The Good Sociopath...

[RemmyHun]

I'm putting this out here for outside and or professional opinions. What am I? What might I classify under? Is there even a diagnosis that matches? I've been this way for a long time. 9 years, different levels, stages, but still basically the same.

The Truths:

- I'm emotionally disconnected. I have emotions and feelings, but I think before I feel and I can control if use my emotions or my logic or both.

- I'm violent minded. When I go to sleep, I plot death, torture and mayhem. I calculate the probabilities, and the details of cruel acts and it calms me down. It helps me sleep.

- I have a general desire to only harm someone for the good of another. IE self defense. Though in concept, and in my heart as far as I know, I'm alright with it not being in defense, I'd simply prefer it to be in good reason.

- I'm very manipulative. I've gotten good at manipulating people [the ways I do it are vast]

- I do take pleasure in other people's pain. It's a morbid sense of amusement. When I end up in a position to make someone very uncomfortable, or irritated or in pain, it brings me a bit of delight.

- I'm merciless and unsympathetic. But I am very understanding. I understand people's pain. I understand their point of view, their discomfort, but I almost always have no sympathy. I have no desire to show mercy.

- I have an adaptive personality. I adapt my personality to better blend, communicate or understand a situation or group of people. However, every time I do, I'm not so much putting up a façade as I'm channeling a persona.

- I have four persona's. They are a part of me. Nevonka is my rationality and objective kind heartedness. Mark is my merciless, laid back, to the point nonchalance. Ira is death, destruction, mayhem and torture. And I am Remmy, the main persona who is the wrangler of the other three.

The above are just quick notes. I'm not a sad or depressed person, though I had been once because I was conflicted with morals I didn't even understand. I spent 9 years training myself to be who I am and it feels right. It feels great. I love who I am and how I'm always evolving. I love to learn and develop. I love my self-control and I love taking control just as much as I love sitting back and watching the chaos that is life. So, I ask, what am I? I've only recently met another person who is very much like me, shares the above qualitative though he's not quite as "dark" as I am. I'm not shy or shamed, I know some people think me evil and I'm okay with that. I know it has a lot to do with their morals and perspective. I don't hold it against them either, it is what it is. I am who I am. But I ask "what" am I because I want to know if this -is- something, or if I'm just simple person with a different way of looking at things as a whole. I titled it "The Good Scociopath" because in many ways I can be considered a sociopath, but the differences are, I'm not reckless. I have full and complete understanding of the consenquences. I understand the results of my actions, what I do or could do to people. In in fact, running the endless scinarios through my head is something I do regularly. So.. am I just a pecular person or something else? I'm just curious. I want outside opinions because we can only self anyalize so much.

Remmy.

[Tray]

hi

i think sociopath is a harse thing to call yourself, whether its good or evil... to me a sociopath is someone who has no morals, no control, and you obv do...

you seem to have a lot of self awarness which is good, thats a rare thing for many, in life, but i wonder why you see yourself as being evil? you speak like you expect us to deem you as evil without getting to know you? does it make you feel better for people to automatically hate you, mistrust you, despise you? i can only speak for myself, but i do try and get people to hate me, so that way i dont dissapoint, cause i know eventually they will hate me when they found out what type of person i am

have you seen anyone about the way you feel? is this the first time you have done anything like this towards finding other peoples opinions?

sorry for all the questions, but i am interested in what you have to say

Tracy

[Faerielight]

i was gona say too that u have a lot of self awareness too , which is good!

[yorkiegal73]

i've often thought i might be a sociopath, especially when i was in group therapy and just didn't feel that much empathy with people. i also had very violent thoughts and dreams till i started on the seroquel. i think if we really were sociopaths we wouldn't care less how we were. People with bpd really struggle with having a sense of identity. We adapt our behaviour to fit in around other people.

[RemmyHun]

Oh no. I don't try and make people hate me. Nor do I try and make them like me. Well, not unless I'm out for something. I'm an opportunist, if an opportunity presents itself and I want to, I'll jump right into it. And in fact, the number of people who hate me, or dislike me are less or equal to those who like me, and enjoy my company. I do NOT think of myself as evil. Not in the least, I understand how other people might because of the kind of person I am, but I myself think that I am simple another breed so to speak.

