Rael Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 written this watching the people in london watchingthe fireworks so happy, hopeful, ashamed to say it made me jealous, reminds me of what i dont have and wwhat seems so far away and thinking it could get beter is not going to help me now im too far i just cant see it all i want to do is cry and s/h and plan and act and do anything i dont evven fucking care anymore i didnt want to siee this tme and i dont want a second longer here than i need to endure.its crap cos my brained is numbed now yet it still hurts, nothing i can do is dampeninnig it, always need to domorethe faces gaze to the skyin rapturein glorious delightfor a new beginningmy tears hide behind my eyesmy masketernal and agonizingawaiting the endthe faces glow with hope a new horizonsickening me as they moveforever forwardsmy sanity is slippingforever lostembraced by my lonelinesscraving shadowthe lost minds of the yearforgotten memoriesthose for whom this timeis set in stonespare a thought for usspare some hopespare me your fucking happinessspare my soulforgive the sins unseenthe unforgivableyou may not see what i dobut one day remember me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 Rael, you are a beautiful person and you have made a difference to my pathetic life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 dear RaelI understanda bitsometimes I look at people's hope, and expectation, and trust - and just do not comprehendxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 thank you both, i feel so ignored, invisible, in everything, at work people talk to me while i am the only one there but as soon as others come im not there, we can have 4 people in one work area and if im in one we talk and its good but if i go get a drink i come back to find someone else there and no one even looks at me. and here, it happens over and over and nothing ever changes i reply and i try and then i need help and it comes out how little anything matters. you two are kind and im sorry if it sounds ungrateful, yet another thing to hate about myself but as soon as i need help everyone else just seems to disappear into the woodwork until i say something. this is why ive been trying not to post, i feel worse for doing it and i start to wonder why i try. i dont mean that because i do anything i deserve something because i dont deserve anything, maybe i need to stop trying and just see that things will never change, i will always be the outcast, no matter how i try i can never fit in, never matter.just thought, maybe its that people see through me, see the worthless piece of crap, or maybe they see the mask too well, posting elsewhere so she must really be ok it cant be that bad really. well it fucking is.sorry, im going to hate having posted this more than likely. waste of typing for me and for anyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 dear dear RaelI do understand, so much of what you sayI feel very similar in my lifeI like to be the centre of attention - with 1 or 2 people, and then - as they turn away - I feel like I hardly exist.I have tried not to post on here, because of similar reasons to you - if no one replies, or they dont want to engage - or even if they do - it feels like they dontMany many people here, feel the same or similar to you - but you must share with us, if you feel you need toI feel very guilty as I have been accused of taking and not giving on here - NO ONE could ever say that about youbut the feeling of being isolated, of not belonging, of being hated - IS THAT NOT WHAT WE DO TO OURSELVES???? in our own self-destructive mentalitywhat people see in you is a considerate and caring, hurt personI honestly dont see the worthless piece of crap you describe - she wouldnt give a shit - wouldnt spend even a second reading a post let alone answering them.In fact - she wouldnt even be here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 If I could take your pain away I could. You are not wasting your time typing on here. I know you want something to work so desperately and we don't always reply straight away and I'm sorry, but you are not a worthless piece of crap no matter how much you might feel it, it is not true. There is nothing wrong with posting to try and cheer people up when you are feeling down. U remember my post the other day? I felt like a fraud and you all posted I wasn't - so that is true for you too!!!! I'm sorry you feel an outcast and invisible at work. Sounds like you are probably pretty busy at work and the group of 4 thing is just superficial chit-chat to help you all get along and they probably don't even realise you are upset by it. Do you have friends outside of work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 no friends outside of work, nothing. i hate being the centre of attention but i like to be included, because there can only be 4 people in that area i end up excluded and working further away on my own, always on my own.i didnt mean to imply that typing other stuff was a waste of time, just stuff about myself, sorry if it seemed that way. i know that people can take c while to reply, i have left it days before and it just seems everything gets bothered about but mine. prob just feeling sorry for self i am grateful that you two do care, and im sorry if it seems i dont value it i just get so frustrated. when i feel bad and post 9 times out of 10 i feel worse because of it.as for the feelings being what we do to ourselves, to a certain extent i would say yes, but i have no control over the people excluding me at work, i say to them save my spot when i go get a drink or something and when i come back they have been asked is anyone working here and they say no. even agency staff have taken my spot before so its quite clear how i am viewed.maybe i need to accept that i will always feel alone. its getting worse and all i can do is cry. i know whats coming and theres no gaps in the walls surrounding me to slip into to avoid it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 I'm sorry Rael. I think my post has upset you and I really didn't want to do that. It's hard to sometimes interpret what is meant when the person isn't in front of you. Someone once said to me - do you live to work, or work to live? They were wise. Fuck them if that is the way they are. It is only work and not your life. Your life is when you choose who you spend time with. Is there anyway you can socialise more to make friendships? We have drop in centre GP referral and is called "Creative Support" run by the Richmond Fellowship. They may well have a website and do have centres/respite houses etc.. all over the country. Does your care co-ordinator know of anything available? At our centre there are 2 parts to it. 1 is getting you solicalise/educated/alternative therapies etc... 2. Is they help you with work stuff helping you find employment that is right for you etc.. accessing training and stuff. I had a post posted few days ago and I got no responses to it at all and it was actually entitled "Need Your Help", so know how you feel. I hope that I can be of help and I'm sorry if not making much sense but not too good and just want you to know I'm here and caring. