"freefall" By Tom Read

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo

I think recently I made some important discoveries for myself, reading "Freefall" by Tom Read. Read was in the SAS, he was a Red Devil Skydiver with many thousands of jumps. He planned to beat the world freefall record ("the skydive from space"). All in all, he was the kind of guy that most men would think of as having it all.

He could handle SAs selection. He had been through terrifying events and maintained his sense of humour. He had witnessed grotesque deaths again and again - you could almost say that it followed him around. He was much loved by his friends, and the ladies. He got what he wanted, in a good way.

Yet suddenly, he decided that his girlfriend was evil, and she had to die. He stabbed her, convinced she was part of some plot to do something evil. In his 30's he descended into psychosis, whilst simultaneously trying to maintain the front he always had - strong, dependable, a protector. Increasngly though, he knew it was just a front. The pain and depression had become a permanent feature of his life. Suddenly a man that could parachute into enemy territory or face death at the hands of the IRA, coud not even walk round the corner. At the time he blamed this on the drugs he was being given - antipsychotics and mood stabilisers to control his psychosis. However, even off the drugs he found it was a constant companion. Why had he ended up like this?

The book follows his struggle to identify why he fell into psychosis. He retelles every event, the deaths and losses of people very close to him racking up and up. What struck me each time was the way that he never registered emotion such as horror, or fear. It was always the loss of a friend - but the sense that it WAS HIS FAULT. The world of pain, blood and loss that formed around him, he seemed to blame on himself.

He would rarely talk of his family. In the book we get some idea of his past. When he was young, he made a mound of earth out the back of the house under his bedroom window. This was so that he could jump down from there to escape his alcoholic fathers rages, his sudden booze fuelled swings into rage that terrified him. He would talk about how, when he fell into the worst times, his mum would say "oh you know I would be there if I could, but I have to be here for your father". He had to always hide his emotions from her. He had to prtect her - like evryone else in his life.

As an SAS soldier, he knew he could rely on his own skill in defneding himself - it was a source if great pride. But all the way through the book there is the sense that he is crying out for someone to protect HIM. He never asks for it, at least, not in as far as he wants to be protected from the horror he is witnessing. It takes the form of being looked after - cooked for, sat with, held. A fundamental nurturance that he gets from the women and friends that criss cross the path of his life. But what he never touches - because he himself admits that he cannot - is the reality of what the horrors have done to him - starting with the horror of his home life, and the constant danger he felt. All along he refuses to even look at the past - although in the patients he meets he is able to recognise how the traumas of others precede their own descent into psychosis. Its as though he can see very clearly into the hearts of people, and indeed knows exactly what they need - but is singularly unable to look into the vault of his own heart or to let others do it for him.

What struck me was that this man had everything I have always felt I lacked, and that - if only I could get them, I would be better. In fact he has all those things I crave in spades, yet still he could not pull himself out of mental illness. And thats how he saw it - to PULL HIMSELF out of it, to be better FOR others, to be what was expected. Never did he realise what was missing - safety, protection, validation and acceptance of his feelings. He never makes snse of the suffering and deat he has seen, or the treatment he received. In its place, and seemngly in some drastic attempt to apply meaning to his life., he instead fell into psychosis, a psychosis that - as I read it - seemed to be SCREAMING OUT about his past. Instead what he got was drugs, and a path of self understanding that was sadly driven by his own psychosis. He never gained a true emotional understanding of the events that lead up to his illness, the final trigger being the loss and decapitation of a good friend in an aviation accident.

The story made me realise that I am striving for this image of something that I belive will make me perfect, and make me happy. This 'real man', who gets the girls, has all the mates and prestige and can handle anything. He had all that, yet still the basic lack of provision for his emotional needs, added to the trauma he experienced again and again, was not cured by the presence of such status and recognition as is visited on members of the SAS abd attempters of the impossible.

At he end of the book, he still has not faced his past, the events of recent history or the emotional holes in his life. He decides he will never know, despite leaving the greatest stones unturned, and decides that the healthiest thing to do is to accept what you cannot change. By the end of the book he is uncertain, but looking forward to a life of happiness and normality - just like he used to be. Its a strong ending, and it seems that Read's humanity, common sense and down to earth approach might save him, absent any need to look at the past or understand what emotionally was missing for him, what expectations he had internalised, leaving him barren in ways that were invisible to him. But perhaps that kind of exploration is unimportant? After all, he seemed to cope well. He seemed to make good enough behavioural choices as to still be considered SAS material. He 'functioned' well. Mental health teams, and psychiatrists, were impressed.

