Taken A While To Put My Finger On

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo

Just wanted to see if anyone relates to this ... Have been in a bit of a funk lately, with lots of detaching, some feeling good blah blah but wanted to write this out to see how I feel once its on paper / screen.

I realised that theres still this huge part of me that longs to be 'the cool kid'. I remember when I was 7, having a childish conversation with two girls in my year. They were the clever girls, I was dubbed the clever boy. I remember that I had a suspicion I had no redeeming features. Sure I got good grades and was 'the clever boy of the school', but that didnt make the other kids like me. I remember that I thought well maybe the clever girls will like me? I was talking to them and my friend ashley was there, and they said he was better looking. I remember feeling "oh no ... Im not good looking, my cleverness isnt liked by other people .. what else do I have that would make people like me?". I remember feeling that maybe I could be funny, and that would make people like me - like my friend Edward. He was the funny one. At this point I realised I wasnt funny either .. .and so realised there was nothing that made me likeable. It all seemed to happen in that one moment, and I still remember it in the playground.

I couldnt change my face, so maybe I could learn to be 'cool' or funny ... but it never happened. The more I tried to be the cool kid, the worse it got. Then I went through life trying on every mask and personality I could, hoping to find the one that would make me that person. Like there never was a 'me'.

And its still following me around now. I still want to be that cool kid, happy and accepted, and liked because Im cool. Cos I can breakdance like Edward, and am funny like him. And later there were other 'Edwards' but they didnt like me, and in fact Edward stopped liking me too, because I was lame I guess, so I guess maybe he became part of my model of things to come. And of course, the family stuff in the background, adding to it? Driving it?

But I still want to be the cool kid. Of course now, it translates into wanting to be the charismatic business type, being all charming and attractive to everyone.

I mean I know all the rational alternatives to this stuff, I know its 'just' kids thinking, I know what a 'healthy' relationship model and view of the world is, but I still have this huge part of me that just wants that nice, safe and happy - almost euphoric - feeling of being the cool kid, instead of the fear, loneliness and emptiness of what I am now. I suppose I have experienced it a few times in my life, and that makes it even more painful, even more 'just out of reach' because I have been there and been that person at times ... but its like 1/31th of my life, at best. Like I said, I know all the rational stuff, all what I 'should' think, affirmations blah blah blah but that little hurt rejected kid, desperately searching for the person inside who will make him be wanted, and safe, is still there. And I still remember the feeling of fear, loneliness and hopelessness that I felt - at the age of SEVEN. Its never gone away I know it sounds silly, so trivial - yet its a really big part of me, the thing I seem to be always driving for. I guess the fact it seems to silly, I have been too ashamed to really even admit it, like it would be dismissed, and that shame has stopped me actually admitting it to myself, even though its something that obviously hurts.

Anyone relate? :unsure:

[Wobbles]

I can relate to a certain extent. I have always tried being what i thought everyone else wanted me to be so that they'd like me. The funny one, the smart one, the cool one, and was never the attractive one. I still do it to this day, put on whatever mask, whatever personality i think may be the most attractive in whatever situation i find myself in. But i always have that feeling insde that it just isn't right. It's not me, and i've spent so long trying to be something else, that i don't know what me is anymore.

It's not silly or childish. What comes to mind is an inability or unwillingness at this point in time to accept yourself as who and what you are. To get in touch with yourself, and only change for yourself if that's what you want and realise that if people don't like you, it's their loss. It's ok to be you, for you, and the more you practise being you and accepting yourself and be happy with yourself eventually, the more people you'll attract because they'll see you're genuine.

[Pilgrim]

Totally. Seems like I am always chasing that ideal and never attaining it. Even when out with friends I have that feeling that I'm the 5th wheel - like if I couldn't have made it no-one would have been that disappointed.

Why does that feeling - well more than a feeling, a need - never go away. As you say you know what the rational answer and approach is, yet it never goes and self reproach doesn't chase it away either. The settings may change - school, uni, work - but still it's there.

Do you ever "escape" by creating scenarios in your head when you are that person? Entire conversations. Stupid and childish I know.

Pilgrim

[hummm_mabbe]

I can relate to a certain extent. I have always tried being what i thought everyone else wanted me to be so that they'd like me. The funny one, the smart one, the cool one, and was never the attractive one. I still do it to this day, put on whatever mask, whatever personality i think may be the most attractive in whatever situation i find myself in. But i always have that feeling insde that it just isn't right. It's not me, and i've spent so long trying to be something else, that i don't know what me is anymore.

