Rage

[hummm_mabbe]

Anyone else feel this way? Like its just bubbling away, just off the boil, and then along comes some thing, something that presses that button, and then it all boils up in your throat and you want to strangle something, but theres another little voice saying "oh you dont need to be angry, how silly of you, stop showing off, youre acting like a child", at whish point the anger goes in to stellar overdrive?

GAR I have so much rage to get out! I need a rage ladle and an anger bucket. With an irritability pump.

Why am I making jokes? Its silly. I actually have decades of unexpressed hurt, neglect and anger inside me, and Im making jokes? Sometimes I dont even know HOW to let it out - thats why it comes out when something triggers it ...

Pleh.

[sapphire]

My rage is almost always there, like a smouldering volcano ready to blow - at the most inaprropriate and embarrasing things and times.

Some mornings I just wake up in a total rage, and then I have to go back to bed or I make everyone's life a misery, inc my own. I keep a diary, and the days I am not irritable are few and far between, the full rages are about once a week.

Watch out crockery, hubs, and the hoover - I hoover madly when in a rage (which doc says is both a BP and BPD "high" symptom). It can all get very nasty.

Hugs, Sapphy xx

[hummm_mabbe]

My rage is almost always there, like a smouldering volcano ready to blow - at the most inaprropriate and embarrasing things and times.

Some mornings I just wake up in a total rage, and then I have to go back to bed or I make everyone's life a misery, inc my own. I keep a diary, and the days I am not irritable are few and far between, the full rages are about once a week.

Watch out crockery, hubs, and the hoover - I hoover madly when in a rage (which doc says is both a BP and BPD "high" symptom). It can all get very nasty.

Hugs, Sapphy xx

Hullo

Thank you for the hugs

When it comes out at people that you dont know as well as family, do you feel like almost a sense of panic? Its like for me if the rage starts to come up with most anyone else (Actually, not even that - even slight disagreement) I become extremely scared, and thats when I tend to start dissociating a bit, lifting out. If im not that angry, then the fear will stop me, but if Im SUPER angry, its like this other person comes out and takes over. Normal me is split off, and some assassin type evil dude comes out for a sec.

Its dumb, to be so scared of letting all this out!

Hoover rage, I dont get that, I wish I did then my flat would be clean more of the time....

:hug2:

[jades]

i repress my rage so much that when i diocciate (sp?) i go crzy psycho bitch usually in a hospital so no wonder they have me on oneto one alot but funny thing is i never remember it good girls dont get angry you know?or even !

[sapphire]

I can flick into rage in a mini second, so it must always be lurking somewhere. I don't dissoaciate (??) at all, but yes I do panic - panic that I am going to hurt someone or damage something. Don't give a flying **** about hurting myself tho. I'm lucky in that hubs can see when I'm going quite often, and we sometimes, not often, manage to divert it . If it's too late he meds me up and I eventually calm down.

The other thing I do when I'm raging is put on loud rock type music and scream along to it. Nirvana and guns n roses are my fave for screaming and bashing pillows too.

Yup mad as a march hare on acid, me. Sapphy xx

[walker]

my anger bubbles just beneath the surface all the time, but tends to release into millions of tiny episodes rather than full blown, lasting rages.

[sapphire]

Is it the BPD or the bipolar, or both, that cause this level of irritation and rage ? Hmmmmm, my psych says both ??? S xx

[Miko]

... I actually have decades of unexpressed hurt, neglect and anger inside me ...

Hi Hummm,

When I feel like that I think the most audaciously untactful thing towards myself possible ... that I am ever so slightly beginning to resemble Victor Meldrew. Cleverly named because he is certainly not victorious over his problems and he is a cross between a melodrama and mildew.

Anyway the slightest such self-suggestion is enough (these days) to get me thinking of alternative paths of development.

Your phrased quoted above is illuminating, I have been feeling invalidated for almost half a century, the people who rigged that up have all passed on, I think my only option is to:

- revisit my modes of presenting myself to ensure I give people clear signals

- pitch my approaches at an appropriate level and tone for the context

Thereby ensuring past damage doesn't carry over into new situations. I can always tell them my life story if we get chatty and they ask for it, later on, and no need if not.

It's not going to be quick but at least I am beginning to take some good meds to help, at last.

