I Crashed.

[Shelley]

I should have known, but as allways I/ve been stupid. I/ve been out walking every day this week, something I hav/nt been able to do for years, walking for 40 minutes fast pace to try and lose some weight, and improve my mentall health. But last night I crashed, everything seemed so loud, and fast, and I had to escape to my room. This morning I felt so very anxious, and I was shaking, and just the thought of leaving the house made me have a panick attack. I rang my C.P.N. who got back to me within 10 mins. I told her all this and she said I/d over done it, she said I should have started off small, like going round the block, and then building up. She said I/ve caused my anxiety to return by doing too much too soon.

But that/s not It, I feel weepy and depressed, I have thoughts of cutting, though I havn/t cut for a year.

I thought I was cured, thought I could do anything I wanted, but now Im back to square one...a prisoner in my own home, and feeling totally shit. I wonder if the 3mg drop of Diazapam has a part in this?

I hate myself, im so fat, I hate my meds for making me fat, I can't take my kids swimming tomorrow now, Im a BAD BAD BAD person.

[Broken doll]

You tried shelley and that's what matters, it's not really fair on you to say you brought this on yourself, i'm sure that wouldn't have helped. take it easy, there might be something else you're not aware of that might have brought this on..

is there anyhting that has happened lately?

if you're really starting from square one then try to remember how you got past it the first time. and think to yourself that you can do it even better than the last time!

your not a bad person you're just going through something scary and difficult. take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself if you feel like you can't do things that you have been.

i hope you feel better soon.

[Shelley]

Im a failure. I/ve been in bed shaking. I did what I/ve been told to do for years and then It makes me worse. I don/t get it. Im taking my night meds now and going to sleep,as I cannot face being awake.

[S1CKK]

I just wanted to say that I can relate to that. Maybe that will make you feel a bit less alone. I'm proud of what you did.

[Rael]

you have tried really hard to do the things to make you feel better but sometimes the feelings can come back despite what we do to prevent them. the feelings wont last forever even though it may feel like they will. i find that if anxiety hits then that can in turn make me feel depressed and weepy because it gets to me if i cant do something or if i thought i was doing ok and then get anxious then i feel depressed that i wasnt doing as well as i thought and it becomes a vicious cycle. dont give up, often mh peeps will latch on to anything we have been doing different and try to use it as an explanation for anything, it may have caused it, or had a part in it or it may have nothing to do with it at all but the main thing is to work out how to feel better.

i do find that diazapam can make me feel sluggish and that can make me feel a little depressed because i feel low on energy but if you worried you should ask your doctor about it. be proud of yourself for doing all that you have, not feeling good now doesnt mean the mood wont lift and you can focus on getting back into doing it.

xxx

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Hey Shelley, i'm not sure if there is a part of you, even a tiny one?? that can agree with this - but okay, lets say that you are back at square one again - why does it hurt so much? is it because you got so far before going back? Because that is going to hurt like hell, of course it is.

BUT - is there no way that you can use exactly that to help power yourself through this rough patch? Everything else to one side for a moment - you were better, you said you were feeling so good that you believed yourself to be cured - you got to this point once - why can you not get to that point again? This is just a setback. Of course it hurts, of course it does. No one is denying that, and you are not wrong at all to feel so hurt and frustrated by this. But you are not back at square one, not at all.

At square one, you were down at the bottom of that hole, not even a glimpse of the top, let alone having a clue how to get up there - but now?

You've DONE IT! You've BEEN THERE! You've been up on that soft green grass basking in that sunshine, and it was very recently too!

Close your eyes, remember how it felt to be in control, to feel on top of things, as you said - to feel cured.

You may have stumbled, hunni, but it's okay. You're still on the floor, you may have fallen and bumped your nose on the ground, but you're not down that hole. You're not going down there again. You fought your way to the top, and we never fall right to the bottom again, it only feels like it.

Why? Because we get used to the feeling of being up there, of being firmly on our own two feet, of being in control... And that doesn't just disappear.

You have pulled yourself up from the bottom of that hole. That was hard work. You most probably thought it was impossible at a few points down that road, but YOU DID IT. and you can do this too.

You can.

You have already taken a huge step by admitting here that you've stumbled. That is the hardest part over and done with.

Just accept the support around you, and KNOW you can do it.

Take it moment by moment, day by day. Small steps. And you WILL get there again, and you'll be stronger and happier for doing it once again, you really will.

Take gentle care of you, and please, please dont be afraid to ask for help.

You deserve it.

You deserve to be up on your feet again, with a gorgeous smile on your face.

