The Good Sociopath...

January 9, 2009

Despite rule 31 you seem very much like your trying to proove yourself. This isn't a criticism just an observation.

I will not question that in your prospective and opinion I am trying to prove myself, but as such, I want to know what it is you see me trying to prove? Am I trying to explain myself? Yes. Because that is what this thread originally was, me telling about the way I am, the way I think for the purpose of feed back in many shapes and forms.

I am not trying to prove anything, I am only trying to make sure there is a clear understanding of my antics, thoughts, beliefs etc; because faulse information wouldn't get me or anyone else anywhere. I can see how it can be misinterprated that I'm trying to prove myself, but again it begs the question "prove myself" in what reguard? What is it, I am trying to prove? In your observation.

Remmy.

January 9, 2009

Yeah yeah yeah... That's exactly what I meant. You make it so much more complicated than it is. Maybe you see that as intelligence, thinking deep thoughts about everything. I was just saying; lighten up. That's how I keep my feet on the ground, by realising how tiny our planet and it's inhabitants are. It makes me laugh at all the stupid little rules mankind made, and things like religion.
When I think about the vastness of space, and then think about mankind... I just can't help but laugh. But hey, I'm alive. I'm human. Might as well make the most of it for myself while I'm here, right?
I guess I was just saying maybe you shouldn't take yourself so seriously.
My 4... Nah, not gonna get into that.

Hmm. I find your replies very interesting in that I did not get "lighten up" at all from your previous reply. I admit that could have simply been how I was reading it. In any case it goes "to each their own". I definatly know that I don't apear very ... chill.. relaxed, at ease on this thread in particular but it's namely because I'm just trying to absorb and give a lot of information.

And I also know I apear far more serious in this thread then I am on a normal basis, but, it's again because I'm relaying information and taking information. I don't think "livly" as it were when I'm in this state, I find it easier to be objective and "void" of opinion as best I can.

Oh, and I didn't do three cents to over do you, I did three cents because three is my favorite number. lol. I've done it on other threads too, "Three Cents".

Remmy.

January 9, 2009

I do have trust issues, I have lots of faith in most of the people I meet, but faith is different then trust. For example, I'll have faith Jogn-Doe is going to bring me the book he said I could barrow, but I wont trust him at his word. I'll take a look at a store to find the book, just in case he doesn't follow through. I wont buy the book, because of the faith he'll bring it in, but in lack of trust, I'll know where I can get it if he doesn't.

Others portions tend to come through, if you like a false self. When you speak of your 'alters', it sounds like you have a number of these false selves that you can change at will. Do they ever impose themselves on you, as in you dont have control over them?

See, my alters as we're calling them, aren't false. At least not as far as I can see. they are not facades of any kind. They're extensions of parts of my personality. Hmm. Not sure I explained that right. Nevokna, she is an extension of my rationalism. My logic, and my objectivity. I channel her when I need those qualities. Mark is an extension of my relaxed dominance. My control, my blendability and strong arm without the forcefulness. He's a bit more complicated, and the hardest to explain. Ira is an extension of my rage, anger, carnage, manipulation and brutality. She is by far the strongest, and she is the only one I have "lost control" with. I'd let go, let go of my control as it were and it was like looking through someone elses eyes almost. Next thing I knew my hand was latched on my older sisters throat, and when she tried to step back, I held tighter onto her trechea. I think if I haven't given up, and let go, it never would have happned. I can say, I've never let go since. Ira, she's persuasive, and cruel. She's threatened my sanity many times and nearly convinced me once, to cut off my own finger. But all that is a story in of itself.

If you feel a lot of anger a lot of the time, then this is the likely route by which confusion, sadness or loneliness comes out. It would be intersteting to know what your predominant emotions are, or if in fact you tend to feel very little nearly all the time. If its the latter, then this does start to suggest some sort of dissociative disorder or depersonalisation disorder.

I have to admit, I don't think about what emotions I feel most often, so when i read this, I had to reflect on the past week/month/year to try and get you a quality and honest answer. I'm going to have to say that probably 40% of the time, maybe 50% I am a void. Not in the bad sense, but in a completely neutral sense. I'm open. The rest of my emotions, they happen in bouts and probably pretty evenly, though I think if any of them I experience more then the rest it would be a morbid sense of amusement, followed by annoyance which isn't quite anger. I don't get angry as often or as fully as I used to, but I get annoyed.

Do you ever feel as if you are floating out of your body, or not quite connected to the world around you, in a physical sense? Perhaps as if the world has turned on an angle, or you are watching a movie of whats going on around you?

No. Never like that.

Was there ever any one person who was there for you, and who let you cry about these things? Perhaps someone who let you talk about the car accident, or made you feel wanted where your mother did not? Maybe later in life you made some good friends who made you feel accepted and heard? Have you ever been treated for any kind of depression or anxiety?

Wow. lol. No. I cry to myself when I feel the need to release that emotion. The car accident was just that, to me, a car accident. It's impact on my life [from my perspective] is only directly proportioned to the fact it may be the cause of why I can't remember things of my past. Which annoys me because I like knowing, good ro bad, i want to know. And no, the only person who ever made me feel wanted was my Twin, though our relationship is a pecular one I think. Though we don't talk about it, a large part of our relationship is based on financials. Life expenses are cheaper together then apart. Though we do talk about all kinds of things and we negotiate EVERYTHING we do. I can't talk to her about my 'darkness" as it were. She doesn't want to hear it, and I respect that.

Friends growing up and even now, they accept me, even those who know about my "darkness" even if they don't know details. But they don't hear me out because I don't go into details about it. Because I know it'll make them uncomfortable, and they are people I'm partial to. I like having them around. And I feel as long as they understand that I have a "darker" side to me etc, I'm cool with leaving it at that. And no, I've never been treated for either. In fact, the only things I've ever been treated for were physical injuries. Concusions, broken bones, colds etc.

I am intersted to know what has driven you to ask these questions of yourself, particularly in a public forum. Was there some incident that caused you to have a rethink, or is there perhaps some niggling sensation that there might be something amiss? Do you feel guilty over your responses to others? I mean perhaps the idea that you enjoy peoples pain - is it this that makes you worry about your mental health? Maybe this isnt such a problem - after all, many people like watching boxing and violence on television.

I applaud you. I've actually been half waiting for someone to ask this, curious how long before someone did. And when you first replied to this thread, I had a feeling it would be you who asked. To answer, no, none of this was because I thought I needed to, or wanted to rethink myself. It was because I wanted to know if there was a dignosis that fit who and what I am. What spawned it, was actually metting someone just like me in the way I think etc. He, however, is very much "lighter" then I am. He does not agree to my Rule#1, which is If one is not willing to fight for their life, then their life is not worth fighting for, therefore it shall not be. He would defend them no matter if they were willing to fight or not. I would not. I also explain to him there is a difference in being unwilling, and simply being unable to fight. Unable to fight, but being willing to do what you could anyway I would defend or aid. Being unable AND unwilling, I would not.

Anyway, meeting him, who thinks a lot along the same lines as I do, though in a more... humanitary and heroic manner I guess, got us talking. And we were trying to figure out what we might classify as. Becuase we agreed we were clearly NOT sociopaths. Hense my comming here. I figure dif nothing else, the replies I get about myself, and how people precieve me might help me look at possibilies, or rule certain things out. I don't need a lable, but I was curious if I had one. If that makes sense.

I think if you arent actually hurting anyone, you dont hurt yourself and you are not an addict or otherwise dependent on something, that you have reasonably good mental health.

Physically hurt anyone? Not anyone who didn't swing first. Mentally? Yes, I have. Sometimes with the intent to harm, most of the time just out of opertunity, and sometimes unintentionally. I used to hurt myself, but I did it to stop me from crossing the line of actually killing someone before such a time as I was prepared. It was more selfish then considerate which I know might not make sense. I do my best not to be dependant on anything or anyone but myself, even if I can and do as for help, its usually in the interest of making my life easier more then me being unable to do it myself. Though I admit, there are lots of things I can't so myself.

The 'hole' seems to be most visible in the romantic relationships area, and the strong mistrust you feel. Mistrust is consistent with the "mistrust and abuse" schema. If you like, take a look at a book called "reinventing your life" by Klosko and Young - its the patient handbook for schema therapy. The book describes the different schemas and also overcompensation and its two cousins, surrender and avoidance. If you do get the book, read the text first before you take any of the questionnaires. If you do overcompensate, the text may well nudge something inside you and bring up confusing feelings - this is a clue that you just read something important to you. However if you are an overcompensator for a schema and just fill the questionnaire, its likely you will score low. This may mean you skip some key insights that you need to hear.
Sometimes people who suspect something may be amiss, or there is some niggling sensation inside, go to see a simple counsellor just to talk things through. Often they will sit there at first and say "I dont know whats wrong really, maybe I shouldnt be here". But sometimes having a person who really listens, and cares whats being, said, can be the first time its happened for that person. If thats the case, sometimes other emotions that they didnt even know were there can start to come up. Its like a process of discovery. If nothing does come up, then they just enjoy the few sessions they have and then move on, but they often feel better for having investigated that niggling feeling

I might just take a look for that book. I like knowing. lol. As for my romantic relationships area, though a good part of it has to do with lack of trust, most of what keeps me from getting involved is that the men i meet, don't appeal to me. They all feel very one dimentional to me. Like there's no depth. Sure, physical attraction might be there, has been there, but it's not enough. Outside of that, because I have this mental fortification of sorts, this... "strength" if you will, a dominance, I feel the need to have a man of equal or higher dominance and strength. And I've not found such a thing yet. Admittedly, I'm not activly looking, but that is because it's not yet important to me. What is most important right now, in my scheme of things, is to complete the next stage of my evolution if you will. Which would be the toning and conditioning of my body to match that of my mind. All of this to my own personal standards of coarse.