I saw a shrink as it were, once, when I was 16. Before I found my equilibrium. He saw me 4 times, then ended it, told my mother he couldn't help me because I was suborn. Which was true, but he also had no desire to try and talk to me. Not really. And yes, that did have an adverse effect on me, and has been part of what has made me who I am.

Also, like I said, I don't think I qualify as a sociopath, because I am self aware. Because I know what harm my actions can and do cause. The reason why I can see why others would see me as a sociopath is the simple fact I have little care for that harm cause, and that sometimes I even find morbid pleasure and amusement in it.

In general, I'm an easy going person, and I can get a long with a wide variety of people. It's just that... well Rule # 3, if it comes betwixt you and I. You're the one who's going to die. And as of this moment, that rule applies to everyone. Including my own twin. Feel free to ask questions. I'm not shy, and I'm not ashamed, and I value the input of others because it helps me see things in a broader prospective. Oh, and no, this is not the first time I've asked others, though this is the first time I've done so openly, and with such detail.

Remmy.

[RemmyHun]

Thought I'd offer a little more information. Over the years I've compiled a list of rules I live by. Each one can be explained if need be, but this is just them in their simplest form and it might help you guys understand a bit more how my mind works. Maybe.

Remmy's Rules of Engagement [RRoE]

1) If one is not willing to fight for their life, then their life isn’t worth fighting for.

2) If someone tries to kill you, see that they die first. Kill or be killed.

3) If it comes betwixt you and I, you’re the one who’s going to die.

4) Be kind to many, trust few.

5) Start simple and work your way from there.

6) If they offer, take it.

7) Never offer what you're not willing to give up.

8) Never volunteer information without just cause.

9) Never try to talk over someone, your words will assuredly get lost.

10) Word all questions carefully.

11) Codes are codes for a reason.

12) Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, expect nothing.

13) Sometimes nonsense is best.

14) Lie like the truth or be honest.

15) If they lie to you once, you can expect they'll lie to you again.

16) When you're at a loss, refer to rule 13.

17) A few well choice words can make a greater impact then a bunch of bull shit.

18) People say things for a reason.

19) Better to be aggressive then completely submissive. You can't get anywhere in life laying down.

20) Hate will corrupt your soul, let it go.

21) If you have a hideaway, its probably because you have someone or something to hide from.

22) Everyone, no matter how old, needs a mentor, guidance, and someone who understands.

23) Have secure convictions and you’ll never regret anything you do.

24) Learn from your mistakes or find that you’re wasting time.

25) Listening to advice doesn’t always mean you have to take it, just consider it.

26) Mercy is for those who doubt the reasons for their actions.

27) Only share your emotions with those who truly appreciate them.

28) A friend is someone you trust full heartedly.

29) There is no exception to rule # 3. What good are you to anyone if you're dead?

30) Pain is only as bad as your mind makes it.

31) Those who think they have to prove themselves, were never what they thought they were to begin with.

32) If they stall a reply, forget it, don’t waste your time.

33) In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.

34) It’s always your choice, you choose.

35) The exception to rule #34, being drugged or unconscious.

36) If someone says duck, duck. Worst you look stupid, best it saves your life.

37) Looking for an outside perspective or opinion is the exception to rule# 27.

38) If you have a gun in hand, cocked and ready to fire, you should have full intentions to kill.

39) If someone had a gun ready to fire assume they have full intentions to kill.

40) The exception to rule# 2, if you don’t have the advantage to kill, it’s all about survival.

41) Having faith is different then trust.

42) People are stupid. Remember that and never underestimate how stupid they really are.

[roxy222]

sounds like you very hard on yourself, these rules sound like your geared for survival, you must spend alot of your energies on that. if you failed to live by these rules what would happen? does your life hold value without these rules?

xx

[RemmyHun]

Believe it or not, I don't spend a lot of energy on it. They've become second nature. Like I said before, I've been at this for 9 years. Since I was 13. I'm still not sure exactly what jump started it all other then the sense that I was really alone, but even at 13 I was beyond myself. It was very difficult even up until I was 18, it's in these last four years that things have leveled out and I've managed to pretty well balance my equilibrium.

