Hospital

[Roses]

So no matter how I move on with my life I am still getting flashbacks to when I was in mental health ward and it sends me into a panic everytime as the feelings of despair overwhelm me and drag me down. I have tried to ignore the memories and move on, I have tried talking about them and trying to make a connection and now I am just balancing on the edge and am sooooo scared I might tip over and end up there again I truly believe I would kill myself rather than be in that hell hole again. How can they justify treating people like that. People who are in jail to serve for their crimes have better facilities available to them than people who are 'incarcerated' on a mental health ward. I don't know how they have the nerve to say it is helping anyone. It is not the same in all hospitals but in ours you sat and sat and sat some more and drank lots of tea. No therapy sessions no real art therapy and absolutely no stimulation at all. There was art available but it was the same thing on a weekly basis and was really basic, insultingly basic. The beds on the ward were rock hard, the food was awful and we were mainly in wards of 6 women with only 4 rooms available for the really ill. I truly believe that ward could accuratley be described as 'hell' as we all sat around waiting for our weekly ward round determining our destiny.

I managed to successfully escape 5 times I was so desperate for something to help and was convinced that being dead was better than being there a minute longer. But how can we change this situation when the NHS is stretched to breaking point and there is no more money in the pot???

[catspiracy]

I have never been in the actual ward, I was "5150'd" by my ex bf once (sat in the pool, got interrogated by the doc on duty, forced to take meds and give them my parent's phone number, then sent to sit in a room full of aqua-colored dentist chairs that made anyone who sat in them look like mental patients and there was only ...ok i kid you not, LOONEY TUNES on the caged television set.) So to that extent, I know how you feel. It was touch and go whether or not I'd give them the crazy show in Observation. I can only imagine what it was like to be in the actual ward.

At the same time, I feel so utterly overwhelmed sometimes with "normal" life and long for the safety of having absolutely nothing expected from me.

I don't know what to tell you except this:

No matter how they treated you in there, it's on THEM not on YOU! Ok, so you have some mental health issues, overall your mind is so clear and so kind and so full of love and hope!

I long for other times and places. The Native American cultures sing to my soul. My mother, an amateur anthropologist, likes to tell about how the Navajo discipline wrongdoers in their community: they form a circle around them, channeling the full force of community love at them, telling them how their higher self is and that they have faith that the animal body will act as its higher self/souls decree!!!!

Now THAT is therapy! I'm so sorry you had to spend all that time in HELL when all you really need is validation, support, and brainfood!!!!!!!

many hugs and all my love,

cat

[saphyreraine]

It sounds awful. Really traumatic for you. I am sorry your experience of hospital was such a nightmare.... xx

[Angel123]

Im sorry to hear that it was so bad for you.

I have never actually been in hospital. Only had the crisis team involved and a very understanding social worker ( now ex sw).

I can imagine what it is like as i have a friend who has ben in quite a few times, the last time was 7 weeks and she was out about a month and now she has just been admitted again.

I am in contact with her.

But sometimes i find myself feeling jealous of her being in there as i would like to be somewere safefrom myself and the world.

The times i persuaded my sw that i did not need it and to not mention it, but secretly wishing someone would just send me anyway.

Sorry if this is totally irrelivant......

[Faerielight]

roses it sounds horrendous and traumatic your stay.. I can understand the fear of going back there when you're not feeling well..

I was lucky with my 1 hospital stay in that there were no beds in the local hell hole psyc hosp so at the time my pct sent me to the priory for a month.. it was good in tht i had a fair bit of therapy, but it was still aful at times as i couldnt get out of there..

my nurse says no matter how bad i get she wont put me in my local hosplital cos she saidit would be hell for me..

my psyc hospital has a 6 week day crisis programme.. its a bit pants but ive done it a few times as an alternative admission..

I'm really sorry you're tormented by psyc hospital.. do u talk it through with your mental health worker??

hugs, faerie xx

[Rael]

i spend so long trying not to let the memories come back in and its the oddest thing that triggers me with it, a song someone sang, or even the song playing on the music channel when i first came home. it tears your soul and rends your body, i throw up, cry, shake, am blinded by the torrent of painful thoughts and memories of what happened . it doesnt tke much to set it off and its just horrible. somewhere thats supposed to keep you safe and all it does it send oyu home with nothing fixed and more trauma to carry. i will never go in voluntarily and i would rather die than be forced. never again, im sorry that the experience is causing you such pain

xxx

[Roses]

thank you all for your hoest replies.

