Hi, New With Borderline Partner...help!

[Positive1]

Hi Everyone,

This is the first time I have been on a forum site so not sure what to expect. Here's the history....I met someone very special last summer...he is loving, caring, intelligent and very special to me. After several weeks of lovely texts and times together...he told me that he wanted to finish the relationship on the grounds that he just wasn't ready for one. He told me in a very heartfelt email that he was a recovering alcoholic and his emotions were all over the place and didn't want to hurt me. I sent him a supportive reply and we continued to see each other, more so as friends, but with a few kisses and cuddles. He has told me he had been treated for depression. He has very low self esteem and blows hot and cold all the time. Just before Christmas he started to drink again and in a moment of despair resigned from his job. On Christmas day I received a torrent of text abuse from him, he couldn't believe that he has some very special qualities and my feelings for him. This was followed by suicide threats. We have since talked and he told me of his problems and has sought treatment only to be told he is just an alcoholic. He lives a very isolated life, and has cut himself off from his family to prevent hurting them any further. I have searched the web and read a number of books on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder and I believe he has more than 5 of the 9 definitions.

The last few weeks have been bliss, we have become closer and life has been the best....until this week-end and suddenly he is not returning my texts etc. He doesn't know that I have been reading up on the subject and doubt he has ever heard of BPD. So where do I go from here? I desparately want to tell him about this and to support him in the hope that some of his pain can be relieved... but I don't know how to go about this. All I know is that his pain and emotional turmoil are tearing him (and me) apart.

Any suggestions? PLEASE......does any of the above make sense to someone?

xxxxxx

[Rael]

hello and

its great that you are looking to support and help him. i can relate to some of the things you say are going on but obviously reasons for doing things can different for everyone. the best thing for him to do is persist with the doctor, tell them he wants to be referred to see a mental health team so they can properly assess him. it can be difficult to get them to see there is a problem especially if there is or has been a problem with alcohol they do tend to try and dismiss it as just that. people with difficulties often turn to alcohol to deal with problems that are already there and its just persistence to try and get them to see that there is a deeper rooted problem.

only he can do this really, best thing i can say is encourage him to seek help again and be firm about wanting to be referred. you cant take the feelings away for him but you can let him know you are and will be there for him through this

xxx

[Positive1]

hello and

its great that you are looking to support and help him. i can relate to some of the things you say are going on but obviously reasons for doing things can different for everyone. the best thing for him to do is persist with the doctor, tell them he wants to be referred to see a mental health team so they can properly assess him. it can be difficult to get them to see there is a problem especially if there is or has been a problem with alcohol they do tend to try and dismiss it as just that. people with difficulties often turn to alcohol to deal with problems that are already there and its just persistence to try and get them to see that there is a deeper rooted problem.

only he can do this really, best thing i can say is encourage him to seek help again and be firm about wanting to be referred. you cant take the feelings away for him but you can let him know you are and will be there for him through this

xxx

[Positive1]

Thank you so much for your reply. He has come such a long way on his own and is taking all measures not to hurt me, although this usually means not contacting me for a while. I do let him know that I am here for him, always and he does come back to me within a few days. He is always thankful for my support.....although when he has been drinking he can be verbally abusive. He has warned and warned me about himself to try to protect me....but hey you cannot help who you love and it doesn't help when friends tell me to stay away. This site is fantastic and just reading some of the other things that people have said is a great comfort. I do hope he can get some help for his sake, it just seems so difficult to get anywhere. BPD seems to be a secret illness....I came across the info quite by accident. To be honest, I have read several books and I have learned alot about myself too. I have suffered from depression in the past and did have an eating disorder. most of which stems from my childhood, which wasn't the best although I know many people have suffered a lot worse. I guess to a degree I understand him and can empathise, we have more in common than I ever realised.

So nice to talk to you

xxx

[Rael]

great to see you being positive about him and although not good that you have endured problems yourself it does help when our partner can empathise with whats going on, any questions or anything we can help with let us know

xxx

[Shellybelly]

hello and welcome to site. your bf is a lucky man having someone as supportive as you in his life and im sure he appreciates it.

i know i have bpd and go thru phases of pushing my bf away but he is supportive and understands. i hope you find some help

on here i know it a great place and i look forward to seeing you around if you have any question feel free to ask me :hug2:

[Neviah]

hi im new today too

[catspiracy]

Dear Foxc,

My heart is warmed knowing that someone as kind and understanding (and brave, too) is out there, loving a bpd person and trying to help. You have such an open heart and mind, and that really inspires me, renews my faith in people.

