The Good Sociopath...

[daisy duck]

hi remmy,

truth is you are you!we are all different and individual so be proud of who you are and dont try to classify yourself as anything

xxx

daisy duck

[RemmyHun]

I have read this whole thread with interest and what struck me was, if you live by such strickt rules as you do and are so in control as you say you are, can you be spontanious??? Maybe it feels safe and good for you to live this way but does it leave room to be just human?? Ia m not sure if I know how to explain what I mean but like do you allow yourself to feel emotions for instance, this all sounds sooo rational.

And you know what it is with people, if they have emotions that they supress sooner or later it WILL come out and it might not be so pretty if youve been busy "being in control".

Just my thoughts, not judging you, just interested and trying to understand.

Lilly

Hello Lilly,

To answer your first question, yes. I can be very spontanous. These rules of mine aren't as restricting as you may believe. Most of them are cercumstancial, for example, rules 2 and 3 only apply in a life or death situation. Rule 10 is primarily when I'm assessing someone or something because more often then not questions can tell someone alot about the person asking them. On the flip side, the answers to questions aren't always as important as how they're answered. Such as expressions, pauses, word choice, sentence structure etc. These rules are second nature, and some only apply during certain situations.

So yes, I do spontanous things all the time, things that might even be considered foolish or stupid. I will admit, I do run scenario's and probabilities of outcomes sometimes or long term effects within a few seconds before doing what ever it is I want to do, but I live. I have fun. I enjoy myself. I suppose running those things makes it not spontanous but if you met me, and I didn't tell you of the rules I live by, you'd never know.

Do I allow myself to fee? Yes. I do have emotions and feelings. [Otherwise I wouldn't have rule#27 or37]. I do feel, I can be offended, and hurt. The difference is, I can block it at the time, and deal with it later. I tend to think and respond, rather then feel and respond; unless the point of [whatever it is] is for me to feel and respond. If that makes sense. And you are very correct in the side effects of emotional repression. Just because I can control it, doesn't mean I'm not effected. I did learn that one the hard way though. Unless otherwise desired at random, about every three months I'll do something or find something that triggers natural emotional responce, and I let it all out in the privacy and security of my home, with my cat [of 15 years] who I love and adore. Pathetic maybe, but it allows me to remain objective and rational when I need to be.

I hope I answered your questions and helped you understand.

Remmy.

[RemmyHun]

Hi Remmy

Just thought I'd share. I grew up believing life was a struggle for survival, and often a hopeless one, especially for those who are "weak". The law of jungle, kill or get killed, etc. I wanted to be strong, to protect myself and those incapable of self-protection. I got myself strong, by rules somewhat similar to yours. It felt very good to be strong. But here's what was the problem: I was operating in this PTSDish mode, "child-of-war", busy ensuring my survival, while it wasn't actually threatened.

Now, I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings. You started this thread by listing (and, possibly, exaggerating) negative things about yourself, stressing that you're happy the way you are, and invited others to comment on this. Others responded with support. You rejected this support, arguing every point they brought up, being defensive. You're continuing to elaborate on points that are probably triggering to some, and, at any rate, aren't likely to gain you sympathy of others. It seems you anticipate attacks, maybe even invite them, see them where there are none, and enjoy defending yourself. Replaying the jungle law scenario.

This isn't to judge. I don't know you, you could be a very nice person, or a very unpleasant person. But it seems you're in a tough place right now, and I hope you'll find your way out.

PS: have you seen Ivan's Childhood by Tarkovsky? It's one of those "smart" films, hard to stay focused on, but it's exactly what you're talking about, and, I don't know, it gave me perspective when I needed it...

Curiosus,

First off, though I appreciate the consideration, do not worry about hurtting my feelings, this is what I came here for. To get other points of view to help me think on another level about myself. If that makes sense. The things I listed about myself are only negitive to those with spesific morals that would classify them as negitive. I aknowledge that in the prospective of the general populous they are considered negititive, but I myself don't entirely believe they are.

Hmm. I don't believe I rejected anything and if anyone else reading this believes I did, please say so. I see things differently [which is why I've ask for comment] because you see me rejecting and being defensive, I just see myself replying either in counter or in explination. Whether they reply with support or otherwise. And yes, at the time I hadn't thought about the fact that some of this information might be a trigger to someone until Rose [i believe it was] pointed it out to me. And though anyone and everyone is entitiled to offer me sympathy, it's not something I need or want. I just want people to talk.