Rael, I empathise with you babe and my hubbie has said that he woul never let me go in there again, but in the real world I know they can make you. I too, will never go in again voluntarily.

[Dani]

hiroses...sorry your experience was so bad hun.

have you talked through your experience of it with someone?

xxx

[Roses]

I have talked a bit about it with hubbie, i think when i was in there i talked to him bout it quite a lot at visiting time but i lost the memory of a lot of my time in there so is a bit hazy. That is what I find wierd. I have opened up bout i yet still get this stuff going on. Guess it'll just take time.

[Shelley]

Hey Roses;

Your hospital sounds awfull; I have the complete oppisite of you, when im feeling bad I crave being in the hospital....weird ah!

I like it there, I have alot of freinds that are in and out of there, the staff are lovely, and the rooms are clean and comfortable, the living area is huge with a wide screen T.V. leather sofas, games, art stuff, D.V.D.s, theres a room for Karioke, and a quiet room. It has a lovely garden where you can smoke, the food is shite, so hubby used to bring me ready meals to microwave.

They had same sex wards one for the men one for the women.

They had therapy of different sorts on every day on the ground floor, you could access a computer, do art, keep fit, a gym, loads of stuff, or you could just stay in bed and duvet dive, untill you felt better.

I was in there for two years at one time, and the longest I was there *under section* without home leave was 4 months. My C.P.N. says I am "grossly instututionalised" so they won't admit me now unless It Is a total last resort.

Sorry your experience was awfull, I hope you can eventually forget about it, when were you last addmitted?

Shelley.

[Dani]

I have talked a bit about it with hubbie, i think when i was in there i talked to him bout it quite a lot at visiting time but i lost the memory of a lot of my time in there so is a bit hazy. That is what I find wierd. I have opened up bout i yet still get this stuff going on. Guess it'll just take time.

yeah the more you talk and work through this as time goes on i'm sure it will become a little easier to face...you went through a lot so give yourself time.

xxxx

[Roses]

Thanks Dani, your support is lovely to have.

Shelley - your hospital sounds like heaven compared to the one we have here. I was first admitted Nov 2006 and was 2007 spent most of it in and out with longest stay being 5 months but total of year spent 'inside' was about 7 months. 2 years is a long time honey! xxx

[Shelley]

Yeah I know, they had me coshed on high levels of Clorpromazine, hardly knew what day it was. lol

[Shelley]

Oh yeah I forgot once a week a lady would come in and give you a manicure, and hand out face masks, so we'd all sit around with our nails all done, with face masks on, trying not to laugh! XD

[wednesday]

Roses,

Yo must have been pretty traumatised anyway or you wouldn't have been in there. I have the same sort of flashbacks as you. I wasn't even acting as me there, it was the type of place which took away your humanity and brought out my worst side. Your question is , how do we move on? Well for me, I keep that as a warning to myself to work really hard to keep wel. When I am tempted to go down the road of a little self harm or dieting or whatever it is, I kow that I cannot allow myself to play with that top, because ultimately I don't wnat to be the 'me ' that was in there.

Keep it at a distance-- It is not your life now.

[bumblepipi]

Dear Roses I ca n really relate to awful time in hossy. Have been in a variety none of them nice. When I was addmitted after the birth of my first son there wernt really any facilities for mum and baby. It was the coldest most depressing place in the univerese. After my 4 month stay My CPN said that she cried when she left me there. The staff did try and be nice but I still have horrendous flashbacks. Not so lg ago I was sectioned and admitted to our local psych hossy. The casulaty dept was awful they treated me like a leper and it took them about a week to verify that my elbow was actually broken. That had happened when the police picked me up. They would not take the handcuffs off me even though i begged because the pain was so severe. In that time they also made me go to the loo in handcuffs and because they had given me something to make me sick I ended up puking and peeing myself at the same time. It was humiliating. I have a deep mistrust of the police as a result.

In the Hossy we all walked around like caged animals with nothing to do. There were some therapies we could do like pottery and art but again so limited I just gave up and tried to sleep my way through. Once I managed to escape and my H found me and put me back in. He said it killed him as the place was so dire. Due to lack of nothing to do my mind played tricks on me and I ended up doing all kinds of crap just because I think i was bored. It was hell I never want to go there again. They put me on a selection of meds that I seemed to be allergic to and I kept having fits. Consequently very little trust in any mental health teams. When I left a big cock in a suit told my hu sb and I need firm boundaries I wish I had had the guts to kill him. Instead I behave myself and pretend I am better.

