Piggy In The Middle

[walker]

i feel so trapped

my children are leaving - growing up - going one way

my parents are getting more frail - going the other way

I am stuck in the middle, and I cant cope

I cant deal with the changes around me, and I want to run

but I have nowhere to run to.

I am finding I shut them all out, more and more

not because I love them less, but I just cant deal with the changes.

Perhaps that is all this is, some sort of pre menopausal, mid life crisis

But I am scared, and trapped, and I want to run

Its like nothing in life matters anymore, because if it did - it would all matter far far too much

[Lonley]

Hello Walker,

Any change is scarey but when its big life events like your children growing up & leaving home & seeing you parents becoming more frail its really tough. These are big mile stones we reach in our life.

I would try not to think of it all as one great big mass of thoughts & feelings. Break it down into smaller bits. Like yes your children are growing up & leaveing home but they will always keep intouch & visit you & you them.

Ok your parents are getting older & you can see the change within them. But they are still your parents & now you get the chance to help them as much as they helped you.

Don't look too afr ahead & never look back. Live in the hear & now.

[Lily-Bee]

That must be hard indeed! Those are hard changes.

Maybe it would help you if you could see it as a normal evolution of life, this is how it goes, Things will change yes but that doesnt mean it has to be bad. Lifechanges can be positive too, you could think about for instance things you can do now that your children are more grown up.

Are there things youd like to do?? New hobbies, new friends??

Its ok to feel sad about it, thats a normal part of it, a lot of people go through this but it opens up new doors aswell and that can be exciting.

Lilly

[walker]

Oh, I know its normal, that is why I feel so pathetic

I cant face doing new things,

I have little courage, and the past is haunting me

as soon as I get engaged in things, they become too big and stressful

I am in hiding, waiting for a chance to go

[Lonley]

berak the problems down into smaller ones.

Don't look back & take small steps forward.

[walker]

tried that, many times

it always fails

the hurt is deep, and old, and looking forwards only hides it for a while

this year it returned, with vengence, and is colouring every part of my life

[Lonley]

writeing it down to tell your therapist if you have one.

Talking obout all th hurt will help heal the hurt

[walker]

perhaps it will,

one day,

if I can let it

[Roses]

You can hold my hand and together we will brave the winds of time.

[walker]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I so wish I had a hand to hold

[Roses]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[walker]

I want to leave

I want to run

trapped, trapped, trapped

[walker]

I hate saying this

I know it is wrong

but once they have gone back, I feel I must begin planning a way out

I dont know what else to do

but I know it is wrong and evil

so perhaps I wont

I just dont think I want to go back to living and failing, any longer

I cant do this

get me out

I want out

Life is too complicated

If I cant stay still, then what

[mavis]

Hi Walker,

It sounds like you are grieving.

Have you thought about looking at empty nest syndrome. Lots of people feel this, I am not saying lots of people are you or feel like you as we are all individual but I thought this may help normalise it a little bit for you - this maybe a useful link : http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/womenshealth/features/ens.htm

Please dont be so hard on yourself.

Please PM me if you want.

Take care Walker, I think you are worth millions.

mavis x

[mavis]

PS. I agree with Lonely too, if you can write down. What is the worst that can happen, it could really help if you can do it. x

[walker]

Mavis , there is no doubt that is depressing me, but my depression and other issues have been with me since my teens.

Both my children have been in boarding school, so I have been used to them being away, although watching them grow up and leave is still different and harder.

It feels like everything is coming at me from all angles

and in the midst of it all is a bottomless pit of emptiness and loneliness

my daughter is asking why we have not or will not have marriage counselling - why? because I have deep issues, and so does he, but he denies his are a problem - so it is all my fault

and

you know

I have always known it was wrong

but now I want to run - no, I have always wanted to run,

[Roses]

I'm sorry Walker. I am not feeling too good but I wanted u to know I am following this post and I am here for you, even if I can't offer you advice at the moment. I am thinking of you and hoping you are safe and getting help.

[walker]

that helps, Roses, - God bless you, and please take care

xxxx

[Rael]

im sorry you are feeling so trapped, i dont have kids so i cannot understand that part but i can see my parents getting iller and iller, my dad is physically failing and my mum is mentally failing and i know it can be hard to see something you took to be a constant slowly changing. with your children could you see it as a chance for something great for them, and chance to spread their wings and achieve their potential. i can only imagine how hard it must be to see them growing seemingly further away but they will never truly leave you, they are your kids and love you no matter what

would your husband consider marriage counseling at all? even if eventually it will get to his problems too there are other things you can work on between you that dont need you to have to go too deep necessarily, at least not to start with, just some communication work for example. if his issues were mentioned during it then an outside opinion may sway or at least make him start to consider that he may need to do some work on himself too.

take care

xxx

[mavis]

Hi Walker,

Ok, try to just do one thing at a time and slow it all down a bit, dont expect so much of yourself at the mo as sound slike you are having a hard time. STOP having a go at yourself. You have grown 2 kids up you cant be all that bad.

Are you talking to anyone at the moment?

There is nothing wrong with following your gut, it shows you ahve good instincts also.

When you say you want to run, is this to get away for a break?, be alone?, runaway from yourself? runaway from your life? what is it? I ahte you being bad like this.

mave x :mellow:

[walker]

When you say you want to run, is this to get away for a break?, be alone?, runaway from yourself? runaway from your life? what is it?

life

if I went away for a break I would not want to return.

I know it sounds appalling, but I feel like I could turn my back on everyone and everything, and yet I am terrified of them doing the same to me

Silly me - I thought back in feb, it would be the beginning of change, of a new life, on my own, but no

I have learned some new things, especially that I am weak and cowardly and dont have the guts to change things

Damn it all

(even my bloody avatar wont change, however hard I try - it must be an image of my pathetic soul)

[Roses]

I'm still holding your hand and I won't let go. Take the dog for a walk, fresh air might brighten your spirits.

[walker]

bless you

think I will take your advice and go with my son, while he is still here.

I am hanging in - so long as I dont think beyond a moment - everything else just screams RUN

[Rael]

maybe your avatar doesnt want to change because its a reflection of the light inside you, a beauty. you are not weak or cowardly, you are still here and you have brought up two wonderful children and both of these things are a testament to your strength.

i hope you went for a walk with your son and dog and that it helped. sometimes it is just better to live in the moment, it can be overwhelming to think too far into the future so just take each thing as it comes and live each moment second by second.

xxx

[walker]

thanks Rael,

I wish I could see it.

Didnt walk the dog - poor bugger - will take him tomorrow

I cannot even put into words how trapped I feel, and how hurt and hopeless I am