At What Point Do You Stop Caring For The Child-abused?

[roxy222]

i think the thing about intrusive thoughts is not to fight them (the thoughts that is, not the actions) and see what they can tell you about your past. recently a friend had a baby (Iv done tons of baby sitting and never had this experience before) I help alot and once when changing her nappy had an image of an adult female touching a baby her age innapropriately. I felt really sick at first, horrified, but I know I dont hurt anyone, and so I tried not to ignore it, when I slept later I dreamt of my mother touching me like that. I later spoke to a friend who is a few years old than me and who has known me my whole life. he said he allways felt my mtoher was very innapropriate with me when changing me, thats shed also touch me and laugh and he didnt understand cause ofcourse he was just little too but that these were his first memories and he has allways felt creeped by them. since I let these memories come back the intrusive thoughts left and I have not been worried by them. theres no way Id hurt a kid, i have no doubt, because I am not scared of facing my past however hard it might be, but if I had ignored these images, as is the normal reaction id have never pieced this together

[roxy222]

To Lances post

Warning to to members! - possible Trigger, please click off if affected.

In all other cases, please scroll down.

I think its really good to point out that abusers are identifying with their own abusers, because that is a way of running from their own pain, of no longer identifying with the victim.

but I do think that adults, regarless of their background, have the responsibility of finding themselves help. like I said before, regardless of how powerless the adult feels they are never as powerless as the child victim, they are never without a choice the way a child is.

Im going to bow out of this convo now as this can get heated and Im already feeling fradgile today by being hurt on a differnet board. I think its good to talk about it though lance, its allways much better to bring it out in the open rather than allow the silence to continue as the general social stigma and silence is why so many abusers get away with it.

lance, Id really recommend that you have a read of alice millers works cause they really helped with dealing with my past. have a look at her website and see what you think. drama is prob the best to start with, but the body never lies is also invaluable, as they all are actuallyx

'Sciuse my naivety, but are you saying there is paed0 p0rn on Youtube, and if so, what't it doing there?

I would be back on the psych ward if I had come across a nonced up video on Youtube, trust.

If you mean, videos on documentaries, and programmes addressing the problem, and not p0rn itself, then I apologise now, for misunderstanding.

Acting out and acting in, respectively are dysfunctional behaviours.

The abusers are obviously acting out, and identifying, albeit unawares, with their abuser.

Acting in, involves rage turned inwards, addiction, depression, etc, all still destructive.

As to why some people act out, is dependent on many different factors.

I think personally, acters out, (those who's abuse unresolved sequelae affect others adversely) dissociate while they are abusing. They somehow separate in their minds the emotional impact of what they are doing. Many more are so dissociated from their original pain that empathy is blocked.

They may have been abused while the personality is developing, and so empathy is blocked off.

NOTE, dissociation can happen with acting in as well.

Anyone who acts out, and affects others is potentially harmful, not just sex abuse.

To show remorse, remorse has to be felt. It has to be felt deeply, and not just a superficial show, to gain sympathy from punishment.

When someone imposes their will on someone else, we have the beginnings of dysfunction.

All victimizers were once themselves victims.

I feel angry that some victims are not helped at the right time, so become victimizers.

I feel cross at society for failing them.

Monster? bully? any form of negative behaviour from one person to another is wrong, no matter how old or young the perpetrator.

Obviously for young kids abusing other kids, the young perpetrator may be acting out, and is an obvious case for urgent requirement for therapy.

This intervention is often not available though.

Society swept such things under the mat for so long.

Adults who have been abused as children have as much right to therapy for their pain, as they did when they were kids, and may never have had the opportunity for it.

Adults who have not abused kids, but have been abused themselves, deserve help, as do the adults that act out.

We have every right to be revolted by their behaviour, but better to heal them, than to let them roam free.

Punishment does not work, as it is often punitive relationships that have focked them up in the first place.

When adults act out abuse on kids, who cannot defend themselves, this is contemptible behaviour. This is what the public hate, attacking defenseless vulnerability, and corrupting life itself.

Maybe society condemns them for not getting help for them selves earlier, as in therapy, etc.

The thing is, the abuser is not likely to come foreward for help in abuse mode, as he or she, is scared to.

Your thoughts power only grows with age, if you repress the impulses and do not address the original trauma.

