x-Bliss-x Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 I'm sure a lot of you will identify with this, but I just feel like I'm going in circles. Stage 1: When I was doing what I needed to do with the food and putting on the weight I ended up so depressed because all the feelings I'd been starving away came back. I couldn't handle it and became suicidal with trying to cope with the feelings. Stage 2: I went back to my anorexia...RAN back! Started restricting and exercising again. Now I'm feeling better again, my mood has picked up and I KNOW it's because of this. But with it, comes the 'Maybe I can recover this time because I'm in a better place' thoughts. Not to mention the starvation causes me to obsess about food all the time so I'm so hungry all the time again! Stage 3: So I start adding back in the food. The hunger subsides and I feel better. Guilt is still there but not overwhelming at first. By the next day of deciding to do this, doubts start and spiral quickly to me becoming VERY depressed again, to the point of suicidal and before I know it, I'm back at stage 1 again. ....at the moment I'm in stage 2 and I don't know where to go. I hate being hungry all the time and I really WANT to eat and enjoy my food. I DO enjoy my food when I'm in this place but it's afterwards that is the problem. I don't want what comes afterwards. Everyone keeps telling me I have to STAY in the overwhelming stages and that eventually you WILL get over it. Things will change. Is this true though because whenever I have tried, I haven't been able to stay in it long enough to come out the other side. I don't know what to do I know what I should do but I'm so scared of feeling like I did a couple of weeks ago. x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S1CKK Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 being suicidal is the most terrifying thing, isn' it. I can understand why you rather stay in stage 2. Maybe you should just make sure you eat enough, I mean try to keep the starvation at a certain level...but that's just me.Once you feel really great and secure for a moment you should try and eat something.I got a question: What are the first signs of a ED? I'm asking cos ever since I started taking mirtazapine I felt like the pills were force feeding me. I hated it.Now I am off it and I feel fat. I've been nauseous for 2 days now and don't feel like eating. I'm still eating but it's nowhere near enough.Sorry, I've been in a bad place for more than a week now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x-Bliss-x Posted March 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 So after posting my thread 'Circles' on here yesterday I decided to try again with the food. I talked to my Mum so she knew I wanted to try again too. I had the food I would have had at day patients (I didn't go yesterday) which was morning snack, lunch and afternoon snack, and then I had my dinner and pudding at night like I'm supposed to. By the end of the night I felt awful and self harmed. Today I got up with the doubts, I didn't want to do it but I was cheered up a bit when my Mum's flowers came for tomorrow. I asked for reassurance from my Mum about what I should do today after last night. Continue with the plan or not. She told me to continue. I had lunch and Mum went out. I freaked about putting on the weight and thought fuck it, i've already screwed up restricting yesterday and today which means I'm GOING to put on weight! I binged. Now I want to self harm again and eat nothing for the rest of today...and tomorrow... and ever again! I HATE THIS SO MUCH!! x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S1CKK Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 * x-bliss-x *Sorry you're having such a bad time. It must be terrible. I hardly ate anything over the last two days.....I hope I was just ill...not the beginning of ED.I can understand your frustration. You just can't break the cycle and I don't really know how to help you....the only thing you could try is I guess: babysteps.Try eating pretzel sticks...one at a time....that's the only thing I can keep down when I'm ill and nauseous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x-Bliss-x Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I have stuck to my meal plan. I missed my chocolate bar for afternoon snack as I binged. I had plenty to cover me for that so I just had a drink in the afternoon but I continued to have what I was supposed to for the rest of the day. I had my dinner and my pudding and I feel better again now. I'm not freaking out and I've had quite a nice afternoon. I also made the decision that tomorrow we're all going out for a meal tomorrow for Mothers Day and I will be eating out with them. It'll be a big challenge but I think I'll be ok with it. We are going for an Indian which I know is really high in calories but rather than just not eat until dinner I'm going to try having a salad at lunch so that I'm still eating when I should be. I'm not sure what I'll do about the snacks yet though. It is normal to cut back in the day if you're going out for a big meal at night though isn't it?x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S1CKK Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I have stuck to my meal plan. I missed my chocolate bar for afternoon snack as I binged. I had plenty to cover me for that so I just had a drink in the afternoon but I continued to have what I was supposed to for the rest of the day. I had my dinner and my pudding and I feel better again now. I'm not freaking out and I've had quite a nice afternoon. I also made the decision that tomorrow we're all going out for a meal tomorrow for Mothers Day and I will be eating out with them. It'll be a big challenge but I think I'll be ok with it. We are going for an Indian which I know is really high in calories but rather than just not eat until dinner I'm going to try having a salad at lunch so that I'm still eating when I should be. I'm not sure what I'll do about the snacks yet though. It is normal to cut back in the day if you're going out for a big meal at night though isn't it?x-Bliss-xYes, it is normal. But I don't know if going out for an indian is such a good idea. I mean you prob should still go but maybe just have like a salad there.If you're pushing too hard, you're gonna fall back down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x-Bliss-x Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Just an update. We're not going out for the meal anymore because my Mum would find it more relaxing to stay in so we'll be sitting together for a meal for the first time instead. It's just going to be a normal meal so I've stuck to my original meal plan and had everything I'm supposed to today. I'm still in a really good mood though which although I don't understand it, I'm not questioning and just making the most of it.x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S1CKK Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 that sounds good! I'm happy for you! I hope the feeling is gonna last quite a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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