I read on the internet that a few years later, Read (real name "Nish" Bruce) was in a plane, being piloted by a female friend. Mid way through the flight, he opened the aircraft door and jumped out, without a parachute. No one even realised anything was wrong - he kept the mask on til the end.

[rain]

Sorry, sweetheart, can't be bothered to read all that bulky text right now. I'm sure it's something good and purposeful... just can't do it now x

[hummm_mabbe]

Sorry, sweetheart, can't be bothered to read all that bulky text right now. I'm sure it's something good and purposeful... just can't do it now x

Lol

Up yours too

<_<

[rain]

Wow, I see a lot of unresolved anger issues here....

Nah, I must spare my eyes. I'm a slow reader too. Maybe get into the 'less is more' concept a little, or get a speed course in summarizing? Eh? Hehe. I'll read it.... sometime. Promise (where's the angelic smilie?).

Be good, and nice for Santa and that.

[hummm_mabbe]

Wow, I see a lot of unresolved anger issues here....

Nah, I must spare my eyes. I'm a slow reader too. Maybe get into the 'less is more' concept a little, or get a speed course in summarizing? Eh? Hehe. I'll read it.... sometime. Promise (where's the angelic smilie?).

Be good, and nice for Santa and that.

I fancied a waffle, and it clarfied for me what I got out of it. Selfish really. I feel good about it though

I will try to produce the pamphlet version some other time ....

Mabbe rwad the book, tis quite exciting and even made me cry a bit, yeh like REAL emotions and that

[rain]

Wouldn't know what it's about, lovey. I think I want to read Evil Genes soon though (Full title --> Evil Genes: Why Rome Fell, Hitler Rose, Enron Failed and My Sister Stole My Mother’s Boyfriend)

Evil Genes blends gripping family history with rigorous research to put a human and scientific face to evil. Starting with psychology, Oakley uses cutting-edge images of the working brain to provide startling support for the idea that “evil” people act the way they do mainly as the result of a dysfunction. In fact, some deceitful, manipulative, and even sadistic behavior appears to be programmed genetically—suggesting that some people really are born to be bad. But there are unexpected fringe benefits to “evil genes.” We may not like them, but we literally can't live without them.

Yay.

[hummm_mabbe]

Wouldn't know what it's about, lovey. I think I want to read Evil Genes soon though (Full title --> Evil Genes: Why Rome Fell, Hitler Rose, Enron Failed and My Sister Stole My Mother’s Boyfriend)

Evil Genes blends gripping family history with rigorous research to put a human and scientific face to evil. Starting with psychology, Oakley uses cutting-edge images of the working brain to provide startling support for the idea that “evil” people act the way they do mainly as the result of a dysfunction. In fact, some deceitful, manipulative, and even sadistic behavior appears to be programmed genetically—suggesting that some people really are born to be bad. But there are unexpected fringe benefits to “evil genes.” We may not like them, but we literally can't live without them.

Yay.

I can see why you are liking the DBT right now - it feels like you are trying as hard as possible to avoid feeling anything. The DBT lets you be rational - instead of feeling, you can just put emotion down to overgenersalisation, black and white thinking or thought distortions. Being left to cry before anyone talks to you seems to fit that mold too.

Shutting out emotions works for a while, and DBT might get you functioning better, but I cant help but feel lately that this sudden interest in the rational and intolerance of the overly emotional comes from a fear of feeling, perhaps because you are terrfied of what might be there.

Perhaps its good to be untouchable for a while though? Its how I always used to cope, except my feelings leaked through. Anger, anxiety, depression. I could hold it off for a while, but soon enough it tended to break through.

I know this is totally univited comment, but lately I think you are detaching as hard as you can, and have this slight aloofness and cynicism up to protect you. Combined with the DBT, this may feel like a better way to go than having turbulent feelings, but I cant help but think - based on experience - that the longer you shut emotion out, the more you are going to find it leaking through when you dont want it to, no matter what rational alternative you can generate.

Dont turn to stone, rain

[rain]

I'm not even in therapy. I am emotional as fuck, and very caring. Just knock on my door in a state and I'll do anything for you. These are just words on a forum, and trying to shift the culture on these boards. Where did I say I am rational, look on my blog, profile, posts and you will see I admit to being anything but. Just that replying to emotion with more emotion is like a tidal wave, it doesn't mean I don't care. I seem to be a person that gets put into categories wrongfully on here. Understandable as I don't even know who I am. I acknowledge all my weak points, and I'd like to assist others in coming to see how they can get to a different place - by being confronted with themselves.

It's pretty annoying when things I write here and there get used against me, it's like I should go back to being inactive. Yes, I am pissed off - oh look - AN EMOTION. Which I've had all along. Just not fucking bothered anymore! Let the forum go on without me.

