My Mood Has Crashed .. Knew It Wouldnt Last Long

[Faerielight]

feel in the depths of depression ..feel so empty and am really alone.. im so sick of spending all weekend on my own with noone to talk til mon..

i thought my break up grief WAS DISSAPATING AFTER THE TATTOO cover up/ door kicking thing but im back to where i was .. missing him and beeing depressed and alone.

hugs, faerie x

[Rael]

these things take time to heal hun, and weekends are the worst times to find ourselves sitting and thinking and remembering way too much. is there anything you can do to keep yourself busy? for example i am about to start a painting that i have been meaning to do for weeks. im so bored and have procrastinated about it so much but i know that once my mind is in the grip of doing something else, things will ease, even if just for a little while.

keep posting here, and if you want to go into chat drop me a message and ill come in.

xxx

[saffron]

yeah i feel like that, i have spent so long alone bringing up kids on my own that now they are adult and have a life i find it hard to know what to do and how to do it. apart from being skint anyway, i cant think of anywhere to go or with who. I am sorry to hear your relationship broke up sometimes you do get consumed by it so much when its gone your lost ,. not sure what to do either. it feels really pointless and selfish doing stuff just for me but at the same time feel that if I dont look after me who else will. no one, so its down to me to occupy myself just havent found anything stimulating or that I feel part of yet. counsellor says, essentially that I am not willing except help or other people, why should I just to get kicked in the teeth, the though of being alone for the rest of my life is scary, but the thought of being with someone is scarier.

what about your family, are they not around?

D

[Faerielight]

thanks rael .. i might peek into chat!

safron.. sorry you're lonley too.. i dont have any family .. my violent dad is dead and my mother abused me so i have no contact.

im so sick of this lonliness .. prob is i have m.e so im too exhausted to actually do much.. i miss ecsersise .. it so lifts my mood but im too ill even for a yoga class.. i feel imprisoned alone in my flat ill and nuts.. i miss my ex so bad.

faeriex

[saffron]

I cannot imagine what you are going through with ME/CFS and would not insult you in trying, and families are the most hurtful people around i can empathise in that but I do know about lonliness, if you do not mind me asking why did he leave? do you feel it is your fault? is there any support classes/venues for ME near you.

Being stressed about your ex will contribute to this as it will just drain you of energy. is there anything you liked to do that you did not whilst with your ex, anything you would really like to know about? If you want to research about something that interests you then you can do this in your own time, when you feel like it, without rush or pushing. see if there are forums that are associated with something you are interested in, there is normally a forum for everything and you never know someone might be just round the corner..

not sure where you are so do not know what facilities are available

best wishes

D

[Marchmadness]

Hey -

Its gonna take sometime for to really process this. I do understand you are in pain,

and the weekends are so tough, can you maybe plan something? I mean to take up

your time during the weekend, can you go out for a walk, sometimes just getting out

in the neighborhood can help. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you will get through

this. Keep talking.

Marchmadness

[Faerielight]

thank you so much saffron and march..i i go on an m.e forum and a thyroid disease forum and i have menieres disease as well so go on that forum!! cos i have 3 illnesses they all make me really ill,. i see a couple of friends for a couple hours a week but neither of them visit me so when im having a really exhausted patch i cant get out.

there's so many things id love to do.. i love going for swims, yoga classes, but too weak to do that atm.

I want to do courses in lots of things!! video editing, counselling, maybe a psychology a level, graphic design so ill see how my health is for a bit of study next sept, but im just so bored and lonley stuck at home alone feeling ill and plus my mental health is soooo bad since my ex left..

saffron. i think there were many resons my ex left.. i blame myself cos i got seriously ll beg of this year,, the thyroid meds wernt working cos it took them months to figure out i couldnt convwert normal thyroxine so it poisoned me and fucked all my fertility hormones up and i just got iller and iller. and really hormonally wobbly

My ex was looking after me.. he said he waned to bt it was too much for him, he went self emplyed as a music producer and left cos he didnt want to loook after me and wanted to do his buisiness..

also cos my thyroid was so fucked i lost my sex drive for3 1/2 months he lost interest when my sex drive went.

he ended it in a shitty way.. we made love and he ended it straight after.. i was so shocked.. i took an od and eneded up in a and e for that and for alcohol p[oisoning and he didnt come and visit me, but after that he was so angry cos his ex had killed herself and it triggered him.he thought i did it to get back at hm., but i was so in sock hed left me cos 3 weeks before he was talking about our wedding. he said he didnt love me any more.

