Different Types Of Abuse And Neglect

[roxy222]

I haven't had a chance to look at the book but I wonder if you can relate to this. I was not abused as such but in my family I got 'love' as in everyone else says I was loved but it was never personal to me. In my mind therefore it was actually that my Mum fulfilled her responsibility. She has never even looked at me in a way that made me feel loved. I find it so hard to explain. Its like--of course I love you because you are my daughter- but I don't know or like you. So really this is not love at all.

Do you know what I mean--there was no real attachment/

Hi weds

Yes, I relate completely to that. The words were there, but the feeling wasnt. Reading the description of disorganised attachment made it so clear why that was the case, and as bibiddi said - its one of the hardest to spot. Its still hard to spot - within ourselves too when we are adults. I suppose the thing that I feel Im getting out of this is that we knew what we felt, but it didnt match with what we were told we should be feeling. I think where you say about "I dont know or like you" - that pretty much sums up how I always felt too. Now that I have read this particular definition of neglect, and drawn the similarities between how I am and what D.N causes, I feel validated. I always felt like "oh its not ABUSE - thats like being left in a gutter, and being burned and beaten etc" so I dismissed what was really there. But now, reading this book, I can see that it was a particular type of neglect that is recognised as damaging.

Added to this was my dads violent temper, distance and unpredicatbility - though he too could sometimes brighten up. Its the fact that there WERE islands of good that makes my mind invalidate and dismiss any thoughts that ANYTHING was bad. This is the extreme difficulty with the more subtle forms of neglect.

I get really mad when people say oh thats not abuse/neglect. when adults choose to be parents they owe their chidlren a debt, they are responsibile for meeting all of their needs and not doing so in any way is very damaging for a child. Im so sick of people who disregard the importance of child development, and the continual necessity of love and consideration for that to be possible

[roxy222]

I am learning how to accept that people can only give so much, and that if they cant quite give what I need emotionally, I can also ask others for help

This is kind of off topic (sorry) but in regards to what you said, why can some people not emotionally give enough? Is it only with people who have mh issues needing more emotional support than many people can give or is it that some people just don't have the capacity to be caring and empathetic individuals?

xxx

I have personally learnt that unless someone grows up in an environment with positive conditions of worth, where empathy is encouraged it decreases a persons ability to be empathic.

I think it's also a nature versus nurture debate. But personally, i believe if someone grew up in a fmaily where empathy wasn't encouraged, then it's not a quality that is encouraged to grow or be used.

Each person is different obviously, some are capable of giving more than others, some are more willing to give than others, and some have more to give. Mixed with people with mh issues, particularly BPD who by nature are attention seekers, demand more than the average 'healthy' person... a mix of someone who isn't willing or able to give, and a person who needs more than the average person....is not condusive to an empathic, supportive, encouraging, congruent relationship. In my opinion.

this is true, but when you learn how to have empathy and compassion for yourself it becomes very automatic to apply that to others

[roxy222]

been reading these posts on attachment, how the way youve been brought up affects what kind of person you are.

and irealised when i think about attachment i think of it terms of my mother.

but attachment, reading the david howe presentation on powerpoint

is the relationship between the child and the primary care-figure, not both parents.

my dad.

i just naturally assumed it would be my mother. but even though i dont ask, i know it would be my father, 'cause my mum's doing long, long working hours since i was born, or even before, cant remember, so my dad has to be the one bringing me up the most from birth, being the last child out of three.

in that case i might have had a different psychological development to the one i thought i had.

my father was, i say was because he has seriously mellowed out towards his kids in the the latest years, angry, a lot. just i remember the primary emotion was just anger.

my dad was volatile. he's kick off for no reason (i cant understand, even now why he'd be really pissed off) a number of times. i remember once a friend, consider that had virtually no friends of my own age, give me a souvenir from a holday, and he thought i didnt deserve it, and threw it away. yelling at me, and my sister.

that is one (the only one time i can remember in that kind of detail, memories of childhood are few, and also 'cause it 4 in the morning) that he'd be "irrationally" angry at me. but as i recall it happened a lot, as i remember him being angry primarily.

