The Anxiety And Fear Is Building

[Wobbles]

Hi everyone. I really need to talk about this. I've realised i'm doing my usual and keeping my feelings inside, which is only adding to the anxiety and fear.

My husband has been off work for 2 months as he lost his job in January. It means he's been here all day everyday helping me with our son. We've decided we're going to go back to Australia, we feel it's best for us for the long term future. However, we decided that for the short term future it's better to stay here, and by short term i mean for the next 3 to 6 months. My husband was offered a job yesterday, which he accepted. Which is great, he'll be bringing in a lot more money than what he was getting on the single rate of JSA etc so we'll be able to pay off a debt and put money away to go to Australia. We've also borrowed money from my Gran to be able to go back to Aus.

I'm happy my husband has a job. He was getting very depressed sitting at home. He's excited about it, and it's doing something he enjoys. He'll be gone from around 8am till 6:30pm everyday. And i'm shitting myself!!

My anxiety and fear is building at an alarming rate. I have my periods which is also contributing to my mood, but i'm scared of being left alone with my son, all day everyday. He's 19 months, and very active. It takes a lot to keep him entertained these days, and has been getting quite clingy lately. I have no friends or family here in the the UK, and my social anxieties prevent me from being able to go to tots groups etc. I'm isolated, with no one to call on if i need help.

In my husbands previous job, we lived 3 doors away from where he worked, and he worked for hs 'mate' which meant he could come home whenever i needed him to. He won't be able to with this new job. I'll be on my own. This is the first time i've allowed myself to think about and work through my feelings around something like this.

I get stressed and angry very quickly, especially when my son is playing up, and he picks up on this. I'm so scared. I am scared i'm not going to be able to cope. That i'll get stressed, angry, and start shouting at my son. That i can't have a bad day without it affecting my son and i have no one to call on for help or company. I will have no time to myself to shut down even for 5 minutes to recharge. I don't know, i guess i'm trying to figure out the reasons for my fear. But all i keep coming to is panic and real fear, and sickening anxiety. I just want to cry now.

I don't know what to do. I have the option of going to Australia with my son, ahead of my husband. And he join us in 3 months or so, but is that really fair on him to be away from our son for so long? Leaving him here to take care of the bills and packing up the house etc so that i can be around my family and friends in Australia? I'm worried that if i stay here, and my husband works all day long, i'll get depressed and mental again like i was last year, fall apart, get suicidal, and want to run away again. I've lost so much of my sons short life already to being depressed and suicidal, and i just don't feel strong enough right now to be able to cope on my own all day everyday.

I'm having bad dreams again which are affecting my moods a lot, and having memory issues too. I'm feeling really fragile, and fucked up, or at least on the downward spiral towards being very fucked up again, which scares me too.

I don't know what to do. :huh:

[Dani]

Hi,

Have you spoken to your husband about the option of you going ahead of him.If he is okay with that then i think it's a good idea to consider it.You need support from your family and friends right now.Whats important is that you don't get like you was last year...for all of your sakes.So maybe that extra bit of support is what you need right now.you said it yourself that you dont feel strong enough right now.

Discuss this with your husband and i'm sure he will just want what is best for you and your son.

x

[Wobbles]

Hi,

Have you spoken to your husband about the option of you going ahead of him.If he is okay with that then i think it's a good idea to consider it.You need support from your family and friends right now.Whats important is that you don't get like you was last year...for all of your sakes.So maybe that extra bit of support is what you need right now.you said it yourself that you dont feel strong enough right now.

Discuss this with your husband and i'm sure he will just want what is best for you and your son.

x

Thanks Dani.

I haven't spoken to my husband about how i'm feeling. I'm scared to tell him because i know it will make him feel guilty and put even more pressure on him which he doesn't need right now. My depression and BPD has been really hard one him over the last year.

I'm feeling like i 'should' be able to cope, that i'm being even more selfish, that if i stay here until we all go to aus, that i'm going to make life difficult for him, but if i go ahead of him, it will be really hard one him. I feel like he'd be better off without me completely.

I'm just so confused, i don't know what i want and i don't know how i really feel, apart from scared.