But a couple weeks later another factor ememmrged.. he told me that he'd done REALLY bad things in his past before he met me.

and it fucked my head up so bad.. i tried to tel my nurse at the time and she was going to go to the cops and report him and i wouldve been in danger from him for telling someone so i had to lie to my nurse and tell her it wasnt true..

My ex also told me he'd paid for sex and slepyt with a married woman the day he ended it.. it broke my heart.. i used to have to sell sex donkeys years ago and he knew that and it was cruel of him to have told me hed slept with a prostitute after him knowing how much that part of my past had traumatised me so much.

so he was really cruel to have fried my head with stuff he's done i can never get therapy for.. so my take on it is that yes maybe me being so ill and also really wobbly because i was so scared about my health was a factor, but also i dont think he couldve hidden that dark side of him from me forever so it was probably time limited.

The relationship was amazing, we were so close and connected.. he was so loving untill it ended.. ive never had that before, but im struggling now with missing what we had together and trying to get my head around i didnt know the full picture so he wasnt the man i thought i knew.. and now i know what i know i wouldnt be able to be with him anyway cos of what hes done... but it still doesnt stop me missing the 2 years of happiness..

so its complicated and im not really moving forward cos i cant tell my nurse the full pictire of what im trying to deal with .. cant tell my friend cos its alltoo hporrific, so i dont know how to move through it, and heal it.. when i got his name tatoo covered up last week all this rage built up about what he d fried my head with and i tried to kick his door in which is s unlike me to do something like that.. but the day after he told me the bad stuff i tried to tell him how angry i was hed told me and he threatened me so i never got to get my anger out until the door kicking..

Also i got date raped 4 months ago and had to deal with that had loads of stress with the police cos i didnt want to go to court.. and then my psyc nurse of 4 years left suddenly shed been my rock and ive only just got a new nurse 3 weeks ago but can only see her every 2 weeks so ive been through a lot this year.

I felt better for a bit after the door kicking but am dealing with recovered memories about my abuse which is hard and also my friends backed off last week cos they were shocked i tried to kick my exs door and thought i was losing it and blamed it on the bpd..but now im back to depression grief and confusion over it all.

sorry this is long.

hugs faerie x

[saffron]

my god faire, what a hard time you have had, sounds like it would send mary poppins into a rage so you are not to blame at all for feeling like you do. quite honestly he sounds like a real sh*t and you are better off without him. and please please do not blame yourself for him buggering off, the problem is his as a human being.

I can empathise in you not feelling ready to talk to your nurse, I sometimes feel that talking about it makes it worse, just opens old wounds instead of focussing how to move forward, hope that makes sense, however, you have opened up to me and i have only just come on to the site, so well done.

I dont get your friends being angry and not visiting? do they understand what your going through or do you put on a good front, I know I do, maybe you could get together and give them pamphlets and that to explain, they might be a bit more understanding.

Where do you live, hope you dont mind me asking, is there any way of moving to start a fresh . big decision I know and I dont think it would be running away.

glad to hear you are putting yourself out there and talking on forums with genuine people who understand, could you see if they do a local drop in centre or club to actually get to meet them face to face so you can support each other.

sounds to me like you are a very brave and caring person and you should work on your self esteem, there are lots of self help books around that give you really good excersices to help.

take care of you

D

[Rael]

hey thinking of doing them courses sometime sounds great, how are you thinking of doing them - home study? im doing a course by post right now and theres no time constraints which is great.

take care hun

xxx

[Faerielight]

thanks guys.. saffron im in brighton.. i so couldnt move!! .. yep life has been hell last few months.. and my friends are crap realy to be honest.. they live 2 or miles away from me.. but cos im the one with a car i only see them if i visit they always have an exuse.. too busy etc.. i really need some friends to visit .. since my ex left my flat is beautiful but its not had any other vibes in.. it would be nice to overwrite some of the memories with my ex with a friend visting.but they always back off when im mentally unwell which i am atm and a couple put me down and get angry with me.

I can talk to my new nurse about my abuse but not about the stuff my ex told me, so it makes it ahrd to resolve my feelings .. ive already been there with my old nurse that she was gonna tell the cops wot i told her so i cant go there again.. the ony people i can really tell are the samaritans but its not therapy.. i hate him for frying my head knowing i cant get it out in therapy.

i speak to them on the phone but i feel like im living out in the sticks im so lonley!!

well i went to NA today.. i was so desperately lonley i needed to see people even if it was strangers!! hopefully itll stopme drinking and over using benzos too.. i found it exhausting but at least i saw some real live people!!

rael.. yes maybe i could do some home study but its money.. the local colledge gets fee remission of im on benefits.. i might find something to start in jan a couple hors a week.. i think ill ring them tommorrow.