Again, thank you very much for your replies. I enjoy reading them, and thinking about them, and answering the questions. So far, it seems like I'm a little bit of a lot, but not quite anything in particular. If that makes sense.

Remmy.

January 9, 2009

Again, thank you very much for your replies. I enjoy reading them, and thinking about them, and answering the questions. So far, it seems like I'm a little bit of a lot, but not quite anything in particular. If that makes sense.
Remmy.

Lol yes it does

I think that if you were to see a psychiatrist, with the past of neglect, some evidence of parts of your personality that once almost drove you to cut your own finger off in lieu of killing others, your own history of self harm and a seeming desire to inflict at least some mental suffering on others, that you would likely earn yourself some kind of diagnosis, though I am certainly not qualified to do that. But what you have mentioned is certainly evidence of mental health problems.

I think at the moment you have a very big lid on things and right now, you are unlikely to explore any pain that exists because of your reliance and belief in dominance and strength. A lack of hurt is not strength - in fact it takes more strength to face real emotional pain such as that which might be buried in you, than to visit its effects on others or to blot it out. Anyone in therapy or currently healing from trauama needs considerable strength and courage to do so. If you feel that sadness and outward grieivng is a sign of weakness, or just plain useless, this does tend to resonate with an invalidating past where you were expected not to show emotion, or had no interst shown in emotions, or were punished for having them. I am thinking perhaps of your dad at this point. Grieving and outward sadness are actually a healthy part of human life - but we can be made to see them as pointless or something to be scorned if we are shown very little mercy as kids. To survive now means to show no emotion to others and to be strong all the time. It leads to mental health problems, such as the desire to, and act of, self harm.

This strength is currently working for you, and they do say that part of the need for diagnosis is if the person is suffering, or making others suffer. If you are currently engaged in wiliflly causing others mental pain, and feel this is acceptable, then I would urge you to reconsider this as a message that you need some kind of therapy. Even though it doesnt hurt you, and you may enjoy seeing others suffer, I think few people would agree that wilfully inflicting pain is a good thing. Certainly if those you do it to suffer from mental health problems, you are going to be making them worse whether you can see that or not.

I think the fact that you have been honest is good, and perhaps some reading will open up a few new corridors for you. It may be that in a few years time it suddenly becomes plain that you need to delve deeper, the main concern I would have would be the pressure from your 'alter' to harm yourself or others. That is not a sign of good mental health! However its encouraging to hear that you have found others that accept you, and I think its in great part due to this acceptance that you do not suffer from any significant emotional pain. I hope that they stay around for some years to come.

I would also read about alters, dissociative identity disorder and perhaps even psychosis - the 'finger' thing is definitely leaning in that direction and is a cause for alarm.

January 9, 2009

Theres something very inauthentic about everything you say, as if you have a carefully constructed false self, as if your hiding from yourself. you keep saying over and over that you feeling you'v been made this way for a reason, looking for a 'higher' reason or applying this type of thinking to our existance is often away of avoiding the horror that there was no good reason for the agony we've been subjected too. looking for this type of reason allows us to protect parents/adults from the blame they deserve and prevent us from stading by ourselves and our truth, emotions included. feelings and emotions are what is authentic, analyse is just an intelectual defence.

My very first thought when I read your reply was agreement in your perception. That I know many of my replies in this thread come off constructed, robitic, inpersonal etc. The words "fake", "false", and "facade" always come up when I channel Nev; who is an extension of my rationalisation, my logic, reason and objectivity. And it's rarely emotional when I channel her.

"looking for a 'higher' reason or applying this type of thinking to our existance is often away of avoiding the horror that there was no good reason for the agony we've been subjected too."

Maybe you're right, and there was no good reason for my parents to do what they did, treat me the way they did, for the events in my life to take place as they did. Perhaps, there was no reason for it in direct relation to me, but there is always a reason. Always cause. For example, my fathers inability to be a father not only has to do with his own poor judgment, but the fact his father blew his own brains out when he was a child, thus never having a father himself to "compare notes with" if you will. Though that has nothing to do with me at all, it doesn't change the chain reaction of cause and effect, and that the effect it had on him, trickled down into the effect he had on me.

The reasons may not be good, I can agree to that. But I do feel their is a reason for me being who I am, and I accept it's probably a delusion I afford myself to tailor to my own morbid desires. A delusion to help me aim this darkness to something kinder, better. I have the "darkness" if you will, and it pleasures me more then it pains me. So yes, I believe this darkness is for a good reason, because if I didn't, there would be no bounds, no morals for my damnation if you will. If i didn't belive in a higher purpose I'd have to find new goals, and they'd be far less pretty. And I know that. I know that this delusion of mine is what keeps me a "reasonable' person. I know that without belief in this higher purpose, I'd feel no need to mind myself. No need to control myself. No need to try and taylor my desires for the good. To be a good natured person.

Yeah. I choose to believe my "darkness', the way I am is for a "higher" reason if I didn't. I'd just mean I'm a bad person. That I want to do kill, maim and torture people just because. Shits and giggles if you will. To pry them apart and push their buttons just to see what they can handle. My own morbid amusment. The very fact I don't want to be that kind of person says something I'm sure. So yeah, believing in a higher reason gives me personal justification for being the way I am.

" looking for this type of reason allows us to protect parents/adults from the blame they deserve and prevent us from stading by ourselves and our truth, emotions included. ."

This one, though, I had to chuckle at a little. I don't protect them from the blame. The only protection in reguard to my parents I give, is protection of those who care about them. My sisters and my little brother who still care about them. If not for my consideration for their feelings, I'd rip my parents apart and make them see and admit the things that impacted me most. And i'd enjoy every cruel moment of it.

"feelings and emotions are what is authentic, analyse is just an intelectual defence"

I have feelings and emotions, I just handle them differently, I supress or deny them when I feel it's necessary or benificial to me or what ever I'm doing. I also choose not to share my emotions and feelings with those I don't think will actually appreciate them.

Remmy.

January 9, 2009

Something I just thought that I should have asked! Sorry to bombard you. These may seem odd, or alternatively you may identify with them. Im not trying to label you so I hope you dont think that - I am just doing a bit of detective work if you like

Do you ever 'hear' those different personalities speak to you, such as Ira, or are they more in the form of emotional impulses? Have you ever heard any of them have a voice, or tell you something?

In addition, do you ever find that things become extremely loud around you, like all the noise in the world, TV, people talking, sounds of cutlery scraping etc is being concentrated on your ears and for a time it seems unbearable?

Have you ever felt that your thoughts are being broadcast for others to hear, or that thoughts are being placed inside your mind by others?

Have you ever felt you are being followed or watched, for example by a police force or intelligence agency?

Lastly, have you ever felt that you are being controlled by an outside force, or felt that the TV or radio has messages only for you, or is communicating to you?

If you read up on psychosis you may find a number of things like this, that if you identify with are a definte reason to explore further. Im sorry if this firightens or upsets you, at the moment all I am doing is racking my brains for things that fit with what you are talking about.

January 9, 2009

A lack of hurt is not strength - in fact it takes more strength to face real emotional pain such as that which might be buried in you, than to visit its effects on others or to blot it out. Anyone in therapy or currently healing from trauama needs considerable strength and courage to do so.

Hmm. I hadn't intended to go into details at all about the 9 years I've spent "conditioning" and "training" my mind. But this statement of yours has coaxed it from me because I agree with you completely. In fact, those that can face their pain are the strongest of all in my opinion. Yes, part of my training and conditioning was to teach myself how to shield and not feel, but before I could learn how to disconnect it, I had to know what it was and how it effected me. I had to recognize what hurt, how it hurt, and what I could do in the future to help prevent it, or to "cushion" the blow enough to be able to function in a rational and logical manner first, and in an emotional manner second. As was my goal. My ealier years I hurt a lot. I cried. I self loathed, I denied. I even once prayed for God to kill me because I'd made a promise never to kill myself.

No, I never went to therapy in the sense of seeing a psychiatrist etc. But I formulated my own therapy, found ways to understand my pain so I could understand how to control it. Or channel it rather. My methods are probably very unconventional, messed up in their own right, but it was all I had at the time, and it's now something I've grown so used to. I didn't have anyone back then to assist me, so I assisted myself. Maybe that wasn't a good idea, but I was a child, and it worked for the most part. Trial and error, logic and reason, love and hate.

