"you're Too Sensitive"

[hummm_mabbe]

We have probably heard it a lot. Growing up. In our adult lives - "you're just too sensitive". This is when something has happened and we feel emotional over it. We have an emotional reaction, that the assembled others deem as "not to the standard they would expect.". We are being too sensitive. In order to get us to stop whining and talking about our feelings, that is the phrase that is wheeled out. In order to somehow make us see how silly we are being, thats the phrase.

So heres a different view.

What if as a result of our sensitivity, we started beicoming violent? What if we started abusing others, putting them down, criticising everything they do? And then we say "Well I WISH i didnt behave this way, but you know what? Im just too sensitive! Yeah I know, crazy as it sounds, I grew up with this fault, and what do you know, Im too sensitive! So Im sorry I slashed your tyres, Im sorry I made you feel terrible about yourself, but you see I didnt like the way you looked at me and frankly, its not my fault - you should have known that I was too sensitive! No one to blame but yourself!".

If people werent and arent willing to help us through our feelings because they decide that our reactions are not 'allowable', due to our sensitivity, then they need to be prepared to face the fact that we are going to act according to that sensitivity. If they cant be bothered to help, they they can suffer the consequences instead, which we have no control of because we are sensitive.

If we are smashing their china, putting them down in public, making them feel small - maybe then they will have to take a look and actually help us when we ask for it? Instead of our saying "Oh I know, youre right. If only I was better, and not so sensitive, then I know that you would be able to like me properly. I know what a great person you are, and how hard I make it for you to listen to me, because I am so sensitive".

In fact, if we didnt give a crap what the person failing to help us and who is in fact dismissing us thought, it wouldnt matter. We'd just go find someone willing to listen to our feelings in the first place, and wouldnt have to go to extremes just to get our bloody feelings listened to. But we dont, we chase these people who are essentially brick walls, and hope that if we prostrate ourselves to them enough, eventually they might toss us an emotional scrap.

The amazing thing is, the people who tell us WE'RE too sensitive always seem to be the ones that demand everyone else listen TO THEM harping on about problems, ones they have no intention of correcting, and in fact just enjoy the moaning and pity. THEY are mentally healthy however, because no one teels them they are too sensitive, They surround themselves with people to pity them. People with no desire to talk about ourselves, maybe because we are too ashamed, by dint of being told how sensitive we are, of actually EXPRESSING our emotions?

Maybe we're not too sensitive - maybe THEY are just too selfish to listen to anyone else but themself?

Mother, this is for you.

NB folks no I am not really suggesting we go out breaking stuff and being abusive, I was just making a point .... :bottom:

[hummm_mabbe]

Sorry that was a bit of a rant. I feel guilty now.

Ive got that feeling like when you have farted at a party and everyone knows it was you, are now avoiding you, but are too polite to point it out.

[BadBruiser]

If I had 10p for every time someone had told me that I'm too sensitive.....................

[hummm_mabbe]

If I had 10p for every time someone had told me that I'm too sensitive.....................

Hello badbruiser! Welcome to BPDW, I dont think I ever said hello to you yet

You know, you just made me realise something.

ONLY TWO PEOPLE used to tell me I was too sensitive, and they are the two people who made me belive it - my mum and sister.

Perhaps I have done this to over-compensate, but in fact more people have told me that Im too closed off, or simply never get close enough to make any kind of outward suggestion... but there has been hardly anyone who has told me im too sensitive. So in fact, I am still beliving words that havent been uttered since I was little. Im still acting as though they are true! Maybe I actually have NORMAL emotions, but am so terrified of letting any of them out that even the most average expression of feeling from myself looks to me like a dreadful faux pas???

Wow. Never thought of that ....

I think I shall have to start letting out emotions and see what happens, mabbe I will not die or explode or flood small villages.

[walker]

Sorry that was a bit of a rant. I feel guilty now.

Ive got that feeling like when you have farted at a party and everyone knows it was you, are now avoiding you, but are too polite to point it out.

