The Good Sociopath...

[Rael]

i watch films like that and read similar book for the same purpose, hadnt heard of those films and am getting now, thanks.

Remmy, i myself am not worried about my thoughts of violence, i fully accept them as a part of myself and have no fear of these demons, my only caution is who else knows about them, i know someone at work for whom i am extremely thankful as he is of a similar mindset and some of the conversations we have would sicken most people yet when i feel i am struggling i go to him and he calms me and allows me to delve into this part of my nature. without being able to do this my destructive tendencies would have overwhelmed me long before now. they come out when they need to come out, i have feared them overwhelming me but i know that for now i do have control and i decide what comes out and when. i have found a safe haven for my thoughts and fantasies and for the time being it keeps me going.

xxx

[RemmyHun]

Remmy,

My two cents worth and my post is not to judge you but to give you practicle advice as you are here for help and even though you say you are comfortable with the mental state that you have conditioned yourself to be in I don't believe you. And I also don't believe for one second that you get pleasure and amusement out of manipulating people. You are not a sociopath.

I think you have been deeply hurt and betrayed and there is alot of anger (which is valid and you have the right to feel this way). I think the rules that you live with (some of them I have heard of and are good values) are a coping mechanism to deal with the pain and suffering that you are in. Im not a psychologist but I think you have built quite a complex defence mechanism to block out all the raw emotions of hurt and injustice that you have experienced.

I can relate to you having dark thoughts of wanting to hurt other people and hurting yourself to prevent you from hurting other people. You are not evil. Alot of people have these dark thoughts and they are just thoughts as long as you don't act on them. If you think that you will then I strongly urge you to go and get emergency help.

You mentioned a psychiatrist who said you were stuborn when you were 16 and how that affected you. Let me just say that that pdoc is just a F***** wanker and its probably good that he ended your sessions because he was not qualified enough to help you. I have had dreadful experiences from pdocs (like being suicidal and being kicked out of a session after 2 minutes). Alot of them need help themselves and I know that it hurts when you needed help so badly at such a young age (and you are still very young) and you get a dickhead like that as your first experience. I urge you to keep looking because you will find a good pdoc. Like lawyers, there are bad ones and good ones. You may need to go to four, five or six psychiatrists to find someone you can build a good theraphetic relationship with.

I am in therapy and I am learning this too and I would like to share what I am still learning. The more energy and time you spend on people who hurt you like the wanker psychiatrist the more poison you are drinking and he (and other people that have hurt you deeply in your life) are not dying, you are dying. Do you think he is even thinking of you all these years later. No, he is getting on with his life and you are suffering. Just notice and acknowledge that you have these dark thoughts and do not judge yourself for having these thoughts, just notice that you have these thoughts, embrace them and let it go. The only way you can get yourself off the hook is to let them off the hook. The best revenge is to live well.

There is a buddishst saying that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional. I can hear your pain about your parents and that psychiatrist. You have accepted this which is good but I can also see you suffering and pain and suffering is much worse than just feeling and sitting with the pain. Suffering is saying (I should have, would have, want to do this to this person who did this to me, I want to get them back, they should not have done that, and this was unfair). You have suffered alot and I can see this by the fact that you live each day with your rigid rules, not trusting people, saying you are opportunistic etc. This is all suffering.

I guess the best example I can give you is Nelson Mendela. As you know he was imprisoned in solitary confinement for 27 years of his life and beaten by the prison guards. He could have gotten out and killed the guards and whites that were responsible for imprisoning him and beating him, he could have put them in jail, executed them, executed them publicly but he didn't. He chose to Let it go and became president and made South Africa the great country it is today. You seem very intelligent and I see you going down a self destructive path and you have a choice not to go down that path. You don't deserve it. I don't want you to end up in jail or worse.

For the moment, don't worry about protecting those who can't protect themselves and concentrate on getting yourself better. You can't do two things at once.

Are you in therapy? You need to find a good psychiatrist and psychologist and discuss all the issues and rules that you wrote in this forum. Print it out and give it to them. Like I said it might take a while to find someone so keep looking and find someone you can trust and feel safe with.

There are alot of people that are willing to help you and you have done what you had to do to survive in a harsh environment (like finding strength in your dark thoughts because that is all that you had). You are intelligent and I think that your acceptance of what is means you are on the right path. The most important thing is your happiness or contentment in life and I hope you find it.

Everyone on this forum has offered you excellent advice and they wouldn't be spending the time responding to you if they didn't care, even if you sensed some as a personal attacks. I still think that you need professional help because alot of what you said is very deep stuff (and you write alot!) although this forum can definitely be an additional support.

Forget the labels, you are a human being who deserves happiness (as we all do). There are some things that you cannot change (like what injustices happened to you in the past) and some things you can change and its important to know the difference.

Have you also looked at doing dialectical behaviour therapy?

cheers

icu_baby

icu_baby,

I admit, I'm impulsive sometimes in the sense that I want to reply to something before I read it all and such was the case when I began reading what you'd wrote. However, I made it a point to read it in totality before writing this reply and I must say it amused me greatly. People are such curious creatures and sometimes even predictable [myself included]. When I read that you didn't believe me I chuckled a little and continued to read because I wanted to know why you were so sure I was not being honest. I could be wrong but based on what you've said it's almost as if you don't believe it's possible to actually find pleasure or delight the way I do, and I respect that. We're all entitled to our views and outlooks. I've never denied that the events in my life hurt me, they did, in fact they are the things, the people who have molded me into the person I am. But even so, it's my choices based on these events that define me. The fact you consider my rules "rigid" only tells me you don't comprehend their purpose, which too, is alright. It's not something I expected anyone here to truely grasp though a few have to my surprise. I wish that I could show you my life as it is now. I wish there was a way you could walk with me or even see through my eyes, but alas such things aren't possible.

Based on your reply I'm inclinded to believe you've either read this entire thread, and or my other threads, and yet you still seem to have missed a few things. I've already said I am not evil, though I recognize that in the eyes of some I am. They're entitled to believe what they so wish, it's effects on me are minimal depending on the cercumstances. And yes, I've already stated too, that my emotional represion was because of my pain as a child. Again, those events have molded me, but it's my choices that define me. I've chosen to exploit this ability and condition myself to Master it. I'm not perfect with this control but I'm damn good and it is something I'm very proud of. As do I find comfort in my anger. I do have a lot of it, and it does have to do with my past, but it's also part of my future. I would say the only people I still hold a grudge against are my parents but even them I feel the need to thank because without them and how they were to me, I would not be who I am. They annoy me, but I know outside of killing them or ruining their psych there's nothing to be done, and even doing the afformentioned isn't worth it to me. Like I said, I've worked too hard, too long to get closer to my goals. I'll not be tossing it away.