I enjoy talking things out, yes. Very much so. I enjoy looking at any given thing from multiple angles. Arguing might even be a fair term to use, though I do so more in discussion. Again, this is just how I feel about it, and how I see it. When I counter someone's reply, I just want to make sure they understand what ever point it is before continueing on ward. Because it does no good to continue a conversation if both parties don't know or understand what they're talking about.

And no, I have not seen said movie, but I will definatly see if I can find it so I can watch it. And I'll let you know if I do.

______________

Hmmm. This has come as a side note during my replies. [A side note in my mind which I'm now voicing.] Someone had previously written "support" saying that if I love myself then it's all good [rough parapharsing on that one], in which she followed with "but is that what you want to hear?". You mention that I'm being defensive, and I'll agree that in a way, I am perhaps. Bottom line, I'm here for both praise/support and insult/rejection but more importantly I'm really here for the "Why". Why do you support me? Why do you agree? Why do you reject me? Why do you disagree? I want to know the why's of every reply. I want to know the thought behind it. And... if anyone can put a name or synopsis on what I am. I want that too, and I want the why.

Remmy.

P.S. Pardon my bad spelling, never my strong point. :-D

[RemmyHun]

hi remmy,

truth is you are you!we are all different and individual so be proud of who you are and dont try to classify yourself as anything

xxx

daisy duck

lol, thanks Daisy Duck, that's actually one of my favorite phrases as of late. "I am who I am" and "It is what it is."

You're also right that I shouldn't try and classify myself, after all it never worked in the past, I rarely fit under any one classification [then again who does?] but I was curious to get some outside perspectives on things. Information from other people that might make me think of things I otherwise haven't. :-D

Remmy.

[daisy duck]

hi remmy,

truth is you are you!we are all different and individual so be proud of who you are and dont try to classify yourself as anything

xxx

daisy duck

lol, thanks Daisy Duck, that's actually one of my favorite phrases as of late. "I am who I am" and "It is what it is."

You're also right that I shouldn't try and classify myself, after all it never worked in the past, I rarely fit under any one classification [then again who does?] but I was curious to get some outside perspectives on things. Information from other people that might make me think of things I otherwise haven't. :-D

Remmy.

im glad you dont label yourself...hey we are all mad in some way i guess!!!the world is mad xxx

[RemmyHun]

im glad you dont label yourself...hey we are all mad in some way i guess!!!the world is mad xxx

lol. Too True Daisy Duck, the world as a whole is an angry place I think. Though admittedly some places more then others and people more then others. I can say with honesty, very rarely do I let my anger flare out and hurt others. Most of the time, if I take my anger out on someone else, it's either because they've done something I believe warrents it [Yes,I admit, I do pass judment in such cases] or rarely, because I've forgotten my control. I'm not perfect lol.

Remmy.

[daisy duck]

im glad you dont label yourself...hey we are all mad in some way i guess!!!the world is mad xxx

lol. Too True Daisy Duck, the world as a whole is an angry place I think. Though admittedly some places more then others and people more then others. I can say with honesty, very rarely do I let my anger flare out and hurt others. Most of the time, if I take my anger out on someone else, it's either because they've done something I believe warrents it [Yes,I admit, I do pass judment in such cases] or rarely, because I've forgotten my control. I'm not perfect lol.

Remmy.

I am far from perfect and i take my anger out on people closest to me...i wish i didnt though.

Its hard to stay in control.

xxx

[RemmyHun]

I am far from perfect and i take my anger out on people closest to me...i wish i didnt though.

Its hard to stay in control.

xxx

It is babe. When I was younger I did lash out at people but not as much as I could have. I self-imploded to prevent from exploding which isn't healthy for most people. Hell it wasn't healthy for me then, though it did help me in the long run. If I may, advice on how to help yourself from NOT lashing out to those closest to you...

Try to work on not being impulsivly angry. Being impulsive when angry is what makes you lash out at people. Because you don't think about it. Also when you're anrgy learn to walk away. There is a stupilation to this though, and that is that you have to let those around you know to let you walk away [even if for just 3-10 mins]. If you don't let them know they may try and persue you, which can make the anger worse. But if you can learn to step away and think before you lash, it may significantly reduse the number of times you lash out at those near you when you're mad. Just a suggestion, and it might not be something you can do.

Remmy.

[daisy duck]

I am far from perfect and i take my anger out on people closest to me...i wish i didnt though.

Its hard to stay in control.

xxx

It is babe. When I was younger I did lash out at people but not as much as I could have. I self-imploded to prevent from exploding which isn't healthy for most people. Hell it wasn't healthy for me then, though it did help me in the long run. If I may, advice on how to help yourself from NOT lashing out to those closest to you...