Well

Maybe

But hell - if the pressure builds, what else can you do - and this is the BATHROOM not the BALLROOM

Surely emotions are there to be felt - that is their ROLE in life - so YES you should be feeling them - as often and as deeply as you need to

I realise we have had our disagreements - which saddens me

however, I have read your first post about 10 times

OK VOICES IN MY HEAD SAYING STOP NOW - I admit to needing to remain on good terms - arghhhhhhh

Perhaps I am one who is

harping on about problems, ones they have no intention of correcting, and in fact just enjoy the moaning and pity

the mother of all in BPD world ( its ok, I realise it was about You and not me)

But, I know I read accusation (not yours - that of my family and thoughts) into the darkest of toilet walls (to continue bathroom metaphor)

if it truly is me then SHIT

but if not,

then I still wonder

WHY does a person become so stuck, so selfish, so moaning and pitying

Just for the hell of it?? - just to hurt others - or because indeed they, too, are damaged

It is not an excuse, there is no excuse, but there are reasons

Anyway

Perhaps I have made a mistake in making this post - it has taken me a very long time to write, and I have tried hard, very hard, not to offend

If I have

forgive me

perhaps I should add THIS POST WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN TEN SECONDS - 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 :ninja:

[hummm_mabbe]

Sorry that was a bit of a rant. I feel guilty now.

Ive got that feeling like when you have farted at a party and everyone knows it was you, are now avoiding you, but are too polite to point it out.

Well

Maybe

But hell - if the pressure builds, what else can you do - and this is the BATHROOM not the BALLROOM

Surely emotions are there to be felt - that is their ROLE in life - so YES you should be feeling them - as often and as deeply as you need to

I realise we have had our disagreements - which saddens me

however, I have read your first post about 10 times

OK VOICES IN MY HEAD SAYING STOP NOW - I admit to needing to remain on good terms - arghhhhhhh

Perhaps I am one who is

harping on about problems, ones they have no intention of correcting, and in fact just enjoy the moaning and pity

the mother of all in BPD world ( its ok, I realise it was about You and not me)

But, I know I read accusation (not yours - that of my family and thoughts) into the darkest of toilet walls (to continue bathroom metaphor)

if it truly is me then SHIT

but if not,

then I still wonder

WHY does a person become so stuck, so selfish, so moaning and pitying

Just for the hell of it?? - just to hurt others - or because indeed they, too, are damaged

It is not an excuse, there is no excuse, but there are reasons

Anyway

Perhaps I have made a mistake in making this post - it has taken me a very long time to write, and I have tried hard, very hard, not to offend

If I have

forgive me

perhaps I should add THIS POST WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN TEN SECONDS - 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Hi walker

No this post wasnt directed at you. It does say "mother, this is for you" at the end.

[Roses]

Hmmm Maybe - I was told to 'stop being silly' or that I was being 'stupid' and my Dad jokingly called me 'Miss Piggy' all the time (Muppets) - but it's not funny when it is all the time. I tell my children a joke is only funny cos it's something different. If you say the same joke over and over again it starts to grate. I think that there is a certain amount that you need to help prepare your children for the harshness of life but it can go too far and end up invalidating them completely. I think you are brave to voice your opinions. You wear your heart on your sleeve and I respect that. xxx

[eve-naive]

Good to let it out Hmmm! I have found it the biggest release ever to rant here. I quite often feel guilty afterwards but I think it's a safe place for me to share all the unspoken things inside me....especially the ones I think make me bad. Good for you.

I find it extremely hard to express angry feelings about my parents, but I am realising (especially because of my ability to vent here) that there is much, much more than I ever knew. I can't help thinking it might be helping me. *hope so*

Your post just got me thinking too, about growing up. I recalled my dad always saying to me - either 'put your face straight' or 'let me see your face, are you smiling?' He would say the first horribly, the second usually joky, but I realised that the reason I might have been unhappy or sad was never touched on it was just change my face to something more acceptable.

I have heard all the 'brush off phrases' I am sure.

Hope you are well.

eve xx

[walker]

thanks ross, appologies

yes lots and lots of 'oh dont be so silly', from parents, then hub and now even kids !!

[angel tears]

My dad used to tell me that i was too sensitive and that i needed to be tougher like when i was being bullied and wanted to cry, being called names and he was the one who used to give me a good old thrashing!!!!!!!!

Think now that i am more NORMAL than he can ever be, atleast i CAN be emotional which is healthy, they have the problems, like emotions are abnormal, mental health doesnt exist etc etc

Blah blah blah from my parents ................... :angry:

[Rael]

Sorry that was a bit of a rant. I feel guilty now.

