Just Rambling

[Yoik]

I'm not really an angry guy. I don't get mad and scream and yell. As a matter of fact I can only think of a handfull of times when I actually threw a fit. Yes, I self harm, and I can get mad at myself sometimes, but it all comes out in quiet ways...like cutting myself or ripping pages out of a magazine. Do I do these things because I don't throw fits? Do I keep too much inside? If I were to throw a fit now and then, yell and scream sometimes...would I cut down on self harm and destruction of property? When I say destruction of property, I don't mean that I go screaming with a baseball bat and smash someone's TV. I just get fidgety with my hands and I do things like rip out pages of a book...but not fast and furiously. Just calmly. I just never get angry. I'm either nervous or calm. But never in a fit. Sometimes I feel that if I could get angry, I'd stop doing what I do. So I try but I can't do it. It's just not a part of me. I can't go on a rampage. I have dreams and visions of brutally murdering people - something I would never do. I think I have these because I keep all my anger inside. I wanted so badly to post this before (about the murder thing) but I was too afraid. I am glad that I got it out now. Please don't think I am a violent person. I am anything but that! Sometimes I think I am too not violent - like maybe I should throw a pillow at someone. But I just can't. It's like I am trapped because I can't let my anger out. Then I cut myself or destroy somebody's book. It's worse this way. If I could just get in a fight once in a while, maybe I woudn't have these problems. I don't know. I just needed to say that...that's all.

[Rael]

just wanted to say i dont think that saying that makes you a bad or violent person. i get vivid daydreams/fantasies about killing/torturing people, i see it all clearly and they even calm me. i watch violent things and read about them, i have books on serial killers and forensics with all sorts of nasty pictures and descriptions in. but it calms me. it doesnt make me a violent person, the opposite in fact because it is my way of getting my feelings out. i am an exceptionally quiet person and internalize a lot and we all need an outlet for things.

if you got into fights or stuff once in a while i dont think things would be all that much better (have been there when younger) because the anger is still there. have you tried any other ways of getting the anger out, a punch bag or vigorous exercise? if the ways you have of dealing with the anger are negative then it might be an idea to try out others, less harmful ones. keep trying different things, not all are going to work but you could come across something that does.

xxx