Hello Im New With Borderline Boyfriend !

[jean 12]

Hi I'm New to this site, I've just found out that my boyfriend of 6 months has BPD. i have read quite a lot about it over the last few weeks, but I know I've got a lot of questions that I can't find answers too. Things are not great at the moment, and I feel very deflated about the way he has recently started to treat me ( withdrawn all talk of love, infact now says he doesn't love me!) But still wants to have sex, but is very cold about it, which is making me feel terrible! I will come back and post on here when I am feeeling in a slightly more positive mood!

[Paris]

hi and welcome, does your partner have a therapist he is able to talk to about this? have you ever thought of couples counselling?

paris

[jean 12]

hi and welcome, does your partner have a therapist he is able to talk to about this? have you ever thought of couples counselling?

paris

Hi Thanks for replying ! Well my partner is a Mental Health Professional, and I did try to talk to him about treatment options, and he just said " Nothing works ", though he did say that he has never actually tried anything! Though he did take antidepressants 18 months ago when he was suicidal. He has now told me that he does not welcome me trying to talk about treatment options to him! He has told me that at the moment he has decided that he cant cope with a relationship, but still texts me everyday, and wants to see me to have sex! Its not making me feel great about myself at the moment , so I need to pull myself back up a bit first, and try to figure out whats going on! We don't live togehter, and until all this kicked off about six weeks ago ( because of something I said that caused a trigger! I didn't really suspect that anything was wrong before that. He was diagnosed when he was 14 years old. But I think from what I know of him ( and what I've read) he is a quiet borderline, seems to internalise everything, has never lost his temper with me, or critisised me, and he is also a high achiever profesionally. Before he started to talk to me again, he had completely withdrew from me for 4 weeks, refusing all my calls, texts, emails etc. When he finally decided to see me he told me all about his BPD! He said that only his parents and his ex wife know, he has managed to keep it from everybody else in his life! ( He is 40) He said he has spent his whole life feeeling, lonley, scared, guilty, sad and worthless! He says he never feels connected to anybody ( though he's done a pretty good job of making me feel he has been connected to me!)

[Rael]

hi and

bpd can make communication very difficult, but with the help of a good counselor and sometimes medication, hopefully he will be able to improve and things will get better for you both.

its great that you are trying to support him and find out about bpd, any questions you have then ask away.

take care

xxx

[jean 12]

hi and

bpd can make communication very difficult, but with the help of a good counselor and sometimes medication, hopefully he will be able to improve and things will get better for you both.

its great that you are trying to support him and find out about bpd, any questions you have then ask away.

take care

xxx

[jean 12]

hi and

bpd can make communication very difficult, but with the help of a good counselor and sometimes medication, hopefully he will be able to improve and things will get better for you both.

its great that you are trying to support him and find out about bpd, any questions you have then ask away.

take care

xxx

Well it looks like I've done it again! We were speaking again and going to get together on Monday for dinner, He has been with his kids over the weekend, I texted him ( while he was with his kids) which has been fine before, but it seems that it is not okay anymore, he gave an angry reply and yes now we have returned to the silent treatment! He's very good at that, keeps it going for weeks! Doesn't get angry or rant, just goes silent. This is impossible to deal with. I don't know how to handle it, do I keep trying to make contact? or do I just leave him to it. I never suspected that textin him would upset him! How could I. I think he's feeling guilty about having a relationship, he doesnt believe he should be happy when he's not with his kids, feels that is betraying them. Oh what oh what do I do now!! Please any advice welcome!

[I hate user names]

In my experiences with it..I like when I just know that me not talking to someone doesn't mean they don't think about me. I push A LOT of people away a lot. I was just recently diagnosed but I have been like this for a while. I wouldn't say text him and bug him constantly..but I would just text and say that you are thinking of him and missing him..but you are willing to give him the space he is trying to get but only to respect him but you will never stop thinking about him or loving him..i always want to know at lease someone loves me despite the pain i put them through with my weird push aways..and sometimes i push people away to see if they will fight to keep me in their lives or just move on like i was nothing. I don't know him personally..so I would say bug him..i like when that happens but just say you respect his space but you love him and constantly thinking of him and hoping he will talk to you very soon.

I don't know how much sense that made..you caught me on one of my push away moods and im just speaking out of what i want to have happen so i dont know how it came off or if it was very confusing. i hope it helped a little though.