I find amusment in your insistance that I need to see a pdoc, and when I was younger it would have probably been a great idea of this I don't doubt. But even you admit these pdocs are often indeed of help themselves, and that it might require me seeing many before I find one that suits. To me, that's a huge waste of time now. In the end the only person who can truly help you is yourself. Other people, pdocs or otherwise merely provide other views and help you see things you'd otherwise not see. But the bottom line still comes down to you. If you have no intentions of changing, nothing can be done. And why would I want to change? So that I may fit into the populous better? So I can appease other people who are offended by me? I think not. My only care as to if you believe me or not is in whether or not your disbelief driven replied waste my time or not.

You tell me to embrace it and let it go. The things that will not help me, I do let go, because in that way I'm very practical. If it wont help me in some way it's useless. I feel the same way about people. Which is one of many reasons I am the way I am. I don't understand how you can see how fun and delightful it can be to manipulate people. It's facinating how people react to different things. It's exciting even and very much pleasurable whether you want to see it or not. To you it might be cruel and you may have a hard time admitting that despite your beliefs people see things differently. I acknowledge others see it as cruel, but it's such a great learning tool, and frankly if they can be manipulated it's on them. Just the same as if I couldn't defend myself for some reason, or someone manipulates me, that's on me. And that's how I see it. I've already said, as well, I'm not a sociopath, they're reckless, careless, and often don't have the comprehention. And maybe that's another reason you can't bring yourself to believe I can be happy the way I am. Because how could someone who comprehends and understands other people's pain, and how such acts can and will effect them, how can someone like that find pleasure in causing the pain without feeling pain themseleves? I wish I could explain it but I can't. It just feels right. It's my equilibrium.

This is long and I'm jumping all over the place, lol, but my mind runs many trains at the same time. "Suffering is saying (I should have, would have, want to do this to this person who did this to me, I want to get them back, they should not have done that, and this was unfair). You have suffered alot and I can see this by the fact that you live each day with your rigid rules, not trusting people, saying you are opportunistic etc. This is all suffering."This is one of the things that raised my brow the most, because I'm not sure where you got some of it. I don't bother with shoulda-woulda-coulda-if-why etc. I don't toil with things considered "unfair" because many things are unfair, and dwelling on them gets you no where. Who I am isn't about other people, it's about me. My desire to help others, isn't really about helping others, so much as it's about helping myself by helping others.

To conclude, since I might have gone off on a tangent, I respect your belief that I am not being honest, and I value your input. If I do seek a pdoc it will be for that professional opinion on one thing or another, which is the basis of why I came here. To talk things out because I enjoy it.

Remmy.

[RemmyHun]

I restrain my sociopathic tendencies to music, literature and film. I watch terribly depraved and violent movies which I smuggle in from Japan like Guinea Piggu. I listen to obscene gangsta rap with DMX threatening to rape 14 year old girls. I read transgressive literature like the 120 Days of Sodom. Getting rid of my misanthropy and sociopathy through art enables me tohave empathy for people and respect them, although I am a terrible intellectual snob I must admit...

nuclearwinter x

First off, thank you for posting. Movies, books, music etc don't have the same satisfaction as going through the motions first hand. It's not enough. Besides, I have a great system going, keeps me in control. So if people get hurt it's not by accident. As for empathy and respect, both are circumstatial for me. It all comes down to what benifits me most. I'm selfish.

Remmy.

[RemmyHun]

i watch films like that and read similar book for the same purpose, hadnt heard of those films and am getting now, thanks.

Remmy, i myself am not worried about my thoughts of violence, i fully accept them as a part of myself and have no fear of these demons, my only caution is who else knows about them, i know someone at work for whom i am extremely thankful as he is of a similar mindset and some of the conversations we have would sicken most people yet when i feel i am struggling i go to him and he calms me and allows me to delve into this part of my nature. without being able to do this my destructive tendencies would have overwhelmed me long before now. they come out when they need to come out, i have feared them overwhelming me but i know that for now i do have control and i decide what comes out and when. i have found a safe haven for my thoughts and fantasies and for the time being it keeps me going.

xxx

Rael,

I can honestly say that is something I would enjoy very much. Being able to actually talk details with someone. I've tried to speak with my Twin, but she can't take it and refuses to listen so I don't talk. For the most part I speak with Ira, Mark and Nev [my persona's] and that's usually enough for me. And when it's not, I do have someone online I recently met who too shares many qualities [though not quite as dark] and he and I talk a bit which is nice. It's nice, though he still has a lot more work to do on his own control. So partly I feel I'm more help to him then he is to me, but for now it works. I'm pretty much right where I intended to be in this stage of my development. I'm heading into the next stage which I can only hope will goes as well as this one has.

Remmy.

[roxy222]

I restrain my sociopathic tendencies to music, literature and film. I watch terribly depraved and violent movies which I smuggle in from Japan like Guinea Piggu. I listen to obscene gangsta rap with DMX threatening to rape 14 year old girls. I read transgressive literature like the 120 Days of Sodom. Getting rid of my misanthropy and sociopathy through art enables me tohave empathy for people and respect them, although I am a terrible intellectual snob I must admit...

nuclearwinter x

Im an intelectual snob too, compulsive reader also

[RemmyHun]

And this is where I sound stupid. -admits it-... What exactly is an "intelectual snob". I must say that's a new one for me.

[nuclearwinter]

An intellectual snob is someone who looks down on other people for their lack of good intellectual taste. For instance I despise women who read 'chick-lit', I think there are only 10 universities worth attending in the UK and Ireland and if you haven't been to them, your degree is worth nothing. I hate people who haven't heard of or appreciated the films of Ingmar Bergman, Robert Bresson and Pier Paolo Pasolini - anyone who watches mainstream Hollywood has no brains. I look down on people who don't know anything about opera (even tho I listen mainly to hardcore gangsta rap!). I don't outwardly treat them differently but inside I feel superior. I will only date men who have PhDs.

nuclearwinter x

[RemmyHun]

An intellectual snob is someone who looks down on other people for their lack of good intellectual taste. For instance I despise women who read 'chick-lit', I think there are only 10 universities worth attending in the UK and Ireland and if you haven't been to them, your degree is worth nothing. I hate people who haven't heard of or appreciated the films of Ingmar Bergman, Robert Bresson and Pier Paolo Pasolini - anyone who watches mainstream Hollywood has no brains. I look down on people who don't know anything about opera (even tho I listen mainly to hardcore gangsta rap!). I don't outwardly treat them differently but inside I feel superior. I will only date men who have PhDs.

nuclearwinter x

Ah. That makes sense, though I'm from the USA, so I don't even know what "Chick-lit" is unless you're talking about like... erm romance novals and crap. What we might consider "Chick-flick" movie wise. And I also freely admit I have not heard of any of those films and am completely guilty of watching Mainstream Hollywood. . My knowledge of Opera isn't non-existant, but it's small. Anyroad.