I am geared for survival. Some of it's hard to explain, but I feel like this is my purpose. That I'm meant to be prepared to survive. To take on anything that's thrown my way and come out alive. These rules are 9 years in the making, they've come from personal experience and observations, realizations etc. As for what might happen if I broke the rules?

I don't break the rules. lol. Simple as that. But, I guess if you want to go hypothetical, what do I think might happen if I do? Well for one I'd could end up dead. If I broke the rules, I'd not be living to my full potential. I'd be wasting time or energy on things that really aren't worth it. These rules aren't just rules, but they're reminders. Reminders of lessons I've learned so I don't have to re-learn it.

RRoE#24- Learn from your mistakes or find that you’re wasting time. After all, if you don't learn from it, then what are you doing? There's a sub-law so to speak that goes with this rule. -- Learning from your mistakes is necessary, learning from others mistakes is wise. -- And I do. In another thread, I mentioned to Clayton that I've been a sounding board for people and their lifes problems almost as long as I can remember. I've learned from those conversations.

does your life hold value without these rules?

Even if they weren't written down, weren't given numbers for other people to see, it wouldn't change anything. Their in my mind, they're a part of me. Of who I am. The rules aren't what give my life value, the rules help to give my life direction. The value is in my determination to be the best I can be at what I'm trying to accomplish. The value of my life is in my ability to complete my objectives big or small.The value of my life, is in my ability to be useful, and to fulfill my purpose.

Hope that answers your questions :-D

Remmy.

[roxy222]

RRoE#24- Learn from your mistakes or find that you’re wasting time. After all, if you don't learn from it, then what are you doing?

being human? whats wrong with just that? wheres your compassion for yourself?

There's a sub-law so to speak that goes with this rule. -- Learning from your mistakes is necessary,

making mistakes is human, accepting that you make mistakes, can make mistakes and still deserve love and respect desite this is necessary. people only learn from their mistakes, and/or others, when they are able to. as in 'if I could have I would have'. being in the right place emotionally is the important thing.

learning from others mistakes is wise. -- And I do. In another thread, I mentioned to Clayton that I've been a sounding board for people and their lifes problems almost as long as I can remember. I've learned from those conversations.

for as long as you can remember? like from when you were a little kid?

that sucks that youv had to carry other peoples burdens like that. why were people using you for this rather than meeting your needs? who was worrying about your problems?

I understand survival, I lived with it being my only goal from birth. my life way under a daily threat, and constant attack. even once i escaped my childhood home I still lived day to day life as if under threat. I saw (and still to some extent see) the world differently from others. i spent years in a state of hyper vigilance, and still in times of stress reort to that so easily. and every fight was a war. I never trusted anyone, and if someone betrayed me in any tiny way then I punished them with extreeme withdrawl, not to mention intilectual attack. it took years to remember the extent of my childhood truama and until I did I replayed it in my everyday life, normal situations were life and death to me, survival was everything. but its not, i want more than that, I deserve more than that. I never judged myself for the damage I inflicted in my fight, but in doing so i also held back from blaming those who rightly deserved it. this blame needed to be attributed appropriately, the whole world did not need to pay for my plight, and I needed to be responsible for my actions, in other words I needed to grow up, as in become an adult participant in my life, not just a survivor of a hellish world.

why does survival figure so highly for you?

[RemmyHun]

First off, I'm not sure if you went back and read what you wrote, but the first half of your reply read almost like an attack. Which I'm not sure if it was meant to, but it amused me a little anyway. Now to answer your questions and fill in some blanks...

RRoE#24- Learn from your mistakes or find that you’re wasting time. After all, if you don't learn from it, then what are you doing?

being human? whats wrong with just that? wheres your compassion for yourself?