Maybe this is not remembered by lots of abusers. It needs to be retrieved from memory into consciousness to be healed, and the thoughts wont grow.

Unaddressed unconscious material out of our awareness, manifests itself as intrusive thoughts.

Appearing normal often comes at the expense of inner turmoil.

Cry your tears, feel your feelings, and most of all get help.

No other human should be affected by our own bad experiences, whether we are aware of these experiences or not.

Find an outlet, a healthy, healing, and most of all, a harmless outlet for these thoughts.

You sound like you have the self awareness not to act out these thoughts, but you do need urgent care and help, and I dont mean a psychiatrist couch or a bottle of medication, I mean real healing therapy.

I congratulate you on your post, as it takes courage, and I thank you for raising the subject, but the bottom line is harm prevention for the future, and real healing for the past.

[roxy222]

got confused posting the above, hope you can work out whats my words, Im abit useless with computers soz

[successful_workthru]

i think the thing about intrusive thoughts is not to fight them (the thoughts that is, not the actions) and see what they can tell you about your past. recently a friend had a baby (Iv done tons of baby sitting and never had this experience before) I help alot and once when changing her nappy had an image of an adult female touching a baby her age innapropriately. I felt really sick at first, horrified, but I know I dont hurt anyone, and so I tried not to ignore it, when I slept later I dreamt of my mother touching me like that. I later spoke to a friend who is a few years old than me and who has known me my whole life. he said he allways felt my mtoher was very innapropriate with me when changing me, thats shed also touch me and laugh and he didnt understand cause ofcourse he was just little too but that these were his first memories and he has allways felt creeped by them. since I let these memories come back the intrusive thoughts left and I have not been worried by them. theres no way Id hurt a kid, i have no doubt, because I am not scared of facing my past however hard it might be, but if I had ignored these images, as is the normal reaction id have never pieced this together

Thank you for that, it reinforces what I think.

Thanks again, for sharing, and for helping me learn.

[successful_workthru]

got confused posting the above, hope you can work out whats my words, Im abit useless with computers soz

To summarize very briefly, ignoring or supressing intrusive thoughts is destructive, and paves the way for potential future harm, like your helpful post above, reiterated.

The first poster has to dance with his shadow, he has to listen to it, and find a healthy harmless healing outlet for it.

'The human shadow' is a good keyphrase to start a web search on such matters.

[Lance]

Wow peoples, thank you so much for your responses. Roxy, sorry for my outburst earlier on, I knew what you ment by your post so sorry if I seemed defensive there for a second.

Oh and I guess I should clear this up too seen as it was mentioned: The Youtube videos I was refering to in the first post are NOT p0rn as suggested. They were taken from documentaries and the faces were blured. Also, it was not sexual abuse, but general domestic abuse/violence. The videos were obviously taken from a tv program that tracked these home movies down and shamed them.

Thanks a ton for that reply, workthru, a very good read. I will respond to that in better detail soon.

Roxy, I've been learning from my thoughts my whole life, that's what eventually lead me to unlocking where it started. Here's an interesting thing though, the thoughts I have are most often about a younger me, like I'm abusing myself. I'm still trying to figure out what that means exactly. But I'd rather it be myself on my mind than some random innocent, regardless of whether or not they're just thoughts.

You know, when it comes to the situation of being around kids, I'm actually like my brother and are naturally good with kids. I get more of a high knowing that they think I'm funny and cool and that they even want to talk to me. That's all I want, to always feel that way and nothing else. I'm just fine in person, exactly how I want to be. It's behind the scenes that I start losing control. But that's a good thing I guess, means I can work on my issues privately.

I thank you again for your replies guys, you've turned my thoughts around again. I've also just taken a shit load of stress out on my piano, feel MUCH better. But please, keep your thoughts coming on this subject(s).

Peace, Lance

[Roses]

Roxy - I appreciate your honesty and I have had a lot of problems with intrusive thoughts and at one point I actually believed I was a risk to my children and so voiced this to my pdoc and they were so reassuring and told me it was a natural thing and that I need to accept them and think "oh there's another one" and say to myself this is not the truth, it's just a thought and it is amazing how powerful those words are - "it is just a thought". I let them drift out now instead of holding onto them and suffering. It has really helped me and it is reassuring again to know that I am not alone with this (although I sincerly wish no-one else suffered with them). Just wanted to say that. Thanks xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

I am going to make an attempt to explain my take on this, hope it doesnt upset or offend!!