[jean 12]

In my experiences with it..I like when I just know that me not talking to someone doesn't mean they don't think about me. I push A LOT of people away a lot. I was just recently diagnosed but I have been like this for a while. I wouldn't say text him and bug him constantly..but I would just text and say that you are thinking of him and missing him..but you are willing to give him the space he is trying to get but only to respect him but you will never stop thinking about him or loving him..i always want to know at lease someone loves me despite the pain i put them through with my weird push aways..and sometimes i push people away to see if they will fight to keep me in their lives or just move on like i was nothing. I don't know him personally..so I would say bug him..i like when that happens but just say you respect his space but you love him and constantly thinking of him and hoping he will talk to you very soon.

I don't know how much sense that made..you caught me on one of my push away moods and im just speaking out of what i want to have happen so i dont know how it came off or if it was very confusing. i hope it helped a little though.

Thank you for your advice, I have sent him a text stating the things you are suggesting. One of my big problems i that he's telling me that he doesn't love me at the moment. Is that part of pushing me away? Or maybe he really doesnt love me? His exact words were..... I tried to love you. I even thought I did, but I've realised that I don't. He still wants to have sex though! I need to decide if this is part of BPD or maybe this man just doesn't love me! Tough one hey.... any ideas

[I hate user names]

That is tough. I mean I am in love and even though i can't be with that person I still tell them daily i love them more than anything. I know I have never told them i dont love them..my love for them is so intense that thinking of saying that makes me upset...but its also been a while almost a year and everything between us happened so fast...and the fact i am a girl may have something to do with it, and i am very senstive to emotions..I don't know any guys who have this in all honesty i dont know anyone else who has this..i do get very 'don't talk to me' when i push everyone away..and to some people i will say i hate them or think it and make myself believe it because i am terrified of being left...most people with bpd are terrified of being abandoned...maybe thats why he is doing it..he really does love you but is terrified of that so he is convincing himself he doesnt love you to save himself from the imagined pain he will feel when you leave him so leaving you is less painful(not saying you are going to leave him thats why i said imagined just in his mind he thinks you will) i guess because he has control? these are TOTAL guesses just throwing out the possible in a way 'positive' outcomes. I said positive cuz you can prove to him you wont leave him so he will feel more comforable with the relationship.

[Rael]

the above advice makes a lot of sense, i have told my b/f im not sure if i love him before. tbh i get confused, sometimes i think i have set standards that noone could possibly achieve, and when i dont see that happening i feel that they dont love me enough, and so i push away before i can get hurt. i think deep down i know i love him, but the fear of being left is so great that sometimes i need to test things. it never comes out how i mean it too and i dont usually know im doing it. i have got better recently but it took a long time for me to see what i was doing.

i guess i wanted to say that him saying that doesnt mean he doesnt love you, he could be confused, or scared and pushing you away. him saying 'tried to love you' could mean that he himself is unsure what love should be, i have trouble often working out which emotions are which, they kind of get all tangled up. it doesnt mean he doesnt love you just that he needs some time to work out in his own mind what the feelings are, to separate them out.

i would have said the same thing about the text so i hope it goes well, too much and it seems pushy and nothing and it seems like abandonment. i think what was said to put in the text covers it and i hope it works out for you.

xxx

[jean 12]

the above advice makes a lot of sense, i have told my b/f im not sure if i love him before. tbh i get confused, sometimes i think i have set standards that noone could possibly achieve, and when i dont see that happening i feel that they dont love me enough, and so i push away before i can get hurt. i think deep down i know i love him, but the fear of being left is so great that sometimes i need to test things. it never comes out how i mean it too and i dont usually know im doing it. i have got better recently but it took a long time for me to see what i was doing.

i guess i wanted to say that him saying that doesnt mean he doesnt love you, he could be confused, or scared and pushing you away. him saying 'tried to love you' could mean that he himself is unsure what love should be, i have trouble often working out which emotions are which, they kind of get all tangled up. it doesnt mean he doesnt love you just that he needs some time to work out in his own mind what the feelings are, to separate them out.

i would have said the same thing about the text so i hope it goes well, too much and it seems pushy and nothing and it seems like abandonment. i think what was said to put in the text covers it and i hope it works out for you.

xxx

Hi Thanks for everybodys help and advice. I did send the text, and I did get a reply, this is what it said....I am so sorry i don,t love you. I would like to but I don't. Having contact with you is bad for both of us....... I'm afraid you can't get any clearer than that! I'ts a case of no love! It is strange because we were so in love. Maybe he has met somebody else, Maybe the intensity of the last six months wasn't love ( though he told me he loved me all the time) but this is pretty clear, I guess I just leave him alone now.