I understand it's human not to learn from your mistakes, and often people have to make the same mistake repeatedly before the learn better. These are MY rules, and I've chosen to try not to have to make the same mistakes more then once if I can help it. Does this make me less human in your eyes? It doesn't make me less human in my eyes, it makes me a person who chosen to learn from her mistakes the first time. Simple as that. My compassion for myself? To be honest I don't rightly understand compassion. So I suppose I don't have any.

making mistakes is human, accepting that you make mistakes, can make mistakes and still deserve love and respect desite this is necessary. people only learn from their mistakes, and/or others, when they are able to. as in 'if I could have I would have'. being in the right place emotionally is the important thing.

Again, this is one of MY rules. So for me, learning from my mistakes is necessary, learning from others is wise. No where did I say people who don't learn from them don't deserve love and respect. And I'm also not disputing that people, as a whole and in general, only learn from their mistakes and/or others when they're able to. But again, -I- make it a point to always learn from mine. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "being in the right place emotionally is the important thing". That's a very circumstantial statement to me, and if you need me to explain what I mean, just ask. I will.

for as long as you can remember? like from when you were a little kid? that sucks that youv had to carry other peoples burdens like that. why were people using you for this rather than meeting your needs? who was worrying about your problems?

Yes, as long as I can remember. Yes, since I was a child. And yeah, it did suck, thinking about it, it does suck, but I can't change it. And I don't know why people used me as the sounding board rather then assisting me. I think my dad made me his board because I worked with him all the time. [Family business] And he never had anyone to talk to, and I was a kid, there to listen. At the time, I didn't know it wasn't normal, so I dealt with it. Did what I needed to do to handle the problems, offer advice and comfort and not get sink into the ground. And I think I did a damn good job if I do say so myself. And as for who was worrying about my problems? Me. RRoE#33- In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Its proved true so many times I can't count. Once upon a time it bothered me, it doesn't anymore. I am who I am and these experiences have molded me.

why does survival figure so highly for you?

Hmm. I think you've misunderstood my motives for survival. They're not immediate. I don't feel threatened every day. These rules, the way I live, it's not because of now, it's because of the future. Because I feel like I need to prepare myself for what's to come. What ever it may be, I feel like it's important for me to be prepared, not just for myself, but for others. I'm not a bad person, I'm not evil even if some of the things I desire, think or do can be considered bad or evil. I'm not. I guess I figure I'm being built, molded, trained and conditioned to handle burdens other people can't. To be able to do things, others can't or wont do.

I hope I've properly answered your questions so far.

Remmy.

[roxy222]

I think its really sad your so hard on yourself. You sound really on your own, Im sorry about that. your dad had no right to use you like a sounding board, a child shouldnt have to worry about adults emotional world. Im sorry he didnt prioritise your feelings, take the time to hear your concerns and support your needs. I think finding compassion for yourself should be very important because it seems like something youv missed.

[RemmyHun]

I think its really sad your so hard on yourself. You sound really on your own, Im sorry about that. your dad had no right to use you like a sounding board, a child shouldnt have to worry about adults emotional world. Im sorry he didnt prioritise your feelings, take the time to hear your concerns and support your needs. I think finding compassion for yourself should be very important because it seems like something youv missed.

I don't think I'm hard on myself. I have been, but like I said, I've been at this for 9 years solid, so it's second nature now. I don't even think about it anymore, it just is. And I agree, he shouldn't have, and my mother shouldn't have acted like everything was my fault when there were three other kids in the house who took part in a number of things "bad". My Mother and Father should have treated me more like a kid and less like the bane of her existance, and his shop-helper. But they didn't. Even now they don't.

I know most all of the things that have turned me into who I am, I know the causes for most of the things that have made the impacts on me and steered me in the direction I've gone. They've made me stronger, though i also admit they've made me emotionally disconnected. I DO have feelings, but I think before I feel. It works for me. You have no need to be sorry, I'm not. I would not be who I am if these things didn't happen, and some people might argue that it would be good for me not to be this way, but I still think it is. I still believe I'm meant to have gone this road because I'm someone who was born to take it. Maybe I'm delutional, but that remains to be seen.

On a side note, I'm still left to wonder if I'm just a 'normal' person with a different view, or if there's something else in the midst.

Remmy.

[rebeccaborderline]

Hi,

Ive read hardly any of this thread, just your first post.