Heterosexual men are usually presumed to find a sexily dressed woman attractive and to feel mildly sexual in her presence, and so sometimes if I am around people and a beautiful woman walks in, I feel like 'everyone knows' I am attracted to her because they will naturally make the assumption. I feel on show, embarrassed even if I am not actually feeling a sexual arousal. Its more of a kind of sexual self reproach for what I ASSUME people will think. Im just putting out ideas Lance, but to me it sounds a little like this:

Somehow, maybe you feel that people would assume that you have those thoughts about children, even though they are absent in you. Perhaps more the ASSUMPTION that people would just see you as a pervert, even though you know you are not, like a kind of sexual paranoia, and the bodily arousal this thought causes makes you think you actually ARE feeling that way? Like a misinterpretation of your bodily feelings - something thats very common in BPD.

If you have been abused, it may be that you feel as though you have this sexual taint following you around that everyone can see?

[successful_workthru]

Oh and I guess I should clear this up too seen as it was mentioned: The Youtube videos I was refering to in the first post are NOT p0rn as suggested. They were taken from documentaries and the faces were blured. Also, it was not sexual abuse, but general domestic abuse/violence. The videos were obviously taken from a tv program that tracked these home movies down and shamed them.

Ah, sorry for mis-understanding.

The misunderstanding is about me, not you.

[Rael]

just wanted to respond to one specific bit about why people might react kinder to children doing or thinking something than adults. people dont want to believe that children are capable of doing evil things, the child could do something but people want to believe that there is hope for them, children are generally seen as the hope of the future. everything that is said revolves around children being the victims, it doesnt matter if they are the ones who have done something terrible, people still want to believe that somehow they are the victim. and this may well be true, they could be gong through some terrible abuse themselves. but as soon as it becomes an adult doing it, people feel no need for sympathy, its easier to think of them as evil, most people forming opinions on it are adults themselves and want to dissociate themselves from the person as much as possible, so they become, evil, inhuman, monsters.

they forget to look deeper, if it was a child they would look to see what was going on, what was hidden and could be causing it, they look for a reason to be able to see the child as a victim. although adults may just as easily be or have been victims of something horrendous people wont look and dont want to be able to excuse it because then it means that given different circumstances they could be the same. people have to separate the world into good and evil, unfortunately it doesnt always work that way and if i am not good as such, maybe i think things that people wouldnt like, then i must be evil, to some people evil thoughts means evil person. thats not even close to the truth.

having bad thoughts and being frightened by those thoughts does not make you evil. you dont ask for the thoughts, you didnt ask to be put in a situation where the thoughts would start happening. you didnt ask for anything that happened. someone who deserve peoples prejudices would be someone who wanted the thoughts, enjoyed the thoughts and acted on the thoughts.

you are not a bad person hun, some of the things i think would get me beaten up, killed, or locked up if they knew, but they dont make me a bad person. bad thoughts but not bad people.

really hope that made sense, not overly sure tbh i was thinking quicker than i could type and kept getting lost

xxx

[Lance]

EDIT:

Thanks so much for these replies...

This is what I wanted really, a decent discussion about it, not to upset people or anything of the sort.

Rael, I agree with your post 100%. I understand everything you said there. Thank you.

Mabbe, your post was an interesting read. I really appreciate your input on this. Your ideas are pretty much correct actually...there is a sexual paranoia at play and the way you described it fits very well.

I think maybe the fact that it affects my sexual stimulation just enhances the self-belief that I'm a bad person. It's like, they're not actions, but they're not just thoughts either. These thoughts physically affect me and my feelings. And I know how it comes accross when I say these thoughts are arrousing, but this is all I've ever felt. That IS my corruption, the damage that was done.

Because I was so young when the grooming was taking place, I turned into myself for answers and ended up fantasizing over what he had put in my head, long before the sexual system had developed. But by the time it showed up for the first time, the damage was already done and because of the years of childhood constantly trying to find a way of releasing these thoughts, it had linked itself to my most natural born release system.

