Hello

[tess1768]

I am new to this site. Quite frankly, this is my last resort right now. I am one of many who are feeling the stress of being let go from their job plus, I am trying to cope with PTSD, depression and a severe case of anxiety right now. I cant afford treatment as I dont have a job, and to top it off, I cant talk to anyone about it as they just don't understand. I dont have many friends, very few friends to be exact, and have been estranged from my family for my entire life. So, in a nutshell, I am pretty much alone with my situation. So, any support or help would be great.

Thanks

MJ

[Tammy]

Similar to me then! I live in Va. Nice meeting you, you'll find lots of

support here.

[Roses]

Hi, I'm in England. Sorry to hear you are alone and not feeling very well. Try and do something nuce for yourself to cheer you up! Is your user name "Tess" after Tess of the D'Urbervilles? I love that book. I've got depression with anxiety too. You can get a herbal remedy called St Johns Wort. Make sure you ask health shop advice on dosage. Also you can get special lights for people who suffer with seasonal affective disorder and these can help depression any time of the year. Hope this helps.

[tess1768]

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I purchsed such a light and use it in my home office. I also opened my blinds to let the light in. I actually have a great home where I have sunlight in the am throughout my home. I face North-South.

I am taking Prozac but am going to get St Johns Wort. The Prozac really isn't much help. My depression, anxiety and overall stress is brought on by PTSD. At 52 you would think I was over my childhood issues! But, I am not. It got worse over the past 5 years after my grandmother passed away (she was my only support in my family) and then my dad passed away in 2006 10 days after my 50th birthday, of which my family refused to attend. I am struggling with memories and never having a father who treated me with kindness, let alone love.

So, you see, I am really in a struggle. Hopefully this site will help me see beyond my issues and into a brighter ray of sunshine!

Thanks for contacting me. Great advise. Sorry to say, my user name is not after Tess of the D'Urbervilles. It is after my last name, tessler. It is just a user name that I use online. I will get the book, though. I haven't read it.

Thanks again,

MJ

[Roses]

Hey there. Great minds think alike! Glad light box helping you. I don't think you are supposed to take prozac at same time as St Johns Wort so check with herbalist. Tess of the D'Urbervilles is by Thomas Hardy. It is a bit depressing though so please don't read it if you are feeling bad. It's a literary classic but not a good ending.

Sorry to hear about your losses. Don't think there is a time limit on when you should be able to cope by. Some of our pathes are just longer than others. Grief is a complex thing. It contributed to my problems last year. Don't put yourself under pressure to be 'well'. You are what you are. Do you have a partner who can support you? I'm here if you want to chat. If you want to talk just us two you can pm me. Just off to get kids so be back later on.

Sending you positive thoughts...

[tess1768]

I hope you haven't lost a job. This really sucks right now.

Thanks for your response. I will keep you in my thoughts.

MJ

[Lily-Bee]

Its important that you do not take the Prozac together with the St Johns worth. It can have severe side effects. Take one or the other, if you stop the Prozac might be good idea to slowly build it down and see a doc about this and then wait two weeks for it to be completely out of your blood and then you can start the St John Worth, I just know about this but dont take my word for it, ask your doc!!

Lilly

[tess1768]

Thanks. No, I am going to not take the prozac. I don't think it is helping. So just going to try St Johns Wort. I will try just about anything right now.

I will still read the book. I love to read and am always looking for a good book, sad or not.

I am rarely affected by books. Just people. I don't make friends easily. Trust issues. Seems I am let down a lot. I have refocused my sights and have decided that perhaps I am unrealistic. Funny, but it seems that there are more unhealthy relationships around me than healthy ones. I guess I need to go with the numbers!

We have two lab mix puppies that are 10 and 9 months old and an 11 year old Jack Russel. All girls. Now, if you look at the relationship between the two puppies and my 11 year old it is quite different than that of the two puppies. My 11 year old is dysfunctional as she never had a dog to share or play with around the house until she was 11. She is trying to direct the puppies in her favor of doing things. The two puppies have always had another puppy around so they are quite able to play well together, share, and of course are alway eager to try something new. They dont mind the older dog being a bit bossy as for some reason they are forgiving of her bad difficult behavior. Hence, the 11 year old is beginning to bond with the puppies! She is slowly letting down her guard.

