First Light

[Storme]

First Light:

This might be very confusing, but I want to try and explain something.

Imagine living for many years in darkness, believing the sounds you hear are normal.

Believing the actions by others is normal, so normal that you actually believe this is how all families are, that using they hands is how they show love, that to show someone that you love them means to hurt them, but you don't understand why it hurts but its normal so you learn to block this unusual feeling.

The normal way to show feelings is to show violence, talk with your hands, if you want respect in the world you have to use your hands. If you want to show someone you love them you have to be cold towards them, you have to be nasty to them.

If you want to get respect from a man, you done this thing to him ~ at a young age you don't know what it is, off course you have heard the word sex, but don't understand the meaning of sex. Isn't sex what mum and dad do that's gross. You do something you don't like, but he's happy and that makes you happy but something doesn't feel right but you don't understand so you say nothing, this is normal anyway, its how you sure someone love, if they happy it means they love you.

If your taught that if you don't understand something don't speak about it, if you don't have the words to make sense don't speak. If your not spoken to first, don't speak. That was the rules by mothers family, my mother and her many partners. You wasn't allowed to say anything.

For many years my mum struggled to feed, clothe her children, went without food herself to feed her children. However the cost was, that her mother (aka Nan) would take this out on the children, if she saw you eating sweets, crisps or anything other then the jam sandwiches you had for dinner she would take it away from you. When you stayed at her house, depending on her mood, the day, and also who was there you wouldn't be feed but would be made to stand and watch the others eating if she caught you looking you would be hit, and if she saw you wasn't watching you would be hit. You couldn't win.

When you ill, there is no warmth shown towards you, just the normal coldness and bitterness, but its normal. very normal.

You always feel cold you won't wear warm clothes, you always have to feel the cold.

You start to fear being around people, men and women, people in authority, teachers, the police, nurses, doctors. So much so that you distance yourself from people in the same class as you, always being naughty so you get sent to referral, excluded or even behaviour school. You don't interact with people and become a loner. Your not bullied, people are scared of the way you are and they fore distance themselves from you.

The learned behaviour is, darkness is normal, have no feelings that it doesn't hurt, use violence to show your not scared but only towards people that you don't feel threatened by, have se* with men as its what they want. Don't let people see you eat, don't eat too much. Never speak unless spoken to, never speak of something you don't fully understand and never never never never speak about what happens behind closed doors and bring disrespect on the family.

Darkness for me was normal.

Then........you hit something...not lightness, but something else that I can't explain.

Everything you believed was normal, possibly wasn't normal ~ so you deny all the past, you somehow move on, using drink, drugs to escape even se* with strangers, you put ur life at risk, you put urself in dangerous positions, you live life on the edge but your indestructible and no one can reach you. You cut, but why are you cutting, you have these feelings you can't describe, you don't understand but you can't express them, you can't tell about them, so you cause the pain to yourself the pain you know also well, to block the pain out. Then the darkness comes back..but has it really ever gone? Wasn't the darkness just a shadow, wasn't the shadow you trying to convenience yourself that your not hurting, that your actions are normal.

Everything comes crashing down, your world, you own little world, is about to end. Then two word hits you in the face, se*ual ab*se, everywhere you go, the words are screaming at you. You argue, you fight, you tell the demons to shut up, you drink more, but the words get bigger, you take drugs but the words still remain, you can't escape these 2 words.

Then the spot light:

Feelings you have never felt hit you in the face, spiral out of control, you don't know how to deal with them so you do what you always do you violence, use negative attitude towards people, you try to hurt people with nasty words...you try to go back into your own little world, you comfy zone with a expiry date on. Your perfect world, your believes that your childhood was normal all come to an end. You start to find out about se*ual ab*se, you start to discover things about your family, you start to realise that the learned behaviours are not normal.

You know that violence isn't a way to show love, or care and hate seeing violence, hate seeing arguments and yet part of your is still the violent.

You know that love isn't shown in a se*ual way towards a child, and yet part of you still believes and holds onto the fact that it was love.