UI'd love to go to a nice place and have a breajk from me but unless your fucking AMy Whinehouse nobody really gives a shit. Sorry bit of a rant. Roses so sorry you had such a bad time, Flashbacks are horrendous I wish I could take away your pain. xB

[Roses]

Thanks Wednesday will try and remember it is not who I am now.

Bumble - I am truly sorry you had such an awful lot of experiences and thank you for saying you want to take away my pain. Is good to rant now and then. U feel any better for it? Yes, the police are a bunch of bastards. One told me I don't look like all the others on the ward and I didn't belong there so I should get better and get out!! So cos I'm pretty I can't be mentally ill? He came in to talk to me cos I'd absconded and took and overdose not cos they'd found me singing with the woodland fucking creatures...

Jesus, some people are just complete and utter twats.

[successful_workthru]

WOW, it seems like you had a horrible experience on the psych ward.

Last year, I was getting bullied and I got suicidal.

As I was deemed a risk to myself, having a history of self destructive behaviour, I got section 2'd.

Dunno what country you are in, in the UK, section 2 means confined to the ward.

I was hospitalized on the nhs and the psych hospital is in the countryside. Although secure, and fenced in, the views were gorgeous, the food lush, and I got to have a big hot bath every day. YUM.

I got the vibe that you should feel safe in hospital. Thats why I got sectioned to feel safe from myself.

Other than a couple of small rucks with patients, which were instantly smoothed out, I think my short 2 week stay was needed.

Could you not have asked for assistance in hospital. I was anxious and very aggitated on admission, but all my questions got answered, and although the nurses were busy, they did their best to reassure me.

Some patients even comforted me when I got upset, and gave me sweets and fags, and a nice handmade garment.

Have you a care co-ordinator, or a key worker/cpn? who you could voice your concerns with.

I lost the plot with a nurse who I thought was winding me up, by shining a torch in my room, and keeping waking me up. When I asked if they were torturing me, they reminded me, gently, as I was on a section 2, the nurse was checking I was still ok, so I apologised for my outburst.

Better have someone check I am ok, than ignoring me, and risking me self harming, or worse still, having them take things away so I dont harm.

Once I knew they had my safety paramount, I was fine.

I am agorophobic, so was happy to sit on the ward (it had an enclosed outside bit to smoke in) and stare at the lovely scenery around. I guess, if you like to be out and about, it would be stressful to be confined to a ward.

If you dont feel unsafe from yourself, then I guess, being confined to a ward would feel frustrating, too, in this respect. Especialy if the hospital is not in pleasant grounds.

My care co-ordinator, is also my art therapist, and is based at the hospital I was sectioned on. Their art room was awesome, all the coloured shiny paper, paints, and glitter, I was like a kid in a candy store.

If arts not your thing, that may bore.

There was a gym at our hospital, but I never got there, as I am not in to gym, but another lady there enjoyed it.

There were other patients who liked writing and reading.

I spent loads of time in my room writing and drawing.

I slept alot, and built a bit of an appetite back.

Our beds were rock hard too, nowt like your own bed at home though.

I hope something in the above helps, but hospital stays are supposed to heal, not make you worse, so I hope you find the help you deserve to feel better.

[Shelley]

Sometimes I need to be in hospital just to stop me from walking in front of a train.

[Roses]

Shelley - that is precisely why I was there.

Successful - thank you for your well thought out reply and I really do appreciate your support. It means to much to get support on here and I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't know where you are in the UK, but I am in the UK also. The mh ward (for females) had 4 dorms of 6 beds and only 4 single rooms for the really poorly. It was cold, stark and the food was awful. I wouldn't feed it to the dogs. The 'art' was a set programme so on mon you did same as every other mon, tues was same etc.. and on fri was bingo so wasn't even art. The equipment was knackered and crap and it was nothing like your wonderful art room was. It was insulting. There was no gym and no view. All you could see from any window was other buildings or a car park. I was in here for the first time for one night, then it was for 2 weeks then for about 2 months I think. I was briefly in a much better place for 2 weeks as normal ward was full but then was back in hell for 5 months. Some patients were friendly but by and large I got upset all the time and triggered by them. I appreciate why I was there but the actual care was awful. Some staff were quite helpful but there were horrible bullies there and on my 2 weeks in psychiatric intensive care I was left alone with a patient who came onto me and tried to get me to have sex with him. My husband went mad as i was supposed to be supervised there cos i was so ill and didn't know what was going on really.