:o(

[JustClayton]

Hello, it's me again! Luckily house in one piece and have put her new High School Musical bedding/curtains on and up so she is happy! She is HSM mad! Made number 5 cake last night and she loved that as well.

Been reading your replies to all our posts. The Xmas card is a really good idea putting your feelings in it over time will give her a real picture of your feelings. The fact that you've thought about it over a period of time shows commitment and thought for her. Love poems are so romantic...

I had the worst Xmas of my life last year having been release from hospital a week before and a house full of hubbie's family whom I don't even like. It was awful and I am dreading this year but have come to the conclusion what will be will be. I have to let go of last year and think about the future. This is very hard to do but perhaps you can draw strength and support from here and make it better. Yeah, councelling is something you have to be up for or it doesn't work. Just wait a bit and perhaps try again in 6 months or so. Perhaps you will feel better about it? Perhaps it was that you didn't gel with the councellor you had? I had one when I was under child psychiatry (many moons ago) and I always remember she wore knee high pencil skirts and Mary Poppins shoes and had THE hairiest legs in Chrisendon. I mean yeti!!! At 16 this is quite a distraction and we never hit it off. lol.

Anyway, I digress! I find being on my own very hard and have been in relationships since I was about 13! Obviously was puppy love but find tended to go from one to other and never be actually on my own. Been married nearly 9 years now and with him a lot longer. Guess it's hard standing alone when you are not sure who 'you' are. That's my feeling about it anyway. I'm hoping through talking to people I'll perhaps change my way of thinking so I feel better. Don't know but I'm droning on now you are probably asleep on your keyboard! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry im still trying to picture Mary Poppins wiv the hairy legs, lol

All I remember is filling out forms, questions, etc etc... and then this guy going away for ten minutes then coming back to tell me "Yes your depressed".. What, lol

That was it, opening up is so so hard for me... sitting there for God knows how long and going through what I went through for him to tell me that... Bye then, lol

We both agreed not to buy presents for each other this year, we usualy get the kids one to give each other. I got the card a while back so wrote quit a a few poems, messages, etc I also filled it with scratch vards, lottery tickets, Itunes vouchers, book vouchers .. its about 4 foot wide now, lol I honestly dont think it will make a difference but hey.

You may not like the people your spending Xmas with .. but surely spending Xmas with someone you dont like is better than spending Xmas with no one... (Look at me trying to give out help and advice,lol)

I hope you have a wonderful time anyway xx

[JustClayton]

This is the line that scares me...

" to try and figure out how to handle it all before it consumes you "

If I never had my past experiance I wouldnt be writing here now.. at the moment although Im drinking a lot I dont feel I need any help. But this is how it started last time and it scares me. It started with the drink, then anti depressants, drugs, self harming, then the colapsing waking up in various hospitals, then the mental home my doc tried so hard to get me into.

I think about it now and it scares me.. but instead of snapping out of it I see myself reaching for a drink... its crazy !!

I think if I can get through Xmas things would be better. Usualy I spend hundreds and hundreds byuing anything and everything. I put up 3 trees and all the tacky decorations you can think of... but this year ... nothing.

Hopefully next year smile.gif

I hope things are cool with you and your having a great day

Thanks loads for your help and support x

Is is scary. Very scary. Though I never went through what you did, I do have an understanding of it.You can't expect yourself to "snap out of it" it doesn't work like that. It doesn't. There's no instant stopping. Small steps may take you longer to get to your destination, but you still end up in the same place, and the risk of you tripping and landing on your face is smaller. One day at a time Clayton.

As for myself, I'm here to learn. I'm here to lend a hand if I can. But mostly I'm here to get outside prospective on what I am. Reading what other people come up with based on the truths I provide helps me be more objective. Helps me sort through the mess of my mind. It also helps me learn more about people. But that's another story.

Remmy.

Remmy your extreeeemly deep do you know that, lol

Or is it just me ??

I know Im not the brightest person and I have trouble with understanding things (if Im told 12 times it does eventualy go in) so it could well be me

I do know what your saying, and small steps is the key... hopefully I wont trip up on the way

Hope your cool and had a great day

As always thanks loads x

[JustClayton]

Just reading some other posters messages..

