Not Sure

[xHx]

Um i dont really know what to say its just that im feeling depressed again, not as bad as i was before but still depressed. i feel terrible in the morning (but thats not unusual for me) but it gets to the point where i cant face getting up and going to college just because i cant be bothered (thats the only way i can describe it) when im at college im fine but then i think its just an automatic reaction that i give, you know the "im fine and hyper" type of cover up, i carry on with this act untill i get home and then i used to be how i felt, jut plain miserable for no reason, and talked to my mum about things. but now i just keep the act on and just tell every one im fine probably just because its easier. then i come up into my room and then i get really depressed and all i do is go on my laptop and come on here and do my college work, this is also the time i SH but this isnt having the desired effect, or the effect it used to, and i just feel myself spiralling out of control, i text my friend or chat to her on msn but theres not alot she can do as i lack motivation to get better. i lack motivation to get better, its like i dont want to get better, but then i dont enjoy being depressed but i cant push myself to make me better because like my friend says "you've got to want to get better and its up to you to make youself better". . .

um yeah sorry for my ramblings but i just needed to get it all out and yeah thanks for reading :D

[sawdustforbrains]

hey, hi your not rambling, sometimes just writing or typing how you feel takes your mind off sh if just for a minute. i dont sh, but i do understand how you feel, like many nothers will when they read your post. its not about motivation i dont think, its about you being ready for help. let me tell you something, i have been a mess for 18 years and i have only just 2 days ago went for an assesment with a counsellor. when your ready for help you will find the motivation to do it because then you will be ready. if your feeling down at anytime instead of sh maybe you should come on here and it doesnt matter if you feel your rambling or not maing sense, because people who read your posts will understand where your coming from your friend may be there for you to chat with but its not the same if she doesnt understand you. maybe your friend will benefit from either reading other peoples posts, or doing some research on your symptoms maybe then she might be able to help you help yourself. i hope this helps you please feel free to keep "rambling" we all feel your feelings. take care xxx

[mort]

It's not just up to you to get better, mh issues are as real as physical ones. If you had diabetes would you think it was just a case of wanting to get better that would deal with the condition?

I hope coming on here helps and distracts you from sh but are you having any professional help? If not then get to the docs and try to explain how you feel.

The feelings you describe are not ones you can "get over" on your own, all of us need help sometimes and there is no shame attatched to any of this. Please try to be kind to you

tc

mort x

[xHx]

my friends mum has depression and she helps her out alot even though they dont have a good relationship so i know that she does know where im coming from , but i find it really hard to explain in detail how i feel, partially because i dont acctully know in my own mind also because i cant put what i do know into words so all i can come up with is that i cant be bothered which is true but then it just comes across that im lazy and dont want the help that i could get. I think that what you said about "being ready" for help is true as i dont open up easily and even with the people i do trust enough to open to i still get all shaky and nervous when i have to talk about how i feel. im not getting professional help at the moment im not really too sure on how to go about it but hopfully i will be getting some in the near future. but that was great advice from both of you, thanks xHx

[Rael]

not meaning to knock your friend, its really great that she is there for her mum, but everyone's experiences of mh problems are different, helping out her mum doesnt mean that she necessarily know what is in your head. its awesome that she is there for you and trying to support you, but being around it isnt the same as living it.

you said you not sure about how to seek professional help, basically just go to your gp, let him/her know how you are feeling, either see if they can help you or ask to be referred to a mental health team and/or counselor.

hope you feel better

xxx

[Miko]

Keep it simple. Try to find out what you are actually sad about.

If you got by then maybe that was all right.

But you probably need more rest. Do one-third the study modules and work one third the time and sleep half as much again.

[xHx]

i dont know what exactly is making me depressed at the moment, before me and my mum figured out what it was and i sort of got over it, but now a few weeks later its come back and there doesnt seem to be a particular reason so i dont know.

i think whats stopping from going to the drs is my mum, i get the feeling that she doesnt want me to go, or thinks that i dont need to go becausie they'd just be saying the same thing she is (which is probably true) and the fact that she hates drs because they've diagnosed my dad with his condition which is going to effect my whole family, but i dont want to go into that right now, but then i thought most of this stuff when i told her about my sh but she turned out to be understanding, but then im not sure if i want help, not that i enjoy being the way i am but then i dont want to get some dr invading my personal life when i dont even know them

[Rael]

there doesnt necessarily have to be a reason for you feeling this way, sometimes there is and it can help to work it through but sometimes the depression is just there.

i would go to your doctor, in the end its not your mum who has to deal with these feelings and dont worry too much about docs invading your personal life, they only have to know what you tell them and if there some things you not comfortable saying yet you can take your time about them.

xxx

[Miko]

I don't know what age group you are in, are there doctors specialising in your age group or are you beyond such an age so to speak?

(In my day there weren't anyway, which shows how old I am)

Do you know different doctors within the practice and are one or two of them a bit nicer than the rest?

About your Dad it's fine you don't give us any details - but try and work out within yourself which ways the situation between him & the doctors is connected with you and which ways it isn't connected with you. In case you can more easily talk to one of the doctors then.