Hullo

Thankyou for your reply, and sorry that you struggle with this too Hopefully eventually finding that place that is "me" will be something we both find :)

[Marchmadness]

Hey -

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted. It is part of human nature, the

knowing that we are pleasing someone, we are liked, cared for, understood. You

tell me - is there something wrong with wanting or needing it?

March

[hummm_mabbe]

Totally. Seems like I am always chasing that ideal and never attaining it. Even when out with friends I have that feeling that I'm the 5th wheel - like if I couldn't have made it no-one would have been that disappointed.

Why does that feeling - well more than a feeling, a need - never go away. As you say you know what the rational answer and approach is, yet it never goes and self reproach doesn't chase it away either. The settings may change - school, uni, work - but still it's there.

Do you ever "escape" by creating scenarios in your head when you are that person? Entire conversations. Stupid and childish I know.

Pilgrim

Yes I know what you mean, always there in the background. And the thing about self-reproach doesnt work ... no it doesnt. Was it Jung that said "Condemnation does not liberate - it oppresses"? I can relate to that. The more I punish myself, the more I go right ahead and feel driven to do the exact thing Ive always done ... a bit of compassion seems to be far more useful ...

Again, all this stuff I know intellectually, I mean, EVERYONE knows it really, but for folks with mental health prollems, THAT is the issue - the fact that it doesnt take root deep down.

I suppose my biggest problem is that I find teasing - ANY teasing, so painful. Its like Im stuck at being a 3 year old, I just feel so rageful and upset. I know why, I know the roots of it in my family (abuse / put downs / criticism etc etc blah) but it doesnt change the sense of hopelessness and shame. I know that I SHOULDNT struggle with teasing, but I do ... and I need to admit that to myself rather than punish myself for it, or tell myself I "SHOULDNT" be that way, or re-play the same useless advice .. "Just ingore it' dont be so sensitive; grow a thicker skin yadda yadda...". I know that stuff, but like ... how do I actually DO that?

I actually bought some books on how to handle teasing and bullying for school kids cuz its the only books I could find, I feel like such a 'tard that this is such a problem for me, and its like im the only one that struggles so badly with it, like Im a 3 year old in an adults body, and no one can possibly understand ...

Bleh. Im just moaning.

[profound1]

Hi hummm,

I can definately relate to this although I never wanted to be the cool kid I wanted to be accepted by everyone I suppose. I have been a chameleon all my life adapting the way I appear and behave to fit in with the people I am with. There is a normal element to this as identity is multi-faceted and we all behave in different ways depending on who we are with, but I think the difficulty arrises when goals are not reached, ie, you still feel lonely, fearful and empty despite trying to fit in or be something else, ie. cool kid or charismatic business type. This is how it is for me anyway.

In fact since I have been detaching/dissociating lots recently and I am questioning who the hell I am because I just don't know anymore. I feel like Worzel Gummidge with many heads but I don't know which one fits right now. He always tried to please Aunt Sally but ended up being exploited and used by her. I think I might be the human version of Worzel Gummidge, nothing feels right, my many heads of the past seem to have all been unreal.(here come the men in white coats!!).

I realise that constantly adapting myself to fit is unsustainable, not real somehow but this just leaves me with confusion, never ending confusion.

Maybe you can relate, sorry if I misinterpreted what you wrote.

Best wishes.

[hummm_mabbe]

Hey -

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted. It is part of human nature, the

knowing that we are pleasing someone, we are liked, cared for, understood. You

tell me - is there something wrong with wanting or needing it?

March

I suppose ... I guess the thing is the very all-or-nothing nature to it. Its like, part of me wants me to be liked by EVERYONE, and be super successful, in order to just be ok. I mean, I know all the logcial stuff, I know this view is 'irrational', but theres still that little kid inside that needs it. I KNOW I cant, and shouldnt want, everyone to love me, but that doesnt stop some obcure corner of my mind demanding it be true and taking hold of my emotions and blattering me over the head with my failure to achieve it.

I guess words alone arent about to change something thats been a huge problem for the last 28 years ... Though I do appreciate people trying

Having said that, I have only just really let myself see this, so I need to work on it in therapy. Mabbe I have unearhed something that will lead to some genuine change.

Whoo hopey hope

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi hummm,

I can definately relate to this although I never wanted to be the cool kid I wanted to be accepted by everyone I suppose. I have been a chameleon all my life adapting the way I appear and behave to fit in with the people I am with. There is a normal element to this as identity is multi-faceted and we all behave in different ways depending on who we are with, but I think the difficulty arrises when goals are not reached, ie, you still feel lonely, fearful and empty despite trying to fit in or be something else, ie. cool kid or charismatic business type. This is how it is for me anyway.