Rael gave some great advice. I would like to add that if you can join Al-Anon, that would probably be very helpful. It can really teach you how to keep sane when dealing with a mentally ill or alcoholic loved one. It's important for you to stay extremely clear with yourself about who you are, what your boundaries are, and how not to feed into your boyfriend's dark episodes. Precisely because he IS so charming and loveable when he's feeling good--it's that much easier to get sucked into his reality when he "splits".

I've entered into a very painful time of self-reflection recently where I am confronting my own responsibility for shaping some negative dynamics in my home. It can really make a person feel evil when their emotions are so out of control and their behavior, so compulsive. Feeling evil usually generates more unpleasant actions, and that snowballs until you just want to snuff it or self harm. And when we act on that and abuse ourselves, we feel so much shame that we want to hide under a rock and never never ever come out. The emotions are just so powerful, full-blown fight-or-flight chemicals flood the brain and rational thinking goes out the window, and intense emotional manipulation tactics take over as we struggle to get our needs met. It's terrifying to look at your own face in the mirror when it's contorted in rage or twisted in fear.

Your boyfriend obviously cares a lot about the people he loves, as shown by the way he removes himself in order to protect them. He is very lucky to have a brave woman like you who is willing to learn how to brave his storms and give him that love and acceptance that he is starving for. The very best thing you can do for him is to take really good care of yourself. You need to be at the top of your health so that you can hold him tight and say it's ok, I love you, this will pass--WHILE he's telling you hateful things! And to coax him when the love of life leaves his eyes, to still enjoy a tasty meal or move his body in bliss dancing with you.

Best wishes and WELCOME!

love and light,

catspiracy

[Positive1]

Dear Foxc,

My heart is warmed knowing that someone as kind and understanding (and brave, too) is out there, loving a bpd person and trying to help. You have such an open heart and mind, and that really inspires me, renews my faith in people.

Rael gave some great advice. I would like to add that if you can join Al-Anon, that would probably be very helpful. It can really teach you how to keep sane when dealing with a mentally ill or alcoholic loved one. It's important for you to stay extremely clear with yourself about who you are, what your boundaries are, and how not to feed into your boyfriend's dark episodes. Precisely because he IS so charming and loveable when he's feeling good--it's that much easier to get sucked into his reality when he "splits".

I've entered into a very painful time of self-reflection recently where I am confronting my own responsibility for shaping some negative dynamics in my home. It can really make a person feel evil when their emotions are so out of control and their behavior, so compulsive. Feeling evil usually generates more unpleasant actions, and that snowballs until you just want to snuff it or self harm. And when we act on that and abuse ourselves, we feel so much shame that we want to hide under a rock and never never ever come out. The emotions are just so powerful, full-blown fight-or-flight chemicals flood the brain and rational thinking goes out the window, and intense emotional manipulation tactics take over as we struggle to get our needs met. It's terrifying to look at your own face in the mirror when it's contorted in rage or twisted in fear.

Your boyfriend obviously cares a lot about the people he loves, as shown by the way he removes himself in order to protect them. He is very lucky to have a brave woman like you who is willing to learn how to brave his storms and give him that love and acceptance that he is starving for. The very best thing you can do for him is to take really good care of yourself. You need to be at the top of your health so that you can hold him tight and say it's ok, I love you, this will pass--WHILE he's telling you hateful things! And to coax him when the love of life leaves his eyes, to still enjoy a tasty meal or move his body in bliss dancing with you.

Best wishes and WELCOME!

love and light,

catspiracy

[Positive1]

Hi Catspiracy,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply, what a wonderful person you are supporting others whilst suffering yourself. You truly are an inspiration.

My BF is going through a very low period at the moment, and you know I find the times that he removes and isolates himself more difficult than those times that he is angry and abusive. I want to give him the space that he needs but I do text him every couple of days just to let him know that I'm thinking of him and here if he needs me. It's at these times I get scared, not knowing what has triggered this (if anything) and what must be going through his mind.

I did call to see him yesterday (at his invitation)...he has beautiful eyes, but they looked so sad, deeply sad. The pain runs deep.