I hate it. I hate it so much. My friends growing up around me through school, starting with the whole girlfriend thing, then onto sex and all that jazz, and I used to cry so hard knowing that I didn't and couldn't experience any of that because my system was already overtaken by these fucking releases. I've never been arroused by a woman, or even a man for that fact. Nothing at all. In fact, even the act of sex to anybody or any thing is just absent in me. I will explain in a second...

This is why I get so upset. I just want to fall in love, feel naturally attracted to them and naturally start a family. But when it comes down to it, I can't physically do that. The only thing it's used for is to relieve sexual tension when thoughts build up so fucking high that I just have to get them out. I didn't choose for it to be routed this way. I didn't choose any of this!!! This was put in me and this is how I deal with it, again not by choice.

What I said I was going to explain was this: My thoughts aren't actually aimed at anything sexual or genetalia related at all. That doesn't make them any less abusive, but I just felt I that should point that out at least once. They're aimed at what was done to me and what was groomed.

I'm very sorry if I've triggered anything for any of you guys. I'll go back to the top now and stick a warning up there. Thanks for reading again. I just have to get this shit out, you know?

Peace, Lance

[profound1]

Hey Lance,

A great post, dont apologise, although it is a sensitive topic the things you and others are writing about are real and as Roses stated this is a forum where people can offer help and support to each other so good on you for posting.

I also have intrusive thoughts which used to really upset and distress me, the more I tried not to think about them the more persistent they were. I give them minimal attention now, let them pass if I can which is much less distressing. It is easier said than done sometimes. I am only just beginning to address some of my own issues surrounding abuse so am not really knowledgeable enough to attempt to explain much but I do appreciate that effects can be wide ranging and vary in intensity, there are constantly new challenges.

I know you said you had therapy for a year, are you still getting any support/therapy? I have learned heaps from this forum and more than anything I often feel better for being understood and knowing others have similar feelings, thoughts and experiences. You describe a system that is overtaken basically as a result of the abuse, something you have no control over as a child and the way you develop just becomes 'the way things are' for you, it is all you have experienced. I just want to say don't give up hope, there is every chance that you will fall in love, feel naturally attracted to someone and start a family naturally, although you cannot physically do that now there is hope. Psychosexual therapy may be an option, I dunno. It is only a suggestion, sorry if I talking crap but I hate to think of how upset you are by this.

I wish you well, take care

p1

p1

[catspiracy]

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER

damn, I'm so triggered by my stepdaughter at this very moment, and this entire subject is the same trigger, my brain is going BZZT BZZZZZZZT POP!

This issue is something I've dealt with every day since I was five and started being molested--separately by two adults and one child. The child who molested me was a sadist who would do painful things to my genitalia and ask "did that hurt?" and for some reason I let him until it hurt really bad. but way worse since I became a step parent of an abused child who abused other children.

What a journey through hell it's been so far!

First, no one would believe me that she was being abused. Then no one would believe me that she was abusing other children. Then people thought I was abusing her. Now people tell me it's just normal teenage stuff.

Since I met her at age 4, any time my stepdaughter was left alone with another child for five seconds, she'd try to bully them into "playing sex" with her. She would tell them "i wish I had a penis so I could fuck you", or "if you arent beautiful enough or dont do what he says, the Prince won't love you" (the prince being her). She even attacked my baby when he was only 2. She was also cruel to pets, putting the cat in the drawer roughly and leaving him locked in there, hitting the puppy with sticks.

She totally did the dissociative thing success described, to a perfect T. (Thank you Success, for an amazing post!!!!!!!!) She would use her mother's sing song falsetto and act funny, creepy, bad-seed saccharine sickly sweet. She would never and to this day HAS never talked about what happened to her nor what she did. Not even right then when caught in the act, and not to the Victims Witness program that I hoped would get it out of her to put her mom in jail for what she did. Not to any of the therapists i've taken her to. Nowadays, she's clear and wellspoken about it: "I wont talk about that and you can't make me."

She pretty much to this day has a fairly antisocial personality type of character. I found a childrens psychopathology checklist on a true crime website once and she got 10 out of 12 on the checklist at that time, although she's much less obvious now except to a handful of people who see through the saccharine thing. She lacks empathy, has the entitlement thing to the Nth degree, takes no responsibility but blames the people she ill-treats. A recent example: after she fucked and dumped a rapid succession of 5 guys, then decided number 2 or 3 was the One but he'd have nothing to do with her, blamed him for being a heartless pig. She also s/h, carving Pain on her shoulder and gouges on her hip below the waistline so it won't show.