Ive got that feeling like when you have farted at a party and everyone knows it was you, are now avoiding you, but are too polite to point it out.

im sorry but that really did make me giggle (not that you thought it and felt bad, just the image it gave me and i have a very childish sense of humour)

about your post though, that makes so much sense to me you wouldnt believe, it is my bf down to a tee. over and over everything being down to my reactions being wrong, me being oversensitive and it really is a crippling thing to hear so often. i really hope that getting it out helped somewhat, dont feel guilty for posting like that, sometimes we really do need to have a rant and let off steam, and lets face it, writing it down like that is a much safer way to do it than many.

xxx

[jenga]

My sweet son is 20 years old, and one of the most sensitive people I have ever known. I use to worry, and sometimes still do, that he was like me, and that he would have a difficult time of it.

I have NEVER told him that he was too sensitive.. in fact, when something comes up, I always begin with acknowledging how good it is that he cares so much, and that he is SO sensitive, and what a great quality it is to have in this world. i would take his sensitivity any day over the brush coldness that is so invalidating.

I always got that myself.. "you are too sensitive.. overreacting.. so dramatic... big crybaby...what is wrong with you.. get over it.. etc.." That is, if I even got a response at all.

My son will be a great father and husband. His heart is full and kind, and he would never hurt anyone. In spite of the fact that his grandmother is a self centered bitch who made his mom so sad and lonely. I think I am breaking the cycle, for him anyway.

Sorry to get off topic. I am just emotional tonight, in a bad way, but am remembering a great conversation with my son yesterday.

[nobody]

I too can relate stongly to this. I was brought up a particularly vindictive and spiteful mother who relished in causing me pain, eg when i was about 6 some-one called me Weed at school, i went home, told my mother.... she laughed and then proceeded to taunt me with it for months! Calling me Specky,,,when she wore glasses too! During my upbringing wasn't allowed to show any emotions, (even too cheery ones would be seen by her as something to do everything in her powers to destroy - for her own amusement (& possibly the feeling of control/power?). i just learned to block it out when attacked by them, in some way. One of their well worn phrases was "feelings, your feeling don't count, wait until you get out into the real world"... unfortunately with my experiences with MHServices/Police over the last 2 years, I am only saddened further... everything they said is right.

Something i've been thinking about for a while:

I really don't think that it's us who are too sensitive, i think that it's others who are so full of their own self importance, worth (or are they really? - that's another topic), and sadly what definately seems to be the majority of people that have got it wrong.

The World would be a better place if there was more of us "too sensitive" people around, as from what i've experienced and know, it's the "sensitive" people that generally go putting others needs before their own, because experience has taught us how much pain caused by

others "INSENSITIVITY"

, lack of understanding and/or care.

In my mind, that shows we do actually genuinely care and understand others with a lot more insight and feeling - I have to offer help to any-one in any and difficulty, i just can't bear to ignore them, it hurts me (physically too) to try to. Sounds wierd - it's like i can feel what they're feeling, just by looking at them - How could i not try to help?

So why don't we club together and buy an island...just for nice people?

Sorry for the rant x

[jenga]

I too can relate stongly to this. I was brought up a particularly vindictive and spiteful mother who relished in causing me pain, eg when i was about 6 some-one called me Weed at school, i went home, told my mother.... she laughed and then proceeded to taunt me with it for months! Calling me Specky,,,when she wore glasses too! During my upbringing wasn't allowed to show any emotions, (even too cheery ones would be seen by her as something to do everything in her powers to destroy - for her own amusement (& possibly the feeling of control/power?). i just learned to block it out when attacked by them, in some way. One of their well worn phrases was "feelings, your feeling don't count, wait until you get out into the real world"... unfortunately with my experiences with MHServices/Police over the last 2 years, I am only saddened further... everything they said is right.

Something i've been thinking about for a while:

I really don't think that it's us who are too sensitive, i think that it's others who are so full of their own self importance, worth (or are they really? - that's another topic), and sadly what definately seems to be the majority of people that have got it wrong.

The World would be a better place if there was more of us "too sensitive" people around, as from what i've experienced and know, it's the "sensitive" people that generally go putting others needs before their own, because experience has taught us how much pain caused by

others "INSENSITIVITY"

, lack of understanding and/or care.

In my mind, that shows we do actually genuinely care and understand others with a lot more insight and feeling - I have to offer help to any-one in any and difficulty, i just can't bear to ignore them, it hurts me (physically too) to try to. Sounds wierd - it's like i can feel what they're feeling, just by looking at them - How could i not try to help?

So why don't we club together and buy an island...just for nice people?

Sorry for the rant x

[jenga]

So why don't we club together and buy an island...just for nice people?

Sorry for the rant x

Can we leave tonight????

