x-Bliss-x Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 I've dropped out a lot of the groups I was doing whilst in day patients. They're not compulsary but I always used to go. I stopped going when the depression was really bad and now I just don't want to be around other people. Everything and everyone pisses me off and I just want to be alone there. Since I've been restricting my food again the suicidal thoughts have become 'just wanting to die' instead of "I'm going to throw myself off this station platform in a minute!" which is a step-up from where I was and although I know WHY these thoughts have become easier to manage (i'm using my ED coping mechanisms again) I just don't give a shit right now. In fact, part of me is just...how can I put it, embracing it? Anyway, before I was admitted as an inpatient last year (May) I'd managed to stop my over-excercising basically due to the fact that I was at home all the time so I couldn't do it anyway, and I lost the weight really quickly after xmas so it had quite an effect on my health at the time. I don't think I could have physically excercised anyway. Now though, I'm a lower weight at the moment than when I'd stopped exercising and I've taken it up again BIG TIME!!! Yesterday and today I've spent the WHOLE of the day between the meals walking. Being in the middle of London I have a huge park in one direction and the riverside in the other so I have plenty of places to go. So from 10:50am to 12:15pm I was out and then again from 2pm to 3:30pm both days. My legs KILL!!! I've gone from doing NO excercise to this. I thought it might make eating easier but it's making it harder. I'm OK with the meals at the hospital because I know I've been having those anyway. But once I'm home I don't want anything. Even though I know I've spent the day walking, in my head I'm just thinking "No cause it'll just ruin everything I've done today!"I'm really getting caught up in all this again. I'm back to obsessing about the food rather than talking about the feelings. But I'm still thinking this is better than wanting to kill myself constantly. I can actually 'function' at the moment. I don't feel half as depressed as I was the other week and it's all because of me getting further into the ED again. When it has this kind of effect on me how can I give it up? I have so much good that comes out of it!x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 ED's are not our friends although they seem like it. They are false friends. Get help. It is positive you are feeling better but what you are doing to feel better is wrong. I cut my leg and arms to feel better - it is not healthy. Explore the reasons in a safe, therapeutic session with a professional. Hugs to you. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S1CKK Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 Sorry, you got ED issues again. I understand your situation. You're still being self-destructive....you're just doin it another way.You need to stop. ED can kill, too. IMO blocking feelings is the worst. You should try to confront them rather than evading them.Over-exercising and not eating will only put a band aid on the wound but you need surgery.Try to confront your feelings in therapy. Unfortunately this is all I can do for you...on here.But hey, better than nothing.....*hugs* S1CKK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted March 13, 2009 Report Share Posted March 13, 2009 Sorry bout my last post I didn't mean it was wrong, sorry that was me being wrong!! AArrhh... sorry, things not going well tonight. I have ED's too and it is just another form of self-harm I am told. I really hope you find the help you deserve. And you do deserve it!! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x-Bliss-x Posted March 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2009 Argh this is so fucked up!! I was in such a 'good mood' yesterday because of all the exercise and everything I've done to try to lose weight and today I've just completely CRASHED because I haven't lost. I don't understand it! How can I have not exercised in nearly a year and I start and I don't lose ANY weight!? And I've been eating the same as I have any other time too!? I just want to ram my head through a window right now. I feel like cutting the hell out of myself. I'm a complete failure! x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMknows Posted March 16, 2009 Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 You might not have lost weight, but you could have lost fat. You may have put on muscle from all the exercise. Don't get too discuraged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saphyreraine Posted March 16, 2009 Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 Honey you need to speak with someone about this asap.... I know you might not want to, but you know where this leads..... Yes the restricting might numb the pain emotionally, but it will only make things worse in the long-run.... I know where you're coming from, and I wish I had the answers for you, but you have to fight it.If I can help...you know where I am x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Broken doll Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 I had trerrible ed's untill i did one simple thing...THROW OUT THE SCALES!!! they are bad. i know you won't want to and you don't want to but believe me when they aren't there, things are so much better! 9by the way I'm now 5 foot3 , 53kgs)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 hey x-bliss i know the comfort of the control u think yor getting from your ed but your slowly committing suicide and just scewing your head up more try to take everything in moderation i know it sounds hypocitical coming from me but you know i love you so much i dont want u eating up your heart cause you have a beautiful heart can you journal your feelings to get them out hugs and let up on yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Yes! throw out the scales! Muscle weighs more than fat. Focus on getting healthy, that's what gives you a sexy glow and makes you attractive, not starving yourself. Eat lots of fresh raw veggies and make sure to get your b-vitamins or else your brain will starve and the depression and self loathing get worse. B vitamins also help cortisol stay balanced so that your metabolism burns fat instead of storing it on your gut.Congrats for exercising! Please reward yourself with some kind of little indulgence. Did you know that chocolate covered cinnamon Altoids are only 5 calories each? YUMMY!sending you love and light,cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x-Bliss-x Posted March 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 hey x-bliss i know the comfort of the control u think yor getting from your ed but your slowly committing suicide and just scewing your head up more try to take everything in moderation i know it sounds hypocitical coming from me but you know i love you so much i dont want u eating up your heart cause you have a beautiful heart can you journal your feelings to get them out hugs and let up on yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxBut this doesn't scare me... I know I'm doing this and I'm not stopping. Is that why the suicidal thoughts have gone I wonder?x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 i remember and have recently been there i can totally empathise at least try 800 calories a day with some fat and work your way up eventually i know everyone will come down on this for me saying this but better a slo slow deat than the route you were taking just dont isolate you must and are welcome to pm me everyday as much as you need i look forward to it and please take some vitamins and potassium please i love you your my sister and i think of you everytime at meal time hope we can be good friends look forward to hearing from you hugs xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.