I am still battling with the need to tell him about bpd (as he has not been officially diagnosed), but I'm so scared that he will be offended and think that I am treating him like some research case. It's because and love and care for him and if there is anything that can be offered to help him get more out of life, then surely I would be wrong not to try?

Would love to hear from you again

xxxxx

[daisy duck]

Its so nice to see someone who loves and cares for someone so much.

your oviously a lovely person.

welcome to the site

xxxx

[jean 12]

Hi Everyone,

This is the first time I have been on a forum site so not sure what to expect. Here's the history....I met someone very special last summer...he is loving, caring, intelligent and very special to me. After several weeks of lovely texts and times together...he told me that he wanted to finish the relationship on the grounds that he just wasn't ready for one. He told me in a very heartfelt email that he was a recovering alcoholic and his emotions were all over the place and didn't want to hurt me. I sent him a supportive reply and we continued to see each other, more so as friends, but with a few kisses and cuddles. He has told me he had been treated for depression. He has very low self esteem and blows hot and cold all the time. Just before Christmas he started to drink again and in a moment of despair resigned from his job. On Christmas day I received a torrent of text abuse from him, he couldn't believe that he has some very special qualities and my feelings for him. This was followed by suicide threats. We have since talked and he told me of his problems and has sought treatment only to be told he is just an alcoholic. He lives a very isolated life, and has cut himself off from his family to prevent hurting them any further. I have searched the web and read a number of books on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder and I believe he has more than 5 of the 9 definitions.

The last few weeks have been bliss, we have become closer and life has been the best....until this week-end and suddenly he is not returning my texts etc. He doesn't know that I have been reading up on the subject and doubt he has ever heard of BPD. So where do I go from here? I desparately want to tell him about this and to support him in the hope that some of his pain can be relieved... but I don't know how to go about this. All I know is that his pain and emotional turmoil are tearing him (and me) apart.

Any suggestions? PLEASE......does any of the above make sense to someone?

xxxxxx

Hi

I met my boyfriend last May, and the first 6 months were great, then well if you read my posts you will see that I have had a really difficult time. He was diagnosed with BPD when he was 14. He has told me all about it ( once!) but he really doesn't like to discuss it now! The fact that he knows about it doesnt make it any easier to talk about it, I am very new to all this, but as far as I can see ( and this can only be from the experiences I have had with my boyfriend) the 'news ' that you suspect that he has BPD may not be welcome coming from you. If you can get him to get a diagnosis from a professional it may cause less resentments in your relationship. Of course your boyfriend may react completely differently. I too have read several of the books and searched the web, and made great use of this chat room, but have come to the conclusion that the BPD is his to deal with, that may sound harsh, its not meant to, I just mean there is little I can do about it. I can be supportive, try to understand, try to establish a real trust ( which is hard) but I think a lot of the time he just wants me to treat him like everybody else. I have found it very useful recently not to completely focus on him, and to decide what I want out of the relationship, and what behaviour Is acceptable behaviour, and what isnt . This is suprisingly working very well ( at the moment) and has made life a little easier for me, hope this helps, don't loose sight of your own needs

x

[Positive1]

Hi Everyone,

This is the first time I have been on a forum site so not sure what to expect. Here's the history....I met someone very special last summer...he is loving, caring, intelligent and very special to me. After several weeks of lovely texts and times together...he told me that he wanted to finish the relationship on the grounds that he just wasn't ready for one. He told me in a very heartfelt email that he was a recovering alcoholic and his emotions were all over the place and didn't want to hurt me. I sent him a supportive reply and we continued to see each other, more so as friends, but with a few kisses and cuddles. He has told me he had been treated for depression. He has very low self esteem and blows hot and cold all the time. Just before Christmas he started to drink again and in a moment of despair resigned from his job. On Christmas day I received a torrent of text abuse from him, he couldn't believe that he has some very special qualities and my feelings for him. This was followed by suicide threats. We have since talked and he told me of his problems and has sought treatment only to be told he is just an alcoholic. He lives a very isolated life, and has cut himself off from his family to prevent hurting them any further. I have searched the web and read a number of books on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder and I believe he has more than 5 of the 9 definitions.

The last few weeks have been bliss, we have become closer and life has been the best....until this week-end and suddenly he is not returning my texts etc. He doesn't know that I have been reading up on the subject and doubt he has ever heard of BPD. So where do I go from here? I desparately want to tell him about this and to support him in the hope that some of his pain can be relieved... but I don't know how to go about this. All I know is that his pain and emotional turmoil are tearing him (and me) apart.

