A Day In The Life Of.....

[BadBruiser]

This post is a little long.......I kinda wrote this for my GP as when I try to talk to him I become completely lost for words and find it very hard to convey how I'm feeling. I've got a follow up appointment and yet to have a diagnosis, but I suspect BPD

Any comments would be most welcome

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It's 7am. My alarm goes off and I open my eyes. For one brief moment my head is clear, but it doesn't take very long for the pain to creep back. I'm so tired and I press snooze, 1, 2, 3 times........I don't want to get out of bed and face the world, there's nothing out there for me, and a part of me wants to go back to sleep and never wake up. Should I call in sick? The urge is strong, I don't want to get out of bed and face the world! No, my work is one of the things that is holding me together right now. So at the last possible minute I drag myself out of bed and step into the shower.

Already my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. Conversations and situations are replayed, letters are re-read, words are spoken and heard all over again. Memories of the last 30+ years of my life bombard my consciousness relentlessly. But they're not good memories, but memories of childhood pain; the loneliness, the instability, the hurt, the confusion. There's memories of broken promises and lies and disappointment from friends, family and lovers. And there's memories of the things I've done, the things I regret. The memories are so vivid and they feel real, as does all the pain and hurt associated with them. I turn the temperature of the shower up, hotter and hotter, the sting of the hot water on my skin dragging me back to reality, the physical pain temporarily overcoming the emotional pain. I wash and stand under the scalding water for several minutes, allowing it to let me feel human. Reluctantly, I step out of the shower. As I look in the mirror I see my eyes. A lot of people have said that I have kind eyes. I see eyes that look tired and that convey the pain within me and are screaming out for help..........You can tell so much from someones eyes.

I must have coffee before I leave the house, so downstairs for a coffee and a cigarette. I flick on the TV and check out the morning news. Just as every other day, there's stories of murder, rape, war, corruption, greed....I have no faith in humanity anyway, and my lack of faith is reinforced by what I see. The world really is a miserable place!! My mind still races, I don't want to go out of the house and face the world. There's nothing out there for me!! My mind races and I'm anxious. I find my weed and roll one to walk to work with. It'll slow my mind down. A tear rolls down my cheek as I leave for work. Another day in my miserable existence commences. I'm sick of just existing, of feeling like an empty shell of a human being drifting by from day to day. I want to live life and feel alive!!

It's a 20 minute walk to work. The joint has taken the edge off. It's a slow walk, I do everything slower at the moment. I listen to my MP3 as I walk, my music is important to me. I express my emotions through what I listen to. Unfortunately, there are so many tracks that hold associations to people and events from my past, but my music is important to me. Particular songs can really get me down and trigger an emotional downturn, and I try to avoid them, but some are my favorite songs and artists. Damn my mind and it's associations and memories!! Alot of the time I will arrive at work without realising that I've walked there, I've lost myself in my music and that is good. Or is it? How can I walk for 20 minutes and not remember any of the walk??

Work is important to me, it's one of the few things keeping me together right now. I have quite a responsible job, and on the whole, I feel valued. There is nobody that I work with that I associate with on a personal level, but at least I'm around people and I can interact and feel valued. I've always been very good at whatever I do without ever having to put in too much effort, which is good because I find it so hard to get enthused about anything. On the whole, work takes my mind off things for good periods of time. On a good day I can go 3-4 hours with no negative thoughts. But no matter what, I can always feel it lurking there, just waiting to strike without warning. And at times it does; I've found myself having to lock myself in the toilet at work and cry. Lunchtimes are hard. I don't have friends at work, and the hour I get for lunch is spent feeling lonely and upset. Other times I will go for a walk and just completely switch off and not remember the hour at all, other times I will walk the 20 minutes home and back just to go smoke a spliff. I'm doing the bare minimum required right now, I have no ambition, no desire for promotion.

5 o'clock arrives. 20 minutes to walk home, 20 minutes to work myself up into a frenzy with thoughts of going home to a cold empty home, of another long night alone, another night trapped with just myself and my racing mind. By the time I get home I have worked myself into such a frenzy and I break down the second I'm in the sanctity of my house. This is always the worst part of my day. I feel so close to the edge, like I'm going to break down and lose it any moment. I try to rationalise with myself, I fail. I'm sobbing. I'm shaking, I'm scared. I feel pathetic. What's wrong with me? I must be a bad person because everyone abandons me eventually. I've failed at every relationship I've been in. I've pushed people away from me until they abandon me. I'm so lonely but it's all my own fault. What's wrong with me? I need someone to hug me and tell me they love me. There's nobody here because I've pushed them all away. I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable, and it's my fault because I push them all away. I'm angry, angry at everyone who has ever let me down, but I'm more angry at myself for pushing them away. I'm angry at the world and I'm angry at myself for being so angry about everything. Aaaah!! My head is going to explode. I want to scream!!!!.....I roll a spliff to take the edge off, then I roll another......