I really wanted to reply and help someone.. but couldnt..

But I tried that counts for something doesnt it...

Last year I brought one of my referrals a playstation 2 to give to her son as she was struggling.. she didnt take it and i got left withy it, lol think she thought i had an alterior motive .. Just get a buzz out of helping people... On my facebook page ive tried to give away a brand new bmx to someone who needs it... i cant even give it away..

maybe people arnt as needy this year.. or maybe its my turn for help

maybe next year i'll come back as superman and continue to help the sick and needy

maybe i should stop drinking now, lol

thanks so much for everyone who has gone out there way to help me...

its hekped lots , thank you :)

[Roses]

Maybe it is your turn to get help! Um, Xmas with hubbie's sis last year was awful cos she bullied me when I was ill. She was supposed to be my carer and abused her power in the most awful way imaginable. So no, I'd rather spend it alone than with a manipulative bitch like that! Lucky for me it's just hubbie and kids this year so we can shut our selves away and blow a big raspberry at the outside world!

Sounds like even though you didn't go back that one session made an impact on you and at the end of the day you took a big step talking it through with someone if you are normally quite a private person. Don't look on it as a negative experience and perhaps try again one day when you feel ready.

I'm drinking too so will go before I start babbling on like a crazy thing! Take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[RemmyHun]

Remmy your extreeeemly deep do you know that, lol

Or is it just me ??

I know Im not the brightest person and I have trouble with understanding things (if Im told 12 times it does eventualy go in) so it could well be me smile.gif

I do know what your saying, and small steps is the key... hopefully I wont trip up on the way smile.gif

Hope your cool and had a great day

As always thanks loads x

lol, No Clayton, it's not just you. I am deep, or tend to be. I sometimes think things a little too indepth, and every now and then, not deep enough. In either case, the important thing is that you get the basis of what I'm saying. lol.

And yeah, My day was just fine. I actually took a day off of work. 50 hours of Over Time three weeks in a row with no days off... not recommended. lol.

Remmy.

[JustClayton]

Maybe it is your turn to get help! Um, Xmas with hubbie's sis last year was awful cos she bullied me when I was ill. She was supposed to be my carer and abused her power in the most awful way imaginable. So no, I'd rather spend it alone than with a manipulative bitch like that! Lucky for me it's just hubbie and kids this year so we can shut our selves away and blow a big raspberry at the outside world!

Sounds like even though you didn't go back that one session made an impact on you and at the end of the day you took a big step talking it through with someone if you are normally quite a private person. Don't look on it as a negative experience and perhaps try again one day when you feel ready.

I'm drinking too so will go before I start babbling on like a crazy thing! Take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey,

Im so sorry to hear that, although its not the first story Ive heard of carers abusing people (

This year you have your loved ones around you so hopefully it will be a wonderful time for you, I really hope it is.

You just make sure you have a fantastic time ok

Take care xx

[JustClayton]

Remmy your extreeeemly deep do you know that, lol

Or is it just me ??

I know Im not the brightest person and I have trouble with understanding things (if Im told 12 times it does eventualy go in) so it could well be me smile.gif

I do know what your saying, and small steps is the key... hopefully I wont trip up on the way smile.gif

Hope your cool and had a great day

As always thanks loads x

lol, No Clayton, it's not just you. I am deep, or tend to be. I sometimes think things a little too indepth, and every now and then, not deep enough. In either case, the important thing is that you get the basis of what I'm saying. lol.

And yeah, My day was just fine. I actually took a day off of work. 50 hours of Over Time three weeks in a row with no days off... not recommended. lol.

Remmy.

50 hours... thats nearly three weeks work for me !!

To be honest I have trouble understanding people at the best of times, but if I do get lost I'll ask.

Her's hoping you can now chill out and have a wonderful Xmas

Take care x

[JustClayton]

Wow never thought about this before..

I never open up to anyone and am not expecting any help through here, maybe will help me just writing it down tho.

