What Is Bpd?

[yorkiegal73]

For me, bpd explains all those feelings i had from early childhood. not fitting in. knowing that the way i thought about people and myself was not normal but not knowing why i felt like that. Always that deep seated panicky feeling that wouldn't go away, as if I was about to be caught out. Having to be on my guard all the time. Walking down the street and feeling I wasn't part of the world. Everything was just a bit off centre. Then as I hit puberty, intense anger, then total desolation. Hating and being hated. Wanting to run away from everything because emotions cut like a red hot knife. Going from breakdown to numbness to anger to fear to panic. And then the cycle would repeat itself again and again and again. Never feeling good enough but then often feeling angry when the good parts of me weren't noticed. Always lonely, but always swamped by the people around me.

BPD is not having that filter that makes life manageable.

[catspiracy]

For me, it's as though the core of my being is a black hole. Nothing i build has a foundation. Everyone else's reality is more real than mine. Everyone's opinions are truer. I think of myself as a floating perception that nobody notices or values, unless to make a mockery of. I'm nobody and nothing, people can smell the stink of it on me and there's a V for Victim stamped on my forehead for all to see. I'm just waiting to be abandoned, and prepared to maximize the pain, twist the sword myself.

Or else, I am all-knowing and arrogant-- people who disappoint me are fools, scoundrels, and morons. I wish I could wish them into the cornfield. All of humanity is evil, cursed, predatory, meaningless. Only I can see the man behind the curtain, only I pay attention, and I am going to save the world by sheer force of will. Get out of my way. Love means praise and adoration.

Now there is another voice, gathering strength within me. The Observer. My Spirit Helper is growing strength as I feed him with my faith and patience. Last night--another breakthrough. My husband was doing chakra massage on me last night and I was crying out as the trapped dark energy re-entered the stream to be purged. He found it--the parasitic serpent living parallel to my Kundalini. It is manifested in my body as a ridge of pain and spasming muscles along my right side.

I was labeled Bipolar II, which I do think is valid because of my definite cycles. They are like clockwork. But I label myself BPD because that description best fits my experience. I've met the snake and now I can stand back, assess it, and defeat it. I'm ready.

[wordsmithy]

its being ignored constantly/or thinking i'm being ignored, and not being able to voice it because i know if i do, they'll confirm my feeeeeeeeear by ignoring me because i am so obsessed about it, yah.

[saphyreraine]

For me BPD is like being stuck behind a glass wall...

[LiztheLounger]

being a disgusting human thing/blob but overdoing the likableness so no one will notice. being overly friendly and nice etc.

every move you make is obsessively self-conscious, awkward and disjointed (literally in social settings), like a really bad actor.

you're trying win people over, trying to make them feel good, so they wont get angry with you and upset you.

worrying that people will actually find out, or become consciously aware of how much you need them.

being scared of needing people, and backing off because if they find out you'll repulse them.

OMG that is so it for me too.

I want to add:

Not only trying to make people feel good, but trying to ensure everybody feels good about each other

Avoiding any kind of conflict

Bending over backwards to please others, then feeling neglected and resentful for not receiving as much in return

Assuming people (especially those closest) should be able to read my mind and act accordingly

[Hider]

i often wonder how the definitions of the borderline personality influence one's perceptions of it, and influence the behaviour of those with BPD. and this leads me to a question that has forever bugged me: do we with BPD (or another personality disorder) in some way, unconsciously and unintentionally, become the disordered beings that we are told we are? in short, do we somehow grow into the diagnostic criteria and somehow adopt its characteristics and rituals just because the diagnosis says that someone with BPD should behave and think in particular ways?

[wordsmithy]

being a disgusting human thing/blob but overdoing the likableness so no one will notice. being overly friendly and nice etc.

every move you make is obsessively self-conscious, awkward and disjointed (literally in social settings), like a really bad actor.

you're trying win people over, trying to make them feel good, so they wont get angry with you and upset you.

worrying that people will actually find out, or become consciously aware of how much you need them.

being scared of needing people, and backing off because if they find out you'll repulse them.

OMG that is so it for me too.

I want to add:

Not only trying to make people feel good, but trying to ensure everybody feels good about each other

Avoiding any kind of conflict

Bending over backwards to please others, then feeling neglected and resentful for not receiving as much in return

Assuming people (especially those closest) should be able to read my mind and act accordingly

i agree with most of that.

conflict scares the bejeesus out of me, but i am getting a little better with my group therapy and all.

used to make me self-harm and have other sad and dangerous thoughts because i was so anxious.