Have you read John Fowles "The Collector"? If you do, and you find empathy with the protagonist, I would be very careful with how much you allow yourself to fantasise. It is something that is controllable, with a bit of work. Unchecked, it can be problematic.

Take care

reb

[RemmyHun]

Hi,

Ive read hardly any of this thread, just your first post.

Have you read John Fowles "The Collector"? If you do, and you find empathy with the protagonist, I would be very careful with how much you allow yourself to fantasise. It is something that is controllable, with a bit of work. Unchecked, it can be problematic.

Take care

reb

Rebecca,

Thank you for being honest in that you only read the first post. Anyroad, no I have not read said book. I'm picky about what books I read, and I am very aware of what risks the fantasies can have in compelling me to do more, and even corrupting my mind further. As I said in my first post, I've been conditioning, training and preparing for 9 years. I'm not on this board for help in how to handle what I am, I have that down pat. I'm merely [for this thread] looking for outside opinions and perspectives as to what this mindset is. If it falls under any kind of mental condition I'm unaware of, or if it's nothing more then me having different way of looking at things.

I enjoy talking with people about it because sometimes someone will say something [or write something] that makes me think and consider; which I love. It allows me to see a new perspective I'd not previously seen. Or in other terms, run scenario's I'd not previously ran. I run scenario's in my head all day, every day about all kinds of things. Sometimes people will open a door in my mind and it'll help me expand my knowledge and preparedness for something I'd not already foreseen.

In either case, thank you for your input and... concern?

Remmy.

[rebeccaborderline]

Hi Remmy,

Yes; "concern" was the point.

I didnt read past the first post in this thread because I found it disturbing. Now, as the nature of the beast, this site is generally for people who are extremely emotionally raw, constantly; so I am willing to accept that I overreact.

What struck me (paraphrasing) was that you could see peoples pain, emotional and physical-but it doesnt move you, or affect you personally. In fact, its almost entertaining.

I dont know if you are playing out some internal role fantasy, and in fact are extremely mild-mannered.

I dont know if you are a hurt individual, who is struggling to deal with anger and self-loathing.

I don't know if you just don't give a shit.

Im not sure I want to know, certainly not if its the latter. I dont know if this is the site for you, because you may do more damage than help to other members. The floor is open.

That does not mean I don't think you arn't deserving of support; I just think this might not be the right place for you. Yourself, and others, may disagree

reb

[bibiddi]

Personally speaking, I would suggest, if you arent happy with who you are, what you think, or how you behave then it cant do any harm going to your doctor, and see if you can get referred to a psychiatrist.

[RemmyHun]

Hi Remmy,

Yes; "concern" was the point.

I didnt read past the first post in this thread because I found it disturbing. Now, as the nature of the beast, this site is generally for people who are extremely emotionally raw, constantly; so I am willing to accept that I overreact.

What struck me (paraphrasing) was that you could see peoples pain, emotional and physical-but it doesnt move you, or affect you personally. In fact, its almost entertaining.

I dont know if you are playing out some internal role fantasy, and in fact are extremely mild-mannered.

I dont know if you are a hurt individual, who is struggling to deal with anger and self-loathing.

I don't know if you just don't give a shit.

Im not sure I want to know, certainly not if its the latter. I dont know if this is the site for you, because you may do more damage than help to other members. The floor is open.

That does not mean I don't think you arn't deserving of support; I just think this might not be the right place for you. Yourself, and others, may disagree

reb

Reb,

I'm glad you mentioned that it was a little disturbing for you and that many people here are emotionally raw and might not be able up for the truth of who I am. I honestly hadn't thought about that and if I remain here I think any future posts that might not be suitable for some I'll add warning tags for.

How I feel is kind of complicated. I see things in a different perspective, which some would argue is wrong. I don't argue. And yes, sometimes it is entertaining but it depends on the cercumstances. In the end, my ultimate goal is to be the cold-blooded "warrior" capable of protecting those who want to fight for themselves, but can't. Emotionally raw people are vulnerable, we know this, and as such they're more easily subject to being a victim if none are there to be the shield, to take the brunt of the attack without faltering. [i hope I'm making sense.] To try and put it simply, my goal, my main motivation in life in general, is to be able to take all the insult, the pain, the attempt to cause harm both physical and mental without falling. Not for myself, but for those who can't. And mentally speaking, the only way to be sure I can do this, is to make my mind capable of handling it, which means being able to remove my emotions from the situation so I can take it in full with aq rational and logical mind and not get lost in the overwhemling power that emotion can be.

