walker Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 its all come streaming backnot the deep depressionbut the anxiety,the hollow fear in my gutGod its like a hole has opened back up inside me and i am going to be swallowed by itI guess it has never really gone, but avoidance has worked welland nowshit i feel like i am going to sink Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ann51 Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 Walker: I don't really know what to say except that I know how bad anxiety can get. I hope you can ride it out and I hope it will pass soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 Walker hun, can you talk more about it, do you think it will help?I hope that this passes soon also, like ann I know how bad it can get. - for you, I thought you might need one.R xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted February 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 thankyou , bothits really pathetic, I am really pathetic, I know thatI knew it hadnt gone, but staying at home has helped a lot,but my daughter is 21 next fri, and I knew I had to see her before that, and she is in B'hamknew son and I could get lift back with hub, but we had to get there from Oxford - so i booked the coach, cos last year the train was SOO packed and busy and stressfulso Coachgreat ideaexcept days of thinking about it, migraine the night before, travel pills that refused to make me drowsy (they used to knock me out) - and as soon as the damn thing drove into the coachstation my whole body went weak.Damn itI know i had my son with me, but cant really hold hands and cuddle up to an 18 year old. It was only for 2 hours, but even before we left it was hitting me and my whole being was longing to get out of there.For the next hour it kept washing over me every few minutesthe burning, locked back, - the tight chest - the numbness from the waist down - that awful awful feeling of utter dread and weakness - like I am sinking through the seatShit, I hate it so much - but each time - i have to fight and fight to keep my composureSon didnt know - i just kept chatting, drinking, eating sweetsI ended up singing a bloody hymn, as it made me breath more slowlythen, last bit was delayed by roadworks, which set it off againFinally got out ARGHHHHthen walking through millions of people - couldnt deal with shopping centre, we went wrong way and again it was rising up inside me like a tidal wave - RUN RUN , cry and run cry and runso i just walked with my son and got more and more scared until we finally got out.SHIT I HATE IT SO MUCHWhy is it that when it gets bad, suddenly all the exits seem to vanish, every passage is a dead end, and no doors will openALL I wanted to do was go and see my little girl ffs and i cant even do that - I feel like a total useless shit and I am SO angry that I cant just walk around like other people.Even in her flat, and the restaurant it was still worrying me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 I'm so sorry that you had a bad experience.But walker, YOU DID IT! You got there, and you should be so so proud of yourself. You are not useless at all, you made the effort and you did it.You did things to help yourslef, even if it is something like singing that helps you to breathe properly and calm down, and you should be proud of yourself for doing that rather than just giving in.You will get past this hun.I will be thinking of you.R xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 Like Crackers said, you did it Even though it was scary you did it. You sound so much like me I could have written your post myself. This is how I felt the other week when I did shopping trip. Just like it was all closing in on me and there was no way out, but you did it and that is a positive thing. The anxiety WILL subside just be kind to yourself. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted February 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 but this is just how i felt when i left work - its why i went back on AD's, but they didnt help, so its why i came off too, and i am just in the samd Damn placeyes i know i did it, but it is ruining everthingand i hate it so so so os muchand i need someone to hold me and there isnt anyone and there never will bethe bloody hole is swallowing me upi will never be a decent mum, cant drive, cant travel alone, just a useless waste of spaceI know I did it - and it just makes me realise how much I dont want to do it againand as we drove out of the city, last night, all i could think of was how i cant reach my kids on my own, and ow if they ever live in a highrise, or some some security locked place - i wont ever be able to see themi am losing them cos i am so f*cking hopless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 Your kids can always come and see you walker, I'm sure you will be asble to see them somehow.This may sound like a silly suggestion, but it did work for me. I hate clubs, bars, pubs, anywhere where it is noisy and packed. I start to panic and convince myslef that I am dying etc, I'm sure you know how this feels. Anyway, my friend gave me this CD which is supposed to help you get over panic attacks, and it really calms you down when you listen to it. Some of it is a bit horrible, like when it tells you to try and slow down your heart beat, im like f*** that one off for a laugh, i'm not doing that.But it did help me.Do you have anything like that, I know they are not everyone's cup of tea?Just a suggestion.You said you will never be a decent Mum.I'm sorry but I have to disagree.You made all that effort to go and see your daughter, ity wasnt like you just walked sown the road to go and see her, you travelled a fair distance. I don't know much about her, but from what you have said about your son he is a very bright and consciencious (sp?) young man. I'm sure you have done a fantastic job with both of them.I guess when children move away it makes parents feel a bit useless naturally, you don't want your little girl to grow up.Keep talkingxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 I echo what crackers has just said. Evidence suggests you are a good Mum which is oposite to your feelings. You should talk to your therapist about this. