Hello Im New With Borderline Boyfriend !

[jean 12]

im glad that things are improving and if he is being honest about how things are and trying to explain then thats definitely better, for both of you. hopefully he will realize that you are not going to do a runner if anything tough comes up and if he feels he can be honest and talk to you (however little for now) then he will hopefully become more secure and not feel the need to push away so much.

xxx

Thank you for your support Rael, You have really been there, and I have noticed that you take the time and trouble to answer most peoples posts, I really appreciate it, you are a lovley person

x

Can anybody offer advice, I am at a loss ! My boyfriend really has been trying to commnicate a lot more with me, however he has cancellrd the last three dates that we were supposed to have ( at the last minute) He says he is feeling really ill, anxious and aggitated. He told me yesterday that he spends all of his time feeling scared, guilty or both at the same time! This is stopping him seeing me, he is divorced, and feels terribly guilty about loving anybody but his kids! We have talked about this before, he knows that by right he should be able to have a life of his own , but he doesn't think he deserves it, so every time he's supposed to see me he is overcome with guilt and anxiety, and pulls out! He has told me he loves me, and wants to be with me, but I don't know how to get past this problem. He won't go for councilling, I've even tried to get him to come on this chat room, but he wont! I have told him I love him and that I hope he can find a way to spend some time with me that doesn't make him feel so bad, but I don't know how to get past this problem, because I think this is what is causing all of the major problems for us! Any ideas welcome, or anybody who can understand how he feels ( and can help me to understand a little better) would be welcome!

x

[Ocean Wolf]

I can understand the feelings of (undeserved) guilt and feeling undeserving. Unfortunately, I think that's something he's going to have to work out for himself. Encouragement does help. It sucks that he's refusing counselling. I found that dialectic behavior therapy helped me a lot. I didn't get there until I hit rock bottom though. Hopefully, he'll realize he needs help before that point.

Remember to take care of yourself and stand up for what you need too.

[Rael]

that sounds so difficult but its not uncommon for people to maintain they wont have therapy until it all gets too much and then they concede. i do think it would help him work through things, has he said why he is refusing to go? it must be confusing for him to not know what to and how to make things work but he needs to realize for himself that he should seek help. i know it must be hard for you and it is good that he is still opening up to you about how he feels but you are not in an easy position to help him from. he does need to accept that a professional would be his best bet for getting through this. pushing him probably wont work as you know, i know it must be hard trying to help him and not knowing how but the main thing really is to take care of yourself. the situation is bound to take its toll but he is the only one who can do anything.

xxx

[jean 12]

that sounds so difficult but its not uncommon for people to maintain they wont have therapy until it all gets too much and then they concede. i do think it would help him work through things, has he said why he is refusing to go? it must be confusing for him to not know what to and how to make things work but he needs to realize for himself that he should seek help. i know it must be hard for you and it is good that he is still opening up to you about how he feels but you are not in an easy position to help him from. he does need to accept that a professional would be his best bet for getting through this. pushing him probably wont work as you know, i know it must be hard trying to help him and not knowing how but the main thing really is to take care of yourself. the situation is bound to take its toll but he is the only one who can do anything.

xxx

Thank you every body for your responses and advice. The reason he wont have therapy, is he is a mental health professional, and he doesnt believe that it works!!!!!!!

[Ocean Wolf]

What kind of mental health proffesional is he? What does he specialize in? More to the point, is there a kind of therapy he does not know much about and would not be able to know if it would work or not?

I went through years of basically the same stuff over and over and it only made me worse. I remember I started thinking nothing would work when in reality, I hadn't tried everything yet.

[jean 12]

that sounds so difficult but its not uncommon for people to maintain they wont have therapy until it all gets too much and then they concede. i do think it would help him work through things, has he said why he is refusing to go? it must be confusing for him to not know what to and how to make things work but he needs to realize for himself that he should seek help. i know it must be hard for you and it is good that he is still opening up to you about how he feels but you are not in an easy position to help him from. he does need to accept that a professional would be his best bet for getting through this. pushing him probably wont work as you know, i know it must be hard trying to help him and not knowing how but the main thing really is to take care of yourself. the situation is bound to take its toll but he is the only one who can do anything.

xxx

Hi I haven't posted for a while, as things have been going so good! I'm not sure if I should post here again to carry on this thread ! or post somewhere else now. I also don't want to appear to only post when I have a problem, I do try to help other people if I feel I have anything relevant or helpful to say !

Well I've hit a crisis again, and just want help trying to understand his behaviour!

A couple of weeks ago I could feel that my bf ( borderline)was withdrawing a bit again, so I ( non borderline)thought I would go and give him a suprise visit, as I hadn't seen him for about 10 days. I called in at the supermarket near his house and saw him getting out of the car with a woman ( this sounds like its going to be the problem, but it actually isnt !) When he saw me he just said " what on earth are you doing here, I am busy " He then introduced the woman to me, a collegue. that i've heard all about, they have been friends for years, and she said hello, but he didnt introduce me back, and again said I am busy can you leave". I got into my car, feeling very humiliated, then decided to go into the supermarket to talk about it. He was in an aisle on his own, so I told him that asking me to go away and not introducing me had made me feel humiliated, and he again said he was busy and I should go home. The woman came back we exchanged a few words and I left. I am not suspicious of this woman, but was very upset that he could treat me like that. So unfortunately when I got back in the car I texted to say that I thought he was horrible and felt very humiliated. And that was it, he hasnt spoken to me or replied to any of my texts for two weeks now! I am cut out again. I don't really feel that I did anything wrong ( except to say that he was horrible, and I have appologised for that). I want to understand why he reacted like this? Was it to do with seeing me unexpectedly out of context? Or two worlds meeting? Was it to do with not having control over us meeting? Or is it just because I said he was horrible? I have been beating myself up about this, when I feel that I should be the one who is hurt! And as for cutting me completely out of his life again! Is there nothing I can say to get back in.........He wont discuss anything............. Will he always do this to such extremes, everytime anything happens ? And never discuss anything with me?..help .depressed...love him ( but not always his behaviour) don't know what to do!