I have to try and be more like the puppies if I want friends. I am so set in my need to guard my self that I don't let anyone close enough to bond. It is difficult when you never were able to trust anyone, then you went to trusting a pet, then a husband, then a child, and then another child. I even found bonding with children difficult. Gosh, I really have to learn about the bonding part, don't I!

Thanks for being there.

MJ

[tess1768]

Thanks Lilly

I haven't been on it long enough to have to tapper off of it. In fact I did taper off after two weeks of giving it a shot. Didn't work well. I am down to not taking it. I actually feel better off of it. I am depressed but not fixated on it as I was on the Prozac. Funny thing is I am not sure the drugs have any affect on my depression. They certainly don't stop the dreams that make me drepessed.

Thanks for the suggestion. My dr knows.

MJ

[Roses]

Hi, I'm back from the school run / dinner / washing up thing! Your dogs all sound lovely. I like dogs. I used to have a Samoyed called Pumba but that was a long time ago. We have a hamster now. If you are going to read that book make sure you have a box of tissues handy! Another Hardy classic is 'Far From The Madding Crowd'. Have you read that? I like reading but hardly get the time these days. There is a book discussion forum on here but I don't know which one they're talking about at the moment. One of my favourite books is 'Never Look Back' by Lesley Pearse. It's a really epic story of a poor person's rise to greatness from England to America and the slums of New York and then across America in the goldrush era. There's everything in that book.

Changing the subject a bit, I have trust issues but even though I don't trust people I leave myself wide open cos I'm desperately trying to connect with people. I have had to learn to be more guarded but at the same time that I can trust certain people. It's like I was treating everyone with the same level of trust be they close family or total strangers. Somewhere along the line my lines of who should be trusted and who shouldn't got all messed up. Think that's to do with abuse by a family member. It kind of screws up your reality. They are family yet they are doing this to me? I'm supposed to trust this person but I can't.. aaarrggghhh.... am a bit more sorted now though.

I didn't lose a job cos of this. I have and 8 year old boy and a 4 year old girl and when this last bout of depression started my girl was only 3 so I was at home. But I am now volunteering at their school and wanted to go back to college but I did one day at college and freaked. Spoke to my consultant and she said I shouldn't even think about going back to college for another year so the illness has cost me one potential of a job as you need this to get a paid job in schools.

I hope you are feeling a bit better talking to people on here. Hugs.

[tess1768]

Sounds as if you are pretty busy. I am in school myself. I decided to go for my PMP Certification. Somewhere along the line I forgot about me and focused on my husband, children, and anyone who needed help. Now, I am scared to death as I am focused on me. I felt after putting my two children and husband through college it was my turn to help myself. I plan on getting my Bachelors and Masters also. I didn't do it early on as I was far too messed up to help myself. It is something that I resent alot!

I envy you that your children are young and you are able to spend time with them. When my were little I was busy putting my husband through school. He stayed home and I worked. Didn't allow much time for school activities. I guess it was easier for me to escape into being outside the home.

I will try to read the books you listed. I could use a distraction right now.

Sounds like your trust issues were a bit different than mine. I shoved people far away, buried them in my mind so as not to have to deal with the pain of how they treated me. It didn't take much for a person like me to go avoid relationships. I am trying not to do that. My weakness is people who need help. Funny thing, no one was ever there for me. Even now. It came to me all of a sudden. I give and give and give but when I need help, everyone scatters! My last job drained all of my ability to help others out of me. They took and took and took. I finally realized that I had to move on. When they displaced me I didn't try to go back. It was too dysfunctional!

Thanks for speaking with me.

[Roses]

You don't need to thank me. It works both ways. Think we are both giving and taking in this conversation! Yes, sounds like we handled things differently but I really wish I had handled things more like you. Just staying away from people would've meant I got hurt a lot less. I studied childcare at college and guess I always got on with the little people better than the grown-up ones. Friends moan about toddler tantrums etc... but I think it's so much easier than adults. They cry cos they need something. We cry for so many reasons, it gets confusing!

Sounds like you had a tough time when your children were little. Are you still with your husband now? Don't feel sad that you think you missed out. Just put it to bed and move on. Spend time with them now. I spent most of last year in a very bad way and spent about 6 months of it in hospital and I missed my children terribly. It has taken me until now to get back some sense of self-worth.