And you will get there.

Slow and steady.

You're in my thoughts, hun.

Love, Crip xxx

[zora]

Hope you don't mind me adding, Shelley as I'm new here but for me it's two steps forward and one step back all the time if we're serious about recovery. This is a one step back for you but that's OK. (Ignore me if I'm talking bo**ocks!!)

hairah xx

P.S. You're not a bad mum for not taking your kids swimming. If kids know they are loved and listened to then everything else is less important. That's what I've come to believe anyway. :hug2:

[Shelley]

Thanks everyone, you wrote some really nice things, and yeah your right, I got there before, so I KNOW I can get there again.

Woke up shaking again today, took extra Propranolol which helped.

I don't feel SO depressed now, just disapointed.

Im going to ACORN on Monday, about my Diazapam reduction, my Mum is going with me on the train, so I'll see how that goes.

Thanks again hairah, CrippleAndStarfish, Rael, S1CKK and Broken doll, your words have helped me feel better. :bigarmhug[1]:

[zora]

you're welcome, sweetie

just hope you're giving yourself a break to get yourself through this bit. Sounds like you're taking positive steps. Good on you!!

hairah xxxx

[Shelley]

Didn't go to ACORN, still very depressed, have been since Friday, so I think It's my Bi-polar instead of my Personality Dissorder.

Stopping the Quetiapine as from now.

Everything is shit and I want to die.

[zora]

((((Shelley))))

Hang in there babe. We can't do things when we're feeling so low - not your fault. One mental trick OK - remember back to the last time you felt like this (know that it's hard to step out of the pain of the present, but try please.) - you got yourself through.

hairah :hug2:

[Shelley]

Thanks but that/s just it I never remember feeling like I do now, It/s like I block it out or something....im just flitting from my bed to my PC and back again, I don/t want to sleep too much, cos' then I won/t be able to sleep tonight, and I get panicky at night, im not going to but I really feel like getting drunk, hubby wouldn/t let me anyway.

Im craving the hospital again, cos' I feel SAFE in there......does that sound weird?

I can/t hold a simple conversation with my hubby or my children.....I wish I did not exsist, and the suicidal thoughts are getting very strong now. Fuck this for a life! How much more is someone supposed to take? I/ve been ill for fucking years. Im tired of it all, I resent my family for not letting me die.

[S1CKK]

You're "indulging" your suicidal mood right now I think.

I know that when you're this fucked all encouraging comments sound lame but don't you know yourself that life has a lot to offer.....I can relate to the "how much more am I supposed to take?" part though....a lot.....wish I didn't.

Things will get better.....you know it yourself.....besides, I don't know if that's true for you, too but I usually feel very depressed and tired but there are very rare moments when I manage to be happy....happier than most normal people could ever be.....for a second or so I'm a radiating star....and then I die.....again......and again......and again

:bigarmhug[1]:

[catspiracy]

I should have known, but as allways I/ve been stupid. I/ve been out walking every day this week, something I hav/nt been able to do for years, walking for 40 minutes fast pace to try and lose some weight, and improve my mentall health. But last night I crashed, everything seemed so loud, and fast, and I had to escape to my room. This morning I felt so very anxious, and I was shaking, and just the thought of leaving the house made me have a panick attack. I rang my C.P.N. who got back to me within 10 mins. I told her all this and she said I/d over done it, she said I should have started off small, like going round the block, and then building up. She said I/ve caused my anxiety to return by doing too much too soon.

But that/s not It, I feel weepy and depressed, I have thoughts of cutting, though I havn/t cut for a year.

I thought I was cured, thought I could do anything I wanted, but now Im back to square one...a prisoner in my own home, and feeling totally shit. I wonder if the 3mg drop of Diazapam has a part in this?

I hate myself, im so fat, I hate my meds for making me fat, I can't take my kids swimming tomorrow now, Im a BAD BAD BAD person.

Next time everything seems too loud and fast, just take a day off from trying. Just relax and chat online or knit or sleep in or watch tv or whatever. Eat chocolate in bed with a good book. If you've been walking 40 mins a day for several days, you can sure afford one day off lazing about happily. Tomorrow is a new day and you never know what kind of mood you'll wake up in. Just ride it like waves.

I got caught in a riptide before. Im not a strong swimmer, so when I noticed that the current was dragging me under and tumbling me that far from shore, i got sooo scared! but I flipped onto my back and backstroked (an easier stroke for me) so I could watch for the next crashing turbulence, just dive under it and wait for the calm to come back. In that way I made it slowly back to safety. I see my "crashing" like a riptide...it tumbles me and drags me under, so I try to wait for the calm....pop back up and make as much progress as possible before the next wave.

