Well Thats It Then -

[walker]

yeah i guess

just want cuddles and kindness really

just gone to bed to cuddle duvet and hide from hub

[jades]

sorry i havent been there much walker not up for much lately hugs tho xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Rael]

i do the same thing with seeing someone once and coming to all sorts of conclusions about them. i think its kinda natural because you go in expecting some kind of revelation or something, some sign first time that tells you you are dong the right thing. then when it doesnt come oyu just feel 'oh ok then erm....' and thats when the doubts and stuff climb in.

i do think you should give it time, it may take a while for both of you to find your feet with each other, you are new to her too. you did say some positives about her so i agree hang on to them and see where it takes you. this is private right? if so then worst comes to worst you try another, you are in control here, you are paying them.

xxx

[daisy duck]

I afree with rael...its easy to think that something life changing or big is going to happen.But you may just need time to get to know her and feel comfatable so see how it goes.Big hugs and hope you feel better soon

xxx

[walker]

rael, you may remember a discussion u and I had with Ross some months back, about my very first T about the need to feel safe

I just feel she may be too weak to give me that strength, but then perhaps I will only ever feel it from a man, - a SAFE strength, one that can be trusted

i just cnat face trailing from person to person, some sad cow, paying people to love her like some bloody whore

sorry

really sorry

just in a state right now

[daisy duck]

Im sorry your in a state hun....you are not sad.We all want to be loved and listened to.

xxxxxx

[Rael]

sometimes strength comes from the smallest and most surprising of people. we all have a preconception of what strength means or requires but anyone can have it.

you're not paying anyone to love you, they are there to help you. you havent paid us to like and be here for you (or am i missing out on something here - sorry joke), we are here because we want to be

is there anything you can do to calm down a little, anything nice - even if just a little bit nice?

xxx

[walker]

that is a good reply thank you rael

and thank you daisy

just want ot hurt, so so bad tonight, really want to hurt so bad

[walker]

ok

am seeing this T again next tues - but its in my head, all the time

and it feels wrong

I am making it bad in my head

I am turning it into something negative, yet nothing bad happened

the whole visit was bizarre

it was v v like a psychodymic T I had years ago, in the environment -

a spotless house, everything just so, upstairs, turn right, along the landing to the end, sit in rh corner by the door and window, guest bed other side

SHIT it was Just the same

and it freaked me

The guy had been ok, had helped me, but it was my first experience of the 50 mins 'well we need to finish in a moment ' stuff, which I struggled with

and I never felt he cared about me

not in a warm way

And I fear this is the same

perhaps because of the stairs

or the cleanness

or the chair in the corner

SHIT

I dont know

but I want someone to care about me,

I want to matter

but I guess that is not the role of a therapist, it is the role of family and friends, and I struggle to feel it from them, too

after all, I hatd James (cbt guy) when I first met him, and we got on well in the end

She is never going to

shit i must stop this,

i met her for an hour

then she said

'well we need to finish in a moment' - or something like that

and little t, or whoever it was in there, sighed and crawled back away, ready for the outside world - I felt it happen, I actually felt the withdrawal as she said those words

I HATE myself for doing this, for being this, for needing this, hate hate hate it

close to calling her and saying NO

but she is skilled

and good

she might help

do I want help? I just want to be held and heard

will she hold me - NEVER -

[Angel123]

Hey walker, just red this whole thread.

Well done for getting the courage and stength to go prrivate and ring round finding a therapist, that sounded like it was a hard thing to do.

Please dont give up just yet, give it good go.

We are all here to support you and you can get hold of me if you need to.

Take care hugs xxx

[Roses]

:bigarmhug[1]:

(btw am still holding your hand). xxxxx

[walker]

ty xx

[Rael]

this is a big thing to be doing hun and its natural that you are anxious about it, could it be that they are figuring it looks more professional for them to have the place so precise and ordered. maybe the idea is that if it looked shabby and messy you would think less of it or start to feel shabby and messy in your head (i do this when house is untidy, my head always feels slightly clearer and more ordered when my surroundings are too).

the feeling you got when she said you were done, that is something that will hopefully get better with time, you will learn skills to deal with things and it should mean you feel better (however slightly) about facing the world. you have made a big step and its an achievement for you to be going, be proud of that

xxx

[walker]

have just sent this to a T who referred me to the one i spoke about above

OH DEAR

this was stupid

wasnt it

Dear J

I am sorry to bother you again

I have seen jp and am seeing her again on tues, she seems very nice and highly skilled

but i am not comfortable - it is all too clean and controlled and scares me

I need to matter

I need someone who will care, and who i can email when i feel bad, or text. I dont mean all the time cos i would never ever do that , but when things get bad.

i know there is probably no one who will do that

i know you will probably just say find some friends

but i cant talk about all this to friends

i am willing to walk or catch buses or even trains (not so easy)

but i desperately need someone who will show me that i matter

just email me and tell me NO if you wnat

and i will search somewhere else

I know i should give j a chance

and I know i have only met her once and nothing bad happened, but i am making it all bad in my head, like i always do