I'm not the way i am, and the person I am, believeing what I do because I hid everything. Not because I denied the existance of my pain, but because I embraced it. And I created a way to handle it that woudn't rip me apart. Maybe it's this that makes me unhealthy as far as mental health, I'm willing to aknowledge that, but it worked for me. And it works for me now.

If you feel that sadness and outward grieivng is a sign of weakness, or just plain useless, this does tend to resonate with an invalidating past where you were expected not to show emotion, or had no interst shown in emotions, or were punished for having them. I am thinking perhaps of your dad at this point. Grieving and outward sadness are actually a healthy part of human life - but we can be made to see them as pointless or something to be scorned if we are shown very little mercy as kids. To survive now means to show no emotion to others and to be strong all the time. It leads to mental health problems, such as the desire to, and act of, self harm.

To me, grieving and sadness aren't pointless, but I also believe there is and unspoken and ever changing time frame [per situation] that is acceptable. For me, it's acceptable to have and even shows these emotions, but not to the point where it prevents me from functioning as normal, or on track. It's not acceptable, to me, to sulk or slump or to do the "poor me" or "why me" thing. I think those are a waste. When the emotions consume to the point they no longer help, it's unacceptable to me. If I cry and I feel better for it, that's a good thing. If I cry and it does nothing for me and the situation, it's a waste. Again, my opinion.

My Dad was a catalyst in my desire to be able to shield. Not not because he made it unacceptable to expose my emotions. But because at the time, [as a naif] I thought my dad needed me to put my emotions at the side, so he could have his. Because he never had anyone to share them with, and he was trying to share with me, and I wanted to be able to take them in without smothering them with mine. Twisted as it was. I knew then, as a child, that if I got emotional, or seemed effected by the things he told me, he might not tell me, and it seemed he needed to talk. And I wanted to be the one he talked with.

Amusingly [now] enough, my motivation to be the one he spoke with was to be "daddy's little girl" to which never happened. Though even so, I don't believe it was an entire waste. I learned things with his stories, and it was the base for antics I used later and use even today.

This strength is currently working for you, and they do say that part of the need for diagnosis is if the person is suffering, or making others suffer. If you are currently engaged in wiliflly causing others mental pain, and feel this is acceptable, then I would urge you to reconsider this as a message that you need some kind of therapy. Even though it doesnt hurt you, and you may enjoy seeing others suffer, I think few people would agree that wilfully inflicting pain is a good thing. Certainly if those you do it to suffer from mental health problems, you are going to be making them worse whether you can see that or not.

I can't rightfully argue or counter your statement of these actions being an indication for the need of therapy. Or that few would see the act of me willfully harming others as a good thing. It's a "bad" thing. A "bad" act. I know. I know the fact I take pelasure in it is also "bad". In the case of those with mental health problems prior to me, I actually avoid such people more then i target them. The reasons for this are many. The number of people I make a point or go out of my way to hurt are few. As I said, most of them are oppertunities I choose not to pass up. And no, I don't feel bad about it. And I justify it [which is probably the result of a delusion on some level] with the fact that I believe anyone capable or willing to manipulate me, or harm me mentally or physicially, they deserve what they get. And they, as well as myself, will get what's comming to them, good or bad, in the long run. As for my belief in it being good in some way, goes back to my belief I am the way i am for a good reason. In a grand scheme of things kind of way. Like in all wars, casualties will happen, and that in a [perhaps twisted] way, those I harm in my own development to advance, modify and perfect my antics are cassualties of a larger picture. I admit, it probably sounds like a hock of crap to justify being mean int he eyes of the general populous, but it is what I believe.

I think the fact that you have been honest is good, and perhaps some reading will open up a few new corridors for you. It may be that in a few years time it suddenly becomes plain that you need to delve deeper, the main concern I would have would be the pressure from your 'alter' to harm yourself or others. That is not a sign of good mental health!

lol. Amen. Ira, being the "alter" in question, is good at what she does, and I admit, there was a time when I couldn't see past her antics and actually beleived some of the crap she was selling me in the interest of her getting me to hurt myself or others. That is not currently a problem anymore and she knows better then to even try. It took time, but I have learned how to handle her.

However its encouraging to hear that you have found others that accept you, and I think its in great part due to this acceptance that you do not suffer from any significant emotional pain. I hope that they stay around for some years to come.
I would also read about alters, dissociative identity disorder and perhaps even psychosis - the 'finger' thing is definitely leaning in that direction and is a cause for alarm.

Though it would hurt some to not have them accept me, but I would get over it. I would get past it, because their acceptance isn't a necessity for me, just something I enjoy. A luxury if you will.

In terms of Ira nearly convincing me to cut off my own finger. She was rather ingenius about it. I have to give her props for her antics. She knew exactly what buttons to push but what she didn't realize was that I believe there is a reason for everything. Which meant there was a reason for her trying to get me to do it. Once I realized that, she'd lost all ground. I won. Which almost seems stupid, because she's a part of me, so it's like winning a battle with myself, but I won. :-D

Remmy.

January 9, 2009

Something I just thought that I should have asked! Sorry to bombard you. These may seem odd, or alternatively you may identify with them. Im not trying to label you so I hope you dont think that - I am just doing a bit of detective work if you like

Oh don't feel bad at all! No, it's not a bombardment, I'm actually very greatful for your "detective" work because it helps me decide what I should look into and shouldn't. That and it's facinating. :-D

Do you ever 'hear' those different personalities speak to you, such as Ira, or are they more in the form of emotional impulses? Have you ever heard any of them have a voice, or tell you something?

Yes. In fact the three of them, plus myself, argue and negotiate alot. Though since I devised a system to sate Ira's carnage enough she doesn't hound me, it's made life a lot more easy flowing. More like the balanced equlibrium I'm proud of. But, in the cases of exterme termoil, or stress, we all go at it, of coarse I have final say, but they do usually bring very valid points. I value them, even if they annoy me. Sometimes.

In addition, do you ever find that things become extremely loud around you, like all the noise in the world, TV, people talking, sounds of cutlery scraping etc is being concentrated on your ears and for a time it seems unbearable?

Huh. This is very pecular. Yes. usually it's abstract sounds that just... it's like their in my head, rather then in the environment. Like a light switch on the wall. That sound, almost always rings in my ears and can wake me from a dead sleep. Keys in a door. A door handle turning. Tapping or other such sounds make me "twitch" if you will. They drive me crazy. If I'm agitated as my general emotion for the day, just the sound of someone's voice erks me. It's loud, and it annoys me to the point I get hostil. People talking is similar to a light switch. people chit chatting within my ear rage will almost always wake me up. Again, the only time it seems excessivly loud to me is if I'm in an agitated state piror to the sounds.

Have you ever felt that your thoughts are being broadcast for others to hear, or that thoughts are being placed inside your mind by others?

Uh... the only time I feel my thoughts might be being broadcasted is with my Twin, and I chalk it up to the fact we've spent 20 years side by side. And no, I don't feel like others are putting thoughts in my head.

Have you ever felt you are being followed or watched, for example by a police force or intelligence agency?

No. Though sometimes I fantasize I was. Which probably sounds retarded. I don't feel paranoid that they are watching me or following me.

Lastly, have you ever felt that you are being controlled by an outside force, or felt that the TV or radio has messages only for you, or is communicating to you?

This one is tricky. I don't feel like I'm being controlled by an outside force, no, influenced and guided? Yes. Message just for me? Eh.. not persay. More like omens kind of thing. That certain events tell me things, are warnings or are priase. Ah! For example, my wilfully harming others with the acceptance it'll come back to me. My belief is, if it comes back bad, then I need to redirect myself, if it comes back good, then I'm on the right track. If that makes sense.

If you read up on psychosis you may find a number of things like this, that if you identify with are a definte reason to explore further. Im sorry if this firightens or upsets you, at the moment all I am doing is racking my brains for things that fit with what you are talking about.

I'm going to have to take a look into psychosis now. lol. And no, it doesn't fighten or upset me. I'm a fairly hard person to frighten or upset, namely because of how I manage my emotions. lol.

Remmy.