No, this is not a sick fantasy I'm playing on here, I'm being totally honest in everything I say. I once was hurt, I struggled, I hated, but I don't anymore. I actually am very pleased with how far I've come and how close I am to being the person I've set out to be, as described above. I'm a cruel person with good intentions. I know I've caused harm to others for my own development, and no, I don't feel bad about it because I believe it's for the greater good. In the end, not only might I have made those people stronger, but I've made myself stronger and more capable of taking on what people such as yourself might not be able to.

Example: [This may be disturbing.]

A hostage situation takes place, there are 50 people in the room. One of the "bad guys" wants one of the hostages to kill another hostage in order to set 10 free. One life, for ten. If no one can do this, everyone dies.

The probability of such a thing happening is slim to none, I know that. But I can't shake the feeling I'm meant to be this way for a reason. Meant to be this way because one day, something like that [perhaps much larger] will happen, and it wont be just me I'm saving, I wont be the only one depending on my ability to follow through with what can be considered one of the hardest choices a person can make.

Remmy.

[RemmyHun]

Personally speaking, I would suggest, if you arent happy with who you are, what you think, or how you behave then it cant do any harm going to your doctor, and see if you can get referred to a psychiatrist.

Hmm. bibiddi,

I know based on what you know, or understand, that people of my nature hate ourselves. That might be true in general. But I don't. I don't hate myself, not in the slightest. I don't even dislike myself or how I am. I aknowledge it may be disturbing for some, but again, I believe it's for the greater good. Or will be. Perhaps they're delusions of self grandure, I'm not denying that as a possibility, but it doesn't change the fact I can't shake that this is meant to be, and that it makes me happy to be who I am.

I saw a psychiatrist once, and he was, perhaps, the person who finally "broke" me before I truely began to rebuild myself. I was 16, my mother sent me to see him because of my branding [as a way to control my anger]. Four sessions later he told my mother I was too stuborn and there was nothing he could do. That was probably the most profound example in my mind, of why the only person you can truly count on is yourself. At the time, it broke me. At the time, I had wanted someone to care enough to help me and his responce was that I was too stuborn. I can't imagine how different things would be if he'd sught to find out what was going on in my head, but they aren't different. And the events that took place there-after aren't different either.

I can admit, from an emotional perspective, it's unfortunate. Sad even. But it happened, and it was one of several things that steered me down the path I walk. And I wouldn't change it, because this feels right to me. Maybe it shouldn't, but maybe it should. If I saw a psychiatrist now, it would be for a professional perspective on various things. Not to try and "fix" me, because I'm no longer broken.

Remmy.

[bibiddi]

Hmm. bibiddi,

I know based on what you know, or understand, that people of my nature hate ourselves. That might be true in general. But I don't. I don't hate myself, not in the slightest. I don't even dislike myself or how I am. I aknowledge it may be disturbing for some, but again, I believe it's for the greater good. Or will be. Perhaps they're delusions of self grandure, I'm not denying that as a possibility, but it doesn't change the fact I can't shake that this is meant to be, and that it makes me happy to be who I am.

I saw a psychiatrist once, and he was, perhaps, the person who finally "broke" me before I truely began to rebuild myself. I was 16, my mother sent me to see him because of my branding [as a way to control my anger]. Four sessions later he told my mother I was too stuborn and there was nothing he could do. That was probably the most profound example in my mind, of why the only person you can truly count on is yourself. At the time, it broke me. At the time, I had wanted someone to care enough to help me and his responce was that I was too stuborn. I can't imagine how different things would be if he'd sught to find out what was going on in my head, but they aren't different. And the events that took place there-after aren't different either.

