Wonderfull Recovery

[Grendelsmom]

Hi!

I am a recovered/recovering BD personality. About 2 years ago I was re-diagnosed as Major depressive with BDP traits. Everyday I get a little better, a little stronger. I recently bought a house, I’m a black belt in kung fu, I know how to control my weight safely, I have a billion hobbies and for the first time in my life actual goals. I actually can name things that I want, really really want. One of those things is a puppy that I’ll be getting Tomorrow night!

I’ll have to see if I can link a pic of him from my Face book later.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been underwater or frozen for a really long time. Now it’s like I woke up and I can connect my body with my sole and work on things that matter to me. I can name things that matter to me.

Anyway, it can be exhausting because I literally have a ton of projects in the air. My home is a 90+ year old renovation. I love it! Pulling off all the new stuff that was put on and finding the old original parts, then making those parts new again. I’m hosting my friends Web show, “Hit like a girl” which gives all sorts of how to tips, like how to run a belt sander, how to fix a seized garbage disposal. Then I got the Puppy, I got Pheasants coming and of course as always I am working on my 2nd black belt in Kung fu. I’m happy; happier then I’ve ever been, but I am getting Tired. Some of my push is I am trying to make up for lost time. Some of it is just passion… it’s so hard for me NOT to do these things they do make me happy.

The most terrifying blood curdling thing however is IAN . I’ve been dating a bit, and going to my local pub on Fridays. I meet Ian. He’s missing half his face from a car accident 6 months ago. He slid his motorcycle and lost his face on the back end of an SUV. Let’s say he would make a great 2-face from the batman comics. But I think he’s beautiful. I can’t help it, I look at his poor reconstructed face and just see beauty. Pretty brown eyes and a smile that just kills me. He’s a corporal in the marines and an inventor. He is so excellently nice to me and makes me laugh and laugh. He came to see me spar that was really touching. (even if I didn’t do to good in my fight.) He helps me all the time. He is really special. Oh and he isn’t perfect, no he’s a bit of a germ phobe and a tad OCD. I think they are both from being a marine though. He is a bit on the skinny side and very hard to read on occasion. It’s really hard for me to think of anything about him that I really don’t like. OH well sometimes he doesn’t let me finish a story. Well be talking and every once in a while something I was going to say never really gets finished. It’s not a big deal but I can honestly say I do not like that. ((Thank GOD I could come up with something)) I admit I am Idealizing him a bit, but were in the first week of a “sex on fire” relationship… a little idealizing is to be expected. I just got to focus on the big picture.

Anyway I think it’s obvious why I am so afraid. Feeling like this about a person for me is like playing with fire. Sometimes I get really anxious about the relationship, about how strongly I feel and I think about hurting myself… just to make all the strong feelings make since. I realized that I hurt myself as a cover… I can be upset about having an injury but I can’t let people or perhaps myself know that I am actually upset because I am feeling such strong emotions. For instance and this is only a fantasy: I think about smashing up my face and then telling Ian I got beat up… so that he’ll comfort me about being afraid of the relationship…Ah BDP is it not the most confusing of disorders. The nice thing is I pieced together why I was wanting to pretend I got beat up. It’s like I can’t just express my emotions and trust that people will take them seriously. I have to create a hyper melodramatic serenio so I feel comfortable exposing all the emotions I was feeling anyway.

So… Getting Beat up makes a person feel, frightened, vulnerable, weak, violated.

Starting a relationship with Ian makes me feel all of those things too. And you know… those are all NORMAL. It all makes sense except for the violated part. Well… only slightly violated, it’s not like I was thinking about rape, just a beating. Still… Violated?

Maybe not Violated, maybe out of control. Like they can’t control what is going to happen to them. That makes sense, I am very afraid of loosing control, that’s the whole core of it in a sence:

Loosing control by:

Loosing my goals and wishes

Which makes me more BDP

Which makes me more dependent

Which makes me loose control

Ok. SO. That’s the line in the sand. I can feel as strongly as I want to about him, but I can’t sacrifice any of my other goals. I can’t drop anything, I got to squeeze him in, and I got to believe that if he wants in he’ll learn how to squeeze. I love journaling.

You guys think I got it figured out? OH That's Grendel my baby puppy!!!