Its like living in darkness for many years, and then having the blanket ripped from you exposing your eyes to this big bright light, you eyes can't adjust, your mind can't adjust, you feel trapped, you feel alone, all these feelings come flooding in and swamp you, you don't know how to deal with them, you can't even name them, the only thing you know is that your not right, your heading for a fall, you have fallen before but the darkness, the blanket always provided some sort of security, its what you know. The bright light is blinding you, you can't see a way out, you can't find your blanket to cover your eyes.... your eyes are opening up to what the world is, the what the past was, and you can't explain, reach out, ask for support because you don't understand. You don't have the tools to deal with these feelings, you don't have the words to describe what's happening. All you know, is the world you knew, the darkness you lived in has changed...and your not able to cope with it and somehow need to find a way back into the darkness, an escape from reality or some rope that can hold you up for a little longer until you can adjust to this bright light shining in you eyes, before the end is the end and there are no more tomorrows.

Just what happened?

A child, wild, mad, angry, couldn't sit still to even have a book read.

Her father was violent towards mum, brother and sisters

Her father hurt her -

Her father possibly sexually abused her older sister - unconfirmed as sister doesn't want to acknowledge.

How many days, weeks, months, years did it go on?

She can't remember how she felt nor did she know what was happening, just that she wasn't being physically hurt.

Her father moved out and re-married.

Her mother agreed to him having them for the 6 weeks school holidays.

She was in the room with the boys

Her sisters in the room with the girls

Her father and he's wife worked during the day.

The children all went to the adventure playground during the day

She got an earache and was taken to the hospital by her father.

Her sister stepped on rusty nail and was made to suffer until she got back home.

The eldest boy started to hurt the girl on the first night, it only lasted 3 weeks

He tried to penetrate her, but she can't remember if he did or not.

The 6 week holiday was cut to 3 weeks as she told her father what had happened and they were sent home.

About a year after the child was having continous nightmares.

Her older sister told her mum.

Her mum told her to show her what he done using her sister to show.

Her brother hated her.

He would hit hear head against the wall.

Pull her down the stairs

kick her, punch her

mum left him to it.

he would put he's hands around her throat.

head butt her

he shouted at her

he told her noone had to look after her

he told her she was on her own and noone loved her.

he told her she wasn't he's sister.

it continued for 20 years

Mum had a new boyfriend, an irish man. He's brother was funny, kind and gentle.

He wasn't, he drank too much with mum

When she was ill with Hep, she had to remain in the bathroom with it filled with steam

He was drunk, and mum was.

They gave her a drink, don't remember what it was but it made her sick.

Mum left them in the bathroom.

He then hurt her, showered her, and called for her mum.

Mum gave her more drink, and then took her to bed.

They didn't last very long possibly a year.

She was naughty at school

The school bully was always trying to kiss her.

The school bully was playing kiss chase, went to kiss her and she hit him and ran away.

That night she went to the park as normal.

He was there.

Everyone left, just them two playing.

He pulled her off and she feel onto the wood chip.

she kicked him.

he kicked her between the legs

he then kissed her with hes's tongue in her mouth

and then pulled her pants off and penetrated her.

she went home, possibly crying she doens't remember.

went to the bathroom.

mum came into the bathroom saw blood in her knickers

had her a sanitary towel and told her to clean herself up.

Her uncle hated her, and her little sister. he was the one that kicked her father out after he pulled him off mum.

He would hit them

tell them they were unloved

when they spoke he told them they mouths were dirty

he would lock them in the cold bathroom (it was a old house and had no heating in there)

He would wash they mouth out with soap.

He got her drunk she doesn't rememebr what happened only how she felt the next day.

He said we were making mum ill

He said we were evil

He would hide things and say we stole them

I don't remember everything, and he know longer talks to us.

Jim was already in her life, he was her friends grandad. from the age of 8 till she was 15 He started just kissing her, touching her, mastubating over her, touching himself, her touching him, disgusting things. dirty things. horible yucky things. disgusting. then it changed when she was 9 sex hurt and he hurt her. still hurts. don't like it.

Step dad she was a late developer, she was flat chested. play this game, lift ur top and he would tweak and play with her invisable breasts. even after she developed he would still touch her breast, her private area (over her clothes), he would kiss her with he's tongue in her mouth. Sometimes he would bruise her where he would pinch her. She had a love bite on her neck so he done one on her neck. He would say things that made her feel uncomfortable. Because he would touch her breast, he's sons and son in law I guess thought it was an open invitation to also touch her. They would grab her breasts, play with them. I would either laugh, walk away or tell them to stop. I felt uncomfortable with it, but they still done it. Sometimes mum would tell them to stop it, sometimes she would laugh. My nan used to call my step dad a dirty pervert, he didn't seem to care who was around when he would touch me. I know its not nothing serious, no se* took place..its probably not even worth mentioning.

