All I Have Ever Wanted.....

[*elizabeth*]

to myself, and to anyone that cares to listen....

all i have ever wanted, since i was just twelve... was a friend. as i write this i find myself close to tears, although i have said this many times to family, i have never truley said what i long for. a friend. a true friend, someone that i can talk too, share secrets with, spend girly evenings with chatting and gossiping. someone who i can go out with on the weekend spend hours getting ready then dance the night away untill our feet are sore. some i can laugh with, cry with, shout with, mess around with. a person who i can tell anything, and them tell me. someone i can share secrets with and have jokes with that only we understand. a friend. a best friend. someone that doesnt lie to me, or ignore me, use me, and talk about me to others. someone i can be truely honest with, and love as a friend. a best friend.

but this i know, will never be. i look around, and see so many people having fun and laughing with their friends. and then i look at myself. alone. work. home. food. sleep. and so the next day begins.

i feel so lost, so left out, so alone. that the fact that i will never, and have never...had a friend.

i would give anything, i would even keep this awfull *thing* that i have been burdened would, i would keep this "illness" just for one friend.

but i know this is never to be, and this sadens me so much, that the one thing i truely want and feel i need, i have no way of gaining, i have no control over atall. i have no way....

no way of really having someone to call my friend.

i feel so lost and pathetic...why would anyone ever want to be my friend. i dont find it hard to belive why i have never, and will never have anyone like this in my life.

from

a very lonely, and useless feeling sad, pathetic, loney girl x

[Rael]

i understand that feeling the way you described that made me want to cry because its something i have dreamed of. i dont have a solution or else i would have managed it myself. you are not alone in feeling this way though.

xxx

[successful_workthru]

I care to listen.

Your post shows that you have recognized what a friend is, even though, you have not yet met a person who treats you how you deserve.

The fact that you recognize what constitutes a true friend is vital.

Im in my early forties and its only in the last few years, that I have recognized what a friend is.

I cannot get my head around the fact, however, that anyone can know they will never gain a true friend.

If we believe we are pathetic and will never gain a true friend, these feelings radiate out to others, in much the same way, anyone elses different emotions radiate out to others.

Others respond in kind.

Today is bright, and I live in a pretty place, but my beliefs currently show that I feel used and not valued as a person, so I will stay in today.

When I go out, while feeling low, I attract people who just use me, or who want to offload aggression onto me.

Maybe we were never shown an example of what a true friend is.

When I look back, my family were dysfunctional, and their personalities were too fragile, in the stressful competitive, crowded environment, to think of the nicetites of being human.

As a result I got bullied and its only now I have distanced myself from my family, can I begin to regognize those things that make up, what a true friend is.

I am not asking you this question, but I refer to you mentioning when you were 12. Maybe look around this part of your life, and discover what changes happened to make you feel this way.

Maybe have a look at before you were 12 and how you felt about friends.

All this will serve to remind you that you probably formed some wrong negative beliefs about yourself.

When you realise the error of these beliefs, and why you formed them, you will realise that you are not pathetic, and you are as capable as being a good friend as any. (Possibly moreso, as you are equipped with the knowledge of what it is to be a true friend, while most others are not)

There arent many people I can be honest with, but maybe there are bits of myself I am not being honest about, to myself. As to what they are, I dont yet know, but when I do, I can be more genuine, and reflect this out, so I dont attract scroungers, users and people in bad moods.

Know that most people around you, are not having fun, and the ones who look most like they are, are probably having the least fun, and putting on an act.

We all wear masks and some peoples masks are so stuck to their faces they dont know their real face, so put on this 'fun loving' persona.

With a bit of practice, and using the good intuition your post shows you have, you will soon see that many who are living it up, are actually very lonely and unhappy indeed.

When you realise you can never know that you will not have a friend, you will then know you can, have one, and life will reflect that back. Saying that you know you will never have a friend closes off avenues.

I am the same, still working through similar issues, so sharing my own perspective may hopefully help.

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi there elizabeth

I can very much relate to what you have written, and that sense of aloneness and futility feels like a hole being burned in my chest. Looking around its as though the world isnt quite real, or I am removed from it, and watching everyone else have fun and feel warm and wanted. Its like I am in a room with one flickering fluourescent strip light, and the rest of the world is bathed in warm firelight.

I know now what this is though, and I understand that it can change. When these patterns and feelings have been part of us for a long time, it feels like "this is who we are, I can never change, its hopeless". But this is not true, no matter how powerful it feels to us. There is a branch of psychotherapy called Schema Therapy that has something it calls "lifetraps". They are exactly what you are describing - lifelong ways of feeling about the self and the world, and that feel like they are simply who the person is. The lifetrap that relates to this feeling you are talking about is called the "Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap", and at its worst it can lead to suicidal thoughts. It leaves the person feeling like a shell, utterly empty and utterly cursed to a life of nothing. Yet it can be changed.