other people just thought he was a great guy. friendly generous, even quite well tempered. a great dad. smart and nice. he brought up kids who did the chores, behaved, unlike their own kids.

he was so angry with like that, i once wondered , looking at old photos, if he would have been happier, before we were born, and that our existence made him and my mother terribly unhappy.

dont get me worng, i rationally know my dad's not a bad guy, he's my dad. he brought us up. i suppose he didnt have to. consciously i know that if someone puts food in your mouth, and shelter over your head for 20 years, they must care.

but like someone said he didnt know us, and (98%) or like us.

he probably thought for most of our young lives that it wasnt necessary to know what was going on inside our head even as babies, and thought it better if we became independent asap. its sort him thinking adults are superior to children. their thoughts and opinions, my dad being the man of house, he decides, he being around the most, decides how we are disciplined, how we behave, what we eat, wear etc. he ruled. not just over us kids, but over my mum as well, 'cause she was overruled.

nowadays, i feel anxious a lot, have problems with the interpersonal (am in group therapy for people with personality-disordered problems), and one of the things is i cant deal with angry people. sometimes self-harmed if people were angry with me etc.

and i wondered why my consultant keep going back to my dad, eh? thought he was just looking for bad stuff to blame... lol

again, this stuff has been useful and really bloody good reading!

although the process of attachment happens with the primary carer (and can be strengthened by all positive care) it is important to remember that the process of attachemnt is supposed to take place with the mother. the process of attachment begins before birth, a mother who is happy to be pregnant and looking forward to caring for her child will take much greater care of herself, prepare in advance for labour and is less likely to need medical interventions, which can damage attachment, breast feeding and bonding. labour is very truamatic for a child, being pumped full of drugs makes this worse, being immediately seperated from the mother, being put under bright lights and subjected to tests is terrifying for a new born. Mothers who are keen to care for their child are more likely to plan natural births and value the importance of their childs first day in this world. the only thing a new born has to orientate itself in this world is the smell of their mother so its vital for their survival to be placed in the arms of their mother. breastfeeding is also massively important, when a baby latches on their is a very special chemical in their saliver that signals the mothers body to produce exactly the right balance of nutrients at any given time, of massively more value than some tin that sits on a shelf for years, not even designed for a soecific baby, not even human milk. its also very important in bonding and breastfeeding as and when the baby needs creates healthy attachment as it fosters the security that a baby needs to develope. babys who are allowed to wean in their own time show healthier patterns of attachment, healthier eating patterns and are massively less likely to be at risk of addictive behaviours as an adult. co sleeping is as equally importnat, a babys breathing system is not foul proof, they often stop breathing naturally but if they are in close contact to their mother then her breathing will trigger the babys body to take another breath. being kept in the mothers arms during the day time is importnat for the same reason. obviously life is not allways this simple, some mothers cant breatfeed, have medicalised births for no fault of their own and some have to return to work earky on. its not that fathers cant foster a very healthy attachemnt but that they need to take seriously how importnat this natural process is. a baby who does not get the opportuity to have a healthy bond with the mother as nature intended will be at greater risk if the father or other care giver does not value the importance of the babys loss of thsi vital first life experience, and does not take extra special care to make up this loss where ever possible. the lack of value your father had for your wellbeing is likely to have been all the more damaging because you did not have this valuable bonding experience with your mother and he did not take this loss seriously. have a read of birth without violence, its free on the net if you google it and is very enlightening. as is the continuium concept although I think that has to be bought.

[roxy222]

oh and anyone more intrested in attachment theory and its links to dissociative disorders should have a look at the following

www.tag-uk.net

www.valeriessinason.com/contents

www.empty-memories.nl/

[walker]

I always felt like "oh its not ABUSE - thats like being left in a gutter, and being burned and beaten etc" so I dismissed what was really there. But now, reading this book, I can see that it was a particular type of neglect that is recognised as damaging.

Added to this was my dads violent temper, distance and unpredicatbility - though he too could sometimes brighten up. Its the fact that there WERE islands of good that makes my mind invalidate and dismiss any thoughts that ANYTHING was bad. This is the extreme difficulty with the more subtle forms of neglect

i am struggling with this very same thing every minute of every day, almost

and the war inside my head is raging as they will not back down