Rain, The Member You Don't Care About

[rain]

I just can't stand BPD people anymore. Around them all day in hospital and if I check back on here I get a blank nothing at all in terms of support. I guess they are self-absorbed.

I don't care to people please or act in a way some BPD person wants.

It is hard to have no human kindness. Just bitter cunts here and in this community with my 1+ years nobody gives a shit. I guess I don't moan continously about my life or play a part.

I just want to express my fucking anger at the illusions a few on here cared. Only about your negative own world it seems. Fuck it.

[yorkiegal73]

Rain.

To be fair, this isn't the first time you've posted like this. You seem to turn up every so often and post how no one cares about you here. But that's not true. You do get responses to your posts. How often do you respond to other's?

And, yes, a lot of us are self absorbed. It's part of the condition. You know that. So calling us names isn't nice.

I'm guessing that you're finding it hard at the hospital right now. I was at a therapeutic community for a year and people pissed me off all the time. Eventually I came to learn that when someone triggered these feelings in me it was usually because I recognised them in myself. I hope you're able to stick with it, because you're obviously hurting. Is there anywhere you can go to have a bit of alone time when the others get to you? Like your room? I can't remember if you said you had a room mate.

oh and you've had several replies to your recent posts. What's the problem? Is every forum member meant to reply to you? Is there a minimum number of replies before you consider yourself to be ignored? Please let us know how many is acceptable.

[Faerielight]

rain im sorry but i dont think thats fair ive tried to respond to most of your posts as best i can we're all ill here and we do the best we can and i take this post a bit personally to be honest.. not everyone replies to my posts and i dont expect them to

and if you post derogatory stuff like this up about people with bpd i really dont think youre gona get many compassionate replies

[Roses]

I think it's easy to feel no-one cares when you are really low but lots of peopl have responded to you and I have only noticed you respond to someone else once over past few weeks. So maybe people in greenhouses shouldn't throw stones!! I personally, don't respond to you much as I find your language offensive and un-necessary. There are so many wonderful words to use yet you seem to gravitate to gutter language.

[i_m_yours]

You should be happy to get any response, because you are offending people here calling them "cunts" etc.

You aren't on your way to recovery yet, obviously, because you arent aware you are devaluationg posters here.

Anyway, I find your topic so rood, I will not read your posts any more.

[catspiracy]

Rain, you have a Jung quote on your sig so somewhere inside you realize that we are all in this together. Sometimes I feel like you, I hate everyone especially people that remind me of how crappy I have been or might have been. An autistic genius lady (can't remember her name) created a hugging machine for herself so that she could get that comforting feel of swaddling minus the unbearable pressure of human contact. Let me send you a faceless squeeze from across cyberspace so that you know that even if you call me a cunt, I am still an inescapable part of the love web and you're gonna get some affection from me whether you know/like it or not!

[Shellybelly]

rain if writhing this is meant to make people like you more. or meant to get a response and people to love you

then im afraid it not going to work so your having a bad day dont take it out on us. and you dont respond to other

so why expect them to respond to you. if you dont like people with bpd then dont hang out on a BPDWORLD site

simple as that. :)

[hummm_mabbe]

Ive seen your other posts where you say no one rings or emails or visits you. That must mean that your family are not paying attention to you.

The anger really should be directed at them, but because we are internet people without faces, its easier to call us cunts than the people that are TRULY neglecting and abandoning you, and probably always have. Maybe if they changed their ways, perhaps because you were able to tell them what you think of them (cunts, maybe?) then you wouldnt feel that online is the only place where you can get all these feelings out.

If you were being visited by your mum, or dad, or a sibling, or a friend - who understood and wanted to support you, would you be forced to rely on a disparate internet group of mentally ill people, who feel equally unwanted and lost, and perhaps also so unworthy that even seeking out others company is hard? Perhaps thats why they dont contact you - because they are shy and feeling worthless too. I think if you direct all the anger at the ones who actually deserve it - your family, because they have done this to you all along, then you might find it easier to get the kind of contact you need here.

But no, if you call me a cunt I dont want to help or support you. By trying to get us to feel guilty or ashamed so that we pay you attention, youve actually reinforced the negative situation you were already in. The life story of BPD, yes. Feeling that we can never have what we want and need, and being forced into extreme, but ultimately self-defeating ways. The more we struggle and try to force people into giving us what we want, the more they back away.

Ive just been through the threads you started, by going to your profile. It seems all the recent ones have responses, so I just cant see how you think you are ignored - however I also know that sensation that "nothing is ever enough" - no matter how much I get, it doesnt seem to shift that horrible, painful hole. If you post in someone elses thread, its more likely you will get overlooked - but as far as I can see the ones you began got replies. Even the ones where you were attacking other people.