[Wobbles]

I'm feeling rather let down guys. I was hoping for a bit more support i guess, and i'm feeling a bit like no one really cares unless i'm screaming for help, and saying i'm going to sh or kill myself.

I have a real problem here, but i guess everyone has enough of their own stuff to deal with.

[Rael]

i am at work during the day and so only generally on around this time of night. i know its frustrating when you need support but it quite often does take some time to get replies if people who are online dont know what to say. some people only come online every couple of days and a lot who come online use chat rather than post. trying not to get offended by the last line, may not be what you meant but it sounds like you are implying that other problems are not real. i have reacted similarly too though when i have needed help so i can understand where the frustration comes from.

i do think you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling. it does sound like you could do with the comfort of having friends and family around you and if there are things that need sorting in aus then maybe you could say that you will sort them out while he gets things sorted this end. its better to do that than to find yourself really struggling on your own. i hope that you are able to discuss it with him and that will at least consider it.

xxx

[Dani]

Hi,

Have you spoken to your husband about the option of you going ahead of him.If he is okay with that then i think it's a good idea to consider it.You need support from your family and friends right now.Whats important is that you don't get like you was last year...for all of your sakes.So maybe that extra bit of support is what you need right now.you said it yourself that you dont feel strong enough right now.

Discuss this with your husband and i'm sure he will just want what is best for you and your son.

x

Thanks Dani.

I haven't spoken to my husband about how i'm feeling. I'm scared to tell him because i know it will make him feel guilty and put even more pressure on him which he doesn't need right now. My depression and BPD has been really hard one him over the last year.

I'm feeling like i 'should' be able to cope, that i'm being even more selfish, that if i stay here until we all go to aus, that i'm going to make life difficult for him, but if i go ahead of him, it will be really hard one him. I feel like he'd be better off without me completely.

I'm just so confused, i don't know what i want and i don't know how i really feel, apart from scared.

i know you will find it hard to talk to him but i think it will take some of the pressure of you and you can make your decision together.You are going through a hard time right now and im sure your husband will just want to do what he can to support you.

xxx

[Wobbles]

i am at work during the day and so only generally on around this time of night. i know its frustrating when you need support but it quite often does take some time to get replies if people who are online dont know what to say. some people only come online every couple of days and a lot who come online use chat rather than post. trying not to get offended by the last line, may not be what you meant but it sounds like you are implying that other problems are not real. i have reacted similarly too though when i have needed help so i can understand where the frustration comes from.

i do think you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling. it does sound like you could do with the comfort of having friends and family around you and if there are things that need sorting in aus then maybe you could say that you will sort them out while he gets things sorted this end. its better to do that than to find yourself really struggling on your own. i hope that you are able to discuss it with him and that will at least consider it.

xxx

Hi Rael,

I woke up this morning, and thought about what i'd written and realised it could be taken very wrongly. I did not intend at all to imply that others' problems are not real. I was trying to say that 'This is a real problem for me' as in, 'This is a big problem for me'.. I meant real to mean big. SOrry to anyone who has been offended by that and i realise i should choose my words more carefully.

I'm going to talk to my hubby today while our son is at the childminder.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your support and understanding.

I apologise everyone, for my last comment on this thread.

[Dani]

let us know how you get on

xxx

[Rael]

sorry hun i didnt mean to make you feel bad, its my problem that i always feel i have to justify myself if ive not been online, i take things personally, thats not your fault and i shouldnt have taken it so bad. i realize you didnt mean it like that and reckon i was letting my feelings read into things. am glad you didnt shout at me and hope you dont feel too bad about it.

hope that you managed to talk to your hubby and that it went ok.

take care

xxx

[Wobbles]

sorry hun i didnt mean to make you feel bad, its my problem that i always feel i have to justify myself if ive not been online, i take things personally, thats not your fault and i shouldnt have taken it so bad. i realize you didnt mean it like that and reckon i was letting my feelings read into things. am glad you didnt shout at me and hope you dont feel too bad about it.

hope that you managed to talk to your hubby and that it went ok.

take care

xxx

Sorry Rael, i didn't see your response here. I hope you're ok. I understand where you're coming from *hugs*.

