For Those With An Actual Bpd Dx

[AveMaria]

:o gotcha! I couldn't figure out how to make them match... they were two totally different things! No wonder!

Thanks for your help. I understand now. Sorry, I got myself all confused.

xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

So did I at first Ive filled a few of these things out so far, practice makes perfect!

Would be interesting to know what you come out as :)

[canadian mike]

Ross,

Don't sweat it, bud! I actually appreciate topics which trigger me, as they are an opportunity for introspection. Sadly, I don't find such topics often enough, when I do - as with this one - I find immense value in re-reading them & analyzing the reasons behind my reactions. As I have not been in a state of crisis for many years, introspection is sometimes all I have for evaluation. When I said thank you, I really meant it. Now, back to re-read!

Mike

[canadian mike]

1) Acting in grandiose or haughty ways, as though you are very important or superior (whilst feeling very much that you are not)

Of these ten points, I find this the most difficult to address/admit to. When recounting my past & my future plans, I seem to speak/post in such a manner as to mislead people. Though this is, I think, an unconscious thing, the responses I receive are "positive licks", which leave me feeling both good and a fraud. most ambivalent!(see dictionary term)

How long before they find out that I am nothing special, that I'm barely average?

2) Trying to act as though you are not afraid of anything, being 'counterphobic' and deliberately doing stuff that scares you.

In my work, I often am suspended 60 to 100 feet in the air. alternatively, I can be found squeezed into a small, dark, space, in the bowels of a ship. I am known at work for being willing to take on these jobs, yet, I suffer from extreme claustrophobia & vertigo, silently. In my personal life, I have clashed with multiple members of street gangs, from Vancouver to Taiwan, playing "Sir Galahad" to people being bullied. In reality, I am very afraid of these people.

3) Trying to be centre of attention

My mouth & my fingers(typing) never stop. The worst thing I can imagine would be being ignored.

4) Feeling you shouldnt have to do certain tasks or that you should not have the same expectations placed on you as others

Another shameful admission: My wife does almost all of the housework. I seem unable to motivate myself to do any of it, though I feel much guilt at not doing my share.

5) Not letting anyone get close to you, acting as though you do not need anyone else

I have no friends. I want friends, desparately, yet, I feel that they will abandon me. I do not like to be hugged, something that is well-known in my family. Human contact burns my soul, literally, I feel. Though I avoid social situations, I am a person whom would like to be social, in an "ideal" world, where I do not feel judged. Don't touch me, don't love me, don't pat me on the head. Don't tell me that you appreciate me or that you are concerned about me. Most of all, if you do all of these things, hold me, don't leave me, until the end of time.

6) Suppressing or denying emotions such as anxiety that you view as weak - focusing on only showing 'strong' behaviours. Being too self controlled.

(see answer to #2)

7) Acting in a controlling or dominant way (again with a feeling of underlying fear)

My challenges with the world in which I live stem from my inability to control it. I am not in control of social settings, so I do not attend. In these forums, I want to talk about you, not about me. On boats, I must be the captain. At work I must be the "go-to" guy. Whatever I do, I must lead, never follow.

8) Being extremely competitive and that you cannot be beaten (again out of fear)

I used to compete in all things. Now, often, I simply do not do. If I were to compete, someone might beat me. I am now much more cognizant of where I compete. This does not extend to work. I have destroyed my shoulders, arms, hands, knees and feet in lifting more, doing more than the other steelworkers. I am a perfectionist in what I do & live for the accolades of my chargehands/supervisors/managers/fellow workers.

9) Being rebellious (out of a feeling of being controlled or dominated)

I detest the establishment & societal convention. I have embarked on all of my journeys, not running toward a dream, but running away from what I feel to be a restrictive society. Though I have been involved in many protests, I secretly idolize those anarchists whom show up to such events & begin destroying property. Though I very much wish to join them, I restrain myself to avoid arrest. jail, possible job loss, etc. "The spirit is willing, yet, the flesh is weak."

10) Intellectualising or rationalising emotions or actions to the exclusion of healthy expression

How does that make you feel? Please, god, don't make me feel. Feelings are pain. Just let me be. Allow me to talk away the condition without having to delve into it. Don't let them catch on that I am the broken machine. Don't allow my eyes to brim with tears. Wipe it all away with sanitized phrases & verbosity.

Don't know if this is what you're looking for, Ross. Hope it helps.

[canadian mike]

1) Acting in grandiose or haughty ways, as though you are very important or superior (whilst feeling very much that you are not)

Of these ten points, I find this the most difficult to address/admit to. When recounting my past & my future plans, I seem to speak/post in such a manner as to mislead people. Though this is, I think, an unconscious thing, the responses I receive are "positive licks", which leave me feeling both good and a fraud. most ambivalent!(see dictionary term)

How long before they find out that I am nothing special, that I'm barely average?

