Uncanny Happenings

[catspiracy]

I want to start off by saying how amazing this forum is and how much you have helped me. You have given me a comfortable place to be anonymous yet completely myself, utterly bare-naked honest. And that is a gift I will treasure forever.

So, a few weeks ago, immediately following the hot tub incident, my husband freaked out about it. I had to take care of him like he has had to take care of me when I am in a full-blown episode. It was so hard, because I'm still BPD me, after all, and seeing him like this made me despise him and want to run away from his weakness instinctively. But something else rose up in me. It's the same thing that happens when my hands begin to burn and I can offer someone my healing chakra touch. It rose up spinning all of my energy centers in unison and I remained calm, serene, my buddha self fully alight.

We got home somehow and I gave him my chakra touch. It's like a massage crossed with faith healing and I don't know why or how but it's what I am called to do. I worked from his root up and opened all of the flow points. He was relaxed and ready. Then I opened his crown and the Universe poured its radiance down through him. He gasped and was suffused with light. His Buddha self looked at mine and we locked in a Tantric embrace.

A mild scratching came to my notice, a muffled knock on his astral door. I told him, "your Spirit Helper is knocking, why don't you let him in?" And my husband opened his mouth into an O, as he contemplated his Animal Totem, there in the energy field with us. "It's OLD," I breathed, "it's reptilian, ancient. Not a snake, is it a lizard?" My husband breathed no but I knew I was on the right track. My focus clarified and I saw its twisting tail and changing colors: "a Salamander! Salamanders are also viewed as dragons."

My husband said the word "dragon" at the same moment.

Here are words that relate to the Salamander totem: ENLIGHTENMENT, growth, balance, renewal, transition, awareness, spirituality, psychic abilities, dreams and nighttime, adaptability, dual nature. My husband experienced his bolt-of-lightening Enlightenment when the Universe flowed into his open crown and he saw everything interconnected like an Alex Grey painting. And now he has his Spirit Helper to guide him into his dual nature. People have commented on him afterwards, saying he just seems "lighter".

Later that day, I was laying there with him, my own energy field depleted and painful. He gently began to work on me and discovered the Serpent lying parallel to my chakra line, like a parasite tapped into my root and living off of the poison it creates in my sacral center. And I knew that this was my Dark Twin, my previous life successful suicide. This is the source of my suicidal hallucinations, my deep sense of quitter-hood, shame, and hopelessness. Now it had a corporeal form as well as a psychic one and I could address it.

But how?

My "best friend" (it's starting to sound fake to me when I call her that) who led me into this higher dimensional way of life, has abandoned me there. I felt so incredibly lost and alone, I didn't know which way to turn. I just kept working my mantra: "I am available for more good than I have ever experienced, imagined, or manifested before." And I asked the Universe for a new guide. We went to a party on Valentines and I thought I might get a session from one of the many massage therapists that do work at our parties, but it didn't work out that night. I just continued to work my self-styled meditation program and stay available.

The night before last, it all came together. My dear friend V. came over with a computer for my little boy (he's tutoring him in programming, taking him under his wing like an uncle, so sweet!). After all that was over, he shared his relationship struggles with us and I offered him a Tarot reading. It was mindblowing as usual, he pulled the Fool card (seems like birds of feather DO flock together, because I and many of my friends constantly pull that card.) His cards left him feeling intimidated by what he must do. He sat there looking so sad and defeated although he is a very strong and beautiful soul and the defeatedness wasn't the kind of frenzied shit I get up to...My hands started burning.

He agreed to let me give him my chakra touch. We danced around it a little and he confessed that he was just too vulnerable and he needed to work up to it, I admitted that I admire him so much that I felt a bit intimidated. We stood back to back and consulted our inner voice. My Spirit Helper Horse came to me and said in the words of my old mustang trainer, "Don't Bum-Rush a Mustang!" suddenly I understood.

I began dancing with my back to him as he continued his inner work. I remembered leading my mustang around, and how well he responded when I focused my mind on more of Carl's words: "I know where the green grass grows, I know where the water flows." My friend V. turned around and checked my aura for himself, giggled, and we began.

He taught me so much, each of his chakras burned clear and bright in my soul-eye. I barely touched him, I danced crouched behind him like a witchdoctor, drawing his roots down through his feet into the floor. So much pain there, and the orange was so sad and full of pus-like shame, the yellow withered. I worked light into them all the way up and out of the top of his head, then just as I did with my husband, opened his crown and helped him to be fed full of light.

He turned back to me and checked my kundalini. Here's the uncanniest part: He described exactly my Dark Twin Serpent and called it something from my previous life, a tragic death! And when I told him I'd recently figured that out, he offered to help me, to be my guide! He did a "soul retrieval" ritual with me where you purge yourself of all the little bits of other people's energy, give them lovingly back to the Universe to recycle, then most respectfully request all of the bits of myself I've given or lost, calling them all back into me so that I can be whole. I found my guide at last!!!! Right away he gave me two different practices to add to my regimen. One is a breath yoga method of spinning each chakra, gathering the energy and combing it upwards, then sealing its fountain at the crown. Another is a guided visualization where i turn the serpent into straw, separate out each strand, relax them, and gently clip each individual strand, then reweave them into my true kundalini snake.

It reminded me of beading. I had woven an ugly necklace out of my own beads and some other people's and it chafed me wearing it. So I had to carefully pick it apart strand by strand, freeing the beads and returning the borrowed ones to their owners, recollecting the ones I'd loaned out. And then gathering myself together and in grace and bliss, restringing all the beads into the harmonious strand that is my Buddha self. I feel such peace and such quiet power.

I can only contemplate the Universe in a state of innocent gratitude. Thank you, thank you, thank you!