The evening wears on. My house is a mess and dishes are stacked up, but I have no motivation or energy whatsoever. I'm hungry, but have no motivation to cook or even eat. My mind still races, but the weed has taken the edge off. I pace from room to room and back again, sometimes for up to an hour, another hour that disappears from my memory. I eat junk and smoke more weed. I'm unsettled. I want to watch TV or a film, but I haven't got the attention span at the moment. I'm restless and my mind races still. I'm lonely and I crave company. Dave might be in next door, I have nobody else. None of my friends call me or invite me out anymore because I pushed them away in pursuit of love. Twice I've done to them. They forgave me the first time, but are reluctant to this time. But I can't blame them, I pushed them away in pursuit of love. But I've ended up with nothing but a broken heart on both occasions, and with no friends this time. But it's my fault because I pushed them all away. Why did I push them away? They were great friends and great girls.....

It's late again and I drag myself to bed, another day gone by in my miserable existence. I'm glad for sleep, I never dream and it's a peaceful time. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and face the world, there's nothing out there for me......

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So that's a typical day in my existence. I say existence because I don't feel alive at all.

So here's how I see myself:

I'm intelligent, but a perennial underachiever

I have severe depressive symptoms

I have low self esteem

I don't love myself

I feel a failure

I have abandonment issues

I feel incomplete without a partner

I fall in love too easily

I need the validation of others, especially a partner

My behaviour pushes others away

I have anger issues, but am not violent

My emotional responses to situations can be completely inappropriate

I have trust issues

I self medicate with marijuana on a daily basis

I use cocaine, MDMA, ketamine, psychadelics, amphetamine, but have no addictions

I binge drink

I have disocciative episodes

I'm extremely impulsive and usually act before thinking out the consequences

I feel very alone and very low at the moment and some of my thoughts scare me

If you've managed to make it this far, thank you. Any thoughts, comments, advice would be most welcome

Thanks

BB

[profound1]

Hi,

I am not good at giving advice or tips because of my own problems and being unable to 'deal' with myself I feel a hypocrit but thanks for sharing a day in your life. I can relate to some of your feelings and am glad that you are able to hold down your job and at least have that to cling onto. It is also good that you have been able to communicate this with your Doctor. I hope that you get the help you deserve.

Take care

[amanda25]

hi

i did manage to read all of your post i kind of got lost in your post alot of the things you describe i feel too i was diagnosed with bpd 5 years ago

i also tend to self medicate when i feel really bad although its a lot worse than weed i dont know what i want to say to you i just felt i had to reply to you this might sound corny lol but i feel your pain and its not a very nice pain but then again what pain is

xxxxxamanda

[Rael]

well done for writing this down for your doctor, that was how i finally managed to get things across to my doctor and it has helped him understand things a little better. i can relate to much of it and im sorry you feel this way. sorry i dont have any advice but i hope that your doctor is able to help you get support and the right treatment.

glad you have come here as i know many people will be able to relate to your feelings and sometimes its nice to just feel less alone with things.

xxx

[BadBruiser]

Thanks to those who took the trouble to read and reply to my post. Although I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my own worst enemy, it is reassuring to realise that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

When I was writing the post I felt embarrassed and kinda pathetic. It's kinda like I'm attention seeking or something.

Going back to the docs this week with what I wrote down, and I hope it makes him realise exactly what I'm going through. When I mentioned to him that I thought I might be BPD, he initially brushed it off saying that he doesn't believe that I am. This was after talking to him for just 5 minutes!!

I just wanna know what's going on with me and why I'm feeling like this all the time.......

[Rael]

he may have brushed it off to try and reassure you. although i know you wish to know whats going on a lot of doctors are reluctant to say someone is BPD because it seriously affects the kind of treatment you would get. it could take time for them to go through things and come up with a diagnosis, the best thing for now would be to see if there are any specific symptoms that the doctor can help with, other than that better be referred to a psychiatrist for an actual diagnosis. better for you in long run if doc does it properly, him putting suspected BPD, or in fact writing BPD anywhere on your notes could colour the opinions of other professionals. you are doing the right thing by writing it down and try not to get too frustrated if things seem to be going slow.

(btw i always think that attention seeking sounds like a bad thing but we all do it, we all need to reach out to people and in that sense we are seeking their attention, but it doesnt have to be in a negative way, that just seems to be the meaning that's attached to it, seems to be considered a bad thing but i and most people here wouldnt think it necessarily is)

xxx