I spoke to hubby, we had a big long chat on Thursday. I spent most of it in tears, but i felt a lot better as i got a lot off my chest that i'd been needing to for a long time. It upset him, but he was trying not to show me and there is something he wants to talk to me about, but doesn't have the words yet. I'm a bit worried.

I've been a little better the last few days, however, i think i may have been dissociating. I've had a really weird sensation for the last few days, and now that it's Sunday, tomorrow is Monday, his first day of work, i feel absolutely awful. I feel like he's going to die tomorrow, not go to work. I'm worried, anxious, scared and panicking still. I want to go back to Australia, but i want us all to go.

He told me on Thursday, that he wouldn't take the job, that there was no point, he doesn't want me being unhappy and not coping. But i told him to take the job, that i'd find a way to muddle through. I'm in two minds. I want us to go now, but i know i'll feel guilty for making him give up the job. So i'm choosing my own mental anguish over the guilt of making him give it up, as usual. I still have no support network, no one to call, or drop in on, or ask for help in my crisis times, there is usually at least one a day. I have no friends and no family, i'm completely isolated. That makes me angry and sad and worried. I have my psychotherapist, that's all.

I don't know how i'm going to get through the next 3 months of his temporary contract, and i feel sick thinking about it. And the if he decides to stay on after the 3 months is up, i can't even think about.

I feel really weird like the world has started spinning the other way round, and we're just waiting for the tidal wave to catch up and hit. I want so much to run away but that's all i've ever done, and i want to deal with the reasons why i want to run away but it's too bloody hard and painful.

[bumblepipi]

I don't know whether you are under the Mental Health team but there are facilities available for peeps like us with kids who feel they could do with support. Along while ago I used to have someone come in and "help" it just gave me time to deal with my frustrations. There is also something called Homestart and this facility is for those people who have a child 0-5 i believe. They can help you wit anything from childcare, going to the park or shops. I don't know if you feel brave enough this could be a help for you making you feel supported and more sociable. xB

[Wobbles]

I don't know whether you are under the Mental Health team but there are facilities available for peeps like us with kids who feel they could do with support. Along while ago I used to have someone come in and "help" it just gave me time to deal with my frustrations. There is also something called Homestart and this facility is for those people who have a child 0-5 i believe. They can help you wit anything from childcare, going to the park or shops. I don't know if you feel brave enough this could be a help for you making you feel supported and more sociable. xB

Hi Bumble. No i'm not under the mental health team. My doctor knows i take prozac everyday and i see my psychotherapist once a week, but that's all. So i'm not officially mentally ill i guess, according to them. My BPD diagnosis was 8 years ago in Australia.

I have been in touch with Homestart last year. They didn't have any volunteers available for me at the time. I might get back in touch with them.

That's my biggest problem. Knowing that when i need someone to help, there is no one.

I'm struggling with trying to figure out whether to let myself feel what i'm feeling, even though i know it's silly, or do my usual, and either dissociate, or try and pretend i'm not feeling them, which only makes things worse. Either way, i feel like crap.

When i get suicidal, it's not that i want to die. It's that i'm so overwhelmed with fear, panic, anxiety, hurt, frustration, boredom etc etc that i just can't cope and want to run away. I can't seem to spend a complete day outside of my own head to be able to do what i need to do each day with my son. I want to be able to enjoy my time at home with him because i know it won't last forever, but i don't have the stamina to do it all day long. I get caught out, and when it's just me and my son, i won't have the opportunity to have time out so i can gather myself, like i can when hubby is home.

I've just been writing in my journal about it, but i don't feel any better. I'm just so panicked because i know i have no one to call on for help, i'm so scared of being left on my own. How stupid is that, for the first time, i've realised i really am afraid to be left on my own. I then get angry and resentful of my husband because he's left me, even though it's only to go to work because we need the money.

Our relationship is only just starting to get back on track and i know things will go down the toilet again.