Remmy.

[roxy222]

An intellectual snob is someone who looks down on other people for their lack of good intellectual taste. For instance I despise women who read 'chick-lit', I think there are only 10 universities worth attending in the UK and Ireland and if you haven't been to them, your degree is worth nothing. I hate people who haven't heard of or appreciated the films of Ingmar Bergman, Robert Bresson and Pier Paolo Pasolini - anyone who watches mainstream Hollywood has no brains. I look down on people who don't know anything about opera (even tho I listen mainly to hardcore gangsta rap!). I don't outwardly treat them differently but inside I feel superior. I will only date men who have PhDs.

nuclearwinter x

i wouldnt classify myself as judging others or looking down on them, I just cant be bothered with the mainstream crap that seems to entertain the masses. for me its all about what I read, but I also prefer the more rebelious intellectual literature. Personally i think degrees are a joke in general, I got one with no effort whatsoever, litterally never went to lectures, read and wrote what I wanted intstead of whats expected, and did virtually no work and still got great grades. i prefer the self eductaed route, much more intresting than following socially retarded professors

[RemmyHun]

i wouldnt classify myself as judging others or looking down on them, I just cant be bothered with the mainstream crap that seems to entertain the masses. for me its all about what I read, but I also prefer the more rebelious intellectual literature. Personally i think degrees are a joke in general, I got one with no effort whatsoever, litterally never went to lectures, read and wrote what I wanted intstead of whats expected, and did virtually no work and still got great grades. i prefer the self eductaed route, much more intresting than following socially retarded professors

lmao. I seem to fit somewhere in the middle I suppose. I'm picky on what I read but much of my education has to do with being self taught. I'd also like to point out that there are different levels of intelligence. IE: Street Smart vs Book Smart. Life isn't always text book, sometimes it requires real life experience or understanding to comprehend. My Twin for example is very intelligent when it comes to being book-smart, I however am more stree-smart as it were. Common sense being a key point. Often when we're together, people mistake me for being smarter simply because my intelligence has every day real life applications, where hers doesn't always.

I hope I'm making sense here. I think some degree's are good, but I also agree with you Roxy in that a lot of them are a joke. But again, we're all entitled to our opinions which come from our perspective on things.

Remmy.

[daisy duck]

Hi there...hope no-one minds me getting in on this convosation!

I find it so interesting to read different oppinions like this i really do.

I personally dont see myself as superior regardless of my job,intelligence or what i watch on tv.

I actually prefer to write rather than watch tv but if i need a pick me up,something to make me smile i stick sex and the city on!its a feel good programme/film that makes me laugh and frankly i will do anything to make myself feel betterSometimes i feel like reading crap/gossip magazines...they take my mind off my own life and are a welcome distaction

I am a deep,intelligent person with many insecurities and i it does not matter to me what people think of me,whether i am intelligent or thick.

I do what i do and its very interesting to read another persons perspective on the subject

xxx

[nuclearwinter]

An intellectual snob is someone who looks down on other people for their lack of good intellectual taste. For instance I despise women who read 'chick-lit', I think there are only 10 universities worth attending in the UK and Ireland and if you haven't been to them, your degree is worth nothing. I hate people who haven't heard of or appreciated the films of Ingmar Bergman, Robert Bresson and Pier Paolo Pasolini - anyone who watches mainstream Hollywood has no brains. I look down on people who don't know anything about opera (even tho I listen mainly to hardcore gangsta rap!). I don't outwardly treat them differently but inside I feel superior. I will only date men who have PhDs.

nuclearwinter x

i wouldnt classify myself as judging others or looking down on them, I just cant be bothered with the mainstream crap that seems to entertain the masses. for me its all about what I read, but I also prefer the more rebelious intellectual literature. Personally i think degrees are a joke in general, I got one with no effort whatsoever, litterally never went to lectures, read and wrote what I wanted intstead of whats expected, and did virtually no work and still got great grades. i prefer the self eductaed route, much more intresting than following socially retarded professors

My first degree at St Andrews demanded 3 As at Alevel for entrance and I HAD to study my arse off to get a good degree. It was really high-powered stuff and they demanded lecture and tutorial attendance or else you got kicked out. The professors were all up their own arses and it was very competitive stuff. Interestingly, I have been offered and got more jobs for having OCR/RSA Word Processing Level 2 - a piss-easy qualification I did in 6 two hour lessons than any of my 4 degrees have ever gotten me. I actually have to downplay my qualifications to get jobs but I don't really give a shit. Education is my life, I am only happy when I am studying so I will continue doing crappy degrees til the sky turns green. As long as I have the money to pay for my courses I am happy.

nuclearwinter x

[RemmyHun]

Hi there...hope no-one minds me getting in on this convosation!

I find it so interesting to read different oppinions like this i really do.

I personally dont see myself as superior regardless of my job,intelligence or what i watch on tv.

I actually prefer to write rather than watch tv but if i need a pick me up,something to make me smile i stick sex and the city on!its a feel good programme/film that makes me laugh and frankly i will do anything to make myself feel betterSometimes i feel like reading crap/gossip magazines...they take my mind off my own life and are a welcome distaction

I am a deep,intelligent person with many insecurities and i it does not matter to me what people think of me,whether i am intelligent or thick.

I do what i do and its very interesting to read another persons perspective on the subject

xxx

Cheers to that Daisy! The extent of my care about what others think of me is purely anylitical. It's directly related to my desire to further understand human nature because understanding it in a vast range aids in prediction and manipulation. But in anycase, thanks for joining in!.

Remmy.

I think there are only 10 universities worth attending in the UK and Ireland and if you haven't been to them, your degree is worth nothing.