[sapphire]

I am the original Incredible Hulk, complete with green paint and a ripped shirt (modestly of course) S xx

[missya]

Oh hell yeah!! The smallest thing can set me off...screaming and yellng thinking the louder I yell the better they will hear me... duh...right!!!

Mine is an anger so deep that when and if "that" button gets pushed I usually don't remember much of what destruction I have done.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one!!!

:hug2:

[icu_baby]

Hummm can you give me an example of something that will set you into a rage? How long does it last? What do you say or do to the person or do you hold it in?

I think its great that people can handle the rage in good ways such as hoovering (using the energy of the rage to be producitve) or listening to loud music.

I don't know what the difference is in rage in borderline and bipolar but I think I read somewhere that rage occurs in bipolar when someone is grandiose and people don't agree with his or her ideas or they become impatient because they are thinking and moving very fast wheras in borderline it is directed towards a reaction to what someone said or something.

[sapphire]

OMG, an example of my triggers, a minor one.... - well people obviously......I was in the library this week, and all the kids were playing on the internet (not for homework, for sodding games) and that triggered me....stormed out ranting at hubby, and about everything that following going home..got home, exploded, smash smash, had Olanzapine, hoover hoover, calm down.

A major full 24 rage event this week was triggered by the pub having a party next door, and the noise going on o 3 am. (two of my main triggers are noise and sleep disturbance) - well I was off, "stalking" as I put it round the house - but refusing to let hubs say anything- getting worse and worse - gonna throw rocks at them (??), get the hose upstairs and spray them- smashed crockery (sh thoughts). Finally my hubs did the sensible thing and called out the window to shut the hell up. You know where I was - culred up in a tiny ball in the garage so I couldn't hear it. Cue diaz.

The next day started soooooo bad I knew I had to just try and knock myself out or itwould continue all day as well. Think Basil Fawlty on acid. Maybe a bit of Victor Meldrew, but it ain't fair on hubs either way. So I went back to bed and slept the rest of the day. No point trying to fight rage - not for me anyway.

So it can last ten seconds, or days, depending on how well I am and how bad the trigger. In hossy the triggers were so bad, I managed about four days between sedations. My doctor says that yes, the rage is a form of mania - you can either go up and have a wonderful time (I often do) or go up and get irritable (I more often do), or go down and irritable, or it can be caused by the BPD.

I must sound like one angry lady, but I'm as soft as butter most of the time, honest !! Sapphy xx

[icu_baby]

Wow saphhire, that is very interesting, I hope you don't rage that often. I have been raging over one thing only that has lasted 1.5 years and that is against my local hospital, other than that it takes alot to get to me.

I am wondering if you were really raging about those kids on the internet or whether that rage is about something else that is beyond your consciousness?

Yes! I forgot to mention that rage can be part of mania or a mixed episode. Mania is not always pure euphoric but can be elevated mood with rage and irritability. Thanks for mentioning that.

[sapphire]

Been thinking about this and another one springs to mind - I was a teenager, and got so angry once, I actually took a hammer to my bedroom wall and took a hole out of the breeze block. They had to get the builders in to repair it. No idea what that was about, but I still remember the feeling now. Total hulking.. I think that was the first time any illness could be said to be there really obviously. .... Not that anyone took my to the doc of course, oh no.

You're right, it was not the kids on the net talking loud - there is always that lava bubbling away, and they just flicked the switch. That's how I see it - flick the switch and I'm off. Sometimes it can take a lot, other times I am already wound up. At least I am aware of that I spose, and my CPN is working on reducing triggers, but at the end of the day, why is all that rage there ??? That is the million dollar question I guess. I know I am angry about a lot of things, and that includes all these diagnoses.........

Sapphy xx

[sapphire]

Just thought, gotta laugh really ...... our puppy Stanley is going thru puberty, and he bit and clawed a huge whole in the wall, about 1 ft by 6 " while we were out a few weeks ago. Right thru to the insulation. Like mother like pup, eh.... S xx

[walker]

So?

How much plaster have you chewed ????

assuming its a Lab puppy then

Been thinking about this and another one springs to mind - I was a teenager, and got so angry once, I actually took a hammer to my bedroom wall and took a hole out of the breeze block. They had to get the builders in to repair it. No idea what that was about, but I still remember the feeling now. Total hulking.. I think that was the first time any illness could be said to be there really obviously. .... Not that anyone took my to the doc of course, oh no.