hugs faerie x

[Rael]

i know they said about calling the cops but is it something that he is doing now? i would have thought that they would be bound by confidentiality unless there is active criminality going on or unless you want to make a formal complaint. its really bad that you cant go through this stuff in therapy.

you know im always here hun you can talk to me about anything pm me if you ever need anything

xxx

[Faerielight]

thanks hon.. its a nightmare i cant talk about it with my nurse.. it not stuff hes doing now its way in the past but it affects my confusion and feelings that i cant seem to get past without help.. i wish i could tell my nurse the full picture but i cant. its the headfuck of what he told me plus my confused feelings of grieving for the man i loved more than anyone and wot i know about his past.. i wonder what wouldve happened if ihad known that when i was with him.. if i would've left him or not.. its all so confusing and emotional.. and im in such a state over the break up.. so stuck and hurt and missing him and hating him and its eating me up.. im so scared of blurting it ou t to my new nurse.. as i know he has done so well to change his life around and be a good perso now..that must ve been so hard for him.but im fucked up about my feelings for him.

I just fucking wish i could talk to my nurse about all my mixed emotions and the resons why. hugs faerie x

[Rael]

could you write all these things down, you dont have to show it to your nurse but it can be there so if you ever do feel that you need to then you dont have to go through the added trauma of trying to explain it all. it might be therapeutic too to be able to get it out and down on paper.

xxx

[Faerielight]

thats a really good idea thanks hon xx.. its mad.. i keep hitting this wall and i cant seem to move through this.. thank you for all your support your fab!! x

[saffron]

unfortunatley nurses as with counsellors ect are bound by protocols that say in some circumstances they are bound by law to notify the police. However, if protecting him is making you worse then something needs to be done, it may even help him further because he will get help as well, sounds like he is pretty f*cked up and needs help. if he said those things after you broke up are you sure he is not just lying to you to hurt you further or attempt to keep you away from him, seems to me that he is trying to justify why he walked out on you, he sounds very selfish and those type of people will say anything to get their own way or try to turn it around to make it sound like its your fault, when it is his, or make himself feel better.

rael had a good idea of writing things down, you could do a list of key words that describe how you feel or an honest list of your good qualities.

in the evening you could write down a daily plan for the next day to follow which will give your day some structure and you a sense of acheivement, make time for yourself because you are important and worthy of being happy.

big hugs

D

[Faerielight]

thanks saffron.. no i cant go there again .. it was a nightmare.. my old nurse said after i told her about my ex id have to be moved to a safe house way outside where i live.. i cant uprooot.. im too ill physically with m.e for a start.. and ive got a poolrly terminally ill cat who cant be moved.. it would be so stressful and even though im stuck not resolvoing my feelings or this break up, it would be a hell f a lot worse of i opened that can of worms again!

im just gonna have to live with it and find a way to try and move through it all.

ive only just got the police off my back from the date rape .. they havent closed the case but atleast they re not investigationg it further or making me be a witness.. that was so stressfull in inteslf all the police stiuff about tht.. its contributed to my breakdown.

Nono more police involvement ever.. they were such bastareds to me with the rape thing i never want to see or speak to a cop again.

im just so fucked up for verything the lasat few monhs but im sure ill cope. hugs ferie xx

[saffron]

sounds like you have been really let down there are rape crisis and support centers and also ones for domestic violence, you will get to talk to people who specialize in this sort of thing and maybe meet people who have been through the same.

If this problem is the trigger then deal with this first. I found by putting my problems onto paper I could see and focus in what needs to be done first, that way i can help myself in a lot more manageable and realistic ways rather than going round in circles and being totally confused and anxious about what is happening to me.

I think the fact that he moving away is a brilliant thing for you but you need closure for yourself and understand that his behaviour is not your fault and is not an reflection of you at all.

big hugs

D

[Faerielight]

thanks safron.. theres no rape crisis in my town but i have rung helplines.. im over the rape it was the way the cops treated me that was so awful.. but thats over now so im bac to dealin with the complexity of the bereak up, plus rying to figure out how to getout of this pit oflonliness that is mostly hindered by my physical illnesses.. ill figure somethin out tho im sure. bless u hon for answering with so much support. hugs xx

[saffron]

my pleasure wish i could do more,

take care of you

D

[Faerielight]

thanks hon.. im so sick of this pain.. i miss him.. he broke my heart..and fucked my head up.

faerie x

[Rael]

you are such a beautiful person hun, and worth so much more than what he has done to you. i hope that in time you will be able to see that in yourself and be allowed by your mind to feel you can live your life again, you dont deserve this hurt

xxx

[Faerielight]

thanks rael.. thats so sweet x