2) Trying to act as though you are not afraid of anything, being 'counterphobic' and deliberately doing stuff that scares you.

In my work, I often am suspended 60 to 100 feet in the air. alternatively, I can be found squeezed into a small, dark, space, in the bowels of a ship. I am known at work for being willing to take on these jobs, yet, I suffer from extreme claustrophobia & vertigo, silently. In my personal life, I have clashed with multiple members of street gangs, from Vancouver to Taiwan, playing "Sir Galahad" to people being bullied. In reality, I am very afraid of these people.

3) Trying to be centre of attention

My mouth & my fingers(typing) never stop. The worst thing I can imagine would be being ignored.

4) Feeling you shouldnt have to do certain tasks or that you should not have the same expectations placed on you as others

Another shameful admission: My wife does almost all of the housework. I seem unable to motivate myself to do any of it, though I feel much guilt at not doing my share.

5) Not letting anyone get close to you, acting as though you do not need anyone else

I have no friends. I want friends, desparately, yet, I feel that they will abandon me. I do not like to be hugged, something that is well-known in my family. Human contact burns my soul, literally, I feel. Though I avoid social situations, I am a person whom would like to be social, in an "ideal" world, where I do not feel judged. Don't touch me, don't love me, don't pat me on the head. Don't tell me that you appreciate me or that you are concerned about me. Most of all, if you do all of these things, hold me, don't leave me, until the end of time.

6) Suppressing or denying emotions such as anxiety that you view as weak - focusing on only showing 'strong' behaviours. Being too self controlled.

(see answer to #2)

7) Acting in a controlling or dominant way (again with a feeling of underlying fear)

My challenges with the world in which I live stem from my inability to control it. I am not in control of social settings, so I do not attend. In these forums, I want to talk about you, not about me. On boats, I must be the captain. At work I must be the "go-to" guy. Whatever I do, I must lead, never follow.

8) Being extremely competitive and that you cannot be beaten (again out of fear)

I used to compete in all things. Now, often, I simply do not do. If I were to compete, someone might beat me. I am now much more cognizant of where I compete. This does not extend to work. I have destroyed my shoulders, arms, hands, knees and feet in lifting more, doing more than the other steelworkers. I am a perfectionist in what I do & live for the accolades of my chargehands/supervisors/managers/fellow workers.

9) Being rebellious (out of a feeling of being controlled or dominated)

I detest the establishment & societal convention. I have embarked on all of my journeys, not running toward a dream, but running away from what I feel to be a restrictive society. Though I have been involved in many protests, I secretly idolize those anarchists whom show up to such events & begin destroying property. Though I very much wish to join them, I restrain myself to avoid arrest. jail, possible job loss, etc. "The spirit is willing, yet, the flesh is weak."

10) Intellectualising or rationalising emotions or actions to the exclusion of healthy expression

How does that make you feel? Please, god, don't make me feel. Feelings are pain. Just let me be. Allow me to talk away the condition without having to delve into it. Don't let them catch on that I am the broken machine. Don't allow my eyes to brim with tears. Wipe it all away with sanitized phrases & verbosity.

Don't know if this is what you're looking for, Ross. Hope it helps.

[canadian mike]

Sorry for the double post. Don't know how to remove it. Tried.

[AveMaria]

I finally had time to do the long Young Schema Questionnaire! It took a while, but now I can understand your posts better, lol. And I know a little more to work on... not sure if that is actually a good thing, lol problems seem to multiply more than solutions! Like you said, technically I have quite a few schemas... too much to focus on atm. But, if I just count the ones that I have 60% or more of 5's and 6's, then my main ones are emotional deprivation, defectiveness/shame, abandonment, and self sacrifice. No real surprises there, but I did find it interesting how I could relate to the emotional deprivation and defectiveness/shame questions. Not sure if you could call that a good thing, but it gives me more an idea of what I should probably focus on. Thanks for all the info, help, and links. Schema is pretty interesting.

xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi Ave

It will feel like you have uncovered 'new' problems - but in fact what you have done is uncovered the hidden sources of pain that have been driving your lifelong struggles. It is what lies beneath the fear, the anxiety, the sense of emptiness or loneliness that you describe. Far from creating new problems, you have just pulled back the curtain that stopped you seeing what is really causing your hurt. Now that you can 'see the enemy', you can begin to take aim. As you say, its like you may have been faintly aware that these were issues, but seeing them written on the page somehow brings them more concretely into consciousness, instead of lurking in the background. You may have a slight sense of "ok I know my schemas, now what?". Some people fill the form and feel like the insight alone should change them - but one of the core principles of schema is that insight is only a jumping off point. Real emotional and personal change takes much longer and a combination of approaches.

