Don't Know Where I'm Going.

[*Sapphire*]

I’ve had issues now for 2 years. I’ve gone from restricting completely to binging and purging, and something in between the two and now I feel like I’ve hit some kind of wall. The reality of what my life has become how much this revolves around everything. I don’t feel like I want to change though because I’ve lived like this for so long, going round in circles all the time, but it’s become my life and it controls everything; without this I have nothing. I have no real friends anymore, I don’t want to let people into my world I don’t want people to know how much I struggle with this. Even tonight I was invited to go out for a meal for my friends 18th but I didn’t because I wouldn’t be able to do that. I can’t eat in front of people it makes me anxious to the extent that I feel like crying, imagining what all the people around me would think of me eating. I take laxatives on a regular basis, have done for over a year now, more so now than I have before. I’ve been purging blood for awhile now, about 8 months or something on and off, my chest hurts if I exercise too much, or sometimes when I’m not doing anything at all. I’ve taught myself to be able to bring food back up without using my fingers to bring it back up (but it isn’t as effective.) All these things make me feel wrong, what I’m doing I know it’s wrong but it’s my life. It’s how I work and how I survive.

I did let a friend in awhile ago, but not properly and I didn’t tell them the full picture but I didn’t feel comfortable having someone know those things. I understood that she didn’t know what to do, who would know what to do to help someone like that?

Since then it made things more awkward and drifted apart, there isn’t anyone else I would confide in about this. Telling my family is a no go, I don’t even want to imagine what they’d think or say about it, we don’t have that good a relationship with each other. I’ll be going to university in September, turning 18 this year and I don’t know if the part of me that’s scared of how much independence I’ll have there is being overpowered by my urge to go. Not a day goes by where I wish I was at university already, how much easier thing would become to drift away from the world so I could just disappear. I don’t know what I want from this, I guess I just want support and someone to tell me that I have something to fight for. I don’t know if I want help, I find it hard asking for help, did it once and got nowhere I just want to feel ok.