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 dear Rael - I am so sorry if I upset you, tooI was not inferring that you want to be the centre of attention - it was an unfortunate turn of phraseIf you feel trapped, then I am truly, truly sorrynot sure I can say anything else - I really want to help but am totally crap at giving useful comments - sorryxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 sorry i think i came across as if i took you both wrong, neither of you upset me and im sorry.i struggle to be at work at all and would not be able to cope with having to find work elsewhere, it took me 4 years to talk to anyone where i am now and i think im realizing that i thought i had come a long way but i really am still where i was all those years ago.i dont have a care co-ordinator or a mental health team, its just me and my doctor. nothing goes on around here really that i know of, at least not that i can get to as they are in the evening and i work then. everything just seems to be conspiring against me.even those who care i seem to hurt and push away. im sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 Sorry if I asked u this before, but whereabouts are you? Reason I ask is around here all the support centres are daytime not evening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 i work from 1.30pm to 9.30 pm so even daytime stuff is out as i have to set out to work at 1pm and my sleep patterns are such that i get up around 11am so it doesnt really leave any time spare (not trying to be awkward i appreciate you trying, i have tried to change my sleep patterns before but i have sleep disorder unspecified too and have been told to just adapt to it as it is). tbh i have kind of given up on it anyway, i know people at work, ive been sociable and outgoing and gone out places and stuff and its always the same nothing i do is ever enough for anyone to like me for long, as soon as theres another option im out the window. going somewhere else to meet people just means having another place for it to happen.im giving up, im tired of all of this. i need that release again, i tried not but i am too weak ive tried everything else to calm myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 I won't judge you. In same boat myself today. I have to go though as starting to hear buzzing and the people are coming. Got to get help. Back when can. Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 i know nothing I say will help, Rael, sorrybut you do, really, matter, dear dear friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 every word you guys say gets through i promise, and im trying to see these things for myself, it just all seems to be getting lost right now. i hope you are ok Roses, take care of yourself and i hope you can get hubbie or someone to be with youi gave in. now all i want is more, its never enough. i know that the way i see it ending doesnt have to be the way it actually does end, but im not seeing any other road, like im standing on a tightrope over an abyss.i want it again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 2, 2009 Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 Sending love and hugs. Me OK. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wounded soul Posted January 2, 2009 Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 Hi Raelsorry youre feeling lonely and isolated at the moment,you have us and we will support you.Take carewounded soulxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman Posted January 2, 2009 Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 I am sad that you are feeling so low. I recently thanked you for your kind words. You have this ablity to reach out and touch people with your words. I wish I could do the same for you. I don't know you apart from posts on here but you are special. I am thinking of you and hope things seem brighter for you soon. Take care of yourself- you deserve love, as much as you show to others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwentheelfqueen Posted January 2, 2009 Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 Dear Rael,I feel similarly, I think, as you do. I feel because I am able to go to work people think I'm okay and healthy which leads to hurtful, careless comments and behaviors from others. I also felt badly when I once posted that I was desperate, which is something I have never done before or have done since, and no one responded by the next day. But then, I don't post much either to other people's posts because it makes me feel badly a lot and also I feel overwhelmed by all the posts and don't know how or to which ones I should respond. I get kind of overloaded by the posts here, if that makes sense. Anyway, I just wanted to post to you to tell you I see your pain. I can tell from your poetry. You are not invisible to us. Please look back at the Rael appreciation day post and see all the people who responded. As for finding friends, I don't know how to find them either. Most people out there aren't very supportive or caring, I find. ANd I've made a huge effort to try to befriend people too! But I take lessons for things that interest me and have meaningful relationships with my teachers. Could you try to make a connection through your poetry class? Are there poetry/writing clubs you could join where you could meet people? Are there any support groups near you that you could join?take care Rael,arwen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mummyismad Posted January 2, 2009 Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 Rael . I know where you are coming from I need people to like me I try so hard and get left behind, hope the hugs help, you are a good person and deserve more. Keep posting xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 2, 2009 Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 Rael, hugs and support xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 Arwen - the poetry course is through the post so unfortunately i wont meet any people that way, poetry groups are all evening (that i have found) and i work then, same with support groups. i appreciate all the kind words from you all, every day i think something will happen to show me what i think isnt true, but all thats happening is every day something happens to confirm my fears and send me spiraling further down, today was no different. im trying to tell myself that its just a low patch and it will pass, but better to stay here than to taste contentment and have it ripped from me again.mental health team called me up today, im not with them anymore but doc asked them to call and they called two days ago and the duty worker called today saying it was to give me some support. asked how i was i said....i told her what i had done and was thinking of constantly. she said ok then ill get someone to call you on monday to give you some more support. wasnt that what she was supposed to be doing??? i am just a fucking number on their paper. they only say they are providing you with support because it makes them look good, makes it my fault when i say how desperate i am and 30 secs later they hang up.stupid and naive to think that this time they would give a shit what i do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 bless you raelxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharcoalKiss Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 Rael. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so badly atm. I really wish there was something tangible i could do for you to make you feel better. TO show you that we - I - do care. A LOT. You are a light, Rael, one that i and others have and do depend on through times of darkness. I hope you are able to feel better within yourself. Take Care, and you are certainly not on the outside here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 No matter how hard the wind blows, the mountain will not bow down to it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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