Try to work on not being impulsivly angry. Being impulsive when angry is what makes you lash out at people. Because you don't think about it. Also when you're anrgy learn to walk away. There is a stupilation to this though, and that is that you have to let those around you know to let you walk away [even if for just 3-10 mins]. If you don't let them know they may try and persue you, which can make the anger worse. But if you can learn to step away and think before you lash, it may significantly reduse the number of times you lash out at those near you when you're mad. Just a suggestion, and it might not be something you can do.

Remmy.

thanks remmy for your advice

xxx

[RemmyHun]

thanks remmy for your advice

xxx

Not a problem at all Daisy, and remember... just because someone gives advice, it doesn't mean you have to take it, you should just be willing to consider it. :-D

Remmy.

[gun_747]

Hi Remmy,

I'm putting this out here for outside and or professional opinions. What am I? What might I classify under? Is there even a diagnosis that matches? I've been this way for a long time. 9 years, different levels, stages, but still basically the same.

Welcome to the forums, first off. I would like to congratulate you for your honesty and also your self awareness (it has already been stated by others but I would also like to mention it too). I for one am not always honest with myself but leads to negative consequences ensuing from my actions and my inability at times to perceive them correctly.

Your quote above is what I'll answer here. I hate labels...bpd, ptsd...these psychiatry labels to fit us all into neat boxes that is supposed to scientifically induce who we are and why we are the way we are. To me you are a unique individual,the way we all are, and therefore the way we act is unique at times too.

May I say though that disturbing your post may seem at the start (lack of empathy etc) I gain a huge comfort in seeing how self aware you really are of your actions...if you are able to know what you are doing then you have some control and that is a great thing...one that I will applaud you for at this stage. I do not see you as an evil, negative or bad person for how you feel...because to me, everyone has a light and dark side (I prefer this to the good/bad side). Everyone has the capacity to be both, but if we are self aware of both within ourselves, then we are capable of choosing what to act out on.

This is where I gain most comfort from in your post. Do you see the "light" side of you though...can you think and list those attributes of yourself which are light...good...I can see some from your posts...but I would prefer you see them too

Stevie

[RemmyHun]

Welcome to the forums, first off. I would like to congratulate you for your honesty and also your self awareness (it has already been stated by others but I would also like to mention it too). I for one am not always honest with myself but leads to negative consequences ensuing from my actions and my inability at times to perceive them correctly.

Your quote above is what I'll answer here. I hate labels...bpd, ptsd...these psychiatry labels to fit us all into neat boxes that is supposed to scientifically induce who we are and why we are the way we are. To me you are a unique individual,the way we all are, and therefore the way we act is unique at times too.

May I say though that disturbing your post may seem at the start (lack of empathy etc) I gain a huge comfort in seeing how self aware you really are of your actions...if you are able to know what you are doing then you have some control and that is a great thing...one that I will applaud you for at this stage. I do not see you as an evil, negative or bad person for how you feel...because to me, everyone has a light and dark side (I prefer this to the good/bad side). Everyone has the capacity to be both, but if we are self aware of both within ourselves, then we are capable of choosing what to act out on.

This is where I gain most comfort from in your post. Do you see the "light" side of you though...can you think and list those attributes of yourself which are light...good...I can see some from your posts...but I would prefer you see them too

Stevie

Morning [for me] Stevie,

Thank you for the welcome [times two] and thank you for your input. I value all of those so far who have spoken with me. You bring on a very valid view on lables, and Daisy I believe it was said similar but not quite as clear cut as you did. I suppose I shouldn't bother trying to find what I may or may not be. I've grown attatched to saying "I am what I am" and "It is what it is" perhaps not just because it's convenient, but because it's true.

I prefer light and dark too or if I say bad I tend to quote it. ["bad"] Because good and bad are all a matter of perspectives based on morals and upbringing. More often then not, thinks other people consider "bad" I do not, though I do recognize the beliefs, morals and values of the General Populous. [it would be very counter productive for me if I didn't]. As for me seeing the light side of myself, I do. In fact behind almost all dark attributes is a light motive. [Not always]. I might not be the general populous' idea of a loving and caring woman, but I do my share. The largest stipulation for me is helping others so long as it doesn't have adverse affects on me in such a way as to harm, hinder, or otherwise set me back from my goals. Which are all judgment calls on my end.