For some, its possible to change it by working on it alone. You may like to get a copy of the book about it, entitled "Reinventing Your Life" by Klosko and Young, which is the clinical patient manual for the therapy. However if the lifetrap is extremely entrenched for you, then it may be that you need therapy. If you have a disorder like BPD, its possible that you may have a number of other lifetraps (also called schemas) which also stand in the way of a fulfilling life for you. Even though it feels hopeless now, there is the possibility of change. Life has lead you to this point through no fault of your own - but you are the one who must choose to start to find your way out. There are people who can guide you and support you.

If you would like to know more about schema therapy, then have a look at www.schematherapy.com , where they have lots of info on the approach. I am having a special form of it for BPD and find it extremely helpful

Ross

[S1CKK]

*weeps*

you're post just brought me to tears. But that's good crying now. So, thank you. That's all I want in my life too. I want a best friend!!!

I feel like you do.

I also fear / know that because of the fact that we two can only communicate via internet we'll never have a chance to be best friends but I definitely would like to be a freat friend of yours'.

I just love the way you can write stuff. That's exactly me...the way you write stuff makes my heart hurt. Reminds me that I'm still alive. And I wanna thank you for that.

from a

very lonely, useless feeling sad, pathetic little 5 year old boy who's stuck in the body of a 20 year old and just wants to be cuddled..............

love you liz!

[Dani]

the thought of having a friend who is there regardless and will wipe away our tears is a nice thought.i have never had that either elizabeth but you are not alone.One day a person might come along who becomes your best friend so don't think that it will never happen. ...thats for you and sickk

xxx

[S1CKK]

Thank you dani!

[Dani]

Thank you dani!

here to hug anytime

xxx

[Wobbles]

to myself, and to anyone that cares to listen....

all i have ever wanted, since i was just twelve... was a friend. as i write this i find myself close to tears, although i have said this many times to family, i have never truley said what i long for. a friend. a true friend, someone that i can talk too, share secrets with, spend girly evenings with chatting and gossiping. someone who i can go out with on the weekend spend hours getting ready then dance the night away untill our feet are sore. some i can laugh with, cry with, shout with, mess around with. a person who i can tell anything, and them tell me. someone i can share secrets with and have jokes with that only we understand. a friend. a best friend. someone that doesnt lie to me, or ignore me, use me, and talk about me to others. someone i can be truely honest with, and love as a friend. a best friend.

but this i know, will never be. i look around, and see so many people having fun and laughing with their friends. and then i look at myself. alone. work. home. food. sleep. and so the next day begins.

i feel so lost, so left out, so alone. that the fact that i will never, and have never...had a friend.

i would give anything, i would even keep this awfull *thing* that i have been burdened would, i would keep this "illness" just for one friend.

but i know this is never to be, and this sadens me so much, that the one thing i truely want and feel i need, i have no way of gaining, i have no control over atall. i have no way....

no way of really having someone to call my friend.

i feel so lost and pathetic...why would anyone ever want to be my friend. i dont find it hard to belive why i have never, and will never have anyone like this in my life.

from

a very lonely, and useless feeling sad, pathetic, loney girl x

Hi Elizabeth,

I can completely relate to everything you're saying. I too suffer with such overwhelming loneliness and frustration at being so alone. I have my husband, but no one else.

I have moved around so much in life that even as a child i never learnt how to make and keep friends. Eerytime i found a friend, i moved again, and when i was somewhere long enough to make a friend, they hurt me.

So now, i'm 29, and have no friends at all. I see other people who have groups of friends, and people they're really close to and can call on and count on, and laugh and cry with. I get so jealous and angry.

I get so overwhelmingly anxious when meeting new people, and it takes such a long time to trust anyone. I'm desperately lonely but this anxiety and distrust turns me off meeting someone completely. Just recently i had made a friend. Someone who i thought accepted me. We spent a long time emailing at first, she was patient with me and then we met in person. We got on well. But it took me a long time to trust her, and then i did my usual and sabotaged the friendship. I saw the things she was doing as hurtful towards me, even though i now realise that it wasn't really like that. She never had a chance, because no matter when or how or what, i would've found something to fault her, and it ended badly.

I always feel like other people don't need or want me as much as i do them. That i either obsess about them, or feel nothing at all. Never a middle ground. I get hurt over silly things, which makes me unjustly angry with them, and withdrawal from them. And the one special person i found in adult life, i was sexually attracted to and obsessed with. We grew apart, she had a lot of other friends, and i was hurt by that, it was a short lived friendship.