[wordsmithy]

i often wonder how the definitions of the borderline personality influence one's perceptions of it, and influence the behaviour of those with BPD. and this leads me to a question that has forever bugged me: do we with BPD (or another personality disorder) in some way, unconsciously and unintentionally, become the disordered beings that we are told we are? in short, do we somehow grow into the diagnostic criteria and somehow adopt its characteristics and rituals just because the diagnosis says that someone with BPD should behave and think in particular ways?

been in group with people who suffer from bpd for over a year and sometimes i feel like i've adapted bpd traits, that i didnt have before i knew of them. i wonder how much of what i think and behave is genuinely me.

but then i wonder whether its bpd thing to do this.? lol shaky identities and all, prone to self-invalidating etc

its possible i have simply become more and more aware of myself. at least that's what the shrinks tell me.

oh...

and sometimes i think that a lot of our personality traits are being pathologised by sufferers and mh professionals... and its not just ok, to be bad at some stuff without turning it into personality disordered traits.

[Jinxsta]

What BPD is to me;

Im always trying to prove something, yet I don't know what im trying to prove.

My emotions go one of two ways, either they're blocked or they go off the scale.

My moods fluctuate like mad, often taking me from zero to hero.

I trust no-one.

I don't seem to know who I am and sometimes where I am or what I am.

I avoid getting myself into a position of possible rejection llike the plague.

I am a constant volcano, ready to erupt.

I crave love and care from another human.

My temper is absolutley vile and very dangerous.

I sabbotage anything good that I do.

I can't except compliments or praise but I love to impress people.

My confidence is very minimal yet most of the time I come accross cock-sure of myself.

If someone shows me love over a period of time, I become dependant on that person to make me feel connected to the human race and will idolize them..... when they leave I fall apart and want to die.

I can never express enough how I feel.

I feel misunderstood

I feel unworthy of love, life and happiness.

I tempt fate deliberetly; walking along the edges of high places with my eyes closed to see if im "meant" to fall, playing real russian roulette and walking through "danger areas in the early hours.

I feel as though im always last on the party list, just to make up the numbers.

Im very immature, and always will be, Peter pan is my idol!

I get scared to be on my own and scared to be around people at the same time (this forum makes up the middle ground for me).

Sometimes I look in the mirror and literally don't reconize myself.

Im always fearful of showing weakness, a glimmer of light through the barriers and people will attack.

And finally I firmly believe that due to the above within 5years I will be dead or in prison (if DBT doesn't work).

XxX

[icu_baby]

As we know, some of these posts can overlap.

I don't think we can actually give a definition of BPD, with either a clinical list or a list of people's experiences. What we are doing is describing some traits, many common and some individual, of BPD.

BPD is a label, and things form these lists may occur more often or not. But so many mental health diagnoses overlap, and can even be stronger at times more than others.

I think it's great that we share our experiences. I'm just saying that if you are someone looking for an exact description to see if you are a "BDP person", then you need to be careful. Because it is so complicated, ultimately what matters most is treating your symptoms.

Hi Jenga, I think what you said is absolutely true. What does matter is treating the symptoms that effects each person as an individual. I feel like bpd is like a catch all diagnosis. Alot of what people are describing is mental anguish as well as symptoms that overlap with other illnesses like the symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness, deep inner pain etc.

The problem I think with the BPD label is that it effects each and every one of us differently as we are all individuals with unique personalities and experiences but it makes mental health professionals to treat and manage us "generically". For example I was in a hospital and nurses made a "strategic executive decision" to move one "borderline" to another ward. I was chosen and when I asked why I was moving to another ward that was more secure I received no answer. Later when the nurse saw I was agitated and having racing thoughts she said that I could have bipolar. She later revealed to me that the reason I was transfered was because there was too much "borderlines" and that they were afraid they would also start cutting together. I was a replused by it all. Suddenly though I think this nurse was fantastic, she had time to listen to me as an individual and what was concerning me. I think that it is useful having a label that would seek to explain to you why things are the way they are for you but when the label comes in the way of professionals concentrating on the symptoms that effect you this is when the label becomes useless.

