A Classic Meltdown

[jenga]

Yesterday I fell apart more than I have in a really long time. I'm guessing that it is because i have been feeling really lost lately, having lost a job, and not knowing what to do next etc..Too much time to think,k once again.

I woke up in a really bad mood, and almost immediately began complaining and criticizing my husband about everything. It QUICKLY progressed into a really nasty scene with me swearing and screaming at the top of my lungs for a long time.. ranting about every detail of our lives, the past, my losses, etc.. I could not stop it.. in fact it escalated into me throwing myself on the floor. No one would have believed that it was me, except my husband of course. I swore and i threw things and told him how much I hated him, and that all I wanted was to be put in a room and heavily medicated and just left alone. A very ugly scene.

Now, what I was hoping for was that I would get the appropriate response from him. You know, I expected him to just ignore the words I was using and just help me feel better, and see that I was in crisis and know that I just need some reassurance and hugs etc..

Well, of course what I got back was "How do you expect that I can help you when you stand there screaming at me, full of anger and hate, telling me you don't love me etc..?"( Well, I expected that because I have told him in the past that he needs to see past what I am doing, understand where it is coming from, and help me anyway.)

So of course it got worse, and this went on until I was so completely emotionally and physically exhausted and collapsed on my bed. I felt like I need to get it out, and I also felt that unless I am in crisis like that, I never get noticed or get what I need. I can use polite words, and express how I feel until I am blue n the face with him, but until I REALLY lose it it doesn't seem like I get my point across.

So I have been thinking about this whole thing now, and can put it in more perspective than I have in the past:

What i was really saying is this: I know that I was out of control and mean etc.., but to me- unconditional love and acceptance means you look past that. What I was trying to prove to myself, I guess, is that when I ask for what I need, I never get it. That I am not deserving enough to be validated for just who I am at the time. In other words, UNLESS I do the things the "RIGHT " way, I am wrong. So I got crazy, did not ask for help appropriately, and validated for myself that I don't deserve to be taken seriously or validated. In other words, I got what I asked for, what I "deserved" . I confirmed all my fears. So.. would you think I'd feel better then?

No.. then comes the guilt. Why couldn't I try better ways to get what I needed and express myself? Lots of self-blame, anger, guilt, and remorse. WHy did I let this shit get the better of me again, when I should know better? Why couldn't I stop in in the middle. And why oh why, after all of these years, do i STILL need to fall apart like this, and make myself feel worse, and punish myself??

I do not do this as much as when I was younger, but I can tell you, the pain I felt yesterday, the hurt and anger and shame and guilt and total loss of control was as intense and real for me as ever. I DO believe things have gotten better in many ways, but what this also confirms to me is just how DEEPLY rooted and ingrained this stuff is. I was a little girl screaming out just like I did when I was a kid. "Oh, she's so emotional...look, ANOTHER tantrum!"

Well, do you suppose that just MAYBE I was having a tantrum because it was the only way I could get anyone to pay attention???????? I was a kid.. that was all supposed to be unconditional, right? So now, here I am, a 48 year old kid, screaming for something.. a need to feel like I am okay, yet I do it in a way to prove that i don't deserve it after all. Back in that comfort zone of loneliness.

I never got what I needed, and I grew up thinking it was all my fault, that I should just KNOW what to do. There I was, a little kid, with no one to regulate things for me, no one to help me see or understand or get what I needed, or prove to me that I was okay, so I questioned everything and cannot trust anything I say or feel. I never learned the positive skills that it takes.

I KNOW there are things to learn from this. Some coping skills for impulse control, some learning to ask for and get what I need in more productive ways etc. I need to shorten the duration of these things, come out on the other side feeling better, and not worse. It's just that... oh, I don't know, it was just so EASY to fall apart like that, so real. Holding it together for so long in between these episodes is so stressful!

Sorry for going on, and I would be surprised if anyone's still reading. I just needed to write it all out. BTW, I ended up taking an ativan, much later than I should have, and we talked some and got through the day. I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired,. crying and screaming that comes from y our gut, and from inside your heart, is SO exhausting

[jades]

i read it i can totally realate unfotunately i live alone so temper tantrums dont have same effect lol but just the same i throw fits with the family like that and then expect them to come comfort and hold me i hate you dont go kinad thing i can relate go there all the time hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Unclear1]

Hi

I can relate too. With some people until you really go off on one it doesn't really sink in with them how bad you are feeling. I used to throw some awful tantrums but thankfully I have managed to control it a bit. It still happens now and again but I can feel the rage building up more now and I try to escape somewhere to be by myself until it blows over. I used to shout and swear and scream my guts out and totally exhaust myself and still not feel any better. Lately my mood is more low with a tinge of anger. Try not to feel guilty, I know that is easier said than done, you have an illness and you are not a bad person. Hugs.