Guess we all go through the finding out who our friends are thing. It hurts like hell but you can move on and make new friends who truly value you. I had to do this when we moved to this area about 5 years ago. Finally realised lots of my friends were just taking and not giving. I realised the work thing when I was preg with my first. A couple of years previous I had an early miscarriage and went back to work 2 days later (way too early), but I was loyal. When I got pregnant year later pregnancy was really hard and cos I couldn't do usual duties they stuck me on reception at the most uncomfortable desk with boring stuff to do and I was in a lot of pain (crutches and girdle). They didn't take care of me very well and guess I just realised that if you were to drop dead tomorrow they'd just hire someone else anyway. Did I mention I'm a pessimist :-)

With regards to college - just go for it! Good for you. I'm sure you'll do well.

[Rael]

hello and

sorry you lost your job, im currently at risk of losing mine and my partner already has lost his. its difficult i know. good that you are going back to school, i would have liked to continue on to a masters and phd but unfortunately money at the time did not allow that. spending time on you may feel weird but i wish you success with it.

reading is my escape most of the time too, im working through some old psychology books at the minute, current one is by Philip Zimbardo who did the Stamford prison experiment in the 70's. very interesting.

i hope that you find this place to be somewhere that you can come for help and support

xxx

[tess1768]

I totaly relate to wishing you could have handled things differently . What I have learned is I handled them as best as I could. Would not do anything differently as that would be pointless to think about.

I have been married to my current husband for 27 years. We became friends when I was leaving my first husband. He was a real abusive man. I lost 5 pregnancies with my first husband due to abuse and an eating disorder. My husband now helped me get through my seperation and all of the threats of my ex killing me! Boy he was a reall pistol

My current husband and I got married very soon after my divorce. We lost our daughter Elizabeth on Aug 12th, the first year of our marriage. It was very tragic. I nearly lost my mind. My mother went to the funeral home while I was in the hospital recovering from surgery. She told them she was the mother and took my daughter back to her home town which was 100 miles from where I lived. She actually put the casket in the backseat of her Fleetwood Cadilac and opened it up so that the baby could see the trip to her home. Mind you, I knew nothing of my parents going home or of them taking my daughter. When they released me I called the funeral home to find out what to do about her as my husband is Jewish. They told me that her mother picked her up. I was beside myself. I had to leave the hospital with 500 stitches and go back to our home where all of the baby items were ready for her. I had no-one but an emotional distraugt husband whose boss fired him an hour after they had taken our deceased daughter from my room. We nearly lost control that night. We had to pack and get out of there. The funeral was a mess, my mother accused me of being evil and deserving what happened to me. My sister did not come to the funeral or contact me for over 3 months and my in-laws did not come to the funeral and accused me of trying to kill them!. To say this was dysfunctional is minimizing my issues. I buried my daghter and went to the airport the next day to a warm place with my husband. We got to Florida and it just kept coming at me. His aunt, who never met me, slapped me for bringing my in-laws to the hospital to see their grandaughter who was dieing. I just couldnt cope. My sister had a baby 3 weeks later, a girl, and named her Joanna Elizabeth. No one called me to tell me about her for weeks.

It was situations like this all of my life that made me want to isolate myself. I really could write a best seller! The blessing was a year later my daughter Amie came on Aug 31st. She was beautifull. Then my son Rex came 4 years later on April 9th. I didn't try for any more. I felt blessed as Amie was my 7th pregnancy and Rex was my 8th. We never had the luxury of grandparents or aunts and uncles. My mother seldom remembers us on our birthdays or Christmas. Maybe 4 times in the past 26 years. She once told me that after she does for my sister and her daughter, who is her first born daughter and grandaughter, there is nothing left for us. We use to sit at my mothers house and watch them open expensive gifts for each other while we had nothing. My parents are wealthy and supported my sister and her daughter inlcuding my nieces education at a pricey college. We have struggled. Barely making it at times. I learned to never hope for anything or expect it. I am grateful when my husband and children tell me they love me. Without them I would not know love.

Oh, I have gone on too much. I should never have opened this door. But, it is weighing on my mind lately as another holiday is here and my sister and mother are spending thousands on each other. I can't even afford Christmas as I am paying two college tuitions and have no job with a housepayment. I am just holding on to faith right now and trying not to let them affect me.

Thanks for listening

[tess1768]

Thanks for the thoughts. I hope you don't lose your job. Try and hang in there. I will keep you in my thoughts.