I find i can't be friends with someone who has a lot of other friends. Maybe i'm selfish and want to be top priority to someone. I feel like no one can give enough to me. But then i don't want someone being too needy or clingy and asking too much of me?!

I don't know how to fix these things so that i can have meaningful relationships with people. I wish i did know. I know i need friends, and i need that one best friend, but it's so much work to start with, and to maintain, it would take a very special person to put up with me, and so i just don't bother.

Anyway, just wnated you to know you're not alone. Seems like a common theme for BPD'ers to want.

xx

[*elizabeth*]

i thank you all so much for taking the time to read me post, and i have read and taken note of them all. thank you and hugs to you all.

this thought is constintly in my head, i feel i am obssesed with it, and this hurts me. it is so hard to explain, and i know when i say it now to some it will sem "untrue" like it is not possible, but others i know will have the same person.

there is noone to meet, in the life i have, to gain a friend from. i attend no groups, and there is no groups that i can join where i live. i work in a place, where there is no friends to be made and i have no social circle to gain frineds through. i live in a place where the people arnt the nicest, some are and i know there out there, im not trying to brand people and wouldnt dare to, but the town where i live churns alot of problems. i would if i could, join a group, go out or anything i could to try to gain friends. i dont want to lie to someone, and although i wouldnt want a friendship where i just went on and on about my illness i would like to have a friend who i could tell about my problems...but i know if i did there would sure look down on me and brand me.

i know i can never say "i will never have a friend" but right now at this very moment and for everyday i remember, i do not feel any closer to this.

i know i am not the only one who feels like this, but it also sadens me to think that other people are going throught the heart burning pain of having no one.

and i do hope that oneday, and one who is looking does truely find that person they are looking for.

i keep you all in my thoughts, and thank you for reading my post. that in itself really has ment something to me. so thank you x x x

S1CKK... thank you. a true "online" friend you are, and mean very much to me xx

[canadian mike]

Elizabeth,

That's the "mother" of all triggers. In fact, a part of me wants to shut off my computer, right now, watch hockey on t.v. & forget I ever read your post. But, I'm not going to. Un fortunately, my mind is blurring as much as my eyes are, so forgive me if I stumble around a bit here.

Many of us feel the same as you. I have had a lifetime of fair weather friends; those whom have abandoned me when I needed them, those who I discovered were talking shit behind my back, those who seemed as if they were a friend, then faded into history before the bond was strengthened.

The way that you describe how a friend should be, are the same qualities that I wish I could experience in another person. At times, I have thought that I have found this but, sooner or later, it all washes away. I work at a place that, when busy, employs over 500 people. Whether or not I am working with someone else, I am always working alone. Though I care about my wife, and she for me, her support is conditional and her desires & interests much different from my own.

At this stage of the game, I have been so let down by people, that I am too suspicious to allow a relationship to develop. One of my sisters talked me into joining facebook a couple of months ago, but the reacquaintance with old school mates has been excruciating. When looking at all of the groups one can join on their website, I decided to join a BPD group, but the members were mostly in Europe(it seemed) and After two days of considering that I could get screwed over by someone, I withdrew. I sometimes wonder if I am going to get screwed over by a member of these forums, but have decided that I don't really care; what would I lose? I know that others on these forums feel as I do, and you do, because I've heard them express similar feelings. In fact, from time to time, "walker" and I talk about these things. For me, sometimes, it is almost like having a real friend, and is probably the reason I come here.

Maybe, you'll meet a like-minded woman of your age on these forums. Though that would be a challenging relationship - two BPDs - that any therapist would discourage, I think that true friendship can grow beyond the steel gates which we have erected around us, winding through, under, and over the bars.

Sometimes I think that this loneliness, emptiness, longing is what is at the root of BPD, more so than the childhood issues. I mean, that this is what makes it drag on so long, because, for so long as we're lonely, it never goes away. Of course, I am speaking on my own behalf. Then again, what the hell do I know.

I am gald that you wrote this. It is painful & depressing but, later, it will be comforting, yet sad, to know that there is someone else in the world who feels as I do, that I am not messed up in my thinking; that this is important.

I've just read my response & it is a lot of drivel.

[bumblepipi]

hi your post makes me sad. i feel similar to you.I have so much mistrust in people. Those who I would call my friends are so because they are my H's friends too. I cannnot speak to them of my heart's desires or anything much beyond their lives.They have so much to say about themselves, i guess i'm a better listener than talker. I have never had a best friend, but am kind of resigned to that. I had who I thought was a friend once a ma;le friend, but it was not to be as my H became jealous, anyway he moved away to Cornwall so thats that. People that I have trusted eg my T have all stopped so , i know that was not a real relationship anyway. Him being nice to get me to talk.