[Rael]

yep also can relate a lot. i have learned a lot about how and when to control my feelings. but sometimes it just all lets loose, much like you described. and yes ive had the conversation many times with my bf about the best way to react to it, maybe why it happens. but everytime it happens its the same old response from him. not saying its his fault because i know im the one doing it but when you've explained to someone over and over the best way to deal with it, and it still doesnt happen, it does get frustrating.

what i usually get it either 'i forgot' or 'well if you can not do that sometimes why cant you all the time'. and i honestly cant answer the last one (the first is just downright annoying), sometimes it just all gets too much and its like my brain shuts down and reacts the only way it knows how, everything i have taught myself about control just flies out the window.

sometimes i do think that frustration on his part in not being able to take it all away for me contributes to his reactions, but that really doesnt help me at the time and i am still in the stage of feeling terrible after both for the way i was and how he reacted. the coming out of it and yet feeling better is something i hope i will be able to do one day.

sorry ive gone on alot and not really helped. really i just wanted to say i can relate to it a lot and im glad you did get through the day. i hope tomorrow is better for you.

xxx

[AveMaria]

I do the exact same thing; I am sorry you also feel that way. Does you husband know that sometimes when you do that you really want proof that he loves you no matter what? Once I explained that to my bf it helped him realize that I have trouble actually believing anyone would love me and I will probably always do things to push him away, even if I really want him to let me know how much he loves me...

xxx

[AveMaria]

I do the exact same thing; I am sorry you also feel that way. Does you husband know that sometimes when you do that you really want proof that he loves you no matter what? Once I explained that to my bf it helped him realize that I have trouble actually believing anyone would love me and I will probably always do things to push him away, even if I really want him to let me know how much he loves me.

xxx

[jenga]

Thanks to all of you who gave me such nice and thoughtful replies. I do know that I am not easy to deal with, and I think my husband does know these things, but part of him just wants to deny that it's all there. And, as much as I remind him of what I am going through, and what I need, I don't think he really gets it.

It kind of pisses me off, because once the "scene" is over, nothing changes. He acts like nothing is wrong- like it was just a quick mood shift for me. Last night he was annoyed when I brought it up, and told him that I was acting our because I needed something. It wasn't something to just "get through." I may have been talking to a wall. Mr Sensitivity he is not.

Even though I know I am difficult to live with etc.., I also feel that so much ends up on me. Truthfully, I put up with a lot of his crap as well, and at least I admit to mine, and am trying to get help. I don't know, right now I am just so bored with my life, and this inability to take a step and make it better. We are buried under cold ice and snow. My grown kids are a little "off" right now, and my husband is a boring insensitive jerk. I have no friends, no close family. Getting in a car and driving away seems so appealing to me right now. Or even if he could just drive away for a while, and leave me here alone.

Whine whine... now I am done! I know this too shall pass, thankfully nothing does stay the same forever!

[Ms_nightshade]

Poor you, I totally relate.

I've just had an episode recently, and it's forced me to be more proactive about bpd, learning more about it and what you can do. I've never told anyone this, but when I watch The Exorcist, I actually relate to that little girl. I actually empathise! Not a very flattering or appealing comparsion, but I have read that bpd acting out/ rages/ tantrums can bear similarities to demonic possession... My family and ex boyfriends have often said when I get into a rage, they can't reognise me, and I do find myself screaming things that I really don't mean or certainly don't want to say.

Those rages are so destroying, I've been exhausted for days to follow.

I hope that you are getting some sense of equilibrium back, and that you are feeling better. It's torture losing your job - I've lost all of mine (currently trying to break the pattern with a new job, ha - wish me luck) Try not to beat yourself up, and look after yourself as much as you can - you do deserve it.

And definitely keep posting here - I've only just joined but it's helping me already :-) xxx

[Rael]

yeah mine does the acting as if nothing is wrong, like it didnt happen. he also thinks that because he can forget about it that i should be able to. and also the everything ending up down to me when i know its not. i get the typical your ill so it must be you, conveniently forgetting that he is supposed to be being tested for aspergers (once he bothers to go to the next appointment). denial of lots of things seem to be his forte. and talking to a wall sounds familiar....think i may have another, hey, if there another two of us we could have our own house!!!

do hope it passes.

xxx