GateKeeper_ Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 so anyone in the world can read this? gee, this isnt making me uncomfortable ... so ... anyways its 5am, i figured i'd do an introduction. well, oh geez where to start... ive had a lot of traumatic experiences, i wont list them because i dont want to set anyone off (emotional triggers),but its basically all the basics... i think its all of them... hmmm so anyways, my nurse says all the pains ive been having isnt physcial, that its mental, and they are enough to make me do just about anything to get rid of them. id rather eat right and just.. do everything right and be perfect but due to my energy and a need to cope i cant, it just physcially hurts and i have to look up ways to cope online just to try new things to try and stop eating and purging (throwing up) or having sex all the time, or getting angry is one i used to do -a lot- but i dont anymore, id rather not cope that way, i cant stand anyone who is angry or violent.(i get nervous) i guess i look up ways to cope to get rid of the ways i cope now, and because id like to feel better... ugh that was disgusting to admit. trying to always do the 'right' thing stresses me out and i end up coping more, andi think i could die in my sleep or just in 2 minutes so i feel pressured... i dont know what its like when you die or after you die, i dont want to suffer forever after i die... i used to sit and think for days on end, alone for months, just trying to understand everything. and i go blank randomly. like now...my therapist agrees therapy wont help until i get a better diagnose, the last psychiatrist i went to i got too scared of i didnt trust him, and the one before that gave me meds that made my lips blue and sent me to the ER. or either i OD (overdose) on them or something, i cant remember exactly why i was there and they still cant tell me... for all i know i was poisoned by someone, my cousin brought my food that night.... ive gone through it a million times what happened to me, nobody knows...id like to get married, that would be the best thing ever. although if she/he ever died i think i would go into a coma, its the only time i can ever cry is when i think about love... or when im in public and for no reason i want to. i dont tell anyone or show it, i think its possibly because my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is directly linked with being beat to what if i had not got help, death, by someone who supposedly loved me. who knows, ive seen a lot of death, and i never grew up being social or understood a lot of normal things. most of my "friends' my whole life have literally stolen from me in front of my eyes because they can get away with it, yes literally done it, and i let them... or was abusive or whatnot... ive moved a few times since then and never made new "friends". im too daft to understand a lot of things, either i dont care about anything or i dont understand social things or... just not interested.. which is the same as not caring i guess i have scars all over my shoulders, legs, chest, a few on arms and many other places, i even have one on my bum lol.im embarrassed whats going to happen if i ever do get a date and its 'the night', that they might run off or be too uncomfortable with me to do anything cuz of the scars. (if i ever do get a date reference - because i dont have good social skills or leave the house, im not bad looking, although i think im fat, 6'2 168 pounds, was 150 for many years but Zoloft meds sent me to 220 a year ago and im trying to lift weights and everything now so im average looking, yes i had to be defensive on how i look ) I used to cut a lot and fall asleep from cutting it felt so peaceful and it was a release...i loved every minute of it, but it got to a point where if i cut deeper i would kill myself, literally... i had to stop or either not want to go deeper.finally it just didnt do anything for me, my body was so numb, no amount of cutting would feel good unless i cut myself open (like cut something important). almost did once, it was really scary and i panicked and everythin...so i needed a new outlet, i started abusing myself mentally, making people hurt me.i guess the 'physcial' pains started after that sometime and thats when i said i cant do SH (self harm) anymore. its like having a constant food poisoning and being drove nuts and all kindof frustrating things.ive got a ton of stories to tell, so many i cant even remember them all, but i can understand a bit of mental issues. i think. i feel a lot better at a place like this than a normal place because i can relate to a lot of people here. (when i can think straight)im so screwed up i dont know what i say 20% of the time, but thats okay. i wish it was 100%.I really go through a lot of different changes so often i dont know what the norm for me is, i have a habit of turning into other people that i meet and lots of things. i generally dont accept support but... i am trying and have to get to know someone before i can really open up. i hate it that im human, and moreso a man. (yes, i know the stereotypes of men and when people say that about me i just want to yell, dont call me a man!!) i think if i was a woman maybe id be more in touch with myself cause of the brain studies and everything. they just seem nicer... the last few years i really focused on wanting that but... it really doesnt matter much anymore, i like being a guy sometimes... if someone else liked it, i might be more okay with it.i just see most men as evil, if that makes sense. (due to abuse i presume) its just i keep associating men with aggression and that doesnt make me feel safe. ive been mute for a few months before, -totally- mute. it was great because i didnt even notice people when they were int he room, i just ignored everyone. its a blur... used to be an alcoholic before that. lets see... i dunno... well anyways, if you read this i dont know what to say. i know theres people worse off than me out there and they have no escape cause they are in some prison underground or something and thats awful and i should be happy i have it so good with food and be thankful for what i do have. i find depressed people really beautiful and i fall in love with them easy, i like to watch them, the sadness is addicting, they just sit there... so still...i dont know why its so alluring or why im even saying it. but thats how i feel. im also attracted to blind women because they cant stare at me, which for a lot of people thats also uncomfortable. espicially anxiety/aspergers people. im okay with staring if im in love tho well its 6am now and tomorrow i may read this and not remember writting some of it (the joys of dissociation!, or whatever its called!)but i hope its not offensive or anything bad anything too personal ill regret later. i always have to say that because sometimes ... it is. and i get in trouble oooo. 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walker Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 dear gatekeeperwownothing offensive or bad, therejust a young man in painI am not surprised that you feel confused about the whole male aggression thing.You sound like a really nice person who is trying to find his way .You have far more insight than you give yourself credit for, by the way you are certainly not fat - for 6'2you weigh less than me - damn it - Welcomexxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ann51 Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 Welcome, GK.........you're in the right place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GateKeeper_ Posted January 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 my post is embarrassing.yeah, thats all i had to say lol. it could be a lot more personal too.personal=embarrassing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 hello and you may find it embarrassing, i did too when i put some stuff out there but it does get easier and saying things really can help. i find that if im dissociating a lot then posting can help me keep track of things im doing/thinking, if you dont want to post for fear of what you could say then maybe you could write it down either on paper or onto a word document on your computer and then read it later and decide whether you want to post it or not. theres nothing offensive or bad in there anyway and a lot of people (myself included) will be able to relate to you.i hope you find this place to be a comfort, you can get a lot of support and advice here so i hope you wont find it too uncomfortable to post take carexxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 There's no way you should ever think what you post is embarrassing...Admittedy I'm a very new newbie, but I have seen enough to realise that this is a safe and welcoming place.Or alternatively, look at it this way... You (and others) posting what you (and they) have posted, have encouraged me to post what I posted...This in turn prompted people to reply to my post, making me feel less alone and less sad...So, even though you haven't read my post, let alone replied, you have helped me and for that I thank you...Obviously this also applies to everyone on here... the whole is more than the sum of the parts and all that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 Welcome Gatekeeper! I just noticed your post...ic I am a few days late welcoming you, but better late than never! You don't ever have to be embarassed here! Just enjoy yourself and let us know if we can help in anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GateKeeper_ Posted January 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2009 wow.. okay.. um. thanks people...i wasnt very alert when i wrote that, im scared to read it lol. maybe ill try to do one that makes more sense next time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daisy duck Posted January 15, 2009 Report Share Posted January 15, 2009 wow.. okay.. um. thanks people...i wasnt very alert when i wrote that, im scared to read it lol. maybe ill try to do one that makes more sense next time.Welcome GateKeeper!You will get lots of support here,xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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