About 3 years ago my daughter told me another man was coming round to take mummy out.. lol wow that was a shock,to cut a long story short I moved out and headed downhill big time... Im a personal trainer so have always been fit and healthy but i turned to drink.. then drugs, anti depressants then started self harming... hey I even planned my funeral, went to the solicitors to sort out the will, that was it for me. My doctor tried desperatly to get me into a mental hospital but couldnt. Again cutting the story short (I hate to bore ya, lol) I met someone and that pro longed the pain... ...........but I just cant get my wife outta my head.. I had a long term girlfriend who finished with me a couple of weeks ago but again Im expressing my undying love for my wife. Ive just told her whatever she wants I'll do it, renewing of vows, more children, counciling.... I just cant get her out of my head...

I've starteed drinking again heavily each night and will be on my own this Xmas as she's taking my babies to her aunties..

Im a personal trainer I dont even drink yet i find myself drunk every night and have a stackful of Diazepan calling me..

I'm so so scared i'll end up how i was before..

well that helped, lol

not feeling great as ya probably guessed, I just had a heart to heart but she had to go... busy I guess...

Right, lol

Better get off ya site, let the people who really need it get a look in...

Dont know who im speaking to but err... thanks (

hi there im daisy,

I also ahve suffered with depression and self harming.I went through some dark times just like you but please believe that things will get better tho it wont feel like it right now.You are so strong to have come so far on your own so be proud of that...and keep writing cos it really will help.Please seek some help,maybe counselling.This site will help you as you get advice from people hurting just like you.You need to concentrate on getting you better and not your wife.You long for things to be how they was i know but you need to get yourself better.There is life after all this you know and you will meet someone who accepts you for who you are and treats you how you deserve to be treated.Believe in yourself and your stregnth...if i can do it you can too xxxx

Hey Daisy,

Just wanted to say thanks for the poem you sent me.. Yeah I could relate to it lots... it was a lil scary to be honest.

I hope things are much better for you now and you can enjoy your day tomorrow.

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Xmas

Keep smiling ok xx

[RemmyHun]

50 hours... thats nearly three weeks work for me !!

To be honest I have trouble understanding people at the best of times, but if I do get lost I'll ask.

Her's hoping you can now chill out and have a wonderful Xmas

Take care x

lol. Yeah, 50 hours OT, which means 90 hours in one week. I admit, it's a lot of work, I practically live at my job right now. Part of it was so I could afford my gun. I recently baught a Ruger KGP 141 six shot revolver. It's a hand cannon and I love it. Anyway, I babble. Definatly ask if I ever confuse you, I wont take it personal. I'm a very hard person to offend.

X-mas? Nope, I'm skipping it this year. Too much unimportant crap goes into the holidays I think. I don't really participate in them. Though I do value the day off! lol. Gives me time to pamper myself without having to go into work, and it's the mark of the end of the season. Anyroad, one step at a time Clayton and keep your head above the water.

Remmy.

[Roses]

Thanks for the message Clayton. Kids just gone to bed so we chillin'. You have a good day tomorrow. Thinking of you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[JustClayton]

50 hours... thats nearly three weeks work for me !!

To be honest I have trouble understanding people at the best of times, but if I do get lost I'll ask.

Her's hoping you can now chill out and have a wonderful Xmas

Take care x

lol. Yeah, 50 hours OT, which means 90 hours in one week. I admit, it's a lot of work, I practically live at my job right now. Part of it was so I could afford my gun. I recently baught a Ruger KGP 141 six shot revolver. It's a hand cannon and I love it. Anyway, I babble. Definatly ask if I ever confuse you, I wont take it personal. I'm a very hard person to offend.

X-mas? Nope, I'm skipping it this year. Too much unimportant crap goes into the holidays I think. I don't really participate in them. Though I do value the day off! lol. Gives me time to pamper myself without having to go into work, and it's the mark of the end of the season. Anyroad, one step at a time Clayton and keep your head above the water.

Remmy.

Hey miss,

hard person to ofend standing there with a Ruger revolver, lol

im a little drunk and not looking foward to tomorow but wanted to say thanku for everything

so thanj u

i hopoe you have a wonerful time in whatever u do thank you x

[JustClayton]

Thanks for the message Clayton. Kids just gone to bed so we chillin'. You have a good day tomorrow. Thinking of you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Im jut chilling too

but wanted to say thank u fior everything

i hope you have the nmost wonderful day and thank you so much fi r everything

have a wondrful xmas thank you xx

[samsung]

hey Clayton

Sorry to about what happened...

