think I understand a little more about obsessive behaviour, I could go through some of the things I think might be obsessive if you wanted to know more about that, it's something I again don't know much about. The Mind website I haven't looked at much, no, I could have a look but I might still get confused, lol. Anyway, thanks for that definition, if I'm understand this right, it's when you feel extreamly worried about something and it affects something else?