Pigsknacker Posted January 25, 2009 Report Share Posted January 25, 2009 On Thursday I was diagnosed with depression after a long long period of low and anxious episodes, My Marriage is all but over due to my depression so now I have the shock of discovering im mentally ill and my wife cant cope with my illness.Im in despair and I can’t see a way ahead. Help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 25, 2009 Report Share Posted January 25, 2009 Hey there, welcome to the boards. Sorry you going through rough patch. Here if you want to talk. Not always reply straight away as got young family. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 25, 2009 Report Share Posted January 25, 2009 would your wife be willing to read information about depression? a lot of people who cant cope with loved one's being ill dont really know about it and whats going on and this can make it harder for them to cope with. maybe if you could give her some information to read then it might help? as you have just been diagnosed, are they giving you any treatment for it? you could let your wife know that treatment could drastically improve things and that you are moving in the right direction by seeking help.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xHx Posted January 25, 2009 Report Share Posted January 25, 2009 im new to depression as well even though i havent been diagnosed as im too chicken to go to the doctors to get it sorted. but its great that you did and your wife will come round it takes people time like Rael said give her some information and have a proper talk about it then maybe she'll come round, it's probaby because she doesnt know alot about it. well done for taking the big step by getting help :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaton Posted January 25, 2009 Report Share Posted January 25, 2009 What you will find, if you are new to depression, is that most people couldn't be arsed if you were. So with that in mind you have got to say to yourself "Well if they aren't I am". The next step is to realise that it is your mind that is depressed and going through it!My experience told me that if my mind could conjure thoughts of depression.....then it was equally capable of create thoughts of good feeling.Consequently I would study several different ways of looking at something that made me feel low and not respond with a feeling either way until I had solid evidence that that was the case! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigsknacker Posted January 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 What you will find, if you are new to depression, is that most people couldn't be arsed if you were. So with that in mind you have got to say to yourself "Well if they aren't I am". The next step is to realise that it is your mind that is depressed and going through it!My experience told me that if my mind could conjure thoughts of depression.....then it was equally capable of create thoughts of good feeling.Consequently I would study several different ways of looking at something that made me feel low and not respond with a feeling either way until I had solid evidence that that was the case!All very helpful advice guys thanks, I have taken a course in positive thinking and it has helped me to look at situations in several different ways. My problem stems from my behaviour before i was diagnosed , I feel my wife dont think i can change my ways . I was a miserable, grouchy , emmotional wreck which has brought her down as well and she cant trust me to change.How can i prove that i want to change? I want to feel better , I want to be happy. I want to keep my wife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 sometimes actions speak louder than words. Communicating with our partners is difficult at the best of times. Can u think of anything that would mean more to her than gifts and words and promises? For me, it would be to have his undivided attention for a whole day. Guess what? He's booked Thurs off without me asking. Kids r at school and we have time. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigsknacker Posted January 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 sometimes actions speak louder than words. Communicating with our partners is difficult at the best of times. Can u think of anything that would mean more to her than gifts and words and promises? For me, it would be to have his undivided attention for a whole day. Guess what? He's booked Thurs off without me asking. Kids r at school and we have time. xxxMy wife has made me sleep in the spare room and wont even cuddle me, Its a lonely old road Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 I'm sorry to her that things are lonely for you. There must be a way to move forward though. You still in same house so must be something?? Are u on meds? Do you have councellor ot therapist? Can ur wife go on course or have councelling to help her understand / deal with it? Why she not support you with illness?? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigsknacker Posted January 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 I'm sorry to her that things are lonely for you. There must be a way to move forward though. You still in same house so must be something?? Are u on meds? Do you have councellor ot therapist? Can ur wife go on course or have councelling to help her understand / deal with it? Why she not support you with illness?? xxI think its fear? We are going to relate and i have been attending sessions at Mind . I just have to hold on and hope she will love me again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 We have been to relate for 7 sessions now and it is having some impact especially with communication. I suffer with depression and it can really affect a relationship.Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigsknacker Posted January 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 We have been to relate for 7 sessions now and it is having some impact especially with communication. I suffer with depression and it can really affect a relationship.Good luck.Thank you , Do you still live together? we are still in the same house but i sleep on the sofa bed, I find relate a real help but i think it reminds my wife of the shit times we had which then turns her against me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 i guess like any therapy sometimes we need to be reminded of how things were (ie bad) in order to learn to see the improvements that have been made. i really hope it helps you both.