Apart from this I think the main reason is that I am a useless friend. I am too scared to pick up the phone, I guess i don't do the kind of things a friend should. I can go through the motions but actual reality I don't do. :bigarmhug[1]:

[walker]

dear elizabeth

i have read this over adn was not goin to reply as it is a deep deep void within my heart

i have a husband

who i know well and hwo i used to share everythin with btuu he is not there for me not truly not like a dear friend - he has ohter passions in his life hobbies interests not me

i have a few 'friends' in real life who know bits about be but no all

some were there for me in the summer whan i intenede to end my life

they sat with me even though my hub knew nothin of my intentions

but they left

did not call the next day

i have told spent so many days hoping and witin for a call or a visit and tellin myself th must be busy

but i know in my heart they do not love me and i am not important to them

to no one

so i shut them out, tol d some i wanted no contact cos it was less painul that way

i have frineds on here

i call them friends cos i like to tal with them and they are ind to me

but

i am desp dsp trying to reject them atm

i can feel people here turning thie bacs on me and dtatchin and i am desperate to push them away before i feel the full force o their rejection which i know is comeing

which ins inevitable

i feel it in the whole of my body, my being

they will reject me and i cannot face it so i am trying to leave them first but it is so hard cos i need them so so so badly

I always feel like other people don't need or want me as much as i do them. That i either obsess about them, or feel nothing at all. Never a middle ground. I get hurt over silly things, which makes me unjustly angry with them, and withdrawal from them

oh yes this is so much of my life - some people still call or text, v rarely , then - nothing - i cling on to that contact and it is gone - and i am left

I find i can't be friends with someone who has a lot of other friends. Maybe i'm selfish and want to be top priority to someone. I feel like no one can give enough to me. But then i don't want someone being too needy or clingy and asking too much of me?!

oh yes - shit - yes - but i never talk about it cos my need to be THE one the most significant person in someones life is SO SO big

it is a frantic

desperate need

a scramble for love

adn i panic when they need me, it scares me , i am useless , worthless, and i run

i have tried to tell people how i will suck them dry of thier affection and kindness - i will drain them of any love they felt towardds me

more more more more

always more

its not htahat i hate givng back

i dont

i want to give endlessly but i have nothing to give i am too useless and worthless for them to need me, and if they did need me then i want to run

shit this is a dangerous topic for me

very dangerous

i posted a poem once called 'a totally crap verse on friends'

it is how i was taught people feel about me

it is what they scream at me in my head

'it doesnt really matter, no one really cares'

sorry

so sorry , this is is raw very raw

[kelpy]

this post made me cry.

Its what i want & need so much.

But i know it will never be.

there will never be anybody to fill that big empty hole.

it was so brave of you to put that on here.

& it seems to have touched a lot of people.

[Wobbles]

I refuse to believe that there is no hope for any of us. That we'll never be able to find someone. That we'll never have recovered enough to have deep, meaningful friendships and relationships. I refuse to believe it, i still have hope.

[Data]

elizabeth,

I identified with what you said in your post. Many times in my life I have people around me, I am not sure that I have ever had a true friend.

And now its so lonely.

[*elizabeth*]

i do apoligize if my post triggered, or upset anyone, or brought up terrible feelings, im sorry.

i never ment to do that.

i do not feel that my illness is part of why i dont have any friends, it is me, i feel that it would make no difference at all, if i had MH problems or not, i would still be alone.

again i apoligize.........

im sorry

[hummm_mabbe]

I refuse to believe that there is no hope for any of us. That we'll never be able to find someone. That we'll never have recovered enough to have deep, meaningful friendships and relationships. I refuse to believe it, i still have hope.

I refuse to believe it, and feel confident now through experiences in therapy, and what I have read, that it can be overcome. Its not a simple problem or a simple solution though, but there is one. Im not trying to shw off or minimise anyones pain - I honestly do belive that there is a way out of it, even though it feels utterly hopeless when youre in it.

But everyone ignored my post and I felt all hopeless and grotty so kept my gobbie part shut :(

[Wobbles]

I refuse to believe that there is no hope for any of us. That we'll never be able to find someone. That we'll never have recovered enough to have deep, meaningful friendships and relationships. I refuse to believe it, i still have hope.

I refuse to believe it, and feel confident now through experiences in therapy, and what I have read, that it can be overcome. Its not a simple problem or a simple solution though, but there is one. Im not trying to shw off or minimise anyones pain - I honestly do belive that there is a way out of it, even though it feels utterly hopeless when youre in it.

But everyone ignored my post and I felt all hopeless and grotty so kept my gobbie part shut

Which post in particular are you referring to Ross?