MJ

[Roses]

Reading our post has really made me feel for you and I just want to give you a big hug right now. After all you've been through you are doing really well to be where you are. You have your husband, 2 children and now a chance at a further education. Keep your goals in your mind and go for it!

I really don't know how you have managed to maintain any sort of relationship with your mother. Reading what she's done I cannot understand how any woman could take anothers dead child away like that. Also, how come the funeral place let Elizabeth got to your mother without any ID?? I'd sue the ass off the funeral guys and get your mother arrested. Really, there's low and then there's that! I found the birth of my 2nd helped me get over losing my first, I guess you did a bit too. Was your mother controlling when you were growing up? Is she jealous of you or something?

My husband has cut off all contact with his sister cos she's been really nasty to me and is responsible for my latest decline into the depths of hell. It's taken him 15 years to realise what she's like (she's clever), but she finally slipped up and now, thankfully, she is not a factor anymore. When I was really poorly last year my hubbie called her in as my carer and she lived with us for 10 months. She tried to undermine just about everything I did. Bossed me about, shouted at me, told me I was stupid and selfish and much, much more. At one point the hospital were talking about putting me in a long term home sort of thing and I was considering becoming a part-ime Mum and living there but seeing kids on weekend. Everyone said this was a bad idea (even my doctor), but her response was "that's the first sensible thing I've heard you say". She wanted me out so she could take over as she thinks she is a better Mother than me. In reality she chainsmokes, drinks 8 lagers a night and her daughter of 17 has moved out as soon as she could to live with her boyfriend. We all have our vices but if you are going to preach to someone you should be whiter than white. "Let he who is without sin be the first to cast a rock" etc...

Sorry, I'm ranting. I look forward to your reply friend.

[tess1768]

I feel for you too. Your sister-in-law sounds a bit like my sister. I would swim the Atlantic Ocean, walk the face of the earth, anything to keep my sister from having influence over my children. I don't know why your husband decided she was an option. Perhaps he is blind to his family issues. Most are.

My mother sent me away to my grandmothers from the time I was 2 to 5. I spent just about every week there. My sister never came. She stayed behind with my mother. When I was 5 I spent nearly every weekend at my grandmothers as I had school so I had to be at home during the week. My sister abused me. She is only 10 1/2 months older than I am. She beat me, sexually abused me, would injure me and try to seriously harm me, and she would take anything new from me and destroy, trade, or sell it. I seldom got new anything and never had my own birthday. They celebrated hers with mine and she was always the center of it all.

My father beat me terribly. He exposed himself to me and I think he most likely sexually abused me which is why I think my mother would send me off to grandmas. My father could not control his anger with me. Some people bestow random acts of kindness, my father had random acts of violence toward me. He really hated me. He also shoplifted of which I was so humiliated with. He had no boundries.

My mother, sister, and niece claimed he was so wonderful. They said I lied about him. My father passed away two years ago. My sister had already moved into the house with them. She pays nothing but what she wants to take care of. The house is huge. My mother has money and lots of it. After dad died my sisters daughter moved in. They have spent well over 150,000 on updates and are not done yet. They drive new cars and have expensive clothes and purses. They eat very well. Want for nothing. Well, My sister showed herself two weeks ago by going off on my mother about the house being hers. My sister tells everyone it is her house and that she lets my mother live there. My sister was so upset that she started hitting my mother with groceries and let my mother know that she was a selfish woman. My mother was shocked. My sister had never as much as raised a hair at my mother for 53 years. She did anything she wanted for money. When my mother called me to tell me she finally admitted that she knew my sister abused me for years. So, you see, my mother really hates me for some reason. She tells me that I interfered with her marriage. That I flaunted myself around that house when I was a child.

My only saving grace was God. He was my Mother and my Father. Has been for 50 years. I use to pray that I was adopted. Sometimes tha abuse was so bad I could not bare it. Now, I just thank God that he never let me get so tied up in all of that where I believed what they said and did to me was deserved. They have abused me all of my life. Even into adulthood. I took the high road and stayed far away. Never let them alone with my children or visited often. Maybe once a year.

We have a lot in common and I thank your for being here for me. I dont know why you were ill but know this, you are a unique and special person.

[Irishman]

Hi Tess, just wanted to say hi and send a hug, have not read through all your posts yet, having trouble concentrating for long at the moment, but i will and get round to posting properly.