I can admit, from an emotional perspective, it's unfortunate. Sad even. But it happened, and it was one of several things that steered me down the path I walk. And I wouldn't change it, because this feels right to me. Maybe it shouldn't, but maybe it should. If I saw a psychiatrist now, it would be for a professional perspective on various things. Not to try and "fix" me, because I'm no longer broken.

Remmy.

OK, if you are happy with who you are, what you think, and how you behave, then everythings fine.

But is that what you want to hear?

[Faerielight]

i dont quite understand why you are here.. im not trying to be unwelcoming, but this site is for people to recieve and give support, cos they're emotionally struggling, so if you dont need support and youre ok, not sure why you're here. faerie x,, sorry just to add, you have been helpful to replying to peoples posts tho which is good, but im with reb on this one.. i think seeing as its mainly peeps on here with bpd.. we've as a rule been hurt and abused so our emotions are full volume and where you describe ur at, seem s to be the polarity of this illness , also i think yep some might find what you write triggering about taking pleasure in peoples pain etc.. we're sensitive souls! at least i am!!

[RemmyHun]

OK, if you are happy with who you are, what you think, and how you behave, then everythings fine.

But is that what you want to hear?

-laughs- Okay. Hmm. First off, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at how hard this seems to be for me to explain and or get accross.

I didn't come here expecting or wanting to read/hear anything in particular. I didn't come here wanting people to assure me I'm fine, that everythings okay, or to tell me I'm a horrible person and I need to die. The reason I posted on here was in an attempt to get outside persepectives from people who actually know and have, and understand some of these mental illnesses. All I wanted, was honest, forthright responces, good or bad.

Why? Because I want to learn. And I can learn so much from the people here. For example, Reb pointed out that a lot of the people here are emotionally raw and that me, my posts, my views may be too much for some to handle. I hadn't thought of that. I hadn't thought about the fact that I should put a warning lable on some of my posts in consideration to others. She also pointed out I might be choosing what I see and don't see, which makes me think. She's made me reflect and think so i can determine if that's the case or not.

I don't want anything from any specific light, but rather all lights. All views. All perspectives of what I might be, or what I might classify as if anything. I just want your educated and honest points of view. Does that make sense?

Remmy.

[roxy222]

Hi Remmy,

Yes; "concern" was the point.

I didnt read past the first post in this thread because I found it disturbing. Now, as the nature of the beast, this site is generally for people who are extremely emotionally raw, constantly; so I am willing to accept that I overreact.

What struck me (paraphrasing) was that you could see peoples pain, emotional and physical-but it doesnt move you, or affect you personally. In fact, its almost entertaining.

I dont know if you are playing out some internal role fantasy, and in fact are extremely mild-mannered.

I dont know if you are a hurt individual, who is struggling to deal with anger and self-loathing.

I don't know if you just don't give a shit.

Im not sure I want to know, certainly not if its the latter. I dont know if this is the site for you, because you may do more damage than help to other members. The floor is open.

That does not mean I don't think you arn't deserving of support; I just think this might not be the right place for you. Yourself, and others, may disagree

reb

Reb,

I'm glad you mentioned that it was a little disturbing for you and that many people here are emotionally raw and might not be able up for the truth of who I am. I honestly hadn't thought about that and if I remain here I think any future posts that might not be suitable for some I'll add warning tags for.

How I feel is kind of complicated. I see things in a different perspective, which some would argue is wrong. I don't argue. And yes, sometimes it is entertaining but it depends on the cercumstances. In the end, my ultimate goal is to be the cold-blooded "warrior" capable of protecting those who want to fight for themselves, but can't. Emotionally raw people are vulnerable, we know this, and as such they're more easily subject to being a victim if none are there to be the shield, to take the brunt of the attack without faltering. [i hope I'm making sense.] To try and put it simply, my goal, my main motivation in life in general, is to be able to take all the insult, the pain, the attempt to cause harm both physical and mental without falling. Not for myself, but for those who can't. And mentally speaking, the only way to be sure I can do this, is to make my mind capable of handling it, which means being able to remove my emotions from the situation so I can take it in full with aq rational and logical mind and not get lost in the overwhemling power that emotion can be.