I hate my body, its not mine. My body, nor my mind is my own. It belongs to others. I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin, I don't feel comfortable at all.

How can I live, not feeling whole, not enjoying life..pretending that I'm ok, but when I'm on my own breaking down.

sorry this is very long.

[Roses]

I have read most of it but not all of it as got to get kids from school now. Wanted to say I understand that feeling all too well and I want to send you a big hug and reassure you that it can and will get better with the right help. You are so strong to have got this far, stronger than you can imagine and even though you don't feel it you are special and wonderful and you CAN move forward with your life. BIG hugs to you. xxxxxxxxx

[Storme]

I used to think it might get better, but now I don't believe it will. sorry :(

[Benway]

hi storme,

i read all you wrote. it must have taken a lot of psychic energy and pain to write that out- or were you 'numb'?

i can talk / write about heavy stuff but often im kinda dissacociating when i do it...

i can relate with some of the things you wrote about.

this should never have happenned.

im sorry you had to go through ANY of this.

your post really touched me, i dont know what age you are but it can get better with time and therapy. for me anyway.

i hope you will recover too.

love

anne marie

[Roses]

Give it time Storme, I hope you feel better soon. xxx

[Storme]

When I write anything now I'm just numb, I switch off from everything, i go to a place unknown.

I'm 29 now, and don't and never have felt I would see my 30th in 4 months time, I still feel that way. I have been in therapy, but she left a month after I reported, i've started seeing someone else but its only been 3 weeks, i don't have any hope that it will help. if i was meant to move on, let go I think something would have changed, except another day i sit here contemplating and starting to take my life, all other choices have been made for me this is one choice I have control over and nobody can take away that decision.

[Benway]

hi storme,

please don't give up hope.

i was 28 when i had my 1st serious 'breakdown' and od, 29 diagnosed with bipolar, 32 when i got diagnosed with this (bpd), and only feel ok talking about SA or my past since about 35. im 38 now.

and i've had the darkest of nights and days. 2 near death experiences, and learning to live on my own as an 'adult' which i still feel very far from.

somehow or other i have made it this far- without family except for my 2 kids.

you have made it this far. you can acknowlege what happenned, but maybe cannot handle it all yet. thats ok.

you are incredibly brave and strong to have written the above and reached out. and people will help and support you, both here and in r/l. i hope your therapy goes well ,

it took me a while to find one i could trust and like.

take care

anne marie

[Roses]

I'm sorry you feel other people are making decisions for you. Is this something that can change? We can talk about it here if you like?? xxx

[Storme]

Its been like this for 3 1/2 years now, before then I drank everynight and was using coke to get thru each day now I cant function and the 4 walls are closing in to quickly.

I don't know how to change it ~ I'm backed into a corner with work, even my housemate she controls everything even to the extent of turning the telly and lights of when "its bed time"....!! She complains when I don't eat, and then when I do, she complains when I go out and then when I don't, she has a go at everything. Everybody always has to control everything I do..BUT this she can't stop me, work can't stop me, the doctors and cpn don't care or listen. its on my own...but then I'm used to that, doesn't stop it hurting, but i'm used to it.sorry. very bad day. and gonna be sick again. sorry.

[Roses]

Sounds like your housemate is worried about you and trying to establish routine for bed etc... to help with your sleep patterns and worries bout you when you are out but perhaps she doesn't say it in the right way and ends up coming across as a control freak. Do you think she cares at all?

[Storme]

She doesn't care, she has told me she's a control freak, and she has hit me before when I've tried to argue back with her. The only person she cares about is herself, even her own family say she's a bully. Everynight I wait to see what mood she's in, worried what will happen, its get tiring. Its not just my housemate, its everything, even with the CPN, with work, family, the police, everything. its just too much. i'm inadequate, pathetic and useless at teverything. sorry

[Roses]

I don't agree with you saying you are all those things. In my cbt we look at evidence to support our feelings. Is there any evidence to suggest you are inadequate, pathetic and useless?? I bet you've done loads of good things and achieved a lot it's just you upset and can't feel it right now. It does sound like you need a different person to live with. Can you move out?