My first degree at St Andrews demanded 3 As at Alevel for entrance and I HAD to study my arse off to get a good degree. It was really high-powered stuff and they demanded lecture and tutorial attendance or else you got kicked out. The professors were all up their own arses and it was very competitive stuff. Interestingly, I have been offered and got more jobs for having OCR/RSA Word Processing Level 2 - a piss-easy qualification I did in 6 two hour lessons than any of my 4 degrees have ever gotten me. I actually have to downplay my qualifications to get jobs but I don't really give a shit. Education is my life, I am only happy when I am studying so I will continue doing crappy degrees til the sky turns green. As long as I have the money to pay for my courses I am happy.

nuclearwinter x

I find it very facinating that you believe only degrees from specific schools are worth a damn, and yet you've had the most sucess in the "real world" with one that you didn't even have to try for. And I don't mean that to be at all insulting, I'm genuininly facinated by this. It solidifies in my mind that the best degree's in the world are only worth their demand. So without an active "real world" application they could be classified as "useless knowledge" which we're all full of in some way.

I'd be very interested to know if anyone else has any other views in relation to this.

Remmy.

[Rael]

i took my degree only because i was fascinated by the subject (psychology - specifically forensic and parapsychology) very early on. although there are many practical uses for it in the real world i simply do not find the need (as of yet) to work in that chosen field, mine is purely academic interest. and just as a note, although many people may consider only certain universities 'worth' going to i chose mine not because it was a generally good or well respected one, but because it was one of the only ones in the country to specialize in my specified interests. it could have been the shittiest uni in the country in everything else but the fact that its one of the best (and one of only a few) in its field for this one thing would have drawn me to it regardless.

it amuses me to think that for all the other aspects of psychology i covered, very little of it bore any relation to the actual outside world and i have learned more of human psychology since i left than i ever could have there. even so i still intend to go back when finances permit because i am filled with a need to learn new things, only now i know that i should not rely on a course or textbook to tell me how things are, a good blend of both books and learning from real interactions are always best.

xxx

[nuclearwinter]

Rael I wish I'd done psychology, not International Fucking Relations.

nuclearwinter x

[roxy222]

I also think that real life skills are more important than book smarts, I guess i have both, but the latter is for my own intrest and development, nothing more. I was the only non private school kid on my course at uni, they all had their own flats, cars, two months forgien hols every summer, all curtosy of mummy and daddy, they took part in all the uni societys, got perefct grades and excellent recommendations from professors, hen they got to the real world and were laughed at. I had to work to pay my bills, often 50 plus hrs per wk ontop of uni, never went on hols or had time for extra curicular blah, Im lucky enough to have a high iq so despite never turning up for class and having severe adhd and disgraphia I got good grades, but not perfect and no professors looking out for me or nepatism from knowing all the right society people, however because Iv allways had to work and learnt to deal with real life situations Iv done evry well at work. Iv worked with violent offenders, kids in care, people with learning disabilities, and now mental health, Iv allways found that Iv earned their respect and trust, adapted to all situations, solved probelsm well, calmed crisises, got on with all types of people, when Iv came acoss people like those I went to uni with they have been worse than useless, allways causing problems or making things worse, I guess they had no people skills and you need these to see though a teenagers manipulations, or pick up on subtle signals that things arent right with someone. I think my snobbishness is limited to culture, and even then I prefer what I find intresting, not what some professor says important, for me I dont see the point in listening to someone who says the samething year in year out, I like discovering what I see as relevant, but thats just my personal preference.

[Pynn]

Hmm. I've been watching many documentaries on intergalactic space etc. It just makes me realise how small everyone, including you, actually is. Our planet is not even a speck of dust. We're so so tiny we don't matter AT ALL. Including you. Watch the same documentaries and you'll know how insignificant I am, how insignificant YOU are, and how insignificant everyone else is.

Apparently, the world you live in revolves around you. I actually quite enjoy the knowledge of 'space' being so uncomprehensibly big.

And all that space is right there, when we look up at the sky. It's right there, and we don't even see it despite it's vastness.

Maybe it's time for you to wake up and look outside 'your' solar system?

Just putting in my 2cents. I felt inspired, and annoyed. So I posted this. If you find it bullshit, that's fine. At least I posted and don't have to regret not doing it. :)

[hummm_mabbe]

I'm putting this out here for outside and or professional opinions. What am I? What might I classify under? Is there even a diagnosis that matches? I've been this way for a long time. 9 years, different levels, stages, but still basically the same.

The Truths:

- I'm emotionally disconnected. I have emotions and feelings, but I think before I feel and I can control if use my emotions or my logic or both.

- I'm violent minded. When I go to sleep, I plot death, torture and mayhem. I calculate the probabilities, and the details of cruel acts and it calms me down. It helps me sleep.

- I have a general desire to only harm someone for the good of another. IE self defense. Though in concept, and in my heart as far as I know, I'm alright with it not being in defense, I'd simply prefer it to be in good reason.

- I'm very manipulative. I've gotten good at manipulating people [the ways I do it are vast]

- I do take pleasure in other people's pain. It's a morbid sense of amusement. When I end up in a position to make someone very uncomfortable, or irritated or in pain, it brings me a bit of delight.

- I'm merciless and unsympathetic. But I am very understanding. I understand people's pain. I understand their point of view, their discomfort, but I almost always have no sympathy. I have no desire to show mercy.

- I have an adaptive personality. I adapt my personality to better blend, communicate or understand a situation or group of people. However, every time I do, I'm not so much putting up a façade as I'm channeling a persona.

- I have four persona's. They are a part of me. Nevonka is my rationality and objective kind heartedness. Mark is my merciless, laid back, to the point nonchalance. Ira is death, destruction, mayhem and torture. And I am Remmy, the main persona who is the wrangler of the other three.

The above are just quick notes. I'm not a sad or depressed person, though I had been once because I was conflicted with morals I didn't even understand. I spent 9 years training myself to be who I am and it feels right. It feels great. I love who I am and how I'm always evolving. I love to learn and develop. I love my self-control and I love taking control just as much as I love sitting back and watching the chaos that is life. So, I ask, what am I? I've only recently met another person who is very much like me, shares the above qualitative though he's not quite as "dark" as I am. I'm not shy or shamed, I know some people think me evil and I'm okay with that. I know it has a lot to do with their morals and perspective. I don't hold it against them either, it is what it is. I am who I am. But I ask "what" am I because I want to know if this -is- something, or if I'm just simple person with a different way of looking at things as a whole. I titled it "The Good Scociopath" because in many ways I can be considered a sociopath, but the differences are, I'm not reckless. I have full and complete understanding of the consenquences. I understand the results of my actions, what I do or could do to people. In in fact, running the endless scinarios through my head is something I do regularly. So.. am I just a pecular person or something else? I'm just curious. I want outside opinions because we can only self anyalize so much.

Remmy.