Ha, I put my fist through the glass in a door once, just because my husband wouldnt change his trousers to do gardening !!!!!!!!! I was SOOOO angry WTF????

I AM JUST SO FULL OF ANGER, and feel like I hate the world

[sapphire]

Not actually eaten the plaster, so he did NOT learn that from me, but the gesture was there !!! God only knows how it hasn't reset in his stomach and turned him into stone.

Mind you he ate a whole rotting rabbit yesterday (have you ever tried getting a rotting rabbit off a lab puppy ??? It don't work hehhehe), and is none the worse for it - labs must have super-tough digestion, as well as demolishing powers.

S xx

[sundries]

it gets better.

I was sooooooooooo furious for 3 years (read some of my posts from 2006 if u want). It is much better now though the psych services still have a major ability to piss me off and i can find them very frustrating at times...but its not rage anymore and its not that continual underlying bubbling

[walker]

you mean it can go?

[sapphire]

My psych says it can be controlled once you learn the right therapy techniques (yawn), take the right meds, and the episode (in my case BP) if I am having one calms down. I hope is calms down or between us, we may destroy the house.

Did I mention the rage I had a few weeks ago - over, wait for it - my hoover's fan belt breaking. THAT DID IT . That was a 48 hr'r.

Sapph xx

[jenga]

Yes, Walker, on a positive note I do think that the rage issue gets better with time. I was MUCH more volatile when I was youinger, and I have heard many other people say this as well.

I think as life circumstances change, that can also affect your rage. And sometimes when you start to work on things and begin to heal, you have to go back through the rage again. Hopefully it will not be as intense an long-lasting. This is a place where a mood stabilizer has really helped me out, as well as some coping techniques and sometimes meds to shorten the duration and intensity. An finally, now that I am older, sometimes I just don't have the energy to go off like I used to, though the right triggers can still do it!

[walker]

i see what you are saying, and agree to a point

but I am FAR more angry now, in my 40's - or at least I am far more aware of it.

Partly, perhaps, because I feel more trapped, and guilt ridden as an adult.

I wasnt allowed to be angry when I was young, so it has all turned inwards, and I find it very hard to express appropriately

It manifests itself as swearing, shouting, moaning, throwing, slamming, sarcasm - all of which I still get 'told off' for

But there is just no place for it to go, so it is mostly smashing away inside my head, at me.

[sundries]

walker n your case i dont know if it can go. I dont know your situation. You are a lot older than me so maybe it wont because 40 years is goign to have built up tonnes and tonnes of anger. Its taken me almost 3 years to deal with stuff that happened over 2 years (though of course the fact it was taking me three years made me angry too)

Also, I am taking medication. Maybe it would be a lot worse if i turned down help offered to me.

[Rael]

i have the most terrifying rages, terrifying for me and for anyone near me. i have white-outs where i honestly dont know/cant see what i am doing. i do have methods of controlling it or releasing it but can only say a couple. we have a private car park (bout 6 spaces) outside our house and it becomes a dumping ground. if need be i go out and smash whatever's been dumped there up. or i do sit ups and weights. or i smash the hell out of my punch bag. if you still thinking of taking up a martial art it can be a good outlet but not good if you in the grip of a rage at the time (as many people found out when i did it).

xxx

[EdwardMoss]

I think the strangest thing I've unleashed 'the fury' upon is a loaf of bread.

I sawed the lid off a washing basket too.

Mostly, I find my feet a good break from the mind. So I walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk.......

Has anyone found that at times they hold onto the anger? I do at times. The pot is bubbling away but it makes me feel alive so I whack up the heat. It passes a lot quicker though. When I noticed myself doing that I decided to 'whack up the heat' and then go and saw something. It worked well when I had a long walk or cycle to do.

My Dog has seen me kicking rocks and throwing the biggest boulders possible into the sea when he hasn't come back when I have shouted him. He wouldn't come back when I was doing that. So sometimes it's best to turn down the heat.

I did sports a lot when younger. Problem was that I was a fast bowler for a cricket team and a rugby full back. I've also grown to be 6 foot 5 so imagine the face of whoever had to face me on the sports field. I can laugh about it but it also makes me feel really bad.

A bit of advice I have been given is that no matter what you think, walls and floors ALWAYs win in the end.