I don't have Post Natal Depression damn it. My problems came back, after a few years of being well, after i had my son. And after i had my son is when life started to get really hard and lots of really shitty things happened, and i just couldn't cope with it all, as well as being a mum for the first time. England has ruined the past 16 months of my life, but i;m too scared to say that i want to go back to Australia. Fuck!! I feel completely trapped and imprisoned by myself!!

I think i need to go back to my GP and also talk to my psychotherapist tomorrow, and make it clear that i need more support.

[Nixie]

Hiya Wobbles! Definitely do tell your GP and your Psych that you need more help. Sometimes you need to be rather assertive with them. They only have so many resources to give out, but they'd rather give you the extra help now than risk you becoming more ill and needing hospital.

I've been doing this with my GP/Psych for years, and after several hospital stays, they know now that when I say I need extra help, I mean business. Good luck!

[bumblepipi]

Hey I can relate to how you feel. I am struggling to bring up two boys, my post natal depression never really went away and I was depressed before I had them. When I don't feel well I isolate myself. I have to take this as a sign that this is precisely when I have to ask for more help. I find it vvery hgard to ask. I hope you can do it for the sake of yourself and your boy. Sending positive thoughts your way. I also spend a lot of time on my own due to my H liking to spend every waking minute of his time working and helping other people. He worries about not spending enough time with the kids but I kind of have to fend for myself.

[catspiracy]

I think it's very important for you to have a daily routine so that you can cling to it no matter how you feel. That's how I manage to deal with being a stay at home mother. www.flylady.com has some great tips for stay-at-home-structure.

When my son was your son's age, I would go to fastfood restaurants with a "kids play area" you know, the kind with the climbing structure and tube slides. I could sit there by myself as he played happily with other kids his age, for the price of a Whopper hamburger. Also, we go together on nature walks or to parks where he runs around and I meditate on the trees. You can do this, you can get outside just enough for your son to be out and about, and you don't have to become part of some annoying "play group" that messes with your social anxiety. I have the same thing, and I can't stand those mothers groups, i have nothing in common with them other than procreating.

I find it critical to my mental state to latch on to a gratitude affirmation. It has to be one that I really feel, not a guilt-inducing one. For example, "I am grateful to my son for being so adorable and healthy." Or, "I am grateful that my husband enjoys his work so that I can stay home." Doing the half-smile and breathing through my chakras as I say my affirmations out loud really helps me feel good enough to have another go at quality time with the kids.

And don't try to be a "super-mom". 2 yr olds can do a lot of activities that you don't have to join in. A sandbox or space in the yard to play in the mud will allow them to entertain and learn "self soothing" at an early age.

be kind to yourself, if mom's not happy, nobody's happy, the saying goes!

love,

cat

[catspiracy]

oh and I forgot to mention, "quiet time". I don't know about you, but every afternoon around 4:30, I just can't take it anymore, so my kids know that's "quiet time". Everybody goes into their own room and shuts the door and does something quiet and solitary for about an hour. Then I come out refreshed enough to cope with making dinner.

Hope these ideas help. I didn't see this thread at first. I am very interested in talking with you as much as you like about your circumstances, hope you are feeling better/ more accepted.

love to you,

cat

[Wobbles]

Nixie, Bumble and Cat, thank you so much. I don't feel quite so alone now. I'm seeing my psych tomorrow and i'm going to be open with him. I'm also going to get in touch with Homestart again. I'll try and find my local surestart too.

And a daily routine is definitely what i need. Aswell as quiet time now that my son enjoys watching animated movies/shows and can sit quietly for at least half an hour.

Just have to plan my days so there's no room for panic and anxiety, and ask for more help.

Thank you all so much.

[Rael]

im glad you are going to talk to your psych and gp. i hope you are able to plan your days, good that your son can sit and watch something quietly for a bit, give you a little break. something i find helpful is to try and leave myself something nice to look forwards to doing near the end of the day, mine is curling up and putting music and tv on and reading a book (at same time,i know im odd - i blame my low attention span )

im mixed up with the dates of posts so not sure if you seeing psych tom or saw him today. hope it went ok if it was today and good luck if its tom

xxx