Now, Stop hurting yourself and and get yourself on the path with a therapist so that you can work trough the hurt and ?anger.

The worst thing that i have learnt the past 10 years, is that it is not dogs or cats or weather that makes us feellike shit, it is people that hurt us.

People hurt other people. Intentionally or not.

We are here for you on this journey.. but we can't make you step FORWARD and not backwards..

listening..

Rachel

[JustClayton]

hey Clayton

Sorry to about what happened...

Now, Stop hurting yourself and and get yourself on the path with a therapist so that you can work trough the hurt and ?anger.

The worst thing that i have learnt the past 10 years, is that it is not dogs or cats or weather that makes us feellike shit, it is people that hurt us.

People hurt other people. Intentionally or not.

We are here for you on this journey.. but we can't make you step FORWARD and not backwards..

listening..

Rachel

Hey Rachel,

Thanks loads for your reply,

I'll get one tomorrow ok.... ok no I probably wont

I dont think I will ever do that again... the guy made me feel twice as bad than when I first saw him. Ok he may not have been right for me but I dont think I would try again.

It took me days trying to post on here, I kept logging on, logging off... even after I posted I came back on to delete my entry, it was only the fact I had replies that I kept it.

I think the Xmas period and being on my own is making me feel twice as bad as I normaly would, especially today..

One day at a time huh ?

Thanks again

Hope your having a great day x

[Roses]

Hey Clayton - Merry Christmas honey! Hope you are OK. Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[JustClayton]

Hey Clayton - Merry Christmas honey! Hope you are OK. Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey you,

Thanks loads..

Hope your having a wonderful time too

Keep smiling ok...

PS Thanks for the hug... boy I needed that xx

[Roses]

You are more than welcome Clayton! Glad it made you smile. We have had a lovely day and I am grateful for it. Little girl just gone to bed (both been up since 5am!) and hubbie putting Scaletrix together with our son. I could have done it but don't want to interrupt the male bonding! Me and daughter been playing High School Musical and having Xmas party with music and disco ball we got her so guess is their turn. Just watched Doctor Who - did you? Did you guess he had a son? We watching Wallace & Gromit later too. Still cracks me up after all these years. I'm not hard to please! Toilet humour and playground jokes about my level, guess that's why I get on with kids so well. We turned phone off this afternoon and it was great. Liberation!! Hope you doing OK. xxxx

[JustClayton]

Hey Clayton - Merry Christmas honey! Hope you are OK. Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey Miss ..

Im ok fanks

Hope your having a wonderful time x

[Roses]

what's up?

[JustClayton]

what's up?

I'm ok just been on my own all day..

I'm fine its nearly over now, just sitting watching some tv.

Glad you had a wonderful day, I used to get my boy a Scalextric every year... it was mainly for me, I think he got sick of them after a few years, lol.

Toilet humour and play ground jokes sound great, lol I can sooo relate to that.

Anyway, you have a great evening

Keep smiling xx

[Roses]

Thanks. Just been watching Black Adder thing, off to bed soon. Still got my Scaletrix at my Mum's from when me and brothers were little - still works too. They last forever. The one we got this time is Top Gear one with Ford GT and some other non-impressive car but it's got the track like the Stig uses with the Hammerhead and all that - it's massive! Im sure your boy will look back on the Scaletrix/Xmas thing with warm feelings. It's nice to give them that isn't it. You've not been alone anyway, you've been with all of us here! I'll speak to you tomorrow. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[RemmyHun]

Hey miss,

hard person to ofend standing there with a Ruger revolver, lol

im a little drunk and not looking foward to tomorow but wanted to say thanku for everything

so thanj u

i hopoe you have a wonerful time in whatever u do thank you x

lol. Yeah, if I could give you some of my strength I would. I'm sorry I wasn't here to post on X-mas, it wasn't because I was busy [i tried to skip X-mas this year, and failed again] it was because my home computer has a horrible virus that's killing it. Marry F-ing X-mas right? Anyroad I hope you didn't beat yourself up too bad yesterday, and I hope the drinking was in moderation. Remember, cut it in half!

