Hi There

[claireannon]

Hello there everyone.

hmmm, how to introduce myself.... this is never easy.

i've joined this group in the hope of getting (and giving) support.

I have suffered from "depression" from early childhood, i wasn't physically abused but i was mentally and i didn't deal with that very well for long term coping. I had a stroke when i was 25 and that was kind of the final straw and i haven't been what i would call stable since then (i'm now 35). I am seeing my CPN on a weekly to fortnightly basis and have also reciently been seeing my psychiatrist weekly when my condition nose-dived and i gave up. I am on a waiting list for physcotherapy with they say, an experience therapist, as i'm a complex case. lol As if everyone isn't complex!

My psychiatrist and CPN have evaded telling/giving me an offical diagnoisis. Although on reading all the stuff about BPD that seems to fit me best. Linked with depression. On the DSM-IV criteria i get 8/9 with ease, but thats self diagnois and i do wish they would tell me for sure. I have tried about 6 times now but am not strong enough to push the request though and they just say "you know you best".

I am seriously scared about being rejected/abandoned and my mood will suddenly dipping for no aparent reason being the worse symtoms. I also don't think i'm worth of support/friendship/companionship which is a feeling i fight with daily.

I am on venlafaxine and risperidone which my psychiatrist assures me are not helping me at all. They are purely placebos. He said "i want you to suffer so you will be willing to work when the psychotherapy starts". Which is kind of fair enough IF the therapy had a known start date. But it does feel like he is playing with my life and clearly doesn't understand the agony i suffer.

Anyway thats enough from me.

*tentative hugs*

claire

[jades]

nice to meet u claire im jades i have bpd depression and did welcome xxxx

[claireannon]

Thank you Jades for the welcome.

*hugs*

claire

[jades]

how are u feeling today otherwise?

[claireannon]

difficult question. I feel like a tightness inside my lower chest so that i'm aware of my breathing. I feel close to tears but there is no reason for that at all. I know i'm scared of being hurt here, be it rejected or accidentally triggered. *looks at time* its time for my next risperidone which might help.

Its like i am walking though fog at the moment there are ghosts out there chattering but i'm alone and scared. There are people with me but i can't feel them.

I think i'm on the edge of dropping and running.

Perhaps thinking about my psychiatrist triggered me.. perhaps.

Sorry if this is a bit muddled but my feelings always are.

I wish .... i could be happy well even neutral would be nice. The risperidone which i started taking just before xmas gave me a few weeks of realitive peace but my psychiatrist has refused to up the dose even though its effects are starting to wear off. (i'm on 1.5 mg a day)

Thank you for asking, its helped to be allowed to open up a bit.

claire

[jades]

i kno it always is easier to put it in words if someone asks rather hsn to just sit with it do you wan to talk about psychiatrist and you anxety? maybe itll help xxx

[Paris]

hey welcome to the site :)

[Rael]

hello and

your psychiatrist seriously said he wanted you to suffer?!?!?!? how the hell does that help? im sorry you are experiencing this and i do hope the psychotherapy happens soon and helps.

hugs

xxx

[buddah]

hi claireannon, im new too. very similar case to yourself. hope you find soalce here and have a chat with you sometime.

[claireannon]

I'd love to talk about my psychiatrist he has been against medication from day one. But the anxiety. Sigh it fills my life, *tears* like now i ran from this group for a bit as i settled myself back down a bit. Until i was on the risperidone (4 weeks ago) i was in perment pain in the lower part of my chest, every breath hurt. It did increase when extra things happened but it was always there. The risperidone had/has relaxed me and reduce the anxiety a bit. But with the psychiatrist words i am so so scared it is going to return to as bad as it was before. If it does.... i can not continue. I'm not trying to overdramatic but i can not deal with that pain for any longer. Me telling my CPN that on 4 successive meetings and informing her of the progress i was making toward planing that exit card is what put me in joint sessions with my CPN and psychiatrist just before xmas. The psychiatrist was saying all through that session that there was nothing he could do, it was only when i said i needed some hope that i think he agreed to give me the risperidone at a very very small dose.

Here is what he has said to me so far:

1.Said Risperidone will certainly stop working in a months time. (from start date so ie now)

2.On me saying “I hadn't heard back about therapy yet, even though i had waited for the suggested 3 months” he said “its got a very very long waiting list”. I don't count 3 months as very very long and so what is right; what I have been told by the hospital or him?

3.He had a go at me when I told him I had given my carer (friend) my suicide stash of drugs because he didn't want to know anything about them as those drugs were none of his business.

4.Word for word he said "I want you to feel the pain of depression so that you will be committed to therapy". This was on refusing any further medication changes or increases.