With the elements of manipulativeness, combined with a lack of actual emotional distress eg obvious depression, enjoyment of others pain, plus the tendency to change to a persona (if its to bring about a situation that you want), then my initial feelings are either narcissistic or anti-social personality disorder. APD would bring up the desire to hurt others, and usually there is no concern whether the person is in pain. Do you have any record of criminal actions at all? Very often APDs are extensively involved with the police. They are often the guys who run scams and cons, and are very good at them because they tend to be convincing and charming, but lack remorse or sympathy. They are fully aware of the consequences and simply scheme to avoid them. It would be interesting to know if you experience any anxiety or shyness.

Any depression or emptiness in both disorders will be extremely buried and little understood, as the many compensations that you describe stop you from feeling any of the bad stuff that may be lurking underneath. Most people with NPD very rarely are aware of their depression because they find someone or something to shore them up very quickly, and will do anything to avoid feeling depressed. Its only through treatment that they begin to see whats truly underneath, and will maintain until then that everything is fine. However most NPDs or APDs only get into therapy as a result of others pushing them, or in the case of APD, being required to by law as the result of an incident. You may feel, genuinely, that you are not unhappy and that there is no depression - however, a person with genuinely healthy emotions has empathy and concern, and does not wish to harm others, usually because they have not been harmed or mistreated themselves. They have had their needs for nurturing, empathy, protection, acceptance, guidance and unconditional love fulfilled. NPD sufferers in particular seek to "aggrandise their parents" - that is, to see their parents as perfect, almost utopian eg to see a physically abusive father as 'firm but fair', or an alcoholic mother as 'having problems but tried her best'. The reality upon genuine exploration is normally completely different, the end result being esseintially a neglected and abused child, but the NPD sufferer will be initially unable to see that due to the extremely thick rose tinted spectacles that prevent them seeing reality. This keeps them stuck in a pattern of manipulation and in many cases, outright abuse, perhaps replicating their past and 'making sure they are never the abused one again'.

Both types are usually aware of their behaviour and feel it is acceptable, as a result of feelings such as guilt or remorse being so buried by their personas.

I have not read as much on NPD/ APD as I have BPD, and I havent read this whole thread - just the opening post. Its unlikely that you would ever feel any drive to enter therapy, but the fact that you have found and are posting on this site suggests to me that you sense something is wrong. It might be worth exploring that as with many APD / NPD sufferers its not until something extreme happens that they end up seeking help. Even then, it will tend to be only to "get rid of weak feelings" like depression, so they can get back to their old, barricaded and 'hard' self. Most will leave therapy once depression subsides, leaving the real issues untreated, so riding a rollercoaster of peaks and troughs as their problems cause ongoing pain for others and ultimately, them. Usually an NPD will enter therapy when a source of admiration or approval has left them - eg, a boyfriend or admirer leaves them due to being fed up, or perhaps a failure at work. An NPD will likely crash at this point if no replacement can be found, and they will seek therapy to treat the depression only. If it passes, they see no point in staying therapy as after all, it is not them that usually suffers as a result of their behaviour - its others. This is what the disorders are designed to do, insulate the person from pain by ensuring that it always goes outwards. One departure from this pattern is when a person that emulates an abusive parent - that combination of "harsh but fair" - but in combination with strong sexual attraction - comes into the NPD /APD sufferers life. The tables will tend to turn, and the person will then tend to become the willing player in the new arrivals game. A vicious circle of abuse, rupture, forgiveness, reunification, abuse will then emerge until one or the other tires of it or is severely injured. Even then the relationship may remain intact.

For these reasons NPD and APD are very rarely treated.

The complication is that you seem to desrcibe alters - other personalities, which is like Dissociative Identity Disorder. That makes for a greater complexity and I dont know very much about this disorder. If you do have DID then exploring your past for what it really is may be a real turning point for you. Many folks with DID have been extensively abused - however by its nature, dissociation is desgined to block out the pain, and even memories, of that abuse.

If you entered therapy its perhaps unlikely in the first instance that any psych would consider the PD options - normally you need to have seen them numerous times over years before it will occur to anyone. For this reason you are most likely to be offered antidepressants if you are feeling depressed, then later perhaps CBT. Again this will only treat major symtpoms such as depression or anxiety. If you do have deeper issues such as NPD or APD, a therapy such as psychodynamic, inner child, cognitive analytic or schema therapy is likely to be needed.

Im not a psychiatrist, these are my views and opinions baded on many years of reading and personal experience.

[hummm_mabbe]

Something worth noting is the 'famous' reaction between BPD's and NPD's. As it tends to reproduce the abuser / victim dynamic, there tends to be a magnetic draw between the two, one based on tension. This is often seen in romantic relationships and is similar to the sadmasochistic idea - one person is victimised, the other does the victimisation. Its more of a compulsion than a desire.

On a forum it can just make for tension.

[RemmyHun]

Hmm. I've been watching many documentaries on intergalactic space etc. It just makes me realise how small everyone, including you, actually is. Our planet is not even a speck of dust. We're so so tiny we don't matter AT ALL. Including you. Watch the same documentaries and you'll know how insignificant I am, how insignificant YOU are, and how insignificant everyone else is.

Apparently, the world you live in revolves around you. I actually quite enjoy the knowledge of 'space' being so uncomprehensibly big.

And all that space is right there, when we look up at the sky. It's right there, and we don't even see it despite it's vastness.

Maybe it's time for you to wake up and look outside 'your' solar system?

Just putting in my 2cents. I felt inspired, and annoyed. So I posted this. If you find it bullshit, that's fine. At least I posted and don't have to regret not doing it.

Nope, not bullshit at all. In fact this is proof that there is a difference between Truth and Fact. It is a Fact that our solar system is vast and that in the large scheme of things this planet and the things on it are just tiny pieces of an inconcevably big puzzle as it were. It's however not a Fact, but a truth that we're insignificant. As truths are based on opinions and perspectives, facts are unquestioned.

It is then a truth in your eyes, to you in your prospective of things, that you, and I, and everyone else mean nothing at all. We are insignificant and unimportant. My response to such truths is why not, since we're of no importance, do we exist? Why then, if we're so insignificant, don't you device a plan to annihilate us all, and then yourself? I'm not saying this as a crude response, though i admit it probably reads this way. I am being quite serious in asking these questions. I ask because I am curious of the response.

I believe in the truth that though it is fact we are such a tiny part of the vastness, that we're not insignificant, though nor are we all significant. Our significance to this world and the people in it, are directly proportioned to those who know, see and are impacted by us, and their views of us from their prospective and beliefs.

That is my 3 cents.

Remmy.

[RemmyHun]

First off, thank you for your input. I think you're probably the only one to go at this from an analytical point of view, rather then a supportive one or unsupportive [not that either are bad] view. I'm going to split up your reply to answer your questions/statement and comments as best I can. If I miss anything, let me know.