I am very ashamed of my needs, not proud of what i am doing, but i am desperate for someone who will hear me, and who will also reach out to me and wont mind me swearing and shouting and stuff

perhaps i am just wrong, completely wrong

sorry i am taking up your time and being demanding - all the people in my head are telling me this is wrong and to stop but it is my only hope. even if you just give me a list of some names and i will call them cos i dont want to give you loads hassle or work to do for me.

so damn pathetic

i cant believe i am doing this

[jades]

i dont think its pathetic i think its brave to cry out for help and to let them know how severly u need it hugs xxxxxxx

[walker]

thanks jades

you are very kind

i have now sent 3 crazy emails

i must stop or the whole of the uk will hate me soon

i just dont know what else to do

but then the thought of someone actually helping to sort me out, sends me running ot hide

yes i am reaching out but i know i keep snatching my hand away, too

[jades]

i know you want help but its fear of change that keeps snatching that hand away it will be ok ive broken off some of my brave and im giving it to you xxxxxxx

[walker]

ty

xxxx

[Rael]

its not pathetic hun when people are scared they search around for help and i can understand you doing that. and looking for help doesnt make it any easier to accept it sometimes, for me at least often i look round for help but because i dont actually expect to get a response, if i do then instinct is to back off because i get confused and dont know what to do.

xxx

[Roses]

Walker, when you are ready you will leave your hand outstretched. Don't worry about it just keep on trying and it'll happen one day. We are all here for you. xxxxx

[walker]

thank you so so much for understanding and not chucking it back in my face

thank you

xx

[daisy duck]

hi walker...how are things now?

xxx

[wednesday]

Hi Walker

It is all so resolent (?) of my experience of Ts .. It sounds like you need to talk so much and there is so much to say and you need them to understand. It hurts so much when they come to that ending-so professional -so cold. We have been conditioned to feel that massive sense of shame that we have needs and they are not being met. Don't you think that is just like our childhood all over again? Even as adults this has left us needing that support. It was not our fault as children that our needs were not met and it is not our fault now that because our our pasts that we still have these needs. It is however, very uncomfortable-it makes us vulnerable. There doesn't seem to be an answer to this. (not that I have found) I need them to be like a parent.

Just try to hang on in there Walker. It can take weeks and weeks to get there with a new t (and thats even with a good one) I try to be upfront and try to negotiate boundaries right from the start. (Mine have had to go away and think about it but all have come back with something I could live with --but only if I approached them in an open manner rather than shower them with unwanted emotional phone calls. (which got me in lots of bother))

I know how hard it is...............fingers crossed

[wednesday]

Hi Walker

It is all so resolent (?) of my experience of Ts .. It sounds like you need to talk so much and there is so much to say and you need them to understand. It hurts so much when they come to that ending-so professional -so cold. We have been conditioned to feel that massive sense of shame that we have needs and they are not being met. Don't you think that is just like our childhood all over again? Even as adults this has left us needing that support. It was not our fault as children that our needs were not met and it is not our fault now that because our our pasts that we still have these needs. It is however, very uncomfortable-it makes us vulnerable. There doesn't seem to be an answer to this. (not that I have found) I need them to be like a parent.

Just try to hang on in there Walker. It can take weeks and weeks to get there with a new t (and thats even with a good one) I try to be upfront and try to negotiate boundaries right from the start. (Mine have had to go away and think about it but all have come back with something I could live with --but only if I approached them in an open manner rather than shower them with unwanted emotional phone calls. (which got me in lots of bother))

I know how hard it is...............fingers crossed

[walker]

Update

Have seen the T three times now, in secret - hub does not know

She is good, kind, accepting, gentle, quiet,

yes she so F8cking quiet

guess mum would like her, she must be nice if she quiet after all

well anyway

i am angry

occ health wont let me return to work and its all my damn fault and i hate myself so damn much for getting into this mess

so yesterday i emailed her and said i wont come back

I wont see her

I cant

I am nothing to her, i dont matter, and I hate her squeaky clean house and her bloody quiet voice

shit i am angry

Anyway, I have found someone else

she is a psychologist

she is trained in schema and EMDT or whatever that eye thingy is

she specailizes in traum and early childhood trauma - so not really me

but i emailed her and she replied, and she didnt just say go away you already have someone, like the others did - she liestend and responded

eventually i spoke to her on the phone, last friday

she listened

when i told her i want to hurt, i want to be ill, i dont want to get better, she knew why,

i told her i would email after the occ health appt, but she still wen ahead and emailed about a book i could read to help identify if I am BPD.

She said the schema would help me with my need for validation through pain

we have since exchanged several emails and so far she has not failed me

when i poured out great long appologies for my existence she said it is ok, she said she doesnt think i am using her

I dont know

She sounds so nice

she has been so kind this past week

but

she charges £60 and the train will cost about £10

and

it will mean travelling alone on the train - but it IS only 30 mins

but now i have NO salary at all

i dont know

i am scared of meeting her incase i dont like her

i need to like her

i am scared she wil be younger than me, or mega smart and intimidating

I am so so scared

because i need her