January 9, 2009

Theres something very inauthentic about everything you say, as if you have a carefully constructed false self, as if your hiding from yourself. you keep saying over and over that you feeling you'v been made this way for a reason, looking for a 'higher' reason or applying this type of thinking to our existance is often away of avoiding the horror that there was no good reason for the agony we've been subjected too. looking for this type of reason allows us to protect parents/adults from the blame they deserve and prevent us from stading by ourselves and our truth, emotions included. feelings and emotions are what is authentic, analyse is just an intelectual defence.
My very first thought when I read your reply was agreement in your perception. That I know many of my replies in this thread come off constructed, robitic, inpersonal etc. The words "fake", "false", and "facade" always come up when I channel Nev; who is an extension of my rationalisation, my logic, reason and objectivity. And it's rarely emotional when I channel her.
"looking for a 'higher' reason or applying this type of thinking to our existance is often away of avoiding the horror that there was no good reason for the agony we've been subjected too."
Maybe you're right, and there was no good reason for my parents to do what they did, treat me the way they did, for the events in my life to take place as they did. Perhaps, there was no reason for it in direct relation to me, but there is always a reason. Always cause. For example, my fathers inability to be a father not only has to do with his own poor judgment, but the fact his father blew his own brains out when he was a child, thus never having a father himself to "compare notes with" if you will. Though that has nothing to do with me at all, it doesn't change the chain reaction of cause and effect, and that the effect it had on him, trickled down into the effect he had on me.
The reasons may not be good, I can agree to that. But I do feel their is a reason for me being who I am, and I accept it's probably a delusion I afford myself to tailor to my own morbid desires. A delusion to help me aim this darkness to something kinder, better. I have the "darkness" if you will, and it pleasures me more then it pains me. So yes, I believe this darkness is for a good reason, because if I didn't, there would be no bounds, no morals for my damnation if you will. If i didn't belive in a higher purpose I'd have to find new goals, and they'd be far less pretty. And I know that. I know that this delusion of mine is what keeps me a "reasonable' person. I know that without belief in this higher purpose, I'd feel no need to mind myself. No need to control myself. No need to try and taylor my desires for the good. To be a good natured person.
Yeah. I choose to believe my "darkness', the way I am is for a "higher" reason if I didn't. I'd just mean I'm a bad person. That I want to do kill, maim and torture people just because. Shits and giggles if you will. To pry them apart and push their buttons just to see what they can handle. My own morbid amusment. The very fact I don't want to be that kind of person says something I'm sure. So yeah, believing in a higher reason gives me personal justification for being the way I am.
" looking for this type of reason allows us to protect parents/adults from the blame they deserve and prevent us from stading by ourselves and our truth, emotions included. ."
This one, though, I had to chuckle at a little. I don't protect them from the blame. The only protection in reguard to my parents I give, is protection of those who care about them. My sisters and my little brother who still care about them. If not for my consideration for their feelings, I'd rip my parents apart and make them see and admit the things that impacted me most. And i'd enjoy every cruel moment of it.
"feelings and emotions are what is authentic, analyse is just an intelectual defence"
I have feelings and emotions, I just handle them differently, I supress or deny them when I feel it's necessary or benificial to me or what ever I'm doing. I also choose not to share my emotions and feelings with those I don't think will actually appreciate them.
Remmy.

you said you didnt hate your parents, but any child hurt/neglected by parents carries hate inside them, its often difficult to access but by not spending time putting this anger and blame where it deserve to go is protecting them. its also an excuse for replaying it on to others, often in v subtle, v damaging ways. Im not saying you dont have feelings, but you clearly manipulate them rather than experience them. you say you did such a good job of supporting your father as if you were proud of that, rather than facing the horror of a child forced into such a roll, the angony and confusion of not having their needs met. not embracing these childhood emotions, pain, is a way of protecting parents from the blame they deserve. its also a way of not taking responsibility as adult, if we dont hold parents accountable for their crimes then we can excuse ourselves the same way, and by not applying compassion and support to yourself for what youv been subjected to is also the excuse for not viewing other humans in the same light. our emotions, feelings and anger are essential on a daily basis, they are what protect us and communicate risk to us, help us make positive decisions for ourselves. denying or supressing them is just manipulating them and is not true, honest or authetic, and allways negative. I appriciate that it is so not easy to allways do this, but it does happen after work, we can never truely know ourelves or our truth if our feelings are not free just to be experienced, and I knwo that after being forced to deny emotions this does not come natuaraly it is possible, but for this to be possible illusions defences and false selves need to be discarded

January 9, 2009

you said you didnt hate your parents, but any child hurt/neglected by parents carries hate inside them, its often difficult to access but by not spending time putting this anger and blame where it deserve to go is protecting them.

Negitive. Most, children will carry the hate, sure, but not everyone is the same. I don't hate them. I don't love them either, and I would take pleasure in their suffering, but that's hardly any different then me taking pleasure in others. I actually thank them, in a way, because if things hadn't gone the way they did, if they hadn't treated me the way they did, I wouldn't be who I am. How could I hate them when they've helped me, even if that wasn't a consious choice they made, but rather happen stance? Sure, they're idiots, and they are the cause of so much, and they don't agree with my antics, and them knowing they were the cause, me making them aware of it would crush them. And I'm okay with that, but their demise would hurt my twin. It would hurt my older sister. My younger brother. So if me sparing my siblings that pain is protecting my parents, well then lucky them.

its also an excuse for replaying it on to others, often in v subtle, v damaging ways. Im not saying you dont have feelings, but you clearly manipulate them rather than experience them.

I don't need an excuse, I do it, in the end, because I want to. And my reasons for wanting to change per person. And you're right, I do manipulate my own feelings, but I also experience them. Again, it's cercumstancial. When I manipulate and when I experience depends on what I'm after.

you say you did such a good job of supporting your father as if you were proud of that, rather than facing the horror of a child forced into such a roll, the angony and confusion of not having their needs met.

When I was a child, I was proud of it. Of being the one who supported him. Now? I think it's funny how silly I was. I was a naif, plain and simple. I know how horrible it was for him not to have seen what was going on. How blind of him not to realize I was closing off my emotions to help him. He was an idiot, and still is. He's still as needy now, as he was then. You also have to understand, as a child, I didn't know it wasn't right. As an adult, I do. But that doesn't change anything. I know where the blame goes, but I'm all about advancement, moving forward, accomplishing my goals what ever they may be. Slapping the blame on his forhead, wont help me. It'll probably entertain me all the way to the point where he kills himself, but after that... what do I get? What does it do for me? It's not benificial enough for me to bother, nor does the benifit for ME outweigh the hurt for my siblings. I don't need to slap the blame on his forhead to get peace. I have peace knowing I know.

not embracing these childhood emotions, pain, is a way of protecting parents from the blame they deserve. its also a way of not taking responsibility as adult, if we dont hold parents accountable for their crimes then we can excuse ourselves the same way, and by not applying compassion and support to yourself for what youv been subjected to is also the excuse for not viewing other humans in the same light. our emotions, feelings and anger are essential on a daily basis, they are what protect us and communicate risk to us, help us make positive decisions for ourselves. denying or supressing them is just manipulating them and is not true, honest or authetic, and allways negative. I appriciate that it is so not easy to allways do this, but it does happen after work, we can never truely know ourelves or our truth if our feelings are not free just to be experienced, and I knwo that after being forced to deny emotions this does not come natuaraly it is possible, but for this to be possible illusions defences and false selves need to be discarded

I was going to continue to break up your reply, but I get the feeling, based on your reply, this is very personal for you. From personal experience. Which brings me to the fact that not everyone is the same. That not everyone is effected the same. I was not forced to deny my emotions. I chose to as a child, to with hold them. Was it stupid? At the time, what I knew then, no. Do i believe it was stupid now? Generally speaking, yes. Things, I know, would be different if I hadn't, but I did. I made the choice because I wanted to be someone special to him and I didn't know how else to do it. It was a choice I made.

I was not the kind of kid who waited for others to direct me. I was one of those kids who made choices on my own, right or wrong. I always have been that way. I chose to obay my parents to void being in trouble, or I chose not to because I felt the act against them was worth the punishment later. I've always been one to think about these things, which maybe made me beyond myself, but it was what it was, and now is what it is.

In my honest opinion, you're choosing to only see [or maybe only read] part of what I've offered here. Only part of the truth of who I am, what I am, and how I became this way. Not that I'm saying you need to read this entire thread, or all my threads, but the picture would be much clearer to you if you did. You could see through the whole window, and not just one frame in the lower left hand corner. I have a thread, in unsent letter, directed at my parents. I know where the blame goes. I know almost all of the causes of who I am, even if I don't share with others. I might not share with others, not because I'm ashamed, but because there's just been no reason for it. I don't need other people to know in order for me to believe it, or to back it up. I know. And I'm the only one who needs to know.

January 9, 2009

no not personal, just human

child development is very standard, their needs are the same the world over. the thoughts may have been different but feelings are not. the concept of choice is not a valid one with regard to children

January 9, 2009

Jumping into the kool-aid with all four paws!

I view this thread and consider that it would be better placed in "Attention-Seekers"! haha. We all get to pitch softballs at your dunk tank while you make faces at us, what fun! I can see why it amuses you. It's just another game, you laid your cards on the table and still the dummies come trying to re-read the deal. You told us you like to manipulate and hurt, but there's always a predictable number of people, like me, who'll feed the trolls. It's a very bdsm situation, which is what I prescribe for your sexual non-function. I think you could use a course in discovering your slave power. I can't wait to read what you have to say about that! Cos I've got the drama-monger strain in me, too, the "drive-by provoker" is what we called 'em when i staffed at group homes. I watch you as you play a very typical dodge game of first baiting us with "what's my diagnosis"--which would mean calling yourself SICK--then deflecting all comers with "but I feel great! I'm the master of my destiny, and maybe yours, too, if you blunder into my path! And it's all to a higher purpose! Viva Ayn Rand! Viva the new breed of crystal children! Have fun with that, you'll learn what pynn was getting at when you learn it. It is what it is, you are what you are, and all that. This is a hollodeck, nothing more. Your dreams of cruelty fuel and perpetuate the shadow archetypes of torture and greed. Some people are Maidens in Distress, some Mother Goddesses, some Whores, some Sacred Fools...you are some kind of shadowy card, a Narcissus dazzled by your own reflection. There's nothing new or special about it. Why look for a diagnosis when they are invented by those quack p-docs? It's your choice what kind of tone you play in the great harmony, sure....everything you say is so true because it's YOUR hollodeck--you get to choose how many hours of White Light Bliss you live in, and how many hours of Dark.