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigsknacker Posted January 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 i guess like any therapy sometimes we need to be reminded of how things were (ie bad) in order to learn to see the improvements that have been made. i really hope it helps you both.xxxVery good point Rael. I sometimes want to take my brain out of my head and wash it in ice cold water! I know it sounds daft. I have a wonderful family Three magnificent kids and a wife who i love very very much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 Is a time thing I guess. When me and hubbie went through bad patch few years back, due to his addiction, I felt very angry. In the end it turned out I was not angry at what he had done or resented the fact he had an addiction it was as basic as I felt that by keeping it secret he hadn't respected my feelings. Silly or what. At the end of the day our family nearly split-up, not because he got us in debt or lied or blamed me or mentally abused me or left us with no money for food or was never here leaving me with 2 little un's 24/7 - nothing like that - it was down to him not respecting me. Then I realised if he had an addiction it was not his fault as addicts can't control it. Then we moved forward. Sorry if rambling, hope it helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 Tracked you down to here! The overt depression of your emotions currently is just the last wagon in the train.The real bad stuff is what went on before, from the sounds of it, so you can be glad you are well stuck into examining it.It will seem more raw for your wife at this stage as well, when again the worst was what is past.Hopefully!Do you need a medicine? If so beware that antidepressants are overprescribed and what bipolar people need (who are more common than doctors think) are a mood stabiliser. Most of those help with absence seizures as well. Bipolar patients go into a frenzy if prescribed an antidepressant (and that can take many months to come out of). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigsknacker Posted January 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 Is a time thing I guess. When me and hubbie went through bad patch few years back, due to his addiction, I felt very angry. In the end it turned out I was not angry at what he had done or resented the fact he had an addiction it was as basic as I felt that by keeping it secret he hadn't respected my feelings. Silly or what. At the end of the day our family nearly split-up, not because he got us in debt or lied or blamed me or mentally abused me or left us with no money for food or was never here leaving me with 2 little un's 24/7 - nothing like that - it was down to him not respecting me. Then I realised if he had an addiction it was not his fault as addicts can't control it. Then we moved forward. Sorry if rambling, hope it helps.Rose what you have said is so enlightening to me! You have sumed up everything. My wife feels she cant be sure if the past is coming to hurt us again and she needs reassurance but the flip is i need her to reassure me so i feel strong to move on. Its a cycle of need . There is a way forward i just wish i knew she was as focused as me and i wish i could show her how focused i was.If only i could cut myself open and show her........ But it dont work that way do it? Its hard to be strong whan all you want to do is rip yourself apart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hello. I'm glad my little ramble helped. I'm alsways worried that I sound like I'm preaching at people and I'm not. It is a difficult situation. I said to my hubbie it feels like we both need so much and there is not enough giving to go round. We spent years trying to pull what we needed from each other and it was not until we realised what we were doing that we learnt to accept what was happening and talked ways to get through it. Sounds like you are in middle road right now. Both in same house and both attending relate (so are both trying) but not able to be close or move forward. You are half way there, it could be a lot worse. I actually kicked my husband out for about 8 months as couldn't even bear to look at him. I just know it will break and you will be fine, is not nice getting there but you will and then it will be even more wonderful than you could have imagined becasue you willhave walked the road together. xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigsknacker Posted January 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hello. I'm glad my little ramble helped. I'm alsways worried that I sound like I'm preaching at people and I'm not. It is a difficult situation. I said to my hubbie it feels like we both need so much and there is not enough giving to go round. We spent years trying to pull what we needed from each other and it was not until we realised what we were doing that we learnt to accept what was happening and talked ways to get through it. Sounds like you are in middle road right now. Both in same house and both attending relate (so are both trying) but not able to be close or move forward. You are half way there, it could be a lot worse. I actually kicked my husband out for about 8 months as couldn't even bear to look at him. I just know it will break and you will be fine, is not nice getting there but you will and then it will be even more wonderful than you could have imagined becasue you willhave walked the road together. xxxxxxThank you so much Roses!!!!! You have given me so much hope and focus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 I'm really glad I have. If u wanna talk I'm here. If u do'nt thats cool just let me know you are ok now and then on the boards. Lots of love xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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