In fact since I have been detaching/dissociating lots recently and I am questioning who the hell I am because I just don't know anymore. I feel like Worzel Gummidge with many heads but I don't know which one fits right now. He always tried to please Aunt Sally but ended up being exploited and used by her. I think I might be the human version of Worzel Gummidge, nothing feels right, my many heads of the past seem to have all been unreal.(here come the men in white coats!!).

I realise that constantly adapting myself to fit is unsustainable, not real somehow but this just leaves me with confusion, never ending confusion.

Maybe you can relate, sorry if I misinterpreted what you wrote.

Best wishes.

OMG my favourite reply everrrrrrrrr cuz you compared yourself to worzel gummidge ... how cool. Whoo

Thats the best analogy I think for it Aunt Sally is a meanie

[jades]

i found myself in that situation this week thinking oh hes too cool im such a dork and when we started talking i told him that and he was like no way i thought i ws a dork and u were too cool so i think just about everyone has an infiriority complex if they dont theyre probobably an arse lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[profound1]

OMG my favourite reply everrrrrrrrr cuz you compared yourself to worzel gummidge ... how cool. Whoo

Thats the best analogy I think for it Aunt Sally is a meanie

Aww, ha ha glad you liked it, it's just true, I mean how it is for me :wacko: !!

Take care

[hummm_mabbe]

i found myself in that situation this week thinking oh hes too cool im such a dork and when we started talking i told him that and he was like no way i thought i ws a dork and u were too cool so i think just about everyone has an infiriority complex if they dont theyre probobably an arse lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

:lol:

[AndyL]

Ross, I've seen your picture. You look pretty cute to me.

Kisses,

Andy

[Rael]

i always wanted to be the cool kid, still do too, never will be (although i do have very cool new boots which is helping the feeling a little) but thinking about it have realized that what i would consider the cool kid and what you would consider it are probably very different, and so it made me think that anybody can be the cool kid. i do know about feeling the odd one out with people, not really fitting in, the outsider, but now i remember that sometimes the outsider is the cool kid. the outsider or the quiet one is an unknown quantity and sometimes that just makes them the cool one.

also there is a fine line between being cool and being very uncool as this very professionally done documentary will demonstrate

Completely serious documentary (honest)

with the first part i wrote i may have taken it too literally or not literally enough im not really sure and brain is going a bit haywire atm and cant work out whats appropriate and whats not so apologies if any of its not.

xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Ross, I've seen your picture. You look pretty cute to me.

Kisses,

Andy

[hummm_mabbe]

i always wanted to be the cool kid, still do too, never will be (although i do have very cool new boots which is helping the feeling a little) but thinking about it have realized that what i would consider the cool kid and what you would consider it are probably very different, and so it made me think that anybody can be the cool kid. i do know about feeling the odd one out with people, not really fitting in, the outsider, but now i remember that sometimes the outsider is the cool kid. the outsider or the quiet one is an unknown quantity and sometimes that just makes them the cool one.

also there is a fine line between being cool and being very uncool as this very professionally done documentary will demonstrate

Completely serious documentary (honest)

with the first part i wrote i may have taken it too literally or not literally enough im not really sure and brain is going a bit haywire atm and cant work out whats appropriate and whats not so apologies if any of its not.

xxx

Lol its Eddie

I have this thing whereby I see all females as the ultimate arbiters and judges of human value, and are therefore always cool (something to do with having an overly critical mother and sister I think, Mister Freud) so frankly cool boots propel you into the stratosphere of coolness.

[S1CKK]

Oh yes, I wasn't one of the cool kids either but I wanted so badly to belong, so I did the mask thing as well. However there was a point when people started to see me as like a smart but "dark and twisty" kinda person and that in a way made me cool to them. What I am trying to say is, people only ever liked me for what I really am. A huge negative black star who is infinitely gifted in the art of misery and self destruction.

I am awesome at that...however I have a really hard time going to parties and stuff. Sometimes (I'm much better now than I used to be), I can genuinly have some fun at a party but I usually come down quite hard afterwards...I usually can only bare parties stoned drunk...I'm working on that though and I'm getting a lot better.

I can relate so much to your story. The only difference is, there was a point in my life when I just said "fuck it, I don't give a crap what all this mediocre human filth is thinking about me".