I have fought for her every step of the way and even had to call my senator to get her into a s/a group therapy. That worked wonders while it lasted. We had to move and there's nothing like it locally. She went into remission as far as sexual acting out until this year when she chose to start having intercourse with boys, but she's always been dishonest, conniving, and manipulative.

Nothing I can do gets past her thick armor. She is mean and ungrateful. She hates herself and hurts herself, but says she hates me and that i've ruined her life and the only thing she looks forward to in her life is getting far away from me. She doesn't form lasting friendships, most are very superficial and over in a month. The boys last until she has sex with them, then they're out on their asses. I don't know what will become of her. I actually wish it were in my power to have her tubes tied, I would. I can't imagine what kind of mother she'd make, at least not from my current vantage.

So i think you folks are right when you say the only way you can overcome what happened to you and pass it on is to confront it and move thru it. That's what i did, and for a long time, i thought the reason i ended up with this hellish situation was because i was specially gifted at helping her, the wounded healer thing. Trouble is, she has to want to change. And she'd rather blame than change, so it's pretty much out of my hands. Yet she's still here in my house triggering me with her s/h and promiscuity and chaos-making brouhaha.

I wish i could divorce her, but I'm still madly in love with her daddy, he's perfect for me. And they came as a package deal. Today, my gratitude affirmation for alisha has worn thin, if not completely fallen apart: "i am grateful to my daughter for challenging me to grow in compassion." What's the point of having compassion for someone who behaves like this? I feel like I'm pouring my heart down a drain. Ever since she entered my life, I've felt like I'm a BAD PERSON. I used to feel like an innocent victim. Now I feel like an evil monster.

Today she told me that I take joy in her suffering, and that just broke me down. It triggered me so bad that I wanted to s/h again with knives instead of just picking my face to pieces. I never did that face picking or feeling like a bad person before she came into my life, and I cant wait for the years to pass and she leaves the nest.

sorry for rant, but i wonder what Lance wonders...if she never changes from how she was when she was 4, even when 24 or 44, at what point did she solidify into "monstrous"? And why am I stuck here feeling like it's all my fault?

[Roses]

These teenage years are the hardest and I feel for you Cat. You are doing a brilliant job trying to understand your step-daughter but you must take care of yourself first. It sounds like she is deliberately pushing your buttons to see if you will crack. I hope this changes. With regards to 'when' people become monsters I think it depends on lots of different factors. Age is one consideration yes, but you also need to consider the severity of the act/s, motivation, circumstances (were they provoked or teased) and most importantly if they show any remorse for their actions. This is just my immediate thoughts, I apologise if they are way off the mark.

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi Lance

I hope this isnt going too far or breaking terms of use. I wanted to ask you, if you dont mind answering - do you get aroused by heterosexual / homosexual pornography? Its not me being nosey - if you are able to be aroused by that, then part of that normal sexual drive is intact. It may be that the main issue for you is trust AND sex, and that the fear paralyses your feelings towards other human beings.

If you do not even find pornography arousing, then still all is not lost. It may be that your past therapists did not enable you to fully trust in them, and so you were unable to fully explore and deal with the abuse that happened to you. It can take over a year for people with these experiences to be able to actually trust properly, so if you only had a year of it then its possible you never got to this stage. Trauma therapy, which is distinct from CBT, DBT and other forms of therapy, can take a very long time. It may be that when you are able to make some headway on what was done to you, and the messages it left with you, that your normal feelings and urges return. Although past theray may have failed, it does not mean that you cannot be helped. For many of us, it is necessary to find just the right combination of therapist and therapy to help us make that breakthrough. In trauma issues, the relationship with the therapist is much more important.

How were your relationships with your therapists, and what type of therapy were they giving you - if you dont mind me asking? Did they make you feel safe, acepted, respected? Were you able to open up to them, or did you tend to shut off a bit with them or at best describe what happened to you without emotion? If emotion came out, were they able to help soothe you, and provide a warm, comforting environment that allowed you to explore what happened?