Remmy.

[daisy duck]

Wow never thought about this before..

I never open up to anyone and am not expecting any help through here, maybe will help me just writing it down tho.

About 3 years ago my daughter told me another man was coming round to take mummy out.. lol wow that was a shock,to cut a long story short I moved out and headed downhill big time... Im a personal trainer so have always been fit and healthy but i turned to drink.. then drugs, anti depressants then started self harming... hey I even planned my funeral, went to the solicitors to sort out the will, that was it for me. My doctor tried desperatly to get me into a mental hospital but couldnt. Again cutting the story short (I hate to bore ya, lol) I met someone and that pro longed the pain... ...........but I just cant get my wife outta my head.. I had a long term girlfriend who finished with me a couple of weeks ago but again Im expressing my undying love for my wife. Ive just told her whatever she wants I'll do it, renewing of vows, more children, counciling.... I just cant get her out of my head...

I've starteed drinking again heavily each night and will be on my own this Xmas as she's taking my babies to her aunties..

Im a personal trainer I dont even drink yet i find myself drunk every night and have a stackful of Diazepan calling me..

I'm so so scared i'll end up how i was before..

well that helped, lol

not feeling great as ya probably guessed, I just had a heart to heart but she had to go... busy I guess...

Right, lol

Better get off ya site, let the people who really need it get a look in...

Dont know who im speaking to but err... thanks (

hi there im daisy,

I also ahve suffered with depression and self harming.I went through some dark times just like you but please believe that things will get better tho it wont feel like it right now.You are so strong to have come so far on your own so be proud of that...and keep writing cos it really will help.Please seek some help,maybe counselling.This site will help you as you get advice from people hurting just like you.You need to concentrate on getting you better and not your wife.You long for things to be how they was i know but you need to get yourself better.There is life after all this you know and you will meet someone who accepts you for who you are and treats you how you deserve to be treated.Believe in yourself and your stregnth...if i can do it you can too xxxx

Hey Daisy,

Just wanted to say thanks for the poem you sent me.. Yeah I could relate to it lots... it was a lil scary to be honest.

I hope things are much better for you now and you can enjoy your day tomorrow.

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Xmas

Keep smiling ok xx

glad you liked poem...hope you had a great xmas!!!

xxx

[JustClayton]

Hey miss,

hard person to ofend standing there with a Ruger revolver, lol

im a little drunk and not looking foward to tomorow but wanted to say thanku for everything

so thanj u

i hopoe you have a wonerful time in whatever u do thank you x

lol. Yeah, if I could give you some of my strength I would. I'm sorry I wasn't here to post on X-mas, it wasn't because I was busy [i tried to skip X-mas this year, and failed again] it was because my home computer has a horrible virus that's killing it. Marry F-ing X-mas right? Anyroad I hope you didn't beat yourself up too bad yesterday, and I hope the drinking was in moderation. Remember, cut it in half!

Remmy.

Sorry to hear of ya virus... Damn you virus !

I wouldnt expect you to come on at Xmas day anyway, I did have a look around tho.

Drinking was bad, did have a lil cry as well but I got through it..

As for cutting the drinking in half...

The half I didnt have yesterday im having today... thats what you meant wasnt it.

Hope your having a great time

[JustClayton]

Thanks. Just been watching Black Adder thing, off to bed soon. Still got my Scaletrix at my Mum's from when me and brothers were little - still works too. They last forever. The one we got this time is Top Gear one with Ford GT and some other non-impressive car but it's got the track like the Stig uses with the Hammerhead and all that - it's massive! Im sure your boy will look back on the Scaletrix/Xmas thing with warm feelings. It's nice to give them that isn't it. You've not been alone anyway, you've been with all of us here! I'll speak to you tomorrow. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey Miss,

Thanks lots for your message

I hope my boy looks back and remembers stuff. I used to be soooo close to my baby girl but now I feel so distant to her. I know she's growing up but her and her mum are real real close, we used to be like that.

Im kinda getting as close as i can to my boy now incase he does the same, i just hope i dont suffocate him.

So glad to hear your ok and had a great time

Take care you xx