[catspiracy]

i totally didnt read this thread but somehing that clicked happened just now i thought i should share:

I thought i was pouring the milk just fine into the glass but it spilled in a wide radius around the base of the glass..........

I thought: if i was truly sensitive to reality, i would have controlled the spillage of the milk

[Data]

What if as a result of our sensitivity, we started beicoming violent? What if we started abusing others, putting them down, criticising everything they do? And then we say "Well I WISH i didnt behave this way, but you know what? Im just too sensitive! Yeah I know, crazy as it sounds, I grew up with this fault, and what do you know, Im too sensitive! So Im sorry I slashed your tyres, Im sorry I made you feel terrible about yourself, but you see I didnt like the way you looked at me and frankly, its not my fault - you should have known that I was too sensitive! No one to blame but yourself!".

If people werent and arent willing to help us through our feelings because they decide that our reactions are not 'allowable', due to our sensitivity, then they need to be prepared to face the fact that we are going to act according to that sensitivity. If they cant be bothered to help, they they can suffer the consequences instead, which we have no control of because we are sensitive.

If we are smashing their china, putting them down in public, making them feel small - maybe then they will have to take a look and actually help us when we ask for it? Instead of our saying "Oh I know, youre right. If only I was better, and not so sensitive, then I know that you would be able to like me properly. I know what a great person you are, and how hard I make it for you to listen to me, because I am so sensitive".

We are not responsible for our emotions. However, we are responsible for what we say and do. Criticism can sometimes be constructive, but sometimes not. I think that the most appropriate reaction to criticism depends on the people and the context, but sometimes an over-sensitive reaction is not the best way of dealing with it. Just because you feel hurt, does not mean you have to show that.

I say this as someone who is over-sensitive myself, particularly to criticism.

[marcluton]

My dad used to tell me that i was too sensitive and that i needed to be tougher like when i was being bullied and wanted to cry, being called names and he was the one who used to give me a good old thrashing!!!!!!!!

Think now that i am more NORMAL than he can ever be, at least i CAN be emotional which is healthy, they have the problems, like emotions are abnormal, mental health doesnt exist etc etc

Blah blah blah from my parents ...................

AGHHH you said it the word THE WORD - """"NORMAL""" i've spent 9 years of oppressive doctors telling me how to act NORMAL, i'm given tablets to make me normal.

I totally agree, sensitive. People hurt your feelings and it leaves you sad, so you put up the barriers.

Its pain inside, i don't want to be normal, i like me and not afraid to show it, so i need to be given a name because i find silly things funny and bad things make low, IM MAD and PROUD, with a hint of NORMAL

MARC :)

[Roses]

There is no 'normal', just like there is no 'right' or 'wrong', 'good' or 'bad' - there is only opinion.

[Data]

There is no 'normal', just like there is no 'right' or 'wrong', 'good' or 'bad' - there is only opinion.

I am afraid I have a different opinion, Roses, as I have expressed in another topic: What Is Normal?, It's not nothing.

I also partially disagree with what you have said about 'right' or 'wrong', 'good' or 'bad'. I think that there is typically no single 'right' or 'wrong', 'good' or 'bad', there are several things that fall into each category, and theres all sorts of shades of grey inbetween.

But then again, maybe we are both right. Or both wrong. Or both half right .

[Roses]

We are saying same thing though. That there are grey areas and is open to interpretation therefore opinion??? Confused.....

[Roses]

I guess we disagree bout the normal thing though which is why I didn't join in that conversation, I remember it now. These are a couple of quotes from people in that conversation:

"Hi...its not that i dont think that there is no such thing as 'normal'...but i think peoples perceptions of what it the norm is so different".

"normality is a theory, and like all theories, what conclusions you make of it is up the individual"?

The very fact that we disagree tends to lend itself to the theory that normal is just an opinion though. If normal was an actual thing we would all have to feel the same.

[marcluton]

I guess we disagree bout the normal thing though which is why I didn't join in that conversation, I remember it now. These are a couple of quotes from people in that conversation:

"Hi...its not that i dont think that there is no such thing as 'normal'...but i think peoples perceptions of what it the norm is so different".

"normality is a theory, and like all theories, what conclusions you make of it is up the individual"?

The very fact that we disagree tends to lend itself to the theory that normal is just an opinion though. If normal was an actual thing we would all have to feel the same.

I thought i would use your statement as quote -

Yes what is normal?

The way you have put it, is true every body does have a different perception of normal eg keeping up with the Jones's to how we see ourselves.

Maybe the word normal should have a question mark like Why? """Normal?"""