[Jinxsta]

been in group with people who suffer from bpd for over a year and sometimes i feel like i've adapted bpd traits, that i didnt have before i knew of them. i wonder how much of what i think and behave is genuinely me.

but then i wonder whether its bpd thing to do this.? lol shaky identities and all, prone to self-invalidating etc

its possible i have simply become more and more aware of myself. at least that's what the shrinks tell me.

oh...

and sometimes i think that a lot of our personality traits are being pathologised by sufferers and mh professionals... and its not just ok, to be bad at some stuff without turning it into personality disordered traits.

When I was diagnosed they told me I had 9/9 of the criteria, I think each symptom is different to the individual. When I read the symptoms... I went into like stroppy teenage mode "I don't do that, thats not me" but i've had to learn to accept that it IS me but with accepting it I've occasionally fallen into the trap of "right im upset, ok im BPD so i'll do what im meant to, i'll XXX".....kind of live up to the label........... so 9/9 aint good but like i told the therapist theres always a bright side, its the first test i've ever got 100% in.

XxX

[icu_baby]

i often wonder how the definitions of the borderline personality influence one's perceptions of it, and influence the behaviour of those with BPD. and this leads me to a question that has forever bugged me: do we with BPD (or another personality disorder) in some way, unconsciously and unintentionally, become the disordered beings that we are told we are? in short, do we somehow grow into the diagnostic criteria and somehow adopt its characteristics and rituals just because the diagnosis says that someone with BPD should behave and think in particular ways?

Absolutely, you can actually overidentify with a disorder or label and become that label even more to the point that everything you do or say is explained by that disorder and it consumes you that the symptoms you either didn't have before you start to display or the symptoms you had became intensified even more. Its actually a well noted psychological phenomena. That is wh it is important to be educated about your condition but not to become obsessed with it.

[Tammy]

The black sheep of the family.

No one wants me.

Alone.

[Wobbles]

For me, bpd explains all those feelings i had from early childhood. not fitting in. knowing that the way i thought about people and myself was not normal but not knowing why i felt like that. Always that deep seated panicky feeling that wouldn't go away, as if I was about to be caught out. Having to be on my guard all the time. Walking down the street and feeling I wasn't part of the world. Everything was just a bit off centre. Then as I hit puberty, intense anger, then total desolation. Hating and being hated. Wanting to run away from everything because emotions cut like a red hot knife. Going from breakdown to numbness to anger to fear to panic. And then the cycle would repeat itself again and again and again. Never feeling good enough but then often feeling angry when the good parts of me weren't noticed. Always lonely, but always swamped by the people around me.

BPD is not having that filter that makes life manageable.

Excellent explanation yorkie, that's me to a t.

[Wobbles]

What BPD is to me;

Im always trying to prove something, yet I don't know what im trying to prove.

My emotions go one of two ways, either they're blocked or they go off the scale.

My moods fluctuate like mad, often taking me from zero to hero.

I trust no-one.

I don't seem to know who I am and sometimes where I am or what I am.

I avoid getting myself into a position of possible rejection llike the plague.

I am a constant volcano, ready to erupt.

I crave love and care from another human.

My temper is absolutley vile and very dangerous.

I sabbotage anything good that I do.

I can't except compliments or praise but I love to impress people.

My confidence is very minimal yet most of the time I come accross cock-sure of myself.

If someone shows me love over a period of time, I become dependant on that person to make me feel connected to the human race and will idolize them..... when they leave I fall apart and want to die.

I can never express enough how I feel.

I feel misunderstood

I feel unworthy of love, life and happiness.

I tempt fate deliberetly; walking along the edges of high places with my eyes closed to see if im "meant" to fall, playing real russian roulette and walking through "danger areas in the early hours.

I feel as though im always last on the party list, just to make up the numbers.

Im very immature, and always will be, Peter pan is my idol!

I get scared to be on my own and scared to be around people at the same time (this forum makes up the middle ground for me).

Sometimes I look in the mirror and literally don't reconize myself.

Im always fearful of showing weakness, a glimmer of light through the barriers and people will attack.

And finally I firmly believe that due to the above within 5years I will be dead or in prison (if DBT doesn't work).

XxX

I relate to most of this, very much so. It's strange to see it written down, by someone else.

[amd_76]

For me bpd is mood swings that shift from one extreme to another. It's caring about everyone except the unworthy person i am. it's pleasing

everyone and pretending to be happy even when on the inside i just want to lay down and die. it's fear of haveing a meaningfull connection with

anyone because of the fear of the hurt that goes with abandonment. it is my mind playing out it's own imaginary life in my head. it is a fight to the

end and i will fight till the end!