[Rael]

you pack a lot into your time, i think its understandable that you may feel tired either physically or mentally. i know when you are able to do things its easy to feel you have to make up for lost time or cram as much in as you can but if you are feeling stable then that feeling isnt necessarily going anywhere and sometimes pushing too hard even though its to do good things can still end up taking too much out of you. im not saying you should stop doing things as they are making you happy, but do make sure you have time just to be and not always do.

new relationships always bring about a lot of turmoil and if you havent known each other all that long then there may still be some uncertainty. just that bit thats not able to feel comfortable expressing feelings. if you are someone who already had difficulty expressing themselves then the situation just increases the anxiety. the one likely thing to ease that is time. get to know one another and feel comfortable and hopefully after a while you will feel ok about expressing your emotions for what they are and not in reaction to some event like getting beaten up. getting to know someone like that leave you open, vulnerable and i think is natural for it to cause you anxiety.

you seem very driven and i have no doubt that Ian is well aware of this, he is with you and i think that means he is happy with who you are and the goals you have. i think you are right in that he will find a place to squeeze in and i hope he will become one of the many parts of your life that bring you happiness.

xxx

[Grendelsmom]

you pack a lot into your time, i think its understandable that you may feel tired either physically or mentally. i know when you are able to do things its easy to feel you have to make up for lost time or cram as much in as you can but if you are feeling stable then that feeling isnt necessarily going anywhere and sometimes pushing too hard even though its to do good things can still end up taking too much out of you. im not saying you should stop doing things as they are making you happy, but do make sure you have time just to be and not always do.

new relationships always bring about a lot of turmoil and if you havent known each other all that long then there may still be some uncertainty. just that bit thats not able to feel comfortable expressing feelings. if you are someone who already had difficulty expressing themselves then the situation just increases the anxiety. the one likely thing to ease that is time. get to know one another and feel comfortable and hopefully after a while you will feel ok about expressing your emotions for what they are and not in reaction to some event like getting beaten up. getting to know someone like that leave you open, vulnerable and i think is natural for it to cause you anxiety.

you seem very driven and i have no doubt that Ian is well aware of this, he is with you and i think that means he is happy with who you are and the goals you have. i think you are right in that he will find a place to squeeze in and i hope he will become one of the many parts of your life that bring you happiness.

xxx

Thanks Dearest,

Oh I know... I push push push. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's too far. My Dad, who in my adult life has been a great support, is always telling me not to be such a maniac. He means maniac with love, basically he almost sounds proud, but he means hey stop running around so fast! I think the real problem is when I start to get Frantic... it starts to all come down on me at once... That is generally when I curl up in bed with my 2 cats and watch the daily show. I have a bit of a rule, if I start to feel like I have to do everything right now; it's a real good time to do nothing. Sometimes I feel like my friends just take the wind out of me. A close friend seems to be going through a lot right now, but I have also noticed that she is a bit of a drama queen. Sometimes I wonder if things are as bad as she says… it’s like I can smell my old lies and attention seeking behavior coming off her. I love her but sometimes I just can’t take her calls. But with that she is teaching me SO MUCH. To be on the other end of the need stick, it’s amazing.

haha I am the Queen of difficulty expressing myself! It takes hours of quiet contemplation just to figure out what I am feeling some times. And some feelings don’t have to be expressed. That’s why posting, journaling and blogging help so much, it gives me time to sort it all out.

[Rael]

good idea to sit and do nothing for a bit when you feel the need to do everything, give yourself to calm it down and take things one step at a time. i find it frustrating when i want to do everything at once because i cant decide what to do first so its good to take a step back.

if you think your friend may be a bit of a drama queen do you know if theres a reason behind it. generally if someone is seeking attention its for a reason and they may not be doing it in a helpful way and i know it can be difficult to deal with but im sure that if you recognized things in what you used to do then you know there may be something else behind it. you need to take care of yourself first though, its hard to deal with someone doing that and its good that you sometimes dont take the calls. its good that you are learning from it though, it does make you look at things differently when oyu are on the other end of it.

sometimes we need to sit down and give thought to whats going on and how we feel, its not something always easily identified and as you said, writing things down and getting them out can be a big help.

xxx