The one light quality that sums all of mine is that I am who I am with the interest of helping people. Being the person who can take the blows and still stand tall for those who need me. Which, I whole heartedly admit is a concious choice to steer my darkness in the direction of light.

Remmy.

[daisy duck]

Welcome to the forums, first off. I would like to congratulate you for your honesty and also your self awareness (it has already been stated by others but I would also like to mention it too). I for one am not always honest with myself but leads to negative consequences ensuing from my actions and my inability at times to perceive them correctly.

Your quote above is what I'll answer here. I hate labels...bpd, ptsd...these psychiatry labels to fit us all into neat boxes that is supposed to scientifically induce who we are and why we are the way we are. To me you are a unique individual,the way we all are, and therefore the way we act is unique at times too.

May I say though that disturbing your post may seem at the start (lack of empathy etc) I gain a huge comfort in seeing how self aware you really are of your actions...if you are able to know what you are doing then you have some control and that is a great thing...one that I will applaud you for at this stage. I do not see you as an evil, negative or bad person for how you feel...because to me, everyone has a light and dark side (I prefer this to the good/bad side). Everyone has the capacity to be both, but if we are self aware of both within ourselves, then we are capable of choosing what to act out on.

This is where I gain most comfort from in your post. Do you see the "light" side of you though...can you think and list those attributes of yourself which are light...good...I can see some from your posts...but I would prefer you see them too

Stevie

Morning [for me] Stevie,

Thank you for the welcome [times two] and thank you for your input. I value all of those so far who have spoken with me. You bring on a very valid view on lables, and Daisy I believe it was said similar but not quite as clear cut as you did. I suppose I shouldn't bother trying to find what I may or may not be. I've grown attatched to saying "I am what I am" and "It is what it is" perhaps not just because it's convenient, but because it's true.

I prefer light and dark too or if I say bad I tend to quote it. ["bad"] Because good and bad are all a matter of perspectives based on morals and upbringing. More often then not, thinks other people consider "bad" I do not, though I do recognize the beliefs, morals and values of the General Populous. [it would be very counter productive for me if I didn't]. As for me seeing the light side of myself, I do. In fact behind almost all dark attributes is a light motive. [Not always]. I might not be the general populous' idea of a loving and caring woman, but I do my share. The largest stipulation for me is helping others so long as it doesn't have adverse affects on me in such a way as to harm, hinder, or otherwise set me back from my goals. Which are all judgment calls on my end.

The one light quality that sums all of mine is that I am who I am with the interest of helping people. Being the person who can take the blows and still stand tall for those who need me. Which, I whole heartedly admit is a concious choice to steer my darkness in the direction of light.

Remmy.

hi remmy...good morning to you!

its true theres different perspectives on good and bad and i believe if you do something that is bad it doesnt necessarally make you a bad person.

sometimes we get lost along the way,its a question of finding ourselves

xxx

[RemmyHun]

hi remmy...good morning to you!

its true theres different perspectives on good and bad and i believe if you do something that is bad it doesnt necessarally make you a bad person.

sometimes we get lost along the way,its a question of finding ourselves

xxx

I apologize ahead of time should my posts today be rather negitive. I'm nesteled in my darkness today until I can find something to distract it... or sate it.

I agree it doesn't always make you a bad person. Perhaps my darkness helps me see sometimes and as such despite my good intentions my core is still the same. I'm selfish, I'll kill you just as quickly as I will help you the deciding factor being what will benifit me more. Even my desire to be the strong wall for others is in utter selfishness to feed into this persona of mine. To show the world that it needs people like me, even if in few. And if this post triggers someone I currently have no sypmathy. The word "sociopath" alone should be a warning, as should the nature of the first post. I get irritated by people who don't pay attention, even if it isn't "thier fault". It coensides with the fact stupidity coaxes my violence and once my dark cloud settles its there until I manage a way around it, which I admit, sometimes it's not what I desire.

My darkness is the one place I feel warm and safe. Say what you will, it's probably all true but that doesn't change the fact I like it.

Remmy.

[rain]

I get irritated by people who don't pay attention, even if it isn't "thier fault". It coensides with the fact stupidity coaxes my violence and once my dark cloud settles its there until I manage a way around it, which I admit, sometimes it's not what I desire.

So, you claim to be in a higher position than most people? Is this stupidity you speak of measured in your own subjective terms? Is it not merely a low frustration threshold?

Do spelling mistakes fall under your category of 'stupidity', as you seem to think you are entitled to be this supreme judging figure who can classify us all and then long to shoot us... Then you might be tempted to harm yourself on this occasion.