Perhaps even these replies, though negative, are better than simply feeling invisible? You have learned from the past somehow that if you shout and scream, and make others feel ashamed or guilty, that they pay attention to you. Its not the type of attention you want, but nonetheless, this thread HAS made people take notice. That is a reward in itself and its why you keep doing it, because unrewarded behaviours do not continue. The problem is the reward is also a punishment, it keeps you feeling unwanted and more importantly, stops people wanting to reply at all. It is the way that you keep the loop going, the same one thats been repeating all your life. We all have our loops - this is one of yours.

Your past never taught you how to get what you need in a healthy way - it just denied you what you needed, and so you were forced to fight for them. It doesnt work for you, but its impoissible to give it up until you have something healthy to replace it. That is what therapy should be doing for you, and perhaps it is not. However, that is not BPD Worlds fault. I know you feel forced into this, like its the only option you have open to you. That is something I can relate to, because its how I treat my therapist sometimes. What I am trying to get is a sense of understanding, the feeling that its ok for me to feel sad, the sense that someone is there for me, but what I end up doing is being critical and so actually pushing her away. Even though I am trying to get what I need emotionally, the method I use actually accomplishes the opposite. But I dont KNOW what else to do - and that is why I do it out of desperation. When I do it, I am FEELING desperate and so cannot see I am appearing critical, and so when someone tells me I am being obnoxious I feel even worse, like I have been totally misunderstood, and this reinforced the sense of being alone. How can I be obnoxious if Im actually feeling desperate? Yet to others, thats how Im appearing. You are feeling desperate, but to others you are appearing very unpleasant. When we attack you for it, as people will do if you call them cunts, it probably feels even more like you are being deliberately hated and ignored. It gels wih the message that you think you are 'bad' or evil.

But you are not bad for feeling this way - you and I do it because we are desperate. But the methods we are using do not work, and will never work, and the world is not going to suddenly change just for us, no matter how much we hurt. Thats why we have to learn new ways of getting what we need - ones that do not make people attack and reject us.

[Faerielight]

you hardly ever respond to my posts and if u do its usually curt and blunt.

Calling us cunts is abusive,

I won't be answering any of your posts in the future.

[hummm_mabbe]

In a way, I wish that what happened in therapy to me the other day, would happen here for Rain.

My therapist pointed out that I come across as critical sometimes. Other have called it arrogance, and when I hear it, it cuts very deep. My T called it criticality, and the same thing happened - I felt wretched. Like she had seen the centre of my blackest core - the part I always fear will be seen. She made it clear that she did not want to experience it, she set a limit on it - a healthy boundary. It made me feel awful, like I had sinned a terrible sin.

But at the end of the session, she said "I realise that you were trying to say something else, something much deeper and harder, and that it came out that way. I know you feel like I have now seen that awful part of you, but I want you to know that I dont feel that way, and I want to see you again".

I felt accepted, even in the face of my wprst flaws. I have been able to accept, without punishing myself, that I can come across critical and not realise it, because at the time I am feeling deserate. It has made me want to uderstand why i do that, and to find new ways of being.

I dont think that anyone has to accept being called names like that, but I do wish that what happened for me could happen for Rain. I wish it could happen for everyone - it just seems that right now is that opportunity - but it would need Rain to see how this has happened without punishing herself, and it would take us to see why she has done it. We do not have to like it, not at all, but we can try to see what drove it. We can also ask her that next time she try a different approach - we can even suggest things she might do differently. We can all learn from that, and it helps us be the community that I think all of us would like BPDW to be.

We dont have to like it or take it, and its right o stand up against that kind of treatment, to draw boundaries - but we can also accept what drives it with a view to helping change it whilst setting limits. If we feel insulted, we can say so and refuse to accept it. No one HAS to do this and I would totally understand if you couldnt, but I think that if everyone could be treated this way when we do things out of desperation, but that hurt others, then people might start to feel something change. I think its what deep down we are all needing - the acceptance of that darkest part of us, which really only exists to cover an enormous hole.

If folks are feeling too angry though, then that is perfectly understandable.

[Rael]

hun you have my email and if you pm me i will always reply when i come on. when i get in from work im generally trying to read through the whole forum and do as much as i can (with trying to get sleeping patterns vaguely resembling normal thats a huge task). not sending a pm doesnt mean i dont care, and i sent an email but got no response and it did have something in it that (however tacky) i did spend quite a while thinking about and doing. i do have a lot going on and i can remind myself as much as i like but chances are im gonna forget but it doesnt mean i dont care, if i didnt care then that post wouldnt have hurt so much because i could have dismissed it. in the end i hope that if people do need something then they will ask me, yes most of the time i do need telling when people need something

i think hummm mabbe made a lot of sense and its something i sometimes do too. bad attention often feels like its better than no attention and (for me at least) if you dont expect to get good attention then it feels easier not to try and just to call us names which is bound to get a reaction.

im sorry you finding it tough there, i know in hospital it was always a very intense environment and it was hard to deal with.

xxx

[AndyL]

For crying out loud, Rain, if your opening post was written by someone new it would have been removed with the thought that yet another person was here trolling. Frankly, I'm not interested in what cunts we are, or any other kind of attack on the community. Re-read the Terms of Use please, especially the part about respect.