You own a lovely island, there, sister. Enjoy it while it lasts. Now I'm going to retreat behind my own little force-field bubble and quote poetry at you:

"Who's watching....

When you buy your clothes,

when you read the paper,

when you stay up late memorizing lines from foriegn countries television stations?

Who's watching....

when you recycle,

when you shop at co-ops,

when you buy free range chickens cause they die with dignity?

Who's watching....

when you give to the homeless,

when you feed the homeless,

when you help the homeless help themselves.

Who's watching....

when you speak with god,

when you speak to allah,

when you speak to a panel of Hindu gods fighting over gerrymandering.

Who's watching....

when you exlude people,

allienate people,

make people feel less than yourself.

Who's watching....

when you lie to your parents,

when you lie to your friends,

when you lie.......to yourself.

Who's watching....

channel 2

channel 4

cable when you can afford it.

Who's watching....

I'll tell you who's watching.

You're watching, so tread lightly in the eyes of your soul....your show might get cancelled. "

Now for the nice stuff that I like to say, since obviously I think there certainly is room for improvement in your personality, call that good or bad or what my own sense of superiority licenses me to feel comfortable saying to you:

I hope that you find a way to feel pure bliss, if just for a moment. Connectedness to the Earth. You have a cat, you know what I mean. But it's too easy to relegate pets to the place of familiar and vampirize their Spirit Power. My loving advice to help you find that white light of your buddha self: sage yourself well. Use this mantra: "I am AVAILABLE to MORE GOOD than I have ever imagined, experienced, or manifested before." Sitting outside near a friendly tree, breathe through each chakra beginning with your root. Inhale thru nose, exhale with a deep noise until you feel your ass vibrate. Move up each chakra, changing the tone you exhale with until that vortex opens and vibrates. Push the dark energy up out of the crown of your head, shake it out of your fingertips. You may cry or rage at some points. Go with the noises, but if you need control, place your hands on the ground. Send the dark into the Earth. She can take it. She is where dead things are meant to be buried, not inside of your web of life energy. When you've finished from root to crown, place the top of your head on the ground, do a head stand or just a prayer-like posture with your head on the ground. Breath the circle. Know that you are part of the One. You are absolutely Necessary. You are part of the Infinite Flow of Love. What you choose matters. You are perfectly equipped. You are perfectly beautiful. You are available to the universal flow of goodness.

I love you.

January 9, 2009

no not personal, just human
child development is very standard, their needs are the same the world over. the thoughts may have been different but feelings are not. the concept of choice is not a valid one with regard to children

We may need to agree to disagree, but I believe you're mistaken. Thoughts, preceptions, and feelings go hand in hand. And I think you're looking at it from a different view. Take away what you know of right and wrong and influence. If I child takes from the cookie jar. That's a choice. If the child lies, that's a choice. If the child throws a tantrum, that's a choice. For most, it's probably an uneducation choice, it's impulsive. But they're still making choices.

Most kids had they been in my shoes, might have felt obligated, and therefor forced to shield. To me, it wasn't an obligation, I chose. I had motive, I had a goal, and my choice was in the interest of getting me there, even though I had no idea what I was really doing at the time. It should have never been allowed to happen, because I was a child and I didn't understand it, but it did happen, and I did choose. I did NOT choose for him to tell me the things he told me, and THAT is where the blame for him begins.

In either case, it still comes down to the fact, i know where the "blame" goes. I know where the cause is for the effect. And that's all the matters to me. I don't need other people to know to feel better, though in most cases it doesn't matter either way. As long as I am aware, that's all I care about. I know. And it pleases me to know.

Remmy.

January 9, 2009

Hi Remmy

Glad its a little helpful. You are a voice hearer, and to some extent they have influence over your actions though it seems you have learned to keep them in check. This is what psychiatrists would term as a psychotic symtpom, but I am not sure that you have enough symptoms together to be diagnosed schizophrenic. The 'noises' symptom is consistent with schizophrenia, but if you look this illness up you will see that it has a whole series of very specific symtpoms which must be present together for a diagnosis.

Given everything you have said, I would think that Dissociative Identity Disorder is the most likely, so perhaps start your research there. There are many users here with DID, though you should be conscious that many of them do experience a lot of pain and come here for support and understanding. I am not saying that you will necessarily do something bad, but given what we have been discussing you may find that the level of pain expressed here is something that will irk you - not good for you or for them as Im sure you can understand.

I dont know a huge amount about DID so its tough to give any further advice. It may be worth making some posts in the psychosis board here and speak to DID sufferers. Having voices would be interprested by most psychiatrists as evidence of quite severe mental disturbance, though having said that there is a global organisation called The Voice Hearers Network, a large group of people who hear voices but do not necessarily have a mental health diagnosis. However the difference between hearing voices and feeling compelled to act on their suggestions is a slight difference.

Something to be aware of is that psychosis-type symptoms tend to get worse with time, and with stress. Most folks that have flare-ups of psychotic symptoms get them when something has caused a large stress for the person. Of course, what is stressful varies from person to person, but you may find that when things are getting a bit much for you, that your voices are more active. It is possible that with time, you may develop other psychotic symptoms. I was asking about the feelings of perhaps being watched because often paranoia can come up in psyhcosis. Combined with the elements of Ira that seek to harm others, becoming actively paranoid could lead to your seriously harming someone. These are clearly very extreme scenarios, but in terms of considering whether you want to raise this with a psychiatrist you may want to consider possible future effects on both yourself and others.

There are a whole raft of disorders that show these symptoms, others are schizoaffective, schizophreniform, borderline personality, bipolar disorder and so on, though each disorder must have a specific set of symtoms found together to be diagnosed. However this is a fast growing area of psychiatry, due in the main to its rigid adherence to a set of criteria that were 'agreed upon' about 100 years ago. In short, you have a very interesting set of symptoms.

Do you remember what age you began to hear those voices?

Best of luck!

January 9, 2009

Jumping into the kool-aid with all four paws!
I view this thread and consider that it would be better placed in "Attention-Seekers"! haha. We all get to pitch softballs at your dunk tank while you make faces at us, what fun! I can see why it amuses you. It's just another game, you laid your cards on the table and still the dummies come trying to re-read the deal. You told us you like to manipulate and hurt, but there's always a predictable number of people, like me, who'll feed the trolls. It's a very bdsm situation, which is what I prescribe for your sexual non-function. I think you could use a course in discovering your slave power. I can't wait to read what you have to say about that!

Yeah, "Attention Seekers" is what it's seemed to turn out as. In fact I think only one person so far as actually grasped what my original posting was all about. The rest of this is me answering questions and explaining misconceptions, to what ever end. I actually do have a mild interest in BDSM, but not really. The slave/master gig doesn't appeal, the only part I like about the concept is domination. Even so, I'm not a submisive person, and I actually get annoyed by those that are. But each to their own.

Cos I've got the drama-monger strain in me, too, the "drive-by provoker" is what we called 'em when i staffed at group homes. I watch you as you play a very typical dodge game of first baiting us with "what's my diagnosis"--which would mean calling yourself SICK--then deflecting all comers with "but I feel great! I'm the master of my destiny, and maybe yours, too, if you blunder into my path! And it's all to a higher purpose! Viva Ayn Rand! Viva the new breed of crystal children! Have fun with that, you'll learn what pynn was getting at when you learn it. It is what it is, you are what you are, and all that. This is a hollodeck, nothing more. Your dreams of cruelty fuel and perpetuate the shadow archetypes of torture and greed. Some people are Maidens in Distress, some Mother Goddesses, some Whores, some Sacred Fools...you are some kind of shadowy card, a Narcissus dazzled by your own reflection. There's nothing new or special about it. Why look for a diagnosis when they are invented by those quack p-docs? It's your choice what kind of tone you play in the great harmony, sure....everything you say is so true because it's YOUR hollodeck--you get to choose how many hours of White Light Bliss you live in, and how many hours of Dark.

I'd say that's quite poetic of you, but you really did put a poem in your reply [which I haven't gotten to yet]. I'm not sure if you read the whole thread, or only skimmed it, in either case it matters little. You'd be the second person to say such things, though I give you props because you're much more creative and... "pretty" with it. And by pretty I mean the way you describe it, which implies you're a writer, either by profession or passion, maybe both. If you want to know my opinion on the matter anyway, go find that string of posts in this thread.