Do you have any record of criminal actions at all? Very often APDs are extensively involved with the police. They are often the guys who run scams and cons, and are very good at them because they tend to be convincing and charming, but lack remorse or sympathy. They are fully aware of the consequences and simply scheme to avoid them. It would be interesting to know if you experience any anxiety or shyness.

I was "arrested" for shop-lifting when I was 17. I quote it because it was really just them escorting me to the back of the store until my mother [Whom I wasn't living with anymore] signed some paper work [because she was still my legal gaurdian]. Out side of that and some speeding tickets and seatbelt tickets...no. I have no criminal record what so ever. However, to answer if I've been involved in criminal activity? Yes. Do I experience anxiety or shyness? No shyness. I'm not a shy person. Anxiety? Not enough for me to confidently say yes. I believe I have before, yes, but can I recall any situations? No.

a person with genuinely healthy emotions has empathy and concern, and does not wish to harm others, usually because they have not been harmed or mistreated themselves.

I have empathy in the sense I understand people's pain, and how it feels [or likely feels] as well as how it impacts people in a multitude of ways. I have concern, but it's very circumstantial as is my desire to harm others. It's not that I go out of my way to harm people [though I have before] but rather a "crime" of opportunity, where I find delight in the results more then I find any pain, regret or discomfort.

NPD sufferers in particular seek to "aggrandise their parents"

This most definitely does NOT apply to me. Though I don't hate them for my childhood, I do know much of how I am is a result of their actions and my reaction and perception. There is no sugar coating or rose colored glasses in the way I see them, or anyone else for that matter. I can be biased, but in such cases it's only for lack of information.

Its unlikely that you would ever feel any drive to enter therapy, but the fact that you have found and are posting on this site suggests to me that you sense something is wrong.

I understand in the eyes of the general populous and society who and what I am can be considered wrong. Yes. Do I, personally, think it is wrong? No. I believe I am the way I am, and have been molded and molded myself this way for a reason.

It might be worth exploring that as with many APD / NPD sufferers its not until something extreme happens that they end up seeking help. Even then, it will tend to be only to "get rid of weak feelings" like depression, so they can get back to their old, barricaded and 'hard' self. Most will leave therapy once depression subsides, leaving the real issues untreated, so riding a rollercoaster of peaks and troughs as their problems cause ongoing pain for others and ultimately, them. Usually an NPD will enter therapy when a source of admiration or approval has left them - eg, a boyfriend or admirer leaves them due to being fed up, or perhaps a failure at work. An NPD will likely crash at this point if no replacement can be found, and they will seek therapy to treat the depression only. If it passes, they see no point in staying therapy as after all, it is not them that usually suffers as a result of their behaviour - its others. This is what the disorders are designed to do, insulate the person from pain by ensuring that it always goes outwards. One departure from this pattern is when a person that emulates an abusive parent - that combination of "harsh but fair" - but in combination with strong sexual attraction - comes into the NPD /APD sufferers life. The tables will tend to turn, and the person will then tend to become the willing player in the new arrivals game. A vicious circle of abuse, rupture, forgiveness, reunification, abuse will then emerge until one or the other tires of it or is severely injured. Even then the relationship may remain intact.

For these reasons NPD and APD are very rarely treated.

Alright, unfortunately [sort of] I've never dated. I'm 22 and I've never dated, though I have experienced rejection and admiration both, I've never been in a date-like-relationship and I admit a small part is because of my lack of desire to trust. Like wise, my desire not to waste time. Often when presented with a relationship proposition as it were, I feel the need to decline. Usually because the one offering, is just looking for sex, and it annoys me. The sex aspect annoys me because I am a virgin and have yet to be inspired enough to cross the line. I say inspired because I think it best suiting. Certain things I condone 'just because" antics, but this is not one of them. Sex is on my mind almost as much as violence and I think I get off a bit knowing I can resist both. Obvious self-control issues you could say. I can't say for sure, but I do not see myself being in such a relationship as you describe. It goes against so many things I live by.

The complication is that you seem to desrcibe alters - other personalities, which is like Dissociative Identity Disorder. That makes for a greater complexity and I dont know very much about this disorder. If you do have DID then exploring your past for what it really is may be a real turning point for you. Many folks with DID have been extensively abused - however by its nature, dissociation is desgined to block out the pain, and even memories, of that abuse.

This, I only recently really began to consider. Yes, I thought of it before, but it was an iffy thing. I've recently learned both my twin and my older sister were molested by my cousin, I however, have no memory of such things. This, though, doesn't surprise me because I don't remember too much about my life in the earlier years. Just bits and pieces. I've recently pondered if it's because of my getting hit by a car when I was 13 [i shattered an entire windshield with my head] or because of something that happened to me when I was younger. Truth is, I have no idea either way. Logically speaking, it would be plausible to say he had molested me as well, but on the other side, I have always been more... hostile you could say, then my sisters. So perhaps he didn't. Again, I don't know.

I can say, with confidence, that I went through a sort of mental abuse my whole child hood, as far as I can remember, though half of it was in the actions and mannerisms of my parents, the other half was how I saw it as a child. I know that those things have helped to shape me and they were things that drove me to spend 9 years conditioning my mind.

If you entered therapy its perhaps unlikely in the first instance that any psych would consider the PD options - normally you need to have seen them numerous times over years before it will occur to anyone. For this reason you are most likely to be offered antidepressants if you are feeling depressed, then later perhaps CBT. Again this will only treat major symtpoms such as depression or anxiety. If you do have deeper issues such as NPD or APD, a therapy such as psychodynamic, inner child, cognitive analytic or schema therapy is likely to be needed.

Im not a psychiatrist, these are my views and opinions baded on many years of reading and personal experience.

It is possible I have depression in some way, but that I don't allow myself to feel it. In the event that is true, it would be that I prevent myself from feeling depressed, not because I see it as weak, but because I see it as useless. Because sulking and being sad gets me no where. It doesn't help the situation, so instead, I plot and think of a way around or through my problem that will benefit me. That will not be a waste of time.

Remmy.

[Alii]

Despite rule 31 you seem very much like your trying to proove yourself. This isn't a criticism just an observation.

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi Remmy

Thanks for the very honest replies. With that extra info, I am not so sure of what I guessed now. I think there is quite a lot going on for you, and with the past you describe I cant help but feel its very likely that any pain is very buried. It may well be testament to your ability to block these things out and find useful ways to deal with whats in front of you.