Mind you I know how it is to feel traumatised around certain people because of what issues they have made themselves associated with.

[xHx]

Thanks you've both been great but i think maybe another thing that its making me find it hard is that i have never been to the docs so i have no idea what its like so it'll be a whole new experience as well as talking about how i feel and stuff. Another hard thing is that i have thse really good spells, like right now im feeling fine, so i dont feel the need to go to the docs so i dont think about it until i get depressed again, then when im depressed i dont want to go so i dont and dont have the mental or physical energy to go

im 16 by the way and i get paraniod as i think the doctor will jut think im attention seeking because of my age

[Rael]

could you write things down if you worried about going, could allow you to get everything across without fear of them interrupting you to dismiss you, more likely that they will read through it all properly. i understand the whole when you feel ok you dont feel the need to go and then when depressed dont want to go. but better to go now while you know you can and emphasize that this isnt just something you went through, its something recurring and that when you are low you are unlikely to go so you want to seek help now while you feel able.

worst comes to worst, if the doc says anything about it being your age or anything, get in to see a different doc and keep trying.

xxx

[xHx]

i have started noting things down when i do get depressed, like dates and times and stuff i did also write about general feelings i had most of it was just rambling on about nothing to do with anything but it was just some randomness that was going through my head so i suppose thats good, im just going to have to find time now to acctully go to the docs im so busy at the moment with college and work and college work, which are all stressors but i will find time and when i come on here saying that i havnt gone yet keep telling me i have to otherwise i wont go i need to be pushed into these things

xHx

[Rael]

GO TO THE DOCTORS

good on you for starting to write things down, its good for you as well as being something to help the doctor see, sometimes there are things gonig on and triggering things and we dont even recognise it until we keep a record. you doing the right things hun.

xxx

[jtfy88]

writing things down are for the best definately, not only will it help when you go to the doctors, but itll help you get your thoughts into perspective, and let you understand whats going on in there a lot more! I found that when i started to write stuff down, it triggered a lot of emotions and memories that I had almost counted as insignificant to the way i felt, so maybe itll help you find any reasons your looking for too!

as for the doctors, going really will help. Don't think about how they are judging you because theyre not, their job is to look after you as a patient. even if your having a good day, going to the doctors will help. If you explain it to them, maybe if you go back on a down day they will understand that youre not just upset, but really are feeling depressed.

I hope this helps, and good luck xxxx

[xHx]

i just cant bring myself to go to the drs

im in one of my moods now i just cant bring myself to do anything, dreading going to college tomorrow it means i have t face veryone even though nothings happend and nothing will happen once i get to college i'll just be all normal and stuff but i just put on this act at college someties to the piont where im ridiculously over the top and i hate it but i cant help it, its a defence mechanism but then i dont know what im defending myself from i just dont want to go but i have to. i just dont want to do anything, nobody wants me here whats the piont in anything whenyour feel so unwanted

[jtfy88]

how about writing a letter to your doctors? or calling up the samaritans? alternatively, go to http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/need-support which has some really good stuff on there to get you going. Kepp strong hun xxxx

[xHx]

thanks i'll go on there now

xHx

[jtfy88]

how did it go last night? i hope you slept well too, a great nights sleep always helps! xx

[Rael]

how did college go hun? how are you doing?

xxx

[xHx]

College was ok-ish just the same old normallness really, i was really depressed though esspecially yesterday but then my friend who i hadnt chatted to for a few years texted me as we had lost contact and found it again and we gave each others numbers and he just texted me yesterday which perked me up alot, but then there was still that little bit of me inside of my head still feeling depressed and stuff so i dont know whats going on but tody i've been on and off im feeling ok at the momment, just had a long relaxing bath, cleansing myself out which has helped a bit. Im just takng each day as it comes at the moment as i seem to be different everyday so who knows, but thanks for asking people its nice to know people acctully remember me i also writ about 3 pages in my book where i keep track of my emotions and note down when i feel severly depressed and when i self harm, i noticed yesterday that i havnt self harmed for over a week now even though i havnt been feeling so good so i am rather happy about that.

xHx

[Rael]

thats fantastic about not self harming for over a week, really well done. nice that you reconnected with your friend, even if it doesnt make it go away if it made you feel even a little better thats good.

good idea about writing things down, i used to do that and really should start again, i kinda go through phases with it but its good for recognizing patterns. hope that tomorrow is better for you

xxx

[xHx]

today has been a weird day i was acctully early-ish for college which makes a change. i was feeling ok but then i always feel "ok" at college but then realise that im not but anyways i didnt feel overly bad today but i go to lesson and my friend wasnt feeling good but then it was early and by lunch time we ended up getting a bit toooo hyper so that was fun and was a good distractor, then i get home and no one really seems to care even though i bought sweets!!!! so i just sat and watchd tv while the world went on around me. so all in all a better day than normal, but then every day's different so who knows whats going to happen tomorrow.

I dont write down hings everyday just when i feel like i have to let things out then i sorta go off on a tangent but its all fairly relevent, im thinking when i acctully get round to getting help i'llshow them the book if i trust them enough but it takes me a long time to trust people.