One last thing - there is a psychological principle called 'shaping', which is part of classical conditioning. The linking of certain feelings with certain behaviours and the way they become automatic. Its possible that due to your 'sexual paranoia' that you began to instantly check to see if you WERE aroused - "oh no, they may think I am aroused! I must check!" and this constant checking lead to what felt like an arousal through shaping. If you are aroused by pronography, then contrast the sensation you get when looking at that, with the sensation you get when having your sexual paranoia. You may well notice a subtle difference. With this in mind, you may find that if you can discipline yourself to 'not check' when around children, that the feeling starts to subside.

Lso for people that have been abused AND emotionally neglected, the feelings of sexual arousal, and a desire for closeness, become mixed. Because the person may never have known genuine closeness of a parental kind, the only closeness he knows is the sexual one. His NATURAL INCLINATION to be close to others, to bond and connect, becomes confused with what he feels to be a sexual urge. Children make us feel protective. We find them cute. We have a desire to bond with them - its inbuilt via millennia of evolution. However, our experience in this world superimposes interpretation on those natural, healthy drives. You can feel the urge to be close, to think they are cute - but your conditioning misinterprets it as arousal, because there is no 'file' in there that tells you what normal closeness is. This can be re=programmed through therapy, but again would take a very long time. But next time it comes up for you, bear in mind that this might actually be a healthy need for closeness, superimposed with the terrible experience you had. You are NOT a monster or a freak - your brain is reacting to the way a brain is meant to work - through conditioning, associations and evolution. It is reversible, the sad fact is that for those of us who have suffered the worst injustices, it takes all the longer to see differences.

If you have not had it before, you may like to seek out an Inner Child therapist SPECIFICALLY FOR dealing with your abuse (as opposed to just behavioural or here-and-now issues), as they very much focus on trauma and bonding issues.

Have you read a book called "The courage to heal" by Bass and Davis? I think there is much in there that you will find enlightening and perhaps even liberating.

Ross

[Lance]

Ross man...that was a very very good response. Thanks sooo much for that. Lots of helpful suggestions in there.

Alright I'm going to try and answer some of your questions. Firstly, I actually find porn of any kind pretty disgusting. It doesn't do a damn thing for me. As I described in my posts above, none of the arrousels have anything to do with the act of sex. 99% of the time, the thought of sex has no affect on me whatsoever. The remaining 1% would be rare occasions when im thinking about a certain somebody for so long and start dreaming about families etc, and I kinda develop this very short-term feeling for it, which makes me feel...clean. Strange way of putting that but it does. Healthy I guess. But the majority of the time, I find it near impossible to be affected by thought of it. It's like trying to think of a new colour, no matter how hard you try, you can't envision what you want to.

I found what you said about "not checking" to see if you are arroused by something is very true indeed. It's just like the classic "don't think of a black cat" thing. So in order to know if you are feeling anything, you have to feel something to know what it feels like to feel. Lol! But it's true. However, in my case, I actually don't get arroused when around them physically. I would still think, but when it's in person, they are literally only thoughts, and don't last long at all. And I can shrug them off so easily. My natural great side of caring and loving comes through and ALWAYS wins. This is what I hold on to, what keeps me believing that I won't turn out how I fear. Instead of bad thoughts, I just go on autopilot and make sure everything I say and do with them is suitable, entertaining or educational for them.

The feeling of being a role model, somebody to look up to, to be loved and respected by a child, even just for 15 minutes while we play a game or something, that is the single most greatest feeling for me because it is HUGE fuck you to everything that tries to break me down. I feel like I've accomplished something, like I have a purpose for that moment in time, a good healthy purpose. When it comes to the crunch, I can become the best of myself and I love that feeling.

If you're thinking that I seem somewhat over-emotional, well that may very well be true. You see, I don't believe in a God, I'm not religious in any way, but I believe in balance, everything having an opposite. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That kinda stuff. And I believe that because of the aggressive nature of my messed up thoughts, my good feelings and good aspirations increase to restore the balance. So no matter how bad one side gets, the other will only get better.

I'm in a pretty damn good mood today I've been wanting to talk for so long about all of this and I thank you all for being so supportive and sharing your stories and advice. All of this has made me realize once again that I am stronger than I sometimes think.