Take Care

Irish.

[tess1768]

Hello

I am Irish. My grandfather was a Lynch and I believe from O'Lynch Ireland. He had black hair though. Where are you from?

Thanks for writing. My concentration is messed up too. I am on my way to vitamin store for help!

Nice to hear from you

MJ

[Irishman]

I am from County Clare originally but travelled about quite a bit, i am stuck in England at the moment and cant wait to get home. I miss it loads.

Irish

[Roses]

Sorry didn't reply sooner Tess but had appointment with psyche yesterday and on a Tues evening have started attending self-harm support group. It was tough but I think it'll help. Thanks for saying I'm special it really helps me to feel good about myself. You are special too. I can't believe how strong you are to come through this with your faith intact after all you were subjected to. I have a whole lot of respect for you. I was abused by my family but not to the extent you were although it was physical and sexual.

My husband's grandad was Irish. He was a Donnelly. He was brought up a strict Irish Roman-Catholic.

I find it very upsetting to think that your Mother put your sister's needs before yours. I guess we are so used to males being the abusers that it is shocking to think that a Mother could act that way towards her own child. I'm surprised you are talking to any of your family at all and like I said before they should be made to be held accountable for their actions as it is so wrong. How come after all this time your sis has turned on your Mother?

Yeah hubbie was blind to his sister but is not now so that's the main thing. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the past and mistakes he made but we have made a pact to move on and it is working and we are really close and I'm really happy with him now so hopefully I have a good base to build the rest of my life on.

I am feeling a little brighter today, how are you?

[tess1768]

Ok, I don't want to sound like I am preaching but I reall think you are special. It took someone telling me over and over again before I believed it. You need to believe it. I don't let a day go by that I don't let myself know that I am loved and special. You must do the same.

I am glad you hubby is understanding. Mine took years before he understood about my family and his. I guess we just have to understand that some people are slow at seeing the problem.

I hope you are past the hurting yourself stage. Your children are too important to you to do such a thing. You are too important. I will pray for you.

How is your relationship with your family?

MJ

[Roses]

Thank you for thinking I am special. it does help and thanks for praying for me. I fell out with God and am finding it hard to accept him back into my life. As a child I did Sunday School and was in choir for years and really enjoyed it but over the years my faith has dwindled into nothing and although I am involved with a local Church (give minister piano lessons and help at art group) I am not attending so I appreciate you praying for me when I cannot.

Unfortunately I am still s-harming. I either starve myself or cut myself ant at the moment is the latter as weight is stable. I'm getting help though so I'm hoping I can kick this!

My family are very supportive but my Dad moans about Mum all the time and my Mum is caring but so blunt that it hurts. The other day she came on the phone and just said "so how's the lithium then"? I instantly recoil. It makes me feel sad and guilty cos I know it is just her way but I wish she respected me enough to sugar-coat things a bit. My hubbie told her off when she was up and told her not to talk to me about the sharm and she didn't like that. We used to be really close and talk about everything but over the years as I grew up and had my own kids I realised she is just so bossy and in your face that it really upsets me all the time and now I hardly speak to her. I'm now going to be limiting time spent talking to Dad too as he does just moan about Mum all the time. I dont need it right now. I want to suport him but I just not well enough.

Anyway, how are you today? Feeling any better at all?

[tess1768]

I truly understand. Have almost gotten to the cutting point. My children are the only thing the kept me from doing it. I wouldnt want them to do it so I stopped myself. The eating part I have been through. Not for a while though. The turning point for me was distancing myself from family and being in control of when they come around and what influence they have.

My mother just called me. I let it go to voice mail and then I listen after she leaves her message. Sometimes I call back and other times I just delete the message and move on. I control the communciation and believe me, I stopped letteing her hurt me. I had to look at it as self help. Of course, she looks at it as though I have abandoned her.

I will pray for you. My daughters middle name is Rose. Her full name is Amie Rose Francine. It means Friend Beautiful Friend. You are Beautiful!

MJ

[Marchmadness]

Hey -

Wanted to say welcome to the forum. I see you are going to be taking the

St. Johns, there are other vitamins out there that also will help increase your

energy and lift your mood. Have you tried to do any walking, excerise is

suppose to increase you mood also. Yeah I know not many of us like to

do excerise, myself included, it does help tho. Talk to you soon.

Marchmadness