You own a lovely island, there, sister. Enjoy it while it lasts. Now I'm going to retreat behind my own little force-field bubble and quote poetry at you:
"Who's watching....
When you buy your clothes,
when you read the paper,
when you stay up late memorizing lines from foriegn countries television stations?
Who's watching....
when you recycle,
when you shop at co-ops,
when you buy free range chickens cause they die with dignity?
Who's watching....
when you give to the homeless,
when you feed the homeless,
when you help the homeless help themselves.
Who's watching....
when you speak with god,
when you speak to allah,
when you speak to a panel of Hindu gods fighting over gerrymandering.
Who's watching....
when you exlude people,
allienate people,
make people feel less than yourself.
Who's watching....
when you lie to your parents,
when you lie to your friends,
when you lie.......to yourself.
Who's watching....
channel 2
channel 4
cable when you can afford it.
Who's watching....
I'll tell you who's watching.
You're watching, so tread lightly in the eyes of your soul....your show might get cancelled. "

That's a very interesting, and lightly amusing poem. True. And if my show gets cancelled, who knows, maybe there will be re-runs!

Now for the nice stuff that I like to say, since obviously I think there certainly is room for improvement in your personality, call that good or bad or what my own sense of superiority licenses me to feel comfortable saying to you:
I hope that you find a way to feel pure bliss, if just for a moment. Connectedness to the Earth. You have a cat, you know what I mean. But it's too easy to relegate pets to the place of familiar and vampirize their Spirit Power. My loving advice to help you find that white light of your buddha self: sage yourself well. Use this mantra: "I am AVAILABLE to MORE GOOD than I have ever imagined, experienced, or manifested before." Sitting outside near a friendly tree, breathe through each chakra beginning with your root. Inhale thru nose, exhale with a deep noise until you feel your ass vibrate. Move up each chakra, changing the tone you exhale with until that vortex opens and vibrates. Push the dark energy up out of the crown of your head, shake it out of your fingertips. You may cry or rage at some points. Go with the noises, but if you need control, place your hands on the ground. Send the dark into the Earth. She can take it. She is where dead things are meant to be buried, not inside of your web of life energy. When you've finished from root to crown, place the top of your head on the ground, do a head stand or just a prayer-like posture with your head on the ground. Breath the circle. Know that you are part of the One. You are absolutely Necessary. You are part of the Infinite Flow of Love. What you choose matters. You are perfectly equipped. You are perfectly beautiful. You are available to the universal flow of goodness.
I love you.

I admit to being amused and mildly perplexed at the same time to this last segment of yours. I don't know what Chakra is, so I'm going to have to look that up, though "Sage yourself well" I do understand. In any case, these things of which you describe only hold power to those who believe in them. I would have to truly and completely believe in it as I did it, and I honestly don't see that happening. I believe in a God, I believe in mother nature, I believe that all things large or small are not only connected in some way but that they influence each other. The butterfly effect if you will.

I wont tell you that you don't or can't love me, because I am not you. And I do believe it's possible to love people for what ever reason, even if you know little to nothing about them. But I also believe it's a different kind of love. A different "level" you could say. In either case, thank you for jumping all four paws into this mixing pot of truths.

Remmy.

January 9, 2009

Hi Remmy
Glad its a little helpful. You are a voice hearer, and to some extent they have influence over your actions though it seems you have learned to keep them in check. This is what psychiatrists would term as a psychotic symtpom, but I am not sure that you have enough symptoms together to be diagnosed schizophrenic. The 'noises' symptom is consistent with schizophrenia, but if you look this illness up you will see that it has a whole series of very specific symtpoms which must be present together for a diagnosis.

Yeah, I thought you were leaning toward schizophrenia. Yes, the voices do have an influence, but I still make my own choices. As of right now, I'm not sure if they're their own entities [which they almost feel like] or extensions of parts of myself. As if I've split my base perona. It's a debate I've had [with them] for a year or two now. It's also possibly the ONLY reason I might consider seeing a doctor, because I think it would help me perfect my antics if I knew if they were split parts of me, or entities on their own. The one reason I lean to "entities on their own" is because of Mark. And I warn, this may be disturbing to some so if you're sensitive, skip this part. .... But Mark, before we found a way around it, would.. project [for lack of a better description] images of his thoughts in my head. I hope that makes sense. Example being, I would be walking behind a woman, didn't matter if I knew her or not, and in my head I would see a man with her. The man I presume to be Mark. Or I would turn my eyes away from her, and when I look dow the line of my own body, it's not my body I see but his. I'm trying not to be graphic. lol. Anyway, it was a little disturbing being that I am very much female, and very much straight. Mark and I spoke about it and agreed that he'd try and refrain from projecting. It still happens every now and then, but not so often. Anyway, that's why I lean toward, their own entities.

Given everything you have said, I would think that Dissociative Identity Disorder is the most likely, so perhaps start your research there. There are many users here with DID, though you should be conscious that many of them do experience a lot of pain and come here for support and understanding. I am not saying that you will necessarily do something bad, but given what we have been discussing you may find that the level of pain expressed here is something that will irk you - not good for you or for them as Im sure you can understand.

Oh, I completely understand, and in fact someone else in this thread had pointed out to me a lot of the people here are emotionally raw [as a newbie, I didn't realize that] so I have actually refrained from posting on other people's threads just to make sure I don't do more damage then good, because despite what some think, that wasn't what I came here for. And yes, DID is actually one I thought of first when I started seriouslly trying to figure out Ira, Mark and Nevonka. It's definatly something I want to look into, just because I like knowing. And who knows, maybe one day I'll want to change the way I am. It's possible. Right now, I like being me. Even if I am "messed up" in some way. I'm playing it by ear. Out side of that, my antics help drive me toward my goals.

I dont know a huge amount about DID so its tough to give any further advice. It may be worth making some posts in the psychosis board here and speak to DID sufferers. Having voices would be interprested by most psychiatrists as evidence of quite severe mental disturbance, though having said that there is a global organisation called The Voice Hearers Network, a large group of people who hear voices but do not necessarily have a mental health diagnosis. However the difference between hearing voices and feeling compelled to act on their suggestions is a slight difference.

When they first showed up. In the begining, I was compelled. However, since then, the only way I am compelled is through their persuasion. Their ability to convince me some how. Usually they make the attempt through twisted logic and reason, which was how Ira went about the finger issue. Anyroad.

Something to be aware of is that psychosis-type symptoms tend to get worse with time, and with stress. Most folks that have flare-ups of psychotic symptoms get them when something has caused a large stress for the person. Of course, what is stressful varies from person to person, but you may find that when things are getting a bit much for you, that your voices are more active. It is possible that with time, you may develop other psychotic symptoms. I was asking about the feelings of perhaps being watched because often paranoia can come up in psyhcosis. Combined with the elements of Ira that seek to harm others, becoming actively paranoid could lead to your seriously harming someone. These are clearly very extreme scenarios, but in terms of considering whether you want to raise this with a psychiatrist you may want to consider possible future effects on both yourself and others.

Even the 'symptoms' I have now get more intense when I'm stressed or agitated. Particularly Ira. She feeds on it. And in all honestly, exteme scenarios is Ira's specialty. Her answer to all my problems, discomforts, questions or concerns is violence of one kind or another. It's a passion for her and it even scares me a little. Mostly because she's in me and she has no regaurd for "the real world". And by that I mean, she doesn't take into account the price of murder if caught is between rotting in prison or being killed by the state. And for sure, the higher my stress the more they get at one another, Mark and Ira fight a lot, Nevonka is the mediator. I try and either stay out of it, or shut them all up. On that note, the system I have, my antics, my way of life is set up in a way to counter balance things that may cause me stress. And thus, my equilibrium doesn't waiver much. So I've not had any "episodes" in nearly six months.

Do you remember what age you began to hear those voices?
Best of luck!

Alright, it could have been before [Memory problems is why I'm not sure. Either because I shielded memories or because of shattering a windshield with my head at 13] But as near as I can remember, it was about the age of 13. It could have been many things that started it. One, I was hit by a car. Two, it was the first time I'd ever been sucker punched, and I'd vowed never to let anyone hit me without me hitting them back. Three a breaking point in my psyche do to my parents and my life thus far, or a combination of all the above. lol.

Oh, and I appologize if my replies have seemed scatter brained at all. I'm at work, and I get interupted periodically so I lose my train of thought. :-D

Remmy.

January 10, 2009

Yeah yeah yeah... That's exactly what I meant. You make it so much more complicated than it is. Maybe you see that as intelligence, thinking deep thoughts about everything. I was just saying; lighten up. That's how I keep my feet on the ground, by realising how tiny our planet and it's inhabitants are. It makes me laugh at all the stupid little rules mankind made, and things like religion.
When I think about the vastness of space, and then think about mankind... I just can't help but laugh. But hey, I'm alive. I'm human. Might as well make the most of it for myself while I'm here, right?
I guess I was just saying maybe you shouldn't take yourself so seriously.
My 4... Nah, not gonna get into that.
Hmm. I find your replies very interesting in that I did not get "lighten up" at all from your previous reply. I admit that could have simply been how I was reading it. In any case it goes "to each their own". I definatly know that I don't apear very ... chill.. relaxed, at ease on this thread in particular but it's namely because I'm just trying to absorb and give a lot of information.
And I also know I apear far more serious in this thread then I am on a normal basis, but, it's again because I'm relaying information and taking information. I don't think "livly" as it were when I'm in this state, I find it easier to be objective and "void" of opinion as best I can.
Oh, and I didn't do three cents to over do you, I did three cents because three is my favorite number. lol. I've done it on other threads too, "Three Cents".
Remmy.