In the next few days you may notice feelings coming up, and wonder "ooh is that my emotional deprivation (etc) schema?" You may begin to link feelings to the schemas themselves, and they may well also relate to the 'lower scoring' ones, not just the highest ones. If you wanted to start to understand them in depth, then the website isnt going to provide much more info. The internet is sadly understocked on the most useful schema info Prolly copyright or sumthin ...The reinventing your life book, plus another one called "emotional alchemy" by tara bennett goleman, will provide a lot more detail, insight and suggestions on how to begin to work with your schemas. Reading the book will give the emotional detail that you cant get from the questionnaire and its written in a very human and caring way. Quite often the RYL book actually makes me cry - it really gets down to the core of the experience.

[hummm_mabbe]

1) Acting in grandiose or haughty ways, as though you are very important or superior (whilst feeling very much that you are not)

Of these ten points, I find this the most difficult to address/admit to. When recounting my past & my future plans, I seem to speak/post in such a manner as to mislead people. Though this is, I think, an unconscious thing, the responses I receive are "positive licks", which leave me feeling both good and a fraud. most ambivalent!(see dictionary term)

How long before they find out that I am nothing special, that I'm barely average?

2) Trying to act as though you are not afraid of anything, being 'counterphobic' and deliberately doing stuff that scares you.

In my work, I often am suspended 60 to 100 feet in the air. alternatively, I can be found squeezed into a small, dark, space, in the bowels of a ship. I am known at work for being willing to take on these jobs, yet, I suffer from extreme claustrophobia & vertigo, silently. In my personal life, I have clashed with multiple members of street gangs, from Vancouver to Taiwan, playing "Sir Galahad" to people being bullied. In reality, I am very afraid of these people.

3) Trying to be centre of attention

My mouth & my fingers(typing) never stop. The worst thing I can imagine would be being ignored.

4) Feeling you shouldnt have to do certain tasks or that you should not have the same expectations placed on you as others

Another shameful admission: My wife does almost all of the housework. I seem unable to motivate myself to do any of it, though I feel much guilt at not doing my share.

5) Not letting anyone get close to you, acting as though you do not need anyone else

I have no friends. I want friends, desparately, yet, I feel that they will abandon me. I do not like to be hugged, something that is well-known in my family. Human contact burns my soul, literally, I feel. Though I avoid social situations, I am a person whom would like to be social, in an "ideal" world, where I do not feel judged. Don't touch me, don't love me, don't pat me on the head. Don't tell me that you appreciate me or that you are concerned about me. Most of all, if you do all of these things, hold me, don't leave me, until the end of time.

6) Suppressing or denying emotions such as anxiety that you view as weak - focusing on only showing 'strong' behaviours. Being too self controlled.

(see answer to #2)

7) Acting in a controlling or dominant way (again with a feeling of underlying fear)

My challenges with the world in which I live stem from my inability to control it. I am not in control of social settings, so I do not attend. In these forums, I want to talk about you, not about me. On boats, I must be the captain. At work I must be the "go-to" guy. Whatever I do, I must lead, never follow.

8) Being extremely competitive and that you cannot be beaten (again out of fear)

I used to compete in all things. Now, often, I simply do not do. If I were to compete, someone might beat me. I am now much more cognizant of where I compete. This does not extend to work. I have destroyed my shoulders, arms, hands, knees and feet in lifting more, doing more than the other steelworkers. I am a perfectionist in what I do & live for the accolades of my chargehands/supervisors/managers/fellow workers.

9) Being rebellious (out of a feeling of being controlled or dominated)

I detest the establishment & societal convention. I have embarked on all of my journeys, not running toward a dream, but running away from what I feel to be a restrictive society. Though I have been involved in many protests, I secretly idolize those anarchists whom show up to such events & begin destroying property. Though I very much wish to join them, I restrain myself to avoid arrest. jail, possible job loss, etc. "The spirit is willing, yet, the flesh is weak."

10) Intellectualising or rationalising emotions or actions to the exclusion of healthy expression

How does that make you feel? Please, god, don't make me feel. Feelings are pain. Just let me be. Allow me to talk away the condition without having to delve into it. Don't let them catch on that I am the broken machine. Don't allow my eyes to brim with tears. Wipe it all away with sanitized phrases & verbosity.

Don't know if this is what you're looking for, Ross. Hope it helps.

Hi Mike

Thanks for the responses, yes it does answer my question. I can see that these same feelings and actions come up for many people as well as myself, and that helps because previously I can see I ws having a rather classic BPD type thought - "all these feelings and actions make me a bad person - and because I am the only one who does them, I really am bad. All these other people really are nice and only see themselves as bad when theyre not. I really am bad because I do these things". But I see now Im not the only one who does them, and I still see everyone else as being nice and good. So if everyone else is nice and good, and does these things and feels these things, then I might just be a good and nice person too ...

Whats also interesting is the widely varying way that everyone has related to the different 'categories'. It shows just how unique each of us is.