What I am interested in is how you feel. "I" statements such as, "I'm really angry because it feels like I'm not getting enough support here. I'm so alone," are better than name calling. If people sense your vulnerability they will flock to support you. I see it over and over again.

So do try to be a little more respectful of others' feelings.

Thank you,

Andy

[bunnie]

well this forum is a place for people with mental health problems and this part of the forum is for

people with personality disorder so i quess feeling like this is the norm

you use colurfull words to express how you feel and its quite cutting but efective

take care and stay save hope you feel better soon

sorry about english / spelling

i dont post much as i have a hard time explaining what i mean (as i am loopy)

bunnie xxxxxx

[Broken doll]

Hi Rain,

I'm sick of myself too!

So i understand why you are so upset and angry. You are right I am self absorbed and I hate myself for it!!

but it's part of my disorder.

i'm sorry you feel ignored but it is a big site and sometimes I don't look at everyones post coz i am not good at helping people,

I just wanted to let you know that i understand your frustration and I hope things get better for you!

[Elke.]

rain, I dont think its right to be on a site full of Borderliners and condemn them for being Borderline. Maybe your could start a thread about Borderliner and self-absorbtion as a subject.

Would you condemn someone with Tuberculosis for coughing.....

[jades]

i though that was abusive and i never replied to your posts because of your way of talking like people like they are dogs and dont have feelings we all have feelings not just you im sorry u feel so alone but i think u are causing it by your negativity

[wordsmithy]

email me, i like reading your emails. i like you, whether you believe it or not.

i am self-absorbed, having this mental health crap makes it hard for me to see beyond the length of my own arm. but surely you must know this also.

the replies to this post, regretfully hurtful in reply to a possibly hurtful post you have made, is proof that many people here do care to say... whether it is to say something angry in response or something caring.

imo if anything you matter more than most because by some skewed way, that you make yourself, though angrily, available, for people to care about what you have to say.

kid, you need some hugs.

[Marchmadness]

Hey -

Very interesting responses here, and she did get what she needed! Someone to listen.

March

[wordsmithy]

and she needs that, we all do.

[Paris]

yes we all do but the way rain went about it was all wrong and was abusive to this community

[angel tears]

wow, what anger and sadness in this post, , i struggle with bpd daily and sometimes feel like an alien lol but to offend others is so harsh, makes me sad that we are viewed this way

reminds me of feeling abandoned............

[Tammy]

I think people say hurtful things in their times of hurt. I know if my bf is struggling he has called me names and not meant it...I know if I'm struggling I do the same, and dam well mean it at that very second but feel differently after the I love u I hate you wears off. Rain is in hossy...She has no support from family and is struggling. If we can look past the sticks and stones and try our best to support her, I'm sure that would help. Pushing people away is our forte, and I understand that folks like ourselves don't take kindly to any type of negativity or 'disresepect'.

Anyhow, I read what she said, but also know what she is going through, and we always lash out as those closest to us. I think a little understanding goes a long way, It's a support site, even if those targeted are ourselves, we are all capable of forgiveness and tolerance for those, especially when they are in a cruddy situation.

I know she must feel abandoned too, all alone, and just trying to get through day by day. Being young and alone with no future or relief in sight, I know has driven me to the worst times in my life and I know I wasn't Miss pleasant at all times...We all show our frustration in different ways, and sometimes, as you can see, sometimes we don't do it wisely, and are fast to jump to blame others.

I know there is the other side also, 'how can you call us names etc etc;'and not to justify her actions, but everyones different, we handle things assbackwards at times and everyones makes mistakes. We are all far from perfect and even at times. far from pleasant.

[AndyL]

My point of view is this: when we allow people to get away with inappropriate behavior towards others for one reason or another it sends them a message that it's okay to do that because they're sick, or in pain, or not themselves, etc. That's not compassion, that's enabling. There are plenty of ways to express our pain outside of abusing people. I've already outlined the most effective one I was taught.

And anyway, it's in the Terms. We treat each other with respect. The only reason I didn't close this thing down in the first place is because Rain is a long standing member, not a troll, and clearly in pain, for which I--and everybody else here--have a great deal of empathy. But that doesn't mean she--or anyone else--has the privilege of treating the community as a litter box.

My two cents.

[jenga]

There's always another option as well.

People come to this forum for different reasons, but the bottom line is that each of us can choose which posts to read, and which to respond to.

You can completely ignore a thread, or ignore posts by specific people, if the subject is not relavant or if the person is offensive to you.

[yorkiegal73]

I agree with both Tammy and Andy. I can completely understand that Rain acted on an impulse when she insulted us, and that she is struggling at the moment. I also agree that we would be enabling her if we just said it was ok for her to act like that.

Rain I hope you're ok and that you can read this thread and understand why people are angry. I can be angry at what you said, whilst at the same time be concerned for how you are doing.