Goddd I am SOO high on great feelings right now, I'm gonna keep the flame burning. Thank you all! Xx

Peace, Lance

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi Lance

Im glad that you are feeling better When you are talking about that clean feeling, to me it sounds like 'love'. Inside you are able to love, and you want to.

I dont think you are being over-emotional at all, I think you expressing feelings that have been welling up for some time and needed an outlet.

I picked up my copy of The Courage to Heal, and there is a whole section called "Children and Parenting" that covers all the things you are feeling and worried about perfectly. I think that you may be able to pick up a copy at the library. Its subtitle is "A guide for women survivors of sexual abuse" and I am assuming you are a man, but dont let the title put you off, the material inside is just as appropariate for men as women. In it they explain why the feelings you have are completely normal, tells you what you can do about it, and most importantly destigmatises the whole thing.

I hope that you can get back into some sort of programme of healing.

[bibiddi]

I have but one fear, and that's that one day, I will carelessly act out a thought. The fear of what would happen to me. What would people see me as. Would all the love I've spread throughout my life suddenly be void. Would I lose the right to be cared for, the right to recieve help. Would I be seen as the monster that made me who I am.

I want to be able to love and to care without fighting with myself to do so.

Peace, Lance

Lance, if you are concerned that one day you may act out your thoughts, then I urge you to go to your doctors first thing tomorrow. Get referred for therapy. It is imperative.

I am aware that you have similar written posts in the past, and you have been told that obtrusive thoughts can be common, and can be dealt with in therapy. Yet I am not aware of you going for therapy.

If you see a therapist, you can work with them, they are there to help you.

[Lance]

I have but one fear, and that's that one day, I will carelessly act out a thought. The fear of what would happen to me. What would people see me as. Would all the love I've spread throughout my life suddenly be void. Would I lose the right to be cared for, the right to recieve help. Would I be seen as the monster that made me who I am.

I want to be able to love and to care without fighting with myself to do so.

Peace, Lance

Lance, if you are concerned that one day you may act out your thoughts, then I urge you to go to your doctors first thing tomorrow. Get referred for therapy. It is imperative.

I am aware that you have similar written posts in the past, and you have been told that obtrusive thoughts can be common, and can be dealt with in therapy. Yet I am not aware of you going for therapy.

If you see a therapist, you can work with them, they are there to help you.

Hey bibs. Not sure how much of the rest of the topic you have read or just the first couple posts, but I explained that it's just a fear of doing but deep insdie, I just know I wouldn't. If you read my last post just a couple up from this, I managed to say how I feel in certain situations and how everything negative simply leaves my mind. It's only when I'm alone when my head isn't as good.

I'm not so sure about therapy on this subject. I don't believe it would be a good move for me as I am right now for a few reasons; I don't feel like I'm an imediate threat or danger to anybody. I can become very distressed with it, but I contain it myself and keep a level of control until it dies down. I don't want to sound contradictary to what I was saying in other posts because it IS a huge problem in my life, but I have a feeling that therapy would only stir it up before it fixes anything. I seem to have done just fine all this time without going down that particular road. Yes, they're obtrusive feelings and I wish they didn't exist at all, but I've only ever let it harm myself and nobody else.

I always find comfort in the fact that the aweful fantasies I have are the complete oposite of my true life aspirations and dreams. I live to help people, and it's almost as if because of the amount of bad thoughts and ideas I have, it only makes the helpful side of me that much stronger because I know that little bit more of how to prevent it happening to anyone. Does that make any sense? I truly believe that I could be pushed to the very limits but I would never ever cross that line because it simply isn't who I am.

As the quote goes, "it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." Underneath I may suffer with these violent and graphic visions, but how I deal with them and turn them into the complete oposite is what makes me who I am. I'm a living paradox, lol. I've lived a life of contradiction but ultimately, the bi-product is a deep passion for love, affection, family and life....

Hmm...I guess what I'm saying then is, if I tried to completely rid of these dark feelings, then I wouldn't be the same Lance. I guess I almost rely on them in a way, to keep me in check and maintain balance.

If the day ever comes that I start to enjoy these thoughts and provoke them, then I will hand myself over to authorities or I will remove myself from life all together. I fear doing something, but it's just a fear. My love, compassion and just raw sense won't let it happen.

Peace, Lance