walker Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 OK - so I know I need a psychotherapist - i have had therapy before, had people to open my heart toand yesit has helpedit has let me release a huge amount of distress that builds up inside meand has given me permission to feel that pain without judgementit has even made me feel ok about myself - for short periodseven the cbt guy helped, as he did little cbt and allowed me to pour out my heartso the reservoir of hurt has been emptied out, and I have been given time and space to regain my strength.But now it is re filling - who knows how long it will take to overflow again - weeks? months? years? but yes, I know it will happen,and I know whybecause I have not changed - because I am stuck - because the help I have received has replaced something only temporarily - just sufficient for others to breath a sigh of relief and think I am back to normal - just sufficient for me to think I am betterBut normal is not right - it is not healthy - it is not happy - it may laugh, and joke, and rush around, but it is not well -- It is hurt, negative, irritable, angry, irrational, frightened, destructive, sarcastic, selfish, sad, exausted, overwhelmedSo I need someone to help me I know thatI know things must changebut then my relationships will change, perhaps my job and almost certainly my home, - as my 'illness' is not some add-on that can be cut off - it has permeated every aspect of my life until now - it has influenced all my decisions, where I am, what I am doing, who I am with.If those things change, they will affect others deeply - my children, my parents, my husband - and will almost certainly cause them a lot of pain, tooand the thought of changing all those things utterly terrifies meit feels like someone is saying - "Hey, in a few years you will be able to skydive!" - when I have never wanted to it feels like someone will tear out my insides and replace them with a strangerit feels like something SO big and SO terrifying, that I should avoid it at all costsBUT I know it has to be doneand it is killing me - and I desperately long to run Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 walker i know its hard but you know you need the help for ou not all tose other people youcant be anythnig for them unless you feel whole and take care of yourself i definately kno its scarry so ill arm you with many hugs and an ear o listen always xxxx jades Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 Don't project big, vague thingsJust plan one or two little concrete practical things for this week, for instance I have to see CAB about something at 9 a.m one morning (to skip queue) and post some pieces of paper. Otherwise eat sleep & go to AA.Pick a minimum number of activities that are easily incorporated into your regular routine whatever it is, that 'push the envelope' a few millimetres.It's the movement itself that counts not the amount of movement in inches or miles.By the way the sky diving metaphor is terrific! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 one thing i noticed is your fear that the change therapy could bring would affect your relationship, job, children, parents. but surely dropping lower and lower is going to affect them too and possible hurt all of you more than a change through therapy would. you have the right to feel ok, i know its scary, really i do im scared of it too (prob for diff reasons) and when we have felt a certain way for so long its hard to foresee anything being different and if it could be different its hard to see it as a good thing. all we see is change and thats a damn scary thing.not all change is bad, doesnt make it any easier but until we have tried it we dont know what we could be missing out onxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 thankyou so much for your replies, 3 very different and and equally caring and supportivethe fear is colossal - and is only fleetingly dislodged by need and insightYes I am sure the place I am in IS hurting and affecting those I love, but I am so driven inwards at the moment, that I dont see it, OR it becomes yet another thing to agonise and beat myself overThe fight is this - do I love my children more than I hate myself?Tonight the answer is yesTomorrow? Who knows Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 when you are within this mindset, if not now then next time, maybe then is the time to make a list of things. get everything out that you want to work on and while in a frame of mind to see things more clearly write down the things that give you the reason to work for this. we all have our ups and downs, and there will be times that we cant see the forest for the trees and sometimes it can be helpful to have something to look on and see how things can change. make a list of the things that you can see now that you know you may struggle to see another day. it may not make you see it on those days, but it can help you see what is possible. the things you have achieved, the progress you have made, the things you can and look forwards to doing. seeing them may not make you see them when you feel low but you can see it is possible.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 Raelyour idea of a list of what needs sorting is good - though frightening as the things are so bigthe reasons why ?really really toughfor my childrenand guilt, shame, hate of what I am - so not very productiveat the moment, nothing else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 12, 2009 Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 what about for your new friends do you have a pet extended family things you are good at hobbies things you wouldnt want to leave undone etc? simmplfy it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 sorry Jadesit just doesnt seem to work like thatI am here because I didnt have the courage not to be, simpleThe thing is , when things matter, they become too big in my head, and then I get overwhlmed by them, I know nothing will ever be as I would like it - partly because that changes, as I am unsure of who I am or what I want.so for the moment I carry on because that I what I do, it has a slight edge on NOT carrying on??????????????????mental mess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 12, 2009 Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 im so sorry your feeling this way heres a hug and ill just listen ttill u get it all out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 OMG you will be here till I die then whenever that will be!!but the hugs are appreciated and returnedxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 12, 2009 Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 ive got all day lol :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 this is crazyits emptythere is nothingnothing to say, nothing to just nothing at allits all gone, the last year, everythingi know it, but its gonei dont knwo what else to sayperhaps this is well?am eating, all daysugar or saltall daybut cant thinkeverythought disappearsswitch offlose where I amdont knowis this well?I just sit and eat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 12, 2009 Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 is there anything else you can fill your time with, for me its music, it fills a hole in me, not always completely, sometimes it is just a time filler. a time filler can be better than nothing though, maybe a book, film, tv show? sometimes we just need to get through the time until we reach even a slightly better time.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 i do bits round the hous and walk benny when its not rainingand lots of filmssudoku but having trouble concentrating at the moment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylifeinbalance Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 i do bits round the hous and walk benny when its not rainingand lots of filmssudoku but having trouble concentrating at the momentHi there, I feel for you and it sounds like you are dealing with this on your own. Maybe its time to see a therapist again, only this time try and see someone who can offer other methods other than CBT. It seems like CBT helped you before, but only in the short term. This is usually the case with CBT. Don't suffer alone with this, get help!! Big hugs to youBrent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 i knowthat is kindbut I am not sure why you are here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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