Any suggestions? PLEASE......does any of the above make sense to someone?

xxxxxx

Hi

I met my boyfriend last May, and the first 6 months were great, then well if you read my posts you will see that I have had a really difficult time. He was diagnosed with BPD when he was 14. He has told me all about it ( once!) but he really doesn't like to discuss it now! The fact that he knows about it doesnt make it any easier to talk about it, I am very new to all this, but as far as I can see ( and this can only be from the experiences I have had with my boyfriend) the 'news ' that you suspect that he has BPD may not be welcome coming from you. If you can get him to get a diagnosis from a professional it may cause less resentments in your relationship. Of course your boyfriend may react completely differently. I too have read several of the books and searched the web, and made great use of this chat room, but have come to the conclusion that the BPD is his to deal with, that may sound harsh, its not meant to, I just mean there is little I can do about it. I can be supportive, try to understand, try to establish a real trust ( which is hard) but I think a lot of the time he just wants me to treat him like everybody else. I have found it very useful recently not to completely focus on him, and to decide what I want out of the relationship, and what behaviour Is acceptable behaviour, and what isnt . This is suprisingly working very well ( at the moment) and has made life a little easier for me, hope this helps, don't loose sight of your own needs

x

[Positive1]

Hi Jean,

Thank you for your reply, that really is great advise and it is nice and very positive to hear that your relationship is working out, for both of you.

Thanks again

xxx

[daisy duck]

Did you get to speak to your bf?

xxxx

[Positive1]

Did you get to speak to your bf?

xxxx

Hi Daisy, no I didn't. I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. He was feeling very low then, I guess he has been drinking and needs some time alone. These times are difficult for me too.

How are you?

xxxx

[daisy duck]

It must be so hard for you....you oviously love him a lot but take care of you aswell...you have needs.

Im good today thankyou....and thanks for your lovely comments on my poems

xxxx

[Positive1]

It must be so hard for you....you oviously love him a lot but take care of you aswell...you have needs.

Im good today thankyou....and thanks for your lovely comments on my poems

xxxx

It is hard Daisy and not a minute goes by that I don't think about him - it is harder for him though - I am able to talk to my friends, he has completed isolated himself.

Glad you are feeling good....and your poems - they are so moving and written from the heart. Beautiful xxxx

[daisy duck]

Have you spoken to him?Does he push you away or accept your help?

I do hope it works out...keep us posted.

xxxxxx

[Positive1]

Have you spoken to him?Does he push you away or accept your help?

I do hope it works out...keep us posted.

xxxxxx

No I haven't, he hasn't been in touch since Tuesday when I saw him. I have text just to say that I am here if he needs me and sent lots of love and hugs, but nothing! When he is ready he will be in touch and he usually thanks me for being there for him. I know he is going through a low period and is very likely to be drinking too. When he is feeling ok, he does talk to me about how he has felt....but I just wish he would text me even if it's to say he needs space and to leave him alone for a while. Sometimes it feels as though he has forgotten me

Will let you know how it goes

Have a fab week-end

xxxxxx

[daisy duck]

Thank you...i'll try.

He's luck to have you there for him...i do hope he is getting help from a therapist or doctor too.

xxxx

[Positive1]

Thank you...i'll try.

He's luck to have you there for him...i do hope he is getting help from a therapist or doctor too.

xxxx

No he isn't! He has just been told that he is an alcoholic. He has been for counselling to help with his depression and has tried hypnotherapy. I don't think he is being helped for the right thing. I haven't talked to him about bpd, I don't know how to and I'm scared of hurting him. What has helped you?

xxxxxx

[daisy duck]

I have had CBT and also hypnotherapy and couselling to come to terms with things in the past.

I do hope he seeks help for his alcohlism as is can destroy people and won't help with his depression at all.

If he can take that first step to seek help then he can see what works for him.Make sure you have support also

xxx

[Positive1]

I have had CBT and also hypnotherapy and couselling to come to terms with things in the past.

I do hope he seeks help for his alcohlism as is can destroy people and won't help with his depression at all.

If he can take that first step to seek help then he can see what works for him.Make sure you have support also

xxx

Thank you Daisy, that's really helpful.

You take care

xxxx