[walker]

i am so grateful to you all for talking about this

I have struggled in a similar way throughout my life, but particularly when i was younger

I have NEVER been cool

but i have longed to be accepted by the crowd, would swell with gratefulness whenever a 'cool' kid noticed me, and seemed to have no identity of my own.

i was the quiet one, the one who never got told off, who longed to be, but didnt have the nerve to do anything naughty, and when I did, I was always caught and always mortified.

the one who didnt go to discos, the 'classical music' geek,

i ALWAYS felt different cos I knew that nobody REALLy liked me, even if they spent some time with me.

For a time, music saved me, in some ways, when i had the lead roles in school musicals, then people would suddenly notice me, suddenly realise that I existed

It was good, while it lasted, but meant dealing with intense fear and struggling with endless self-criticism.

and the cool kids never watched them anyway.

I guess that was a huge drive behind me doing a music degree - I knew in my heart i had to perform, had to be famous, or no one would ever notice that I was even on the planet

but it all f*cked up anyway, because to do those things, to get noticed, to sustain it, you need to have an internal drive and for me, it would come and then go.

and I always knew I would never be GOOD ENOUGH for people to want me or accept me, so in the end i just gave up and crawled away

and now

well I am nothing, and I cant risk trying because as Ross said, when you have been there, the pain of knowing what you dont have, what is out of reach - is so intense.

[shed]

oh how i long to be cool i even think i managed it for a week once when i had my lip pierced and wore a 'disturbed' tshirt lol! but since then i've put on weight and being nearly 40 is decidedly not cool :0

i always wanted to 'fit in' somewhere. at school i was never very popular, at work i was 'a bit odd', i think i felt a bit more comfy in hospital actually and that's a bit worrying. even in group therapy i wanted to be the cool one but never quite managed it. always some-one cooler or more interesting

just don't want to be average, don't want to be 'ok' or acceptable. always wanted some-one to say 'wow' about anything to do with me

yeh to be wanted. for people to have a genuine smile for me, pleased to be in my company and not just awkward.

some of it must be your own perception of yourself though? i mean when i've felt cool then i probably wouldn't have noticed if people where actually sniggering. and when i feel crap i notice every damn eye movement.

for what it's worth i think your robot is well cool x

[prang_out]

Ross, I've seen your picture. You look pretty cute to me.

Kisses,

Andy

I wasnt a cool kid at school, but ran with the popular kids. Mainly they were assholes. There was a subconcious backlash when i realised I might just be another asshole like them, and that i probably wasnt the cool character i was perceived to be anyway. I began to isolate myself and cut off most relationships in an effort to search for the real me. Wish I hadnt cos I still havent found it. Shifted from 'preying on others' to 'being prey'. Found the only way to cope is to have as little human contact as possible. But i still have the need for acceptance, its just over shadowed by the belief that it's "easier to be disliked" or accepted negatively.

[Wobbles]

Ross, I've seen your picture. You look pretty cute to me.

Kisses,

Andy

oooohhhh now i want to see your pic......

[hummm_mabbe]

Ross, I've seen your picture. You look pretty cute to me.

Kisses,

Andy

oooohhhh now i want to see your pic......

Between Andy's gay hazing, and the falsely raised expectation of me somehow being attractive, I am feeling a relapse of my social anxiety coming on.

Come back propranolol, all is forgiven ...

[AndyL]

Ross was worried in his original post that he wasn't good looking enough, and the fact is, he is far from ugly. I think we all worry that somehow we don't measure up in the looks department. Certainly society tells us that we can't be happy unless we do, and that if we don't we should buy something that would make us measure up somehow. I was being lighthearted and playful, trying to reassure Ross that he has no worries in that department.

Ross, I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way. Thought it would make you laugh. Maybe that humor doesn't play as well across the pond as it does over here.

Cheers,

Andy

[hummm_mabbe]

Ross was worried in his original post that he wasn't good looking enough, and the fact is, he is far from ugly. I think we all worry that somehow we don't measure up in the looks department. Certainly society tells us that we can't be happy unless we do, and that if we don't we should buy something that would make us measure up somehow. I was being lighthearted and playful, trying to reassure Ross that he has no worries in that department.

Ross, I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way. Thought it would make you laugh. Maybe that humor doesn't play as well across the pond as it does over here.

Cheers,

Andy

It does, but I was responding with the kind of humour that plays over here, which is to become nervous and worried.

But thanks for the comments.

Sugar.

[jades]

in the states i just think it all good ur both cool and funny xxxxxx