You do seem to admit, at least in as far as sexual relationships go, to having trust issues, and its sad to hear that you are lonely in some ways. If I were a therapist, its these areas I would want to look at as evidence that you do suffer some kind of pain. As I say to many folks here, deep inside is an inner knowledge - an emotional knowledge of what we need to keep us happy and healthy. When we have childhoods that teach us "you aint ever gonna get it' we can start to shut off entire portions of our self. Others portions tend to come through, if you like a false self. When you speak of your 'alters', it sounds like you have a number of these false selves that you can change at will. Do they ever impose themselves on you, as in you dont have control over them?

I think that in terms if life experience, you have had a number of traumatic episodes, and given the family background, very limited opportunites to speak of them, receieve support and the opportunity to grieve, and to have those feelings validated. Some folks go inward with their feelings, others go out, and if I were to look at a branch of psychotherapy called Schema Therapy, I would say that you have a number of "Early Maladaptive Schemas", which is a techie way of saying "things that ideally would have been rather different, and now affect how ou feel and behave and see the world and yourself". There are three major different ways that folks deal with schemas and the pain of them, and it sounds to me that you use "overcompensation" for nearly all of them. This will effectively stop you feeling their power, though they are still there. They have kept you safe and allow you to function in many ways, but from what you say there is a hole in your life, and its the trust to be in a loving, and sexual, relationship. There is clearly anger at your parents too, and its good that you have an understanding of where they might have been more caring for you. If you feel a lot of anger a lot of the time, then this is the likely route by which confusion, sadness or loneliness comes out. It would be intersteting to know what your predominant emotions are, or if in fact you tend to feel very little nearly all the time. If its the latter, then this does start to suggest some sort of dissociative disorder or depersonalisation disorder. Do you ever feel as if you are floating out of your body, or not quite connected to the world around you, in a physical sense? Perhaps as if the world has turned on an angle, or you are watching a movie of whats going on around you?

With the alters, I am starting to feel that this may be more likely. If you are detached most of the time, its unlikely that you will feel a lot. At the same time, you may not feel a lot of happiness and joy, or a connection with others. Thats the trade-off of dissociation. Such a disorder would be possible given the physical, emotional and POSSIBLE sexual traumas you have experienced.

Was there ever any one person who was there for you, and who let you cry about these things? Perhaps someone who let you talk about the car accident, or made you feel wanted where your mother did not? Maybe later in life you made some good friends who made you feel accepted and heard? Have you ever been treated for any kind of depression or anxiety? I am intersted to know what has driven you to ask these questions of yourself, particularly in a public forum. Was there some incident that caused you to have a rethink, or is there perhaps some niggling sensation that there might be something amiss? Do you feel guilty over your responses to others? I mean perhaps the idea that you enjoy peoples pain - is it this that makes you worry about your mental health? Maybe this isnt such a problem - after all, many people like watching boxing and violence on television.

I think if you arent actually hurting anyone, you dont hurt yourself and you are not an addict or otherwise dependent on something, that you have reasonably good mental health. The 'hole' seems to be most visible in the romantic relationships area, and the strong mistrust you feel. Mistrust is consistent with the "mistrust and abuse" schema. If you like, take a look at a book called "reinventing your life" by Klosko and Young - its the patient handbook for schema therapy. The book describes the different schemas and also overcompensation and its two cousins, surrender and avoidance. If you do get the book, read the text first before you take any of the questionnaires. If you do overcompensate, the text may well nudge something inside you and bring up confusing feelings - this is a clue that you just read something important to you. However if you are an overcompensator for a schema and just fill the questionnaire, its likely you will score low. This may mean you skip some key insights that you need to hear.

Sometimes people who suspect something may be amiss, or there is some niggling sensation inside, go to see a simple counsellor just to talk things through. Often they will sit there at first and say "I dont know whats wrong really, maybe I shouldnt be here". But sometimes having a person who really listens, and cares whats being, said, can be the first time its happened for that person. If thats the case, sometimes other emotions that they didnt even know were there can start to come up. Its like a process of discovery. If nothing does come up, then they just enjoy the few sessions they have and then move on, but they often feel better for having investigated that niggling feeling :)

[Pynn]

Hmm. I've been watching many documentaries on intergalactic space etc. It just makes me realise how small everyone, including you, actually is. Our planet is not even a speck of dust. We're so so tiny we don't matter AT ALL. Including you. Watch the same documentaries and you'll know how insignificant I am, how insignificant YOU are, and how insignificant everyone else is.

Apparently, the world you live in revolves around you. I actually quite enjoy the knowledge of 'space' being so uncomprehensibly big.

And all that space is right there, when we look up at the sky. It's right there, and we don't even see it despite it's vastness.

Maybe it's time for you to wake up and look outside 'your' solar system?

Just putting in my 2cents. I felt inspired, and annoyed. So I posted this. If you find it bullshit, that's fine. At least I posted and don't have to regret not doing it.

Nope, not bullshit at all. In fact this is proof that there is a difference between Truth and Fact. It is a Fact that our solar system is vast and that in the large scheme of things this planet and the things on it are just tiny pieces of an inconcevably big puzzle as it were. It's however not a Fact, but a truth that we're insignificant. As truths are based on opinions and perspectives, facts are unquestioned.

It is then a truth in your eyes, to you in your prospective of things, that you, and I, and everyone else mean nothing at all. We are insignificant and unimportant. My response to such truths is why not, since we're of no importance, do we exist? Why then, if we're so insignificant, don't you device a plan to annihilate us all, and then yourself? I'm not saying this as a crude response, though i admit it probably reads this way. I am being quite serious in asking these questions. I ask because I am curious of the response.

I believe in the truth that though it is fact we are such a tiny part of the vastness, that we're not insignificant, though nor are we all significant. Our significance to this world and the people in it, are directly proportioned to those who know, see and are impacted by us, and their views of us from their prospective and beliefs.

That is my 3 cents.

Remmy.

Yeah yeah yeah... That's exactly what I meant. You make it so much more complicated than it is. Maybe you see that as intelligence, thinking deep thoughts about everything. I was just saying; lighten up. That's how I keep my feet on the ground, by realising how tiny our planet and it's inhabitants are. It makes me laugh at all the stupid little rules mankind made, and things like religion.

When I think about the vastness of space, and then think about mankind... I just can't help but laugh. But hey, I'm alive. I'm human. Might as well make the most of it for myself while I'm here, right?

I guess I was just saying maybe you shouldn't take yourself so seriously.

My 4... Nah, not gonna get into that.

[roxy222]

First off, thank you for your input. I think you're probably the only one to go at this from an analytical point of view, rather then a supportive one or unsupportive [not that either are bad] view. I'm going to split up your reply to answer your questions/statement and comments as best I can. If I miss anything, let me know.