[Storme]

yes there loads of evidence, work...they won't let me back cause they say I'm not able to do my job, a job I've being since 96 and now I can't do it, so I'm useless. I'm pathetic because I can't stand up for myself, I let people use me as a doormat, I let people hurt me in anyway they can, I don't fight back, I don't have the energy to fight back. I'm inadeqate because I don't meet the needs of anyone, I can't meet the standards they set, I can't do the work they set, I couldn't even stop the people who abused me, abusing my younger sister. I don't even deserve to be listened to, or even acknowledge as a human because I'm not and I've been told that many times, many times I've been told i'm usless, bad, naugty, trouble maker..even one of my abusers said to me, that after eveyrthing he had done I had let him down because of things that were happening that day my 13th birthday he ra*ed me, sex we'd had, but that day it was different, i as a thing, he's "special" girl let him down. i'm a failure. sorry. I can't move out cause its a joint mortgage, although i bee out soon one way or another I guess. sorry

[Roses]

Don't be sorry Storme. It sounds like a lot of that list is about other people's feelings though. You not meeting their standards is not your failing perhaps their standards are too high? You did not fail your abuser. That person abused you and manipulated you to feel bad and guilty it is the way I felt for years but it is not accurate. It is not your guilt and shame it is theirs.

Work probably signed off due to depression right? This is not your fault due to above mentioned stuff. You are goodenough to do the job but right now you need a break to get your shit together cos stuff has happened to you. This is not your fault and you are not a failure or useless or pathetic. Please believe me.

You have a joint mortgage with this woman? That is a difficult one. I'm not sure on advice for that one as don't know your personal circumstances but could the mortgage be switched to her? xxx

[Storme]

I don't know if they standards are too high, but they or probably me expects to be able to have high standards at everything, and when i fail its just another tick agaisnt the failures of life.

I wish I could believe you, its my shame, my guilt, I can't even look people in the eye because I feel so full of shame, disgust and what I done to him, and vice versa, its tough. sorry.

I was signed off for depression, just after the CPS said they wouldn't be prosecting (which because of new evidence, is back open) I was signed off by the doctor as the crisis team said I shouldn't be at work because I'm not stable enough, the doctor then signed me off for a month, but 2 weeks later I spoke to her and she agreed that being off from work, and being indoors, I was becoming more withdrawn, more depressed and need some routine in my life, i needed to live in the present, but still work on the past and signed me back to work, but now work are saying that they don't want me back until she tells them I'm ok to return, which she has but still they won't let me back.

I'm not sure if it can be switched, the only problem is i don't have any family close by (the all moved away 2 years ago, and I moved away in the opposite direct 4 months ago, complicated), I don't have any friends, my closest friend lives over 200 miles away. That said I will probably lose the house anyway cause i won't be able to afford the mortgate. I won't have a job. I dont' actually have anything. i'm so tired of this. a "friend" sent me 80 tramadaol today, and said "you won't take them all will you", you don't give a child sweets and tell them not to eat them and expect them not to..she knows I've been feeling suicidal, and all i'm getting are signs to go, no signs to stay..just signs that actually everyone will be better off with out me, and I have no reason to live, no purpose, nothing to actually stick around for. I will just be another statitics.

I'm sorry, all i do is complain, that's why people hate me so much I guess...i used to be so different, now I'm just empty and gone.

Thank you for your replies and listening to me, i'm so sorry.

[zora]

((((Storme))))

Your "friend" was just an idiot.

Even if you can't go back to work just yet - what do you feel in your heart that you want to do? Do you want to hybernate - and that's cool? Do you want to be with people? If you want to be with people there are ways - voluntary work, community centres etc. OK sounds a bit lame - but may be a start if you're up to it. And no worries if you're not (I'm certainly not right now!!)

I'm certain everyone will agree that you can complain all you like here.

So sorry you've got uncertainties about your house.

hairah :bigarmhug[1]:

[Rael]

i can relate to much of what you have said and i am really sorry that you have gone and are going through so much. when feeling so low its easier to see the things that reinforce that feeling, or give us guidance. it doesnt mean it the only evidence or guidance there though. if you feel good and something bad happens you are more likely to ignore or gloss over it than if you feel bad. and if you feel bad and something good happens you are more likely to ignore it too.

its difficult when you are trying to deal with things and then the therapist leaves and it will take time to adjust to the new one but given the chance to get to know them and feel able to talk to them then it really could help. with the housing situation, can you speak to CAB about it, often they can help either with arranging finances to help or helping you seek alternative accommodation

dont give up, you did nothing wrong and i know that the feelings eat away at you but they dont have to win.

xxx

[Roses]

Hello again Storme. I couldn't get on earlier, sorry. You can complain and moan on here as much as you like as communication is what it's all about! What part of Kent are you in? My Mother's family come from near Strood and my Grandma lived in Orpington for a long time so have been there a lot. Although Orpington more London really.