No, this is not a sick fantasy I'm playing on here, I'm being totally honest in everything I say. I once was hurt, I struggled, I hated, but I don't anymore. I actually am very pleased with how far I've come and how close I am to being the person I've set out to be, as described above. I'm a cruel person with good intentions. I know I've caused harm to others for my own development, and no, I don't feel bad about it because I believe it's for the greater good. In the end, not only might I have made those people stronger, but I've made myself stronger and more capable of taking on what people such as yourself might not be able to.

Example: [This may be disturbing.]

A hostage situation takes place, there are 50 people in the room. One of the "bad guys" wants one of the hostages to kill another hostage in order to set 10 free. One life, for ten. If no one can do this, everyone dies.

The probability of such a thing happening is slim to none, I know that. But I can't shake the feeling I'm meant to be this way for a reason. Meant to be this way because one day, something like that [perhaps much larger] will happen, and it wont be just me I'm saving, I wont be the only one depending on my ability to follow through with what can be considered one of the hardest choices a person can make.

If you genuinely want to help people who cant protect themselves then connecting with yourself emotionally is by far the best thing you could do. those who are vulnerable do not need someone to fight for them, but to support them, see their pain and help them get through it. they need someone who has high emotional intelligence, not someone who is emotionally detached, they need someone who can help them identify their own feelings and help them live with them. the idea of meant to be this way is just a feeble cop out, no doubt george bush, hitler, stalin etc all told themselves the same thing. being the strongest and most domineering doesnt save lives, it destroys them. if you want to help humanity, find your own humanity.

Remmy.

[Lily-Bee]

I have read this whole thread with interest and what struck me was, if you live by such strickt rules as you do and are so in control as you say you are, can you be spontanious??? Maybe it feels safe and good for you to live this way but does it leave room to be just human?? Ia m not sure if I know how to explain what I mean but like do you allow yourself to feel emotions for instance, this all sounds sooo rational.

And you know what it is with people, if they have emotions that they supress sooner or later it WILL come out and it might not be so pretty if youve been busy "being in control".

Just my thoughts, not judging you, just interested and trying to understand.

Lilly

[Curiosus]

Hi Remmy

Just thought I'd share. I grew up believing life was a struggle for survival, and often a hopeless one, especially for those who are "weak". The law of jungle, kill or get killed, etc. I wanted to be strong, to protect myself and those incapable of self-protection. I got myself strong, by rules somewhat similar to yours. It felt very good to be strong. But here's what was the problem: I was operating in this PTSDish mode, "child-of-war", busy ensuring my survival, while it wasn't actually threatened.

Now, I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings. You started this thread by listing (and, possibly, exaggerating) negative things about yourself, stressing that you're happy the way you are, and invited others to comment on this. Others responded with support. You rejected this support, arguing every point they brought up, being defensive. You're continuing to elaborate on points that are probably triggering to some, and, at any rate, aren't likely to gain you sympathy of others. It seems you anticipate attacks, maybe even invite them, see them where there are none, and enjoy defending yourself. Replaying the jungle law scenario.

This isn't to judge. I don't know you, you could be a very nice person, or a very unpleasant person. But it seems you're in a tough place right now, and I hope you'll find your way out.

PS: have you seen Ivan's Childhood by Tarkovsky? It's one of those "smart" films, hard to stay focused on, but it's exactly what you're talking about, and, I don't know, it gave me perspective when I needed it...

[RemmyHun]

If you genuinely want to help people who cant protect themselves then connecting with yourself emotionally is by far the best thing you could do. those who are vulnerable do not need someone to fight for them, but to support them, see their pain and help them get through it. they need someone who has high emotional intelligence, not someone who is emotionally detached, they need someone who can help them identify their own feelings and help them live with them. the idea of meant to be this way is just a feeble cop out, no doubt george bush, hitler, stalin etc all told themselves the same thing. being the strongest and most domineering doesnt save lives, it destroys them. if you want to help humanity, find your own humanity.

Rather then reply to this directly, I'll recommend you read the replies to the two posts below you because it should cover this as well. If not, please let me know and I'll try and cover what wasn't.

Remmy.