Perhaps i strive to be not Normal?

Marc

[Data]

The very fact that we disagree tends to lend itself to the theory that normal is just an opinion though. If normal was an actual thing we would all have to feel the same.

This is not true in my opinion. It is fine to reply and say that someone does not agree with me, or that they do agree with me, or that my topic is not relevant to the original poster. However, for example, to quote me and reply with something that is completely irrelevant or bizarre is not normal in my opinion.

I am not saying this to be controversial, Roses, I feel strongly about it because the 'normal' idea and its relevance to feelings have an impact on me and those that I have relationships with. However, I am not going to post again in this thread about it because I think it is off-topic. Also, I am at risk of becoming repetitive .

I assume that you feel that terms like normal are judgemental and empathise with people who have been treated harshly, and I respect and admire you for that.

[hummm_mabbe]

Sorta comin back on topic, I suppose my view on it would be that a person may have a certain characteristic, in which case that is part of their uniquely loveable and worthwhile self - whether it is, by universal standards, 'good' or 'bad'. As you say Roses, there is no absolute and it varies from person to person, culture to culture. Eg in some countries its ok to have more than one wife, whereas here its bigamy. In some countries the death penalty is ok, here its not.

In terms of mental health though, I think there are two routes that you can go down that end up unhealthy. The first is when you genuienly do have this characterisitc, and are blamed, shamed and criticised for it, as opposed to being made to feel accepted and guided in how to reduce any potentially distressing side effects, for example in interactions with others.

The second is when you actually DONT have this characteristic, but in fact your normal, healthy behaviours are labeled and viewed by significant others in a negative way. Any outward emotion for me was labeled by my mum as 'too sensitive', where in my sister it was labeled as 'too angry'. In my dad it was labeled as 'evil'. If my mum saw ANY dispaly of emotion, she would insult it, unless it was hers, because she felt that she was the only one with any real reason or right to express her feelings and needs. Again the idea of gaslighting springs to mind, where for example actually mentally healthy women can enter a relationshop with a man who effectively brings them to their knees by picking out a tiny behaviour, which then becomes used to make the woman completely question her reality.

In both cases there is a lack of acceptance and there is emotional abuse because the person is made to feel that this part of their self is wrong, bad, unacceptable and will lead to people rejecting or even punishing them. That, as you were saying the other day about when its all the time, is what leads to the deep set problems that so many of us experience. In terms of normality then, we end up trying to live up to that significant others ideal of normality, and we find that nothing we do will ever let us achieve it. We continue to strive to meet it, but we cant - because they never ARE going to accept us. As we are humans who MUST express emotions, we cannot win because they will label ANY emotion as 'bad' - in their view. The fact that someone else may not see it as bad does not enter our heads, because our sole focus is getting that ONE person to accept and approve of us - which they may never do.

We end up accepting THEIR definition of normality as universal, and as long as we belive and accept it we can spend our lives trying to either prove to them that we are not this bad thing, or otherwise trying to win their approval. We actually need acceptance, but we have this strange, self-defeating and complusive urge to chase after this person who will never give us what we need.

In my case, I do not belive I was sensitive. I belive I reacted to the world similarly to other children, its just that emotions were banned, wrong. Mum would insult other children slyly when they cried and say how pathetic they are, and tell me how I wasnt to be like that. I learned to shut away emotions, and if any ever leaked out, and I dared to break my emotional discipline and forget that she was the victim who needed pity, then I would be guilted, shamed and told I was too sensitive. Ultimately, a lifetime of this actually makes you pretty wound up. Just like gaslighting says, the person actually creates the behaviour in you that they wish to criticise, and as long as the other person needs their approval, the process will continue. In the process, you take on your 'disapprovers' view of you as valid, because of the need to preserve the idea that the person is good. This is where denial comes to play a part, for example the long suffering wife who always says "hes nice really" when her girlfriends can see he is destorying her. She will blame herself for the abuse, because of this characteristic that is 'bad', and feel that if only she could change and stop being this bad thing, that really he is good and wouldnt have to be mean anymore. She may feel she drives him to act that way, by virtue of this terrible flaw that HE has made her come to belive she has. Yet still she has to preserve the idea that he is good, because she NEEDS him. She blames herself. I belibe its this same dynamic that can happen in children with their parents, and so its intersting to see how many people go through their lives in denial about what their childhoods were really like, and instead blame their 'badness' for the mistreatment they got.

Its my anger at realising this is what happened for me that I am trying to get out in this post I think.