5.He said, no psychiatric drugs will ever work for me, all of them are just placebos for me. I asked if this was true for everyone and he said no, but a high percentage. This goes against want my neuro-psychiatrist said to me.

He simply broke me apart that last meeting, which was on Wednesday. And my CPN didn't stand up for me at all. I felt totally attacked.

When i think about what he has said it hurts me and initiates that oh so familiar pain in my chest. I think the risperidone is still reducing it, for now. I am simply scared and it is going though my head to end it now rather than wait for the suffering to restart in full.

I don't know for sure the pain is anxiety, all i know is it pain and its not "real".

When i first went on the risperidone i actually had the courage for the first time to start taking the medication to stop me having another stroke (i've had a second - 4 years ago). But without the risperidone effect i want to stop taking them again. Midnight my carer/friend may help out there but thats not really fair of me. She has been diagnosed with BPD but is a lot stronger than me and looks after me 27/7 i guess i do support her as well.

I am married to Andy who is very understanding but i'm putting him though so much as well. Oh i just want to give up again right now, i'm not needed. I hurt everyone i get near.

I am unemployed as of a month ago as my previous employeer was no longer willing to pay my sickness absence.

sorry

claire

[claireannon]

hi claireannon, im new too. very similar case to yourself. hope you find soalce here and have a chat with you sometime.

*hugs* i'd like to chat to you too. Is this scary for you too?

claire

[jades]

im soo srry but icant seem to read my scean right niw il have to try to read hi id later on and et back to you k hugs xxxx

[buddah]

at times. other times im on top of the world. kinda bi-polar you see.

as far as what you were saying about your psych... alot of those people have a prejudice towards people with BPD because it is a very hard illness to treat. it is not given the respect it deserves. and some areas won't give ANY treatment. it is said that this a case of under resourcing but that is not the case. in my area you wait almost 2 years to see any type of therapist.

doctors see BPD patients as timewasters. as alot of the time they are reluctant to treatment. this is not the case. it is just a harder nut (no pun intended) to crack. and most NHS doctors just don't give a shit.

despite the seemingly negative nature of my statement. thats not how it was intended.

when you come to get to understand your illness it can be a GOOD thing. my dad (he is manic or bi-polar or whatever they call it these days) allways said to me when i was at my worst that fuck it. your almost certainly better off having emotional extremes. otherwise what would your life be like? id rather it was full of colour and texture than just all different shades of grey. the problem is that that is how it can seem on a low. but when your high it's great.

i guess what im saying is you take the good with the bad and try not to put too much faith in what doctors tell you. bear in mind that in 50 years time almost all the shit they are talking to you will be totally discreditied.

anyway good luck to you and carpe diem!

[claireannon]

im soo srry but icant seem to read my scean right niw il have to try to read hi id later on and et back to you k hugs xxxx

Thats ok Jades, *hugs* just knowing you are there is enough and you making the effort to respond to me is ... wonderful.

Thank you

claire

[claireannon]

at times. other times im on top of the world. kinda bi-polar you see.

as far as what you were saying about your psych... alot of those people have a prejudice towards people with BPD because it is a very hard illness to treat. it is not given the respect it deserves. and some areas won't give ANY treatment. it is said that this a case of under resourcing but that is not the case. in my area you wait almost 2 years to see any type of therapist.

doctors see BPD patients as timewasters. as alot of the time they are reluctant to treatment. this is not the case. it is just a harder nut (no pun intended) to crack. and most NHS doctors just don't give a shit.

despite the seemingly negative nature of my statement. thats not how it was intended.

when you come to get to understand your illness it can be a GOOD thing. my dad (he is manic or bi-polar or whatever they call it these days) allways said to me when i was at my worst that fuck it. your almost certainly better off having emotional extremes. otherwise what would your life be like? id rather it was full of colour and texture than just all different shades of grey. the problem is that that is how it can seem on a low. but when your high it's great.

i guess what im saying is you take the good with the bad and try not to put too much faith in what doctors tell you. bear in mind that in 50 years time almost all the shit they are talking to you will be totally discreditied.

anyway good luck to you and carpe diem!

You make a very good point about seeing colour rather than grey. A very positive way to view it. I just don't seem to get very many positive points.

*hugs*

claire

[jades]

k i can see again im glad ur making more friends is there a possibility of outside counceing our shppig around maybe this guyist the right fit for u i dont know how it works ther im in the states?xxxx

[Rael]

can you request to see a different psychiatrist? theres one at our place that no matter how desperate i am i will not see him he is an ignorant t***. if you feel you are not being given good treatment (and this seems the case) can you talk to PALS and get some advice from them they are usually quite good

xxx

[claireannon]

Rael, i've already seen one other psychaitrist there and he was even worse. But i could try and see another... Does anyone know if CPNs are generally linked to one psychiatrist? As i don't really want to loose my CPN if i do stop seeing him.