Do you have any record of criminal actions at all? Very often APDs are extensively involved with the police. They are often the guys who run scams and cons, and are very good at them because they tend to be convincing and charming, but lack remorse or sympathy. They are fully aware of the consequences and simply scheme to avoid them. It would be interesting to know if you experience any anxiety or shyness.

I was "arrested" for shop-lifting when I was 17. I quote it because it was really just them escorting me to the back of the store until my mother [Whom I wasn't living with anymore] signed some paper work [because she was still my legal gaurdian]. Out side of that and some speeding tickets and seatbelt tickets...no. I have no criminal record what so ever. However, to answer if I've been involved in criminal activity? Yes. Do I experience anxiety or shyness? No shyness. I'm not a shy person. Anxiety? Not enough for me to confidently say yes. I believe I have before, yes, but can I recall any situations? No.

a person with genuinely healthy emotions has empathy and concern, and does not wish to harm others, usually because they have not been harmed or mistreated themselves.

I have empathy in the sense I understand people's pain, and how it feels [or likely feels] as well as how it impacts people in a multitude of ways. I have concern, but it's very circumstantial as is my desire to harm others. It's not that I go out of my way to harm people [though I have before] but rather a "crime" of opportunity, where I find delight in the results more then I find any pain, regret or discomfort.

NPD sufferers in particular seek to "aggrandise their parents"

This most definitely does NOT apply to me. Though I don't hate them for my childhood, I do know much of how I am is a result of their actions and my reaction and perception. There is no sugar coating or rose colored glasses in the way I see them, or anyone else for that matter. I can be biased, but in such cases it's only for lack of information.

Its unlikely that you would ever feel any drive to enter therapy, but the fact that you have found and are posting on this site suggests to me that you sense something is wrong.

I understand in the eyes of the general populous and society who and what I am can be considered wrong. Yes. Do I, personally, think it is wrong? No. I believe I am the way I am, and have been molded and molded myself this way for a reason.

It might be worth exploring that as with many APD / NPD sufferers its not until something extreme happens that they end up seeking help. Even then, it will tend to be only to "get rid of weak feelings" like depression, so they can get back to their old, barricaded and 'hard' self. Most will leave therapy once depression subsides, leaving the real issues untreated, so riding a rollercoaster of peaks and troughs as their problems cause ongoing pain for others and ultimately, them. Usually an NPD will enter therapy when a source of admiration or approval has left them - eg, a boyfriend or admirer leaves them due to being fed up, or perhaps a failure at work. An NPD will likely crash at this point if no replacement can be found, and they will seek therapy to treat the depression only. If it passes, they see no point in staying therapy as after all, it is not them that usually suffers as a result of their behaviour - its others. This is what the disorders are designed to do, insulate the person from pain by ensuring that it always goes outwards. One departure from this pattern is when a person that emulates an abusive parent - that combination of "harsh but fair" - but in combination with strong sexual attraction - comes into the NPD /APD sufferers life. The tables will tend to turn, and the person will then tend to become the willing player in the new arrivals game. A vicious circle of abuse, rupture, forgiveness, reunification, abuse will then emerge until one or the other tires of it or is severely injured. Even then the relationship may remain intact.

For these reasons NPD and APD are very rarely treated.

Alright, unfortunately [sort of] I've never dated. I'm 22 and I've never dated, though I have experienced rejection and admiration both, I've never been in a date-like-relationship and I admit a small part is because of my lack of desire to trust. Like wise, my desire not to waste time. Often when presented with a relationship proposition as it were, I feel the need to decline. Usually because the one offering, is just looking for sex, and it annoys me. The sex aspect annoys me because I am a virgin and have yet to be inspired enough to cross the line. I say inspired because I think it best suiting. Certain things I condone 'just because" antics, but this is not one of them. Sex is on my mind almost as much as violence and I think I get off a bit knowing I can resist both. Obvious self-control issues you could say. I can't say for sure, but I do not see myself being in such a relationship as you describe. It goes against so many things I live by.

The complication is that you seem to desrcibe alters - other personalities, which is like Dissociative Identity Disorder. That makes for a greater complexity and I dont know very much about this disorder. If you do have DID then exploring your past for what it really is may be a real turning point for you. Many folks with DID have been extensively abused - however by its nature, dissociation is desgined to block out the pain, and even memories, of that abuse.

This, I only recently really began to consider. Yes, I thought of it before, but it was an iffy thing. I've recently learned both my twin and my older sister were molested by my cousin, I however, have no memory of such things. This, though, doesn't surprise me because I don't remember too much about my life in the earlier years. Just bits and pieces. I've recently pondered if it's because of my getting hit by a car when I was 13 [i shattered an entire windshield with my head] or because of something that happened to me when I was younger. Truth is, I have no idea either way. Logically speaking, it would be plausible to say he had molested me as well, but on the other side, I have always been more... hostile you could say, then my sisters. So perhaps he didn't. Again, I don't know.

I can say, with confidence, that I went through a sort of mental abuse my whole child hood, as far as I can remember, though half of it was in the actions and mannerisms of my parents, the other half was how I saw it as a child. I know that those things have helped to shape me and they were things that drove me to spend 9 years conditioning my mind.

If you entered therapy its perhaps unlikely in the first instance that any psych would consider the PD options - normally you need to have seen them numerous times over years before it will occur to anyone. For this reason you are most likely to be offered antidepressants if you are feeling depressed, then later perhaps CBT. Again this will only treat major symtpoms such as depression or anxiety. If you do have deeper issues such as NPD or APD, a therapy such as psychodynamic, inner child, cognitive analytic or schema therapy is likely to be needed.

Im not a psychiatrist, these are my views and opinions baded on many years of reading and personal experience.

It is possible I have depression in some way, but that I don't allow myself to feel it. In the event that is true, it would be that I prevent myself from feeling depressed, not because I see it as weak, but because I see it as useless. Because sulking and being sad gets me no where. It doesn't help the situation, so instead, I plot and think of a way around or through my problem that will benefit me. That will not be a waste of time.

Remmy.

Theres something very inauthentic about everything you say, as if you have a carefully constructed false self, as if your hiding from yourself. you keep saying over and over that you feeling you'v been made this way for a reason, looking for a 'higher' reason or applying this type of thinking to our existance is often away of avoiding the horror that there was no good reason for the agony we've been subjected too. looking for this type of reason allows us to protect parents/adults from the blame they deserve and prevent us from stading by ourselves and our truth, emotions included. feelings and emotions are what is authentic, analyse is just an intelectual defence.