Cool. I really appreciate this reply!

Thanks! (Also for the Three Cents )

January 10, 2009

Cool. I really appreciate this reply!
Thanks! (Also for the Three Cents )

lol. You're welcome. Feel free to jump in at any time. We value all cents. :-D

Remmy.

January 10, 2009

Now for the nice stuff that I like to say, since obviously I think there certainly is room for improvement in your personality, call that good or bad or what my own sense of superiority licenses me to feel comfortable saying to you:
I hope that you find a way to feel pure bliss, if just for a moment. Connectedness to the Earth. You have a cat, you know what I mean. But it's too easy to relegate pets to the place of familiar and vampirize their Spirit Power. My loving advice to help you find that white light of your buddha self: sage yourself well. Use this mantra: "I am AVAILABLE to MORE GOOD than I have ever imagined, experienced, or manifested before." Sitting outside near a friendly tree, breathe through each chakra beginning with your root. Inhale thru nose, exhale with a deep noise until you feel your ass vibrate. Move up each chakra, changing the tone you exhale with until that vortex opens and vibrates. Push the dark energy up out of the crown of your head, shake it out of your fingertips. You may cry or rage at some points. Go with the noises, but if you need control, place your hands on the ground. Send the dark into the Earth. She can take it. She is where dead things are meant to be buried, not inside of your web of life energy. When you've finished from root to crown, place the top of your head on the ground, do a head stand or just a prayer-like posture with your head on the ground. Breath the circle. Know that you are part of the One. You are absolutely Necessary. You are part of the Infinite Flow of Love. What you choose matters. You are perfectly equipped. You are perfectly beautiful. You are available to the universal flow of goodness.
I love you.
I admit to being amused and mildly perplexed at the same time to this last segment of yours. I don't know what Chakra is, so I'm going to have to look that up, though "Sage yourself well" I do understand. In any case, these things of which you describe only hold power to those who believe in them. I would have to truly and completely believe in it as I did it, and I honestly don't see that happening. I believe in a God, I believe in mother nature, I believe that all things large or small are not only connected in some way but that they influence each other. The butterfly effect if you will.
I wont tell you that you don't or can't love me, because I am not you. And I do believe it's possible to love people for what ever reason, even if you know little to nothing about them. But I also believe it's a different kind of love. A different "level" you could say. In either case, thank you for jumping all four paws into this mixing pot of truths.
Remmy.

I'm glad you're amused! Hopefully this exercise is raising your percentage of "amused" emotional state, maybe even lifting it above the "bland neutral" majority of your affective life... I can sense your energy imbalance all the way here, in fact, I experienced you as a wave of suffocating blackness, choking in stagnated chi. That's not how it has to be, there is a metaphysical substance called Grace, it's yours, and I long for you to taste its bliss. There are as many roads and rituals to finding it as there are individuals. So if you prefer going to confession, speaking in tongues, running until you get high, dancing at a rave under the desert stars, or drawing on the right side of your brain, what ever works to bring you to that sacred Flow, the Playfulness of the Tau.

Your chakras are energy vortexes going up your spine. The one located at the base of your spine is the root chakra which connects you to Earth's lifeforce and is responsible for your will to survive. 2. Sacral chakra= internal organs, sexuality, self gratification. Located between naval and root. 3. Solar Plexus = personal power, will, self-definition. 4. Heart Chakra=love, compassion, peace, centeredness. 5. Throat chakra=communication. 6. Third Eye=self-reflection, "seeing" the big picture. 7. Crown chakra=spiritual connection, wisdom, bliss. You can attempt to wall these energy centers off from one another and you'll fuck up your mind-body-spirit circuitry. It's a fact and a truth. So all these nice high emotional iq folks have been intuitively picking up on you same as I have, noting your clogged, compartmentalized, over-compensatory, and contrived style. I'm telling you this because you can take it, you like it rough, the will-to-power is currently the only thing that you respect.

(that's why i prescribed a stint as a puppy slave. You need to learn some respect for the shoulders on which you're trying to stand. As a dom, you'd be dangerous, just another dime-a-dozen poser with a flogger. You're better than that run of the mill, you've got a keenness and a sense of humor that could only be corrupted by premature power. To have your heart chakra opened by the informed strokes of a master could be just what you need to re-experience yourself as a child and at last to have compassion for your helplessness.)

Now I'm going to dare you to do something. Just out of orneriness. I dare you to work my above meditation with some sort of consistency with your earnest efforts, not to "believe" in it, but to earnestly "work" it, for some defined time period, and journal or blog about it, eventually reporting back what if any results you experience. Because it's not about some particular kind of religious prosletyzing, it's more about the clinically proven results yoga has on mind-body-spirit health. Not that I do yoga per se, i lack the self discipline for that, I do this instead. Precisely because i DONT have to believe anything in order to do it. In fact, emptying oneself of beliefs is a great route to mindfulness. (i get a kick out of that little paradox.)

I could package together a meditation kit of links and notes for you, and I'd also be happy to do a tarot reading for you. You intrigue me. You are familiar to me. That's why I can say I love you, and you're not so special, at the same time. I am attracted to your archetype because it is a powerful and charismatic one--charismatic in its tragedy. I have this gift/problem: of hugging the unhuggables, of loving those allergic to love. There is still time for transformation. It doesn't matter what "god" or "mother nature" you're talking about when you say you believe in them, in the Great Interdependence. This butterfly effect you speak of, that's the key. The grace you exist in is that every past thing in the Universe necessarily gave rise to you, and now that you're in it, every future thing in the Universe depends on you, HERE, NOW. And so it's only reasonable for me to give you Love, that shining radiance of my White Light Being--you and I are quantum twins, sure as you and your sister are biological twins. Your choice of whether or not to ascend figures into my own journey of Becoming, and mine into yours.

I've really enjoyed watching your slick "antics" unfold here (yes, i've carefully perused the entire thread and my post was not as redundant as you thought, although i'm flattered you find it "pretty"). You are not the only student of human tropes, and I'm starting to appreciate your offering here. Much can be gleaned from the dissection and affection of trolls.

Namaste.

January 10, 2009

Catspiracy, I couldn't agree with you more. This girl is seriously a master manipulator and this post belongs in the attenion seekers forum. There are contradictions in all her posts, so many I can't be bothered wasting my time pointing it out as she seems to find everything so amusing or becomes defensive and claims how happy she is with the "equilibrium" that she has achieved (whatever that means), if you ask me I think her thinking is far from balanced. One of the contradictions is that there is not such thing as a good sociopath, just a sociopath.

January 10, 2009

(that's why i prescribed a stint as a puppy slave. You need to learn some respect for the shoulders on which you're trying to stand. As a dom, you'd be dangerous, just another dime-a-dozen poser with a flogger. You're better than that run of the mill, you've got a keenness and a sense of humor that could only be corrupted by premature power. To have your heart chakra opened by the informed strokes of a master could be just what you need to re-experience yourself as a child and at last to have compassion for your helplessness.)

Cat, this is interesting, exactly what do you mean by it?

January 10, 2009

I'm glad you're amused! Hopefully this exercise is raising your percentage of "amused" emotional state, maybe even lifting it above the "bland neutral" majority of your affective life...

Actually, as stated in a previous reply, my neutrality is only about 40-50%. But nontheless....

I can sense your energy imbalance all the way here, in fact, I experienced you as a wave of suffocating blackness, choking in stagnated chi. That's not how it has to be, there is a metaphysical substance called Grace, it's yours, and I long for you to taste its bliss. There are as many roads and rituals to finding it as there are individuals. So if you prefer going to confession, speaking in tongues, running until you get high, dancing at a rave under the desert stars, or drawing on the right side of your brain, what ever works to bring you to that sacred Flow, the Playfulness of the Tau.

A suffocating wave of blackness hmm? Interesting, I'll have to take your word on that, too I'll have to take your word on how it felt to you and the fact you can sense my "imbalance".

Your chakras are energy vortexes going up your spine. The one located at the base of your spine is the root chakra which connects you to Earth's lifeforce and is responsible for your will to survive. 2. Sacral chakra= internal organs, sexuality, self gratification. Located between naval and root. 3. Solar Plexus = personal power, will, self-definition. 4. Heart Chakra=love, compassion, peace, centeredness. 5. Throat chakra=communication. 6. Third Eye=self-reflection, "seeing" the big picture. 7. Crown chakra=spiritual connection, wisdom, bliss. You can attempt to wall these energy centers off from one another and you'll fuck up your mind-body-spirit circuitry. It's a fact and a truth.

Truth, I will agree. Fact? Facts are unquestioned, and I am sure there are more then even a handful that would dispute this. But truth? Yes, I can agree that is a truth.