Was yet again feeling really bad inside even though my cat Brandy was laid on my lap trying to comfort me. Luckily Midnight woke up from a snooze and so i'm no longer alone. (Andy has gone to bed) (I have 4 dogs, 2 cats and a tropical tank of over breeding mollies/guppies! lol)

Thank you for the welcomes. I did a test online for personality disorders. I came up with likely for 6/10 of them! lol I wish these test were trustable I so much want to have a label/hook to stick my problems onto.

claire

[claireannon]

I HATE myself i'm so **** pathetic. Tried the live chat here and just ended up hurting so so so much inside i fled like a scared child. I'm sorry i just can't cope in this world.

claire

[Rael]

hey dont feel bad, the chat thing can be a big thing to get used to, do you know what about it caused a problem? i was so scared when i first went in and logged out a few times cos it got too much. people are really nice and will understand if it takes a while to get used to it.

(CPN's as far as i know are not linked to one psychiatrist).

hugs

xxx

[claireannon]

hey dont feel bad, the chat thing can be a big thing to get used to, do you know what about it caused a problem? i was so scared when i first went in and logged out a few times cos it got too much. people are really nice and will understand if it takes a while to get used to it.

(CPN's as far as i know are not linked to one psychiatrist).

hugs

xxx

Thanks again Rael, i think i felt scared that i was going to be ignored..... A new person joined and my mind assumed that that was it i was being replaced. I know this is a very warped way of viewing it. Firstly no one is the center of attention and i shouldn't want/need to be and secondly they were being very very friendly and there were no signs of me being ignored. Immediately my mind though put me in the mental state of i was being ignored/rejected and suddenly i was seeing it a few seconds would go by, i did my normal "call out in desperation" which is done in such a subtle and pathetic way that no one has a chance of understanding it and responding and i exit well before they really have a chance to anyhow. All so that my belief that i am being ignored/rejected is proved. Its all so predictable and pathetic and out of my control. I have done what i always do hurt people and already i feel i am now unwelcome here. *crying*

help, perhaps, please.

sorry

claire

[Rael]

well i can promise you you are most welcome here its difficult to start with because you havent had a chance to feel you can reach out maybe as easily as if you were settled in. no matter, we here are a patient lot and i can guarantee that people will still be nice if you go back in. its actually good that you can recognise what happened for you, now its just a case of working through it and feeling comfortable challenging the thoughts and working through to see that people here will not reject or ignore you. dont give up hun

hugs

xxx

[sylv666]

:welcomeani:

my hubby is on risperidone aswell and has been for nearly 5 years.

he gets crippling anxiety attacks and severe chest pains, the first time I saw him have one I was terrifird it was a heart attack.

i CANNOT believe what your psy said to you!!! That is so ignorant.

you are very here, nice to meet you

:bigarmhug[1]:

[Nixie]

:welcomeani:

Hiya Claireannon! I love that name!

Chat was really scary the first time I tried it, but I learned you can say as much or as little as you want and no one will mind. If you've got something on your mind or just want a bit of attention or just want to listen in on the conversations, it's all good. Just tell whoever's in there how you feel.

:hug2:

[claireannon]

Thank you everyone for your words of empathy about trying to go into the chat room. Nixie, surely its not ok to ask for attention as i'm unknown and haven't earn't that right (i never do). Its probably what i did want.

Is there a place on this site where you can write like a diary. I noticed the blogs but i never used one of them before, are they open for anyone to view or just the author?

until then i hope its ok if i put a few things down here? I don't know where else to put it as i'm not sure where it would fit and i guess it is still sort of an introduction to me?

I nose dived again twice since i last wrote. Last night i almost fled with my tablets, was planning how to when Midnight came and read to me until i fell asleep. I know, i know bit sad being read to as an adult but hay it worked!

The second time was after my appointment with the GP. It went very well the appointment but again meant thinking about my psychiatrist. I drove home but on reaching my door all i wanted to do was run again, I was hurting so much inside again. It seems the pain is returning more and more.

The gp said one good thing, in his oppinon the p-doc can't say the risperidone will stop working as no one can predict for sure what a drug will do for an individual person. The gp also prescribed more of it and i'm going to take a little extra if i need to, ie 2mg rather than 1.5mg.

Thank you for supporting me so far *appricative hugs* i am struggling with serious instincts telling me i'm unwelcome/ being abusive of the place etc etc. I need reasurance, i know, but i also know that i get very frustrating to be arround as i need almost permemnt reasurance. I'm not sure if its best for me to say i'm feeling vunerable and perhaps get that reasurance or to keep it quiet and try and learn to continue on without it? Incase i do run in fear/false rejection i reallly do thank you all already. Oh i hope that made some sense!

*general hugs*

claire