[Rael]

im really sorry that it has turned out this way. i cant say how real the feelings before were from his side but i still think there could be an element of either fear or confusion. even so it sounds like there would be an awful lot of difficulty working on things. i hope that you are able to get past this because you are obviously a very caring person, prepared to support him and help him as soon as you knew about things. you deserve someone who will be there for you and take care of you too.

take care

xxx

[jean 12]

im really sorry that it has turned out this way. i cant say how real the feelings before were from his side but i still think there could be an element of either fear or confusion. even so it sounds like there would be an awful lot of difficulty working on things. i hope that you are able to get past this because you are obviously a very caring person, prepared to support him and help him as soon as you knew about things. you deserve someone who will be there for you and take care of you too.

take care

xxx

Hi havent posted for a while now. Haven't spoken to my now ex-boyfriend for two weeks now. He wont return my texts and emails. I'm so down and miss him so much. He wouldnt even respond when I wished him happy Christmas. I know I need to get over it, but I just can't understand the completely shutting out behaviour. I've had a miserable Christmas, would like to stay friends as I miss him so much, but he won't have anything to do with me....don't know why!

[daisy duck]

Hi I'm New to this site, I've just found out that my boyfriend of 6 months has BPD. i have read quite a lot about it over the last few weeks, but I know I've got a lot of questions that I can't find answers too. Things are not great at the moment, and I feel very deflated about the way he has recently started to treat me ( withdrawn all talk of love, infact now says he doesn't love me!) But still wants to have sex, but is very cold about it, which is making me feel terrible! I will come back and post on here when I am feeeling in a slightly more positive mood!

hi im daisy duck...welcome!he is prob pushin you away as you are close to him...i do that myself.Reassure him but tell him how you are feeling,be honest.

Dont be dragged down or treated badly tho,you deserve respect regardless of his illness

xxx

[Rael]

sounds like he is in denial mode and pushing away as hard as he can. it could be that he is trying to protect himself and will come round eventually or it could be that he has decided for whatever reason that this is it. i cant really know which he is thinking but all i can think you can do is let him know you want to stay friends at least and not push and push cos that could just send him further away. you need to be taking care of yourself here more than anything.

xxx

[foreverhopeful]

hi im new here too and in exactly the same situation, i can relate to everything you said about your bf. i cant just walk away from mine, we have been together nearly 6 years and i live in hope. good luck and i wish you well xx

[jean 12]

hi im new here too and in exactly the same situation, i can relate to everything you said about your bf. i cant just walk away from mine, we have been together nearly 6 years and i live in hope. good luck and i wish you well xx

Just thought I would update my situation as I'm still in a state of confusion. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other on and off again over the last few months, one minute he just wants to be friends, the next he wants to sleep with me, then doesn't speak to me for about a week, and it goes on.... two weeks ago he told me (face to face) that he didn't want to be friends, lovers, boyfriend...anything anymore...and he didnt want me to contact him ever again......as I was driving home I was thinking okay at least I know where I am now....I will get on with my life...within an hour he started texting me saying he needed to tell me what a lovely person I was, what amazing , intelligent company..that I was funny, talented etc. etc. so I've seen him a few times since, now he's all distant again, not replying to texts and not answering the phone... I really don't know where I am. Or what to do. Does he like me or not?

[Rael]

it must be so hard not knowing where you stand with him, and its not fair on you to be going through this. you do have to take care of your needs first and if he cant make up his mind then he may not be the best person to be around, as a boyfriend at least. he needs to work out what he wants, he may be hurting and thats not helping his behaviour but its no excuse to be making you feel this way too. when he is being ok with you does he ever try to explain the contradictions in his behaviour?

i hope that the situation improves and thank you for the update

xxx

[jean 12]

it must be so hard not knowing where you stand with him, and its not fair on you to be going through this. you do have to take care of your needs first and if he cant make up his mind then he may not be the best person to be around, as a boyfriend at least. he needs to work out what he wants, he may be hurting and thats not helping his behaviour but its no excuse to be making you feel this way too. when he is being ok with you does he ever try to explain the contradictions in his behaviour?

i hope that the situation improves and thank you for the update

xxx

No when he's feeling okay he doesn't want to talk about it, and im too scared to bring it up. I think I have to start seeing him outside of his bpd again. What I mean is I can be very understanding, but I dont want to be abused. I think he needs to have a certain amount of respect for me and I feel I am making too many excuses for him because of BPD. I'm not saying he isnt havent a very difficult time, just that I still deserve not to be messed around too much. I feel that he pushes away like hell, if he thinks I'm going he pulls back for a day or two, then starts pushing again. I try to reassure him, tell him I understand when he doesn't feel like speaking to me, but to be honest I feel like he doesn't want me, but wants me to want him.