So all these nice high emotional iq folks have been intuitively picking up on you same as I have, noting your clogged, compartmentalized, over-compensatory, and contrived style. I'm telling you this because you can take it, you like it rough, the will-to-power is currently the only thing that you respect.

The latter half of your statement is inaccurate, but that's alright. I wouldn't expect you to think otherwise. I find it very facinating and interesting that you -moreso then anyone- seem to be fixated that because I'm not emotionally raw all the time, I am "clogged" or "imbalanced". Which is fine, I can understand your logic, and the truths of your perspectives, opinions and beliefs.

(that's why i prescribed a stint as a puppy slave. You need to learn some respect for the shoulders on which you're trying to stand. As a dom, you'd be dangerous, just another dime-a-dozen poser with a flogger. You're better than that run of the mill, you've got a keenness and a sense of humor that could only be corrupted by premature power. To have your heart chakra opened by the informed strokes of a master could be just what you need to re-experience yourself as a child and at last to have compassion for your helplessness.)

A flogger? Negitive. I have no interest in being a dom, or a slave. Do I have interest in being dominated? Yes. Will it ever happen? I hope so. I have no interest in re-experiencing myself as a child. And I do have a few situations, feelings, thoughts, and cercumstances in my life in which I am helpless. But such is a part of life, and like everything else, I work with what I have and do what I feel I need to in order to obtain what ever goal, dispite this.

Now I'm going to dare you to do something.

Before I even read the dare, I have to ask, what makes you think a "dare" has any sway? I know there are people who can't help themselves at the challenge, and admittedly I used to be one of them. Oh, the stupid shit I did just because someone dared me. But such days are past. That being said, I'll read on.

Just out of orneriness. I dare you to work my above meditation with some sort of consistency with your earnest efforts, not to "believe" in it, but to earnestly "work" it, for some defined time period, and journal or blog about it, eventually reporting back what if any results you experience. Because it's not about some particular kind of religious prosletyzing, it's more about the clinically proven results yoga has on mind-body-spirit health. Not that I do yoga per se, i lack the self discipline for that, I do this instead. Precisely because i DONT have to believe anything in order to do it. In fact, emptying oneself of beliefs is a great route to mindfulness. (i get a kick out of that little paradox.)

Hmm. I am going to decline. Would it hurt me to do it? No, not outside of taking up my time. Would it help me? Possibly and probably. Any time set out for myself and none else is helpful. Relaxing, and soothing if not coaxing to my peace. But, too, that's what the gun range is for. It's a different kind of purging and I enjoy it. I feel relaxed and happy afterword. And it doesn't rightly matter what you think about it, though I do value your replies and points of view. In the end, it only matters of mine.

I could package together a meditation kit of links and notes for you, and I'd also be happy to do a tarot reading for you. You intrigue me. You are familiar to me. That's why I can say I love you, and you're not so special, at the same time. I am attracted to your archetype because it is a powerful and charismatic one--charismatic in its tragedy. I have this gift/problem: of hugging the unhuggables, of loving those allergic to love.

I am not unhuggable, though you'd be accurate to assume I don't hug often, though you may not know why. I will tell you my reasons for not hugging on a regular basis. The number one reason? Because I want the hug to mean something, not just to me, but to the person recieving it. I watch people, I see the way they look and react when hugged by someone who hugs everyone. It's not as powerful, as meaningful, it's almost mindless. But when they're hugged by someone like me, who doesn't hug so often, you can see the impact. Be it that they feel privilaged, or just that they feel warm and comforted for the simple fact that this person, a person who doesn't usually share such effections, chose to share it with them because they wanted to. The hugged feels the warmth in the embrace, and it means something not just to one, but both.

I am not allergic to love, though I do believe I understand what you mean by that. Maybe not. In any case I love my cat Monkey [Her name is Mokey, but we call her Monkey, useless info] of that I have no doubt. I love her with everything I have. I do not love my parents, in fact even thinking about it makes me sick. I love my Twin, but it's a wierd sense of love I think, it is not the same as the way I love my cat. Not even close. When I think of Monkey and how much I love her there is nothing but warmth and happiness in my mind. When I think of the love I have for my Twin it's this level of uncertainty, which I believe is spawned off the fact that I can't share everything with her because she doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't want to know, and that hurts me. It saddens me that I can't even tell her about certain things.

There is still time for transformation. It doesn't matter what "god" or "mother nature" you're talking about when you say you believe in them, in the Great Interdependence. This butterfly effect you speak of, that's the key. The grace you exist in is that every past thing in the Universe necessarily gave rise to you, and now that you're in it, every future thing in the Universe depends on you, HERE, NOW. And so it's only reasonable for me to give you Love, that shining radiance of my White Light Being--you and I are quantum twins, sure as you and your sister are biological twins. Your choice of whether or not to ascend figures into my own journey of Becoming, and mine into yours.
I've really enjoyed watching your slick "antics" unfold here (yes, i've carefully perused the entire thread and my post was not as redundant as you thought, although i'm flattered you find it "pretty"). You are not the only student of human tropes, and I'm starting to appreciate your offering here. Much can be gleaned from the dissection and affection of trolls.
Namaste.

As I come to the end of your reply here I find myself tired. Tired because I know no matter my reply it wont change what you see and thus is it quite futile. The only way, I believe, that I could make you think differently of me was if I bended to your will, your own antics and methods. If I came to you proclaiming I'd done as you asked and poured my soul to you, only then would you say I am clean, balanced, and well. But would I be? I have the inkling you expected this reply, expected me to decline, but would have been surprised had I accepted your offers.

Some of you here assume that I am broken because in your worlds I am. I can admit I probably do have something wrong with me, and am broken in more ways then one. But even with my broken pieces i have found a way to accept them, because not all broken things can be mended. And perhaps it is my broken pieces that remind me I am human. That make me happy to remember that even with my ability to shield, manipulate and twist things to suite me, that I am human, and I am vulnerable under my shields, and that one day, I will open those shields to expose the tenderness undeneath to someone or more then one who I feel will truly appreciate it. A person or people whom I feel comfortable with, who I care about, who I feel safe with. A person or people who do not proclaim to know me beyond myself, or proclaim to understand my logic for something that it's not. A person or people who aren't out to "fix" me, or heal me, or cleans me, but there to be there for me. With me. To walk along side me no matter the path I walk.

Is my life the best it can be right now? No. Are parts missing? Yes. But do not think that because I am as I am, I am not aware of these nor that I have no intentions of aquiring them. They keys only have so many uses unless you have the car in which they actually go to. There are some things I want to have in order, before I persue the things missing. And that's all that matters.

I ponder if I have wasted my time in replying to you at all, but I agree to myself that you deserve the same amount of attention and reply as anyone else. At least for now. And many people think that because I am a master manipulator that I am always manipulating. It's why I don't tell people in my every day life. I can't expect anything less then such thoughts here, nor is there any way for me to prove otherwise, not that I would if there was a way. I will, however, continue to elaborate, correct or otherwise explain my thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. And you can take of it what you will.

Remmy.

January 10, 2009

Catspiracy, I couldn't agree with you more. This girl is seriously a master manipulator and this post belongs in the attenion seekers forum. There are contradictions in all her posts, so many I can't be bothered wasting my time pointing it out as she seems to find everything so amusing or becomes defensive and claims how happy she is with the "equilibrium" that she has achieved (whatever that means), if you ask me I think her thinking is far from balanced. One of the contradictions is that there is not such thing as a good sociopath, just a sociopath.

Even though you weren't speaking to me I am replying, if only to point out that which you have so clearly missed in my posts already. I have admitted to these contradictions, and as I've said they are this way because they are circumstantial. I'm not even going to bother with the center of your reply, I aknowledge it would be a waste, but again you've missed that fact I've already said there's no such thing as a good sociopath. People [myself included] see what they want to see, read what they want to read.

And I have not single handledly turned this thread into the mass it is. I was after one thing, and one thing only when I wrote my first post, and only one person has understood it. Which makes me wonder if perhaps I wasn't clear,or if perhaps the rest simply chose not to see.

January 10, 2009

I just thought I'd tell you guys, and you'll know who you are, that you've sucessfully provoked the beast. Intended or not. She suggested, that I should really manipulate this thread, and the thought had crossed my mind, but to what end. For my pleasure? For her pleasure? I personally would rather not waste the time but Ira would have fun.

When I find myself in a situation where my efforts are futile, my words meaningless, and my circumstances hopeless I usually try and walk another path and not waste the time. But my desire to give you guys the same respect and attention I gave others has proved to serve only to agitate me because it goes so far against my usual flow. No good deed, right? I fucking hate lose-lose situations and I usually don't waste my time. But I have, and now I pay for it. And so too do others.

January 10, 2009

I admit at first my thoughts about you were much like some I just read here.

But you proved me wrong. Your words and efforts were anything but futile or meaningless to me.

Lynn

EDIT:

Just want to add that I really appreciate you took the time to reply to me, and after giving some of your posts a more thorough read, I realise I judged too soon. My apologies for that.

:)

The Good Sociopath...

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