Sounds a lot like delusions to me.

[RemmyHun]

I get irritated by people who don't pay attention, even if it isn't "thier fault". It coensides with the fact stupidity coaxes my violence and once my dark cloud settles its there until I manage a way around it, which I admit, sometimes it's not what I desire.

So, you claim to be in a higher position than most people? Is this stupidity you speak of measured in your own subjective terms? Is it not merely a low frustration threshold?

Do spelling mistakes fall under your category of 'stupidity', as you seem to think you are entitled to be this supreme judging figure who can classify us all and then long to shoot us... Then you might be tempted to harm yourself on this occasion.

Sounds a lot like delusions to me.

I view myself highly and I admit I also view myself lowly. And yes, I judge and it's not something I feel I'm entitiled to so much as it's a choice I make and a choice I do have the right to make just like everyone else. You made me laugh when you pointed out my spelling, how so very kind of you to attack my flaws because you yourself are feeling defensive? Did I strike a cord with you which has provoked you to personally attack me? I had honestly thought about copy-pasting into word to spell check but I don't feel the need to hide the fact I can't spell. Never have been good at it because phonetics doesn't make sense to me. Just one more thing as proof that I'm far from perfect. Thank you for the amsument.

Shoot, who said anything about shooting someone? What because I've mentioned in a previous post about owning a revolver? Or was that your own assumptions? Most people often associate guns when it comes to people of a violent nature because they believe the people wanting violence are trying to cop out and shooting someone is easy. The act itself is nothing more then peering down the sight and squeezing the trigger. [You squeeze you don't pull it can throw off your aim]. Shoot? I said nothing about shooting anyone.

"Then you might be tempted to harm yourself on this occasion." I admit, I may be misreading this, after all, text only gives you so much information. but it reads like another personal attack on my antics. Well allow me to clarify, yes, I have hurt myself to prevent from harming someone else. I branded myself many times. I punched holes in walls and even have this semi-small piece of 3/4" plywood I use as a punching bag when I need it. My hands probably don't appreciate it, but it's a small price to pay. But you might be glad to know I've not done such a thing in at least 6 months, nor have I harmed anyone, though I am curious. Which do you think is a better release?

Rem.

[rain]

This has not been so much a personal attack towards you, as a questioning of what you believe the term 'Stupidity' to entail?

I mentioned your spelling, as some people associate that sort of thing with 'being smart'. Okay, I happen to notice spelling a bit, and you happen to not find it very important.

So, now I ask you... what is this stupidity that coaxes your violence? I am just curious... it must be a characteristic you only attribute to others, and not yourself. Seeing as you are entitled to judge those - and in turn long/fantasize to hurt them. As if they were 'asking for it'. Were they though? I know that I can get very frustrated at other people sometimes, but it has more to do with me than the other party. I can't cope with my internal chaos and project it on an innocent person. It would be very unfair to actually feel superior to others, just because they have less mental capacity or different interests to you. Something that appears 'stupid' to you, could be seen in its context, surely? From the other person's perspective? Or things could be triggering emotions from the past, and no longer have to do with that actual person at that very time.

I am used to being misunderstood on these boards, or seen as an unfriendly person who goes against the 'code of conduct' on here in regards to support. Mostly, I just prefer to reflect on things more so than give cliched responses. You, as a character, do intrigue me - I must admit. And, yes, I can imagine the shooting may not be as satisfactory as other violent acts. My moods are subject to fluctuation - as are most things about me. I am not so much against you, as interested in where you are coming from.

[RemmyHun]

This has not been so much a personal attack towards you, as a questioning of what you believe the term 'Stupidity' to entail?

I mentioned your spelling, as some people associate that sort of thing with 'being smart'. Okay, I happen to notice spelling a bit, and you happen to not find it very important.

So, now I ask you... what is this stupidity that coaxes your violence? I am just curious... it must be a characteristic you only attribute to others, and not yourself. Seeing as you are entitled to judge those - and in turn long/fantasize to hurt them. As if they were 'asking for it'. Were they though? I know that I can get very frustrated at other people sometimes, but it has more to do with me than the other party. I can't cope with my internal chaos and project it on an innocent person. It would be very unfair to actually feel superior to others, just because they have less mental capacity or different interests to you. Something that appears 'stupid' to you, could be seen in its context, surely? From the other person's perspective? Or things could be triggering emotions from the past, and no longer have to do with that actual person at that very time.