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted February 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 thankyou for saying such nice things to meI dont mind my kids growing up - I prefer it when they dont ask me for advice because I think i am so useless at giving itI dont see her much, i just sit at home thinking ok so maybe it will be beter next time, but it isntI did have a nice day with her and my son,but the fear, in my head, destroys lots of itYs I will talk to the T about it, but have only seen her twicejust feel so so alone in this todaycant talk about it to family or they say things like - dont let it get to you - try not to make a fuss - there is nothing to be afraid of - i cant explain it to themmum and dad just say - well u never used to be like this, dont make such a fuss, dont be so sillyI just want someone to hold me tight and say its ok, and they understand - and the fact that there is no one to do that just makes it feel even worse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 I just want someone to hold me tight and say its ok, and they understand - and the fact that there is no one to do that just makes it feel even worseI know exactly what you mean by this walker cause it's exactly how I feel, and i wish that I could give you a hug, but this is all I can do sorry .We understand and you can talk to us about it, and I know is different than having understanding from your own family, but we are here to help you.Keep you head up high.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 holding u tight it will be ok :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 T, you hanging in there hun?xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted February 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 xxxxjust wondering which way I am going to tip atmfeel numbthen feel like am going to crack completely Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted February 20, 2009 Report Share Posted February 20, 2009 you're not useless at giving advice, they wouldnt ask you otherwise. it was a very big thing to do and i know the fear is crowding you but allow a little pride to come through at what you achieved. ok it was difficult but you still pushed through when im sure there were opportunities for you to go back or hide. at the moment you may feel you dont want to do it again but thats because you are feeling the intensity of the anxiety, i have sworn i wont do some things again and i still do, and then i swear i wont do them yet again etc.glad you going to talk to your t about it and i hope the feeling eases for you soon.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted February 20, 2009 Report Share Posted February 20, 2009 I ditto Rael.Are you feeling any better about it today walker?xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted February 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2009 not sure if i feel better about it - it makes me angryit makes me consider meds againit scares mefeel so tiny, so lost, so weak - so very very vulnerable when it is happeningguess i just feel stupid now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted February 20, 2009 Report Share Posted February 20, 2009 There is nothing wrong with considering meds again, and there is certainly noting wrong with being scared.We all get scaredof things, its the way in which we handle our fears that matter, and you not only confronted something which causes you much anxiety but you handled it like a Pro! That you were able to talk about it was brave too i think.Please don't feel stupid about it walker, cause there is nothing stupid about at allKeep smiling Rachel xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel123 Posted February 20, 2009 Report Share Posted February 20, 2009 Hey hun, if i was there i would give you a great big hug. Thinking of you.Sending love and hugs your way xxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 20, 2009 Report Share Posted February 20, 2009 Please don't be scared of the meds. It'll be OK sweet. Big hugs and lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted February 21, 2009 Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 meds arent such a bad thing, i felt like taking them was admitting i was ill and i didnt want to accept that. but i was and am ill and the meds do help. last year i forgot what it was like to not be on them so thought it was ok to stop them but then i realized just how much good they had been doing. starting to take them again recently and as much as i loathe them, i know i do need them.no need to feel stupid about anything, you were scared and once the big part of the fear has passed you start to see it as weak, as something you shouldnt feel. i do it too but i try to remember that as stupid as i feel about it later, at that time it is so overwhelming that i cant help how i feel.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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