[Rael]

sounds like a good plan, from what you have said you are very understanding about things and no matter how much pain someone is in others do have to protect and look after themselves too and im glad you are thinking of doing this. i do hope that he is able to sort things out and that it works out for you both.

xxx

[buddah]

not to be overly dismissive... and to be honest i didnt read everything that has been written so far...im tired..and there's alot there. but i got the jist...

personally i have never been able to properly hold down a relationship. once for a couple of years - but it was messed up (she was BPD/clinical depression/etc...) and i...well i was me. (not good at the best of times.)

thats the nature of BPD. almost nothing helps. and even the stuff that does, doesnt help many people. relationships with someone who suffers from BPD in most cases will be complex, volatile and often dangerous. mood swings and changes of self image or the way that we see others are frequent. i have no doubt that you already know this. but if i had to offer any advice...

if you expect a kick in the balls, and you get a punch in the face, your doing allright.

you know what i mean?

good luck.

[Positive1]

hi im new here too and in exactly the same situation, i can relate to everything you said about your bf. i cant just walk away from mine, we have been together nearly 6 years and i live in hope. good luck and i wish you well xx

Just thought I would update my situation as I'm still in a state of confusion. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other on and off again over the last few months, one minute he just wants to be friends, the next he wants to sleep with me, then doesn't speak to me for about a week, and it goes on.... two weeks ago he told me (face to face) that he didn't want to be friends, lovers, boyfriend...anything anymore...and he didnt want me to contact him ever again......as I was driving home I was thinking okay at least I know where I am now....I will get on with my life...within an hour he started texting me saying he needed to tell me what a lovely person I was, what amazing , intelligent company..that I was funny, talented etc. etc. so I've seen him a few times since, now he's all distant again, not replying to texts and not answering the phone... I really don't know where I am. Or what to do. Does he like me or not?

[jean 12]

hi im new here too and in exactly the same situation, i can relate to everything you said about your bf. i cant just walk away from mine, we have been together nearly 6 years and i live in hope. good luck and i wish you well xx

Just thought I would update my situation as I'm still in a state of confusion. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other on and off again over the last few months, one minute he just wants to be friends, the next he wants to sleep with me, then doesn't speak to me for about a week, and it goes on.... two weeks ago he told me (face to face) that he didn't want to be friends, lovers, boyfriend...anything anymore...and he didnt want me to contact him ever again......as I was driving home I was thinking okay at least I know where I am now....I will get on with my life...within an hour he started texting me saying he needed to tell me what a lovely person I was, what amazing , intelligent company..that I was funny, talented etc. etc. so I've seen him a few times since, now he's all distant again, not replying to texts and not answering the phone... I really don't know where I am. Or what to do. Does he like me or not?

Things have got a bit better! I thought very hard about our situation and how I would like things to be. I told my boyfriend that whilst I was happy to have an "undefined relationship" and that I understood that it wasn't going to be easy, and that I loved him very much, I told him that I wasn't happy only seeing him occasionally for sex, never going out or doing anything together, and wasnt happy that he chose not to reply to the majority of my texts and emails. I said that I understood that his feelings towards me fluctuated, and that I also understood that he might not actually know what he wants himself. I asked him to think about what he wanted because I wasnt prepared to continue as things were ( which is true, because I am not!) Since then, he has been much better, texting me, going out to dinner, and generally being much nicer. He hasn't actually discussed things with me, and I know he finds it very hard to talk about emotional stuff. He has also been honest when he hasn't felt like seeing me or speaking to me, and has tried to explain why instead of making up an excuse. I'm not sure how long this will last for, but I appreciate that he is being more honest, and making more effort. It at least makes me feel that deep down inside he does care about me, even if he tries to push me away ( very hard sometimes).It has made me realise that I do need to think about myself as well, and not ignore my own needs and what I want from the relationship, after all in order to be there for him, I need to be happy with myself! I do know that things are not going to be easy, and that they will not always stay the same, but I am encouraged to at least see that he does care!

x

[Rael]

im glad that things are improving and if he is being honest about how things are and trying to explain then thats definitely better, for both of you. hopefully he will realize that you are not going to do a runner if anything tough comes up and if he feels he can be honest and talk to you (however little for now) then he will hopefully become more secure and not feel the need to push away so much.

xxx

[jean 12]

im glad that things are improving and if he is being honest about how things are and trying to explain then thats definitely better, for both of you. hopefully he will realize that you are not going to do a runner if anything tough comes up and if he feels he can be honest and talk to you (however little for now) then he will hopefully become more secure and not feel the need to push away so much.

xxx

Thank you for your support Rael, You have really been there, and I have noticed that you take the time and trouble to answer most peoples posts, I really appreciate it, you are a lovley person

x