[hummm_mabbe]

I'm not even in therapy. I am emotional as fuck, and very caring. Just knock on my door in a state and I'll do anything for you. These are just words on a forum, and trying to shift the culture on these boards. Where did I say I am rational, look on my blog, profile, posts and you will see I admit to being anything but. Just that replying to emotion with more emotion is like a tidal wave, it doesn't mean I don't care. I seem to be a person that gets put into categories wrongfully on here. Understandable as I don't even know who I am. I acknowledge all my weak points, and I'd like to assist others in coming to see how they can get to a different place - by being confronted with themselves.

It's pretty annoying when things I write here and there get used against me, it's like I should go back to being inactive. Yes, I am pissed off - oh look - AN EMOTION. Which I've had all along. Just not fucking bothered anymore! Let the forum go on without me.

If it felt like I was criticising then Im sorry - thats not what I intended. I felt like you were doing what I commonly do - hiding behind sheets of armour. It doesnt lead anywhere good. When I talk about feeling, I dont mean the random ups and downs and rollercoaster emotions of BPD. I mean the real emotions that sit underneath, driving it all. Those are the ones that people with BPD really want to avoid feeling - and thats where really the BPD response comes from.

I think good things about you, which is why I thought you turning to stone would be a bad thing. You are fun but obviously hurting, but I think that your ideas of purely dealing with pain by reducing it to rationality may make things harder. Thats my experience of behavioural therapies, and I saw you mention DBT a few times. I think your advice is what is needed - but I just felt that you were at the same time being a little harsh on yourself, at least as far as what I can tell purely from posts.

Still, I offered unsolicited advice and should expect to receive a bad response. Im sorry if I angered you.

[rain]

I am just in a period of not literally hurting myself and plaguing myself constantly. I think that is because of my medication and also because I have no relationships at the moment, so no endless triggering. Nothing to do with DBT - which is not synonymous to 'being a fricking stone - that rational'. You just accept what is there but change the freaky bits. I'm not even in it yet, but I will be hospitalized and getting an array of therapeutic activities. Pesso therapy too, which will be SEAS of fucking emotion and expressing my inner childhood torment. I am hardly going to be a fucking stone. I never have been and I never will be, I have been telling Rose that I need to become a teacher or whatever to be there for children. To have a positive influence in the lives of the little ones, when it is so important. As I know, as it was all screwed up with me. And how I want to adopt. You can move with me in time, like that Scrooge film and see all the elderly people's hearts I've touched when working with them.

These are words on a screen. Don't judge my whole being on them, for you don't know. And yes I am fucking vulnerable! I am in dissociation mode 24/7 as some coping mechanism of my psyche (for far too long) and I never know what I am feeling until it cripples me... So I am fucked up, thanks for reminding me, but I am trying to get out of it. And no, not in some idiotic therapy that forms me to a stone. I am not being directed - I sought out what I wanted recovery-wise. It sucks when you're being made out to be thick and a stone on this website. The only fucking contact I have. Yes, pathetic I know, but that is my existence!

[Roses]

Just read this thread. I know I'm a bit late but I really felt emotional after reading the stuff about that man. It's a horrible, yet engaging story and so true for many of us. Rain, I think what started all this was you posting on someone's thread that you can't be bothered to read it. It's not exactly friendly is it?

[roxy222]

If anyone comes across anything that suggests that genetics are reposible for anything then they may want to compare with oliver james works to be better educated

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi Rain

I hope that the DBT will be helpful for you. Different folks find it better than others so yes, I think choosing your own therapy path is good.

You've been talking about the contempt and irritability you have been feeling, so perhaps my timing with that comment was badly off. It seems that i came across as critical, perhaps minimising your struggles and putting your recovery efforts down. Is this how I made you feel?

[hummm_mabbe]

Rain, I think what started all this was you posting on someone's thread that you can't be bothered to read it. It's not exactly friendly is it?

Hi Roses

Thank you for the supportive comment, I didnt take offence at what Rain said though, I see that as her sense of humour and I was cool with it. I just felt that, from reading other threads, she was hurting but shutting herself down (identifying my own past actions in that, perhaps wrongly), and I wanted to try to bring her out of that. It seems I succeeded but unfortunately it was anger and hurt that I brought out.

I dont want to see an argument between board members pop up though.

[Roses]

Totally babe. Don't worry I'm not the arguementative type really. You always manage to see things from such a positive angle and I respect that a lot. I just have this real issue with people being mistreated and I think I look for it too much and should really chill a bit and look at it objectively like you do. I was reading your comments on other threads and you really are a diamond!

[Roses]

And Rain, I also apologise if I offended you. Just me not thinking before I act!