Be kind to yourself! All of those mean things you are saying are not your voice! whose voice are they? return those words back to who they belong.

love to you,

cat

[Shelley]

Yeah, I get those precious 'seconds' too.

And I know I will get better, but I also know I will crash again.....I see no point in it all, no point at all.....It/s relentless, and Im tired of It all.

I don/t know what you mean about 'indulging' in my suicidal mood.....that's how I feel, that/s what I want, and Im fucking angry that my conscience won't let me.

[catspiracy]

You're right, it will return again and again. But each time you can respond better and better. It takes on a sort of rhythm. And the anger dissapates when you get into a state of forgiveness and even gratitude. Because I do believe that pain is transformative. It makes us either crumple--or step above ourselves and into the spiritual realm and make valuable discoveries there. Discoveries that cause us to grow in compassion and insight, yet with the wisdom of dark fucking experiences. You are special and necessary, loved and valued.

anger is an energy, use it to propel yourself into a better mood. You can do it! Now or later, it doesn't really matter, I just believe in you outside of time and space.

love,

cat

[Rael]

i know the frustrations of seeing the mood overtake you over and over and its horrible to feel so powerless against it. sometimes you really cant fight against it, but it doesnt mean you have to give in to it. when i feel so overwhelmed by things i try to do stuff to empty my mind as much as possible. for me it involves some really loud and offensive music to drown out the voices and thoughts, some art to get the feelings out, and writing to give form to the pain, to express my feelings. tv or films can be good too, as can books to lose yourself into another world and just for a while, to be somewhere and maybe someone else.

xxx

[zora]

Shelley

Know it might sound loopy but do you have any old plates that you can smash in the kitchen or garden - assuming your neighbours aren't going to call the cops!

Totally get your frustration - wish we could both go on a plate-smashing expedition together. Put the b*stards' pictures on a tree and shoot arrows at them. Wow, I think I should start a venting weekend business. Sorry, lol, bit loopy.

hairah xxxx

[Shelley]

I don/t have any old plates I could smash unfortunately. But hubby is going out for a few hours to avoid seeing my C.P.N. at 09:00 (she is going to try and pursade him to do family therapy with me) so when she leaves I will play some loud and offensive music, see if that helps.

I do feel like taking a hammer to the house and totally trashing it.....but I won't....lol.

I didn/t wake up shaking today, which is an improvement.

Thanks all for your sussegtions, I will re-read them after my music therapy, and after seeing my C.P.N. I might be able to take in what you/ve all been saying then!

Thanks.

[Shelley]

Talked to my C.P.N. and she thinks this may have been triggered by two things.

1/ Someone I was at school with killed himself last week, he had Bi-Polar, and even though I havn/t seen him in about 10 years, It sub-conciously effected me.

2/ My mum and her partner went to stay at my half-brothers home at the weekend, he s/a me, so maybe that screwed my head up.

Anyway, I listened to some Eminem and Linkin Park, (sorry neighbours lol) and blitzed the house with a spring clean, and had a bath, got dressed, and I do feel better. Even put some make-up on!

I re-read all the posts and It makes more sense to me now, I think you are all incredably kind to spend a bit of time talking to me. I wasn/t very recepitive yesterday, sorry about that.

Thanks everyone. Take care of yourselves. I know you are all struggling with things, the same as I am, we all have something in common.

I think this forum is a God send; I really do!

[Rael]

doe sound like those thing may have had an effect. i often find that when i look back dodgy times (manic and depressed) then i can see things that happened that i hadnt really consciously thought of at the time but i know will most likely have had a big impact on how i was thinking.

loud music is always a good idea and im glad you feel better now. you dont have to apologize for not being receptive or anything, when the mood takes you i know how hard it can be to see things clearly.

xxx

[zora]

Hey Shelley - we may be kind but we're really just people who "know",

Probably putting myself in the sh*t because I can only account for myself really. No wonder you've been triggered - not down to you babe, work through it if you can please. (OK so there's the mum part of me glaring out but hey - sending you a big cuddle.)

Green Day's a good one - maybe?

hairah xxxx

[Shelley]

Yeah Green Day, Dead Kennedys, Sex Pistols, Motorhead, and Kaiser Chiefs, aswell as a bit of Nirvana, are all good for clearing away the cobwebs. lol.

And yeah, that's just it....you KNOW, therefore the advice given is quality, and not bloody text book.