I am used to being misunderstood on these boards, or seen as an unfriendly person who goes against the 'code of conduct' on here in regards to support. Mostly, I just prefer to reflect on things more so than give cliched responses. You, as a character, do intrigue me - I must admit. And, yes, I can imagine the shooting may not be as satisfactory as other violent acts. My moods are subject to fluctuation - as are most things about me. I am not so much against you, as interested in where you are coming from.

FYI, I'm going to be jumping around in my reply, but hopefully I'll touch everything. I'll also be adding side notes to explain things if I think they need further explination.

"I am not so much against you, as interested in where you are coming from." My first thought was I can work with that. Granted I could have been okay either way, I'll be the first to admit knowing your replies are out of curiosity and want to understand rather then back-lash due to inadvertant offence makes me feel less hostile even in my current dark state. [My being hostile isn't always a defense mechanism, though it's that as well. Often times --especially when I'm in my darkness-- my hostility is spawned from excitement be it pleasurable or not.]

"I mentioned your spelling, as some people associate that sort of thing with 'being smart'" Very true, it is often associated with being smart, which might be why I make little effort to correct it. It's importance is circumstantial. In this case, on this board, no it's of little importance to me. [Phonetics doesn't make sense to me. I am also dyslexic. The only reason I spell as well as I do now --or not so well-- is out of sheer memorization of how each word is spelled. Taking the time to think about hitting spell check or to contemplate how I spelled something shifts the tracks in my mind and derails my thoughts in a way slows me down.] Sometimes I take pleasure in people who assume me ignorant because of the fact I can't spell.

This brings me to your next point. "what is this stupidity that coaxes your violence?" Primarily, the lack of common sense. Or, like I said, people who miss things infront of them because they don't pay attention. And, before I reply to this next element let me clarify. The reply to follow is one of the reasons I ever considered that I may be a sociopath, though I've come to find this doesn't exactly fit. You state: "I am just curious... it must be a characteristic you only attribute to others, and not yourself. Seeing as you are entitled to judge those - and in turn long/fantasize to hurt them. As if they were 'asking for it'." No, this is not something only attibuted to other people, it includes myself with even more violence. Namely because I do shun myself for being stupid especially if I know better. And yes, I am entitled to the choice to judge or not to judge. It is my right as a person to choose. I admit, in the eyes of many this is splitting hairs. I can see that logic. And believe it or not, most of the violence scenario's in my head are generic. Meaning not assigned to anyone in particular. It's raw violence, not directed violence. Main exceptions being my parental unit but they are a story all their own. And it doesn't matter to me in most cases if they're asking for it or not. And further more, often times it doesn't even matter if I think --from a broader view-- that they deserve it or not. It is what it is, and just like someone can --just for example-- narc on me for my spelling --or lack there of-- for no real reason other then it's infront of them, I can be provoked by someone's stupidity, even if in their eyes it wasn't stupid. It is what it is. Sometimes, I do take offense when people crack on my spelling, and that is because I am human and it is a flaw I can't do much about --outside of using spell check--. I don't hold it against people because it is what it is. Truth is, spelling is not my strong suit. Truth is, common sense, for some, isn't their strong suit.

"It would be very unfair to actually feel superior to others, just because they have less mental capacity or different interests to you." And this is where people might call me bitter, and perhaps it is true, I haven't decided yet. But lots of things in life aren't fair. I wont even lie about feeling superior to some --though not all and most often simply in different ways-- but even that is irrelivent to me. Often my mind works on a very basic if not primitive level [Admittedly this likely comes off as a contradiction. Like most of my apparent contradicitions they're circumstatial.] so in these cases my mind is hit by the act itself. Or words in those cases. Even if to the person it wasn't stupid, or they can't help it, it doesn't change the fact that in my mind it was moronic. And in my mind it triggers receptors in my brain that coax violence.

The original thought behind "your stupidity coaxes my violence" was that stupid people make me violent. But that's not acurate. No one can make me conciously do anything. Rule #34. [it's always your choice, you choose. RRoE#35- is the exception to 34, being drugged or unconcious.] So, I admit stupidity doesn't "make" me violent, I can't ignore that it brings violence inside me. Hense "coaxes my violence". It coaxes the desire to bring harm which is often done in my mind with faceless nobodies. Because it's not the violence on someone in particular that comes up, its the violence in general.

Rem.

[rain]

And, do you act upon your urges?

Sure, you have the choice... but humans and children also have rights.

Do you have the right to beat up somebody who displays less common sense than to your liking? - or does it all remain in the fantasizing scheme of things?