It is good that you can see it may be their high standards or that you possibly are too hard on yourself. I am a perfectionist and I know how it feels to be disappointed in your achievements but I am slowly learning that it is OK and to be kinder to myself. The shame/guilt thing is hopefully something you will work through in therapy. It is deep rooted and may take time but you can make changes one step at a time. Believe it can get better and you'rse half way there. I know it's difficult and I want to give you a big hug for that cos it hurts like fucking hell and I live with it every day.

It's tough having no family near. My hubbies lot live 120 miles northe and my lot live 200 miles south and we have 5 and 9 year old children and it is REALLY hard. It is good that you have friends, even if they are far away as is a comfort. But this one who sent you those pills doesn't sound like much of a friend at all if you ask me. Sounds sick.

I don't completely understand your work situation, did something happen? Why were they going to prosecute? And how come you have been signed back to work but work rejecting that? Is probably just me being a thickie but could you explain it to me? Could be CAB (as Rael mentioned) could help with that as well as housing situation. I think if there was a choice between keeping the house and being mentally well I think you should go for the mentally well choice as a house is just a house at the end of the day.

Hope this helps. xxx

[shed]

hi {{{storme}}}

i am so sorry you are going through all this. i don't know exactly what you are going through but i can certainly relate to some of your feelings. it is incredibly difficult to make sense of. i was told all my childhood that i was lucky and had a great family. always the problem was with me. i was the one causing trouble. so when i grew up and eventually realised that i had been abused for years it shocked me and i find it hard to accept still. i am 39 and have never really found peace with it all. but i can say even though i still suffer and am confused i have still found moments where i have laughed and found friends (real friends) to share some time with. what happened to you will always be with you but it doesn't have to be who you are. i wish you all the luck and love in the world, debbie xxxx

[Storme]

I used to live in Abbey/Thamesmead and now I live in Chatham, but my family live in Northamptonshire. I went to college in Orpington.

It does hurt, it hurts so much that I just want it to end, I want my life to end so the pain will stop.

I'm sorry this is short but I don't feel well, I keep being sick, and I've not slept. I took some of the tablets and now I don't feel well.

Work wasn't going to prosecute me, I went to the police about one of my abusers, he abused me from 8 until 15 and I reported him last July, but the CPS said lack of evidence but now somoene else has come forward. Work I think just want to get rid of me because I keep hacing time of work due to depression which is normally triggered. I don't think I am ready to go back to work, but I have to try something because sitting at home on my own with just 4 walls is making me feel worse. I do honestly believe my life is over, if it ever started.

Sorry. I do appreiciate your reply and sorry that i'm just so negative, i kind find anything positive, i'm just so down, that even samaritans are calling me back cause I keep taking overdoses. All I want is to feel safe, to be held, to be told it be ok, but I feel like that small child again thats being pushed into a corner and ignored, just feeling the cold, no warmth, but all I want is to be held safely. small things to some but to me its huge but impossible.

Thjank you shed, I just wish I could find some memories to laugh at but all I remmeber is the horrible things, the lfashbacks, the being back there with it happening all other again, there's no escape from it or from me.

sorry

[shed]

i would hold you if i was there

absolutely know that need. i know you are hurting and you can't see anything positive, but there are people here who genuinely care. please don't take any more pills xxxx

[Storme]

I am trying not to take anymore, I have been tryng I promise I have. sorry. It is difficult. I might go for a walk, although i feel faint so now I don't know what to do. sorry

[zora]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Storme)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

hairah xxxxxxxxxxxx (Ok, so I don't do things by halves!)

[shed]

I am trying not to take anymore, I have been tryng I promise I have. sorry. It is difficult. I might go for a walk, although i feel faint so now I don't know what to do. sorry

no need to be sorry, you can say anything you like. a walk is a great idea.

how many pills have you taken? do you think you might need to go to a&e? it is very difficult and you are doing a great job with it all. no-one could cope with all that and be fine. really wish i lived nearer. xxxxxx

[Roses]

As I just said in your other post, please at least call NHS Direct it sounds like you are in a bad way and you might need medical attention. I am so sorry you are feeling like this and I have been there myself and I understand but please just reach out.

It is good you went to police. I went to police but was told if I wanted totake it further would have to give a statement and the thought of it scared me off. My abuser was my own brother so is complicated. But please get help. If you are being sick all the time it is obvious your body is telling you something is not right. Listen to it and get help. xxx