[RemmyHun]

And, do you act upon your urges?

Sure, you have the choice... but humans and children also have rights.

Do you have the right to beat up somebody who displays less common sense than to your liking? - or does it all remain in the fantasizing scheme of things?

At this moment, no, I do not act phsyically upon my urges, and most often nor do I act mentaly [iE manipulate or attack their psych]. And yes, everyone has rights. And I have the right to make the choice to beat someone up, but as far as the grand scheme of things or as per the views of the general populous based on their morals... I don't have the right to harm someone for being stupid. I acknowledge this. That general concensus says it's wrong, and with it in consideration I agree. But again, it goes back to what that means to me, which is little if I deem it so.

As of this moment, I have no regrets what so ever. I wonder about things, and how they'd be different, but I do not regret any of the actions I have taken in the past, be it physical or mental.

To further detail the violent plotting of mine: I do this to calm my self. To sate Ira, the part of me that answers every problem/annoyance/issue with death, distruction or mayhem. I plot in detail these things because calculating the possibilities, the probabilities and the reactions calms me. It helps me clear my head as "aweful" as it may be to the outside world. I go through such fantasies because they make me smile, they do so much for me it's hard to explain it all without babbling. My plotting/fantasizing/visuallizing was actually a tactic I developed when my pain tolerance got so high branding [even in rapid sucession] stopped working to distract me. I embraced this tactic when I realized it wasn't going away and that I needed to feed it some how or I would explode and I have worked too hard and planned too long to throw it all away because I can't control myself.

Rem.

[Rael]

i can actually relate to an awful lot of what you say and i for one like your rules. from what i can see the rules are not there to be acted upon at will, but should they become necessary, and as you say some of the situations, such as kill or be killed may never occur, but should it occur then i would most definitely abide by it. you have spent a long time working things out for yourself, and although i dont really know how happy you are in yourself, you seem to have got yourself to a place where you can accept who you are and i applaud that.

i fantasize about violence, and have even sought it out yet i have never (and i get the impression you havent and would not either) harm anyone who has not harmed or been a direct threat to myself. the way i have become has been a learned response to the things i have seen and experienced, although i see the way i think and behave as my choice, i also know that without the experiences i have had these responses would never have been considered, at least i dont think so.

i do have more to say, still thinking though and i do admire the acceptance you have with who you are although i myself am still very wary of saying certain things because i guess im still preoccupied with the thoughts of the kinds of things that one should and should not say.

take care

xxx

[RemmyHun]

Rael,

I can admit that not even that long ago I was torn. I loved myself as much as I hated myself but I know --now-- it was because I refused to accept that it was a part of me. I was very stressed out then, and I know from experience now that the more stressed out I am the less control I have becasuse my persona's beging to pull each which way and it's hard to keep it together. These days I've accepted that this darkness is a part of me, but more importantly, that this darkness isn't necessarily evil. I was worried about being evil. I've come to recognize that many may consider it evil, and though it is dark, I don't see it as evil and that has lifted a great weight.

I feel good and happy and joyful more then I feel down, sad or upset. And often I'm happiest and most pleased when I'm nestled into the darker part of my mind which may very well be because that's the place I found my strength in growing up. That is was the one thing I could rely on. Though I have not physically hurt anyone who didn't provoke me first [or someone else] by swinging as it were, I have harmed a few mentally simply out of oppertunity. Most of those cases it was before I learned to control myself, to control how manipulative I can be, but admittedly, some were by choice. I do not regret those choices either, and I know some people might not be able to understand that, but it is what it is.

Take your time in thinking things through, and though I might not be the best person to come to for advice [at least it seems on this board] I'm willing to listen/read and share my views, however unconventional they may be.

Remmy.

[icu_baby]

Remmy,

My two cents worth and my post is not to judge you but to give you practicle advice as you are here for help and even though you say you are comfortable with the mental state that you have conditioned yourself to be in I don't believe you. And I also don't believe for one second that you get pleasure and amusement out of manipulating people. You are not a sociopath.

I think you have been deeply hurt and betrayed and there is alot of anger (which is valid and you have the right to feel this way). I think the rules that you live with (some of them I have heard of and are good values) are a coping mechanism to deal with the pain and suffering that you are in. Im not a psychologist but I think you have built quite a complex defence mechanism to block out all the raw emotions of hurt and injustice that you have experienced.

I can relate to you having dark thoughts of wanting to hurt other people and hurting yourself to prevent you from hurting other people. You are not evil. Alot of people have these dark thoughts and they are just thoughts as long as you don't act on them. If you think that you will then I strongly urge you to go and get emergency help.

You mentioned a psychiatrist who said you were stuborn when you were 16 and how that affected you. Let me just say that that pdoc is just a F***** wanker and its probably good that he ended your sessions because he was not qualified enough to help you. I have had dreadful experiences from pdocs (like being suicidal and being kicked out of a session after 2 minutes). Alot of them need help themselves and I know that it hurts when you needed help so badly at such a young age (and you are still very young) and you get a dickhead like that as your first experience. I urge you to keep looking because you will find a good pdoc. Like lawyers, there are bad ones and good ones. You may need to go to four, five or six psychiatrists to find someone you can build a good theraphetic relationship with.

I am in therapy and I am learning this too and I would like to share what I am still learning. The more energy and time you spend on people who hurt you like the wanker psychiatrist the more poison you are drinking and he (and other people that have hurt you deeply in your life) are not dying, you are dying. Do you think he is even thinking of you all these years later. No, he is getting on with his life and you are suffering. Just notice and acknowledge that you have these dark thoughts and do not judge yourself for having these thoughts, just notice that you have these thoughts, embrace them and let it go. The only way you can get yourself off the hook is to let them off the hook. The best revenge is to live well.

There is a buddishst saying that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional. I can hear your pain about your parents and that psychiatrist. You have accepted this which is good but I can also see you suffering and pain and suffering is much worse than just feeling and sitting with the pain. Suffering is saying (I should have, would have, want to do this to this person who did this to me, I want to get them back, they should not have done that, and this was unfair). You have suffered alot and I can see this by the fact that you live each day with your rigid rules, not trusting people, saying you are opportunistic etc. This is all suffering.

I guess the best example I can give you is Nelson Mendela. As you know he was imprisoned in solitary confinement for 27 years of his life and beaten by the prison guards. He could have gotten out and killed the guards and whites that were responsible for imprisoning him and beating him, he could have put them in jail, executed them, executed them publicly but he didn't. He chose to Let it go and became president and made South Africa the great country it is today. You seem very intelligent and I see you going down a self destructive path and you have a choice not to go down that path. You don't deserve it. I don't want you to end up in jail or worse.

For the moment, don't worry about protecting those who can't protect themselves and concentrate on getting yourself better. You can't do two things at once.

Are you in therapy? You need to find a good psychiatrist and psychologist and discuss all the issues and rules that you wrote in this forum. Print it out and give it to them. Like I said it might take a while to find someone so keep looking and find someone you can trust and feel safe with.

There are alot of people that are willing to help you and you have done what you had to do to survive in a harsh environment (like finding strength in your dark thoughts because that is all that you had). You are intelligent and I think that your acceptance of what is means you are on the right path. The most important thing is your happiness or contentment in life and I hope you find it.

Everyone on this forum has offered you excellent advice and they wouldn't be spending the time responding to you if they didn't care, even if you sensed some as a personal attacks. I still think that you need professional help because alot of what you said is very deep stuff (and you write alot!) although this forum can definitely be an additional support.

Forget the labels, you are a human being who deserves happiness (as we all do). There are some things that you cannot change (like what injustices happened to you in the past) and some things you can change and its important to know the difference.

Have you also looked at doing dialectical behaviour therapy?

cheers

icu_baby

[roxy222]

I get irritated by people who don't pay attention, even if it isn't "thier fault". It coensides with the fact stupidity coaxes my violence and once my dark cloud settles its there until I manage a way around it, which I admit, sometimes it's not what I desire.

So, you claim to be in a higher position than most people? Is this stupidity you speak of measured in your own subjective terms? Is it not merely a low frustration threshold?

Do spelling mistakes fall under your category of 'stupidity', as you seem to think you are entitled to be this supreme judging figure who can classify us all and then long to shoot us... Then you might be tempted to harm yourself on this occasion.

Sounds a lot like delusions to me.

people who react this way to others have low emotional intelligence, and a lack of compassion for themselves and tend to be intolerant towards others who have the charateristns they despise in themselves

[nuclearwinter]

I restrain my sociopathic tendencies to music, literature and film. I watch terribly depraved and violent movies which I smuggle in from Japan like Guinea Piggu. I listen to obscene gangsta rap with DMX threatening to rape 14 year old girls. I read transgressive literature like the 120 Days of Sodom. Getting rid of my misanthropy and sociopathy through art enables me tohave empathy for people and respect them, although I am a terrible intellectual snob I must admit...

nuclearwinter x