Roses Posted April 4, 2009 Report Share Posted April 4, 2009 I can't believe after nearly a year of not throwing up I just made myself sick like 8 times and now I feel really content and empty and happy. I'm now sat here thinking of how to time my meals and tablets so that when I throw up next time I don't bring my tablets up too. Why does it feel so damn good....?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marc-74 Posted April 4, 2009 Report Share Posted April 4, 2009 I can't believe after nearly a year of not throwing up I just made myself sick like 8 times and now I feel really content and empty and happy. I'm now sat here thinking of how to time my meals and tablets so that when I throw up next time I don't bring my tablets up too. Why does it feel so damn good....??aaaahhhh reminds me of when i used to take shit loads of Es Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted April 4, 2009 Report Share Posted April 4, 2009 Are you feeling out of control in your life? That's when things like that feel really good to me... even when I realize it shouldn't as its a negative thing. I am sorry that you are dealing with this though, I am sure it is hard and it could be so harmful to you. Are you doing ok? How are you feeling about your body? Does that play into it at all? I am thinking of you, and try not to get sucked into doing something you know is harmful to you just because of the good feelings it is giving you. Hugs! Take care of yourself.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2009 When I hit 13 I didn't eat and my weight plummeted. I survived off 3 salad leaves, a tomato and a chunk of cucumber each day for about a year. At one point I didn't eat for 2 weeks. Then as I went into late teens this became bulimia and I would throw up every meal I managed to eat (even if it was just a biscuit) and took 20 senna laxative tablets a day as well as binge drinking and drugs. I was a mess and I have body dysmorphia. It was always another half a stone, another half a stone...This has been under control (mostly) since my kids came with just minor bouts but the body image thing is still there. All these tablets make me prone to keep weight on. I usually have quite a high metabolism and stay at a regular size but recently I have put on about 10lbs!!!! I feel like a beached whale and am disgusted with myself. I know what I should do and people with ed's know all about diet and exercise and what they should/shouldn't do but I just do feel out of control with my weight. You are right, it's not my life - just my weight. I just want to be beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tray Posted April 4, 2009 Report Share Posted April 4, 2009 hunny you are beutifulits hard, its addictive, its so damn hard to control it, but you have for a year! this is one moment of madness, one blip... dont let you overpower you again, stay strong... there is obv a reasoning behind why now? whats been going throu your mind? has anythin started you off? you say you put on weight, which is unusual, is there any reason for that that you can think off?please stay strong xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2009 thanks Tray. I appreciate your support. I hope you are OK today. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tray Posted April 4, 2009 Report Share Posted April 4, 2009 hey rose, meh im ok, bumbling throulittle un's in bed, can you believe she is teething!!! defo got 2 coming throu, she fine with it tho, but putting bongela on after every feed. she has now slept straight throu the nite for a whole week, from around 10pm till 7 am ish. we thought she had measles y-day, got a rash, turns out its from this cold she got... damn it made me itchy thinking about it!!!she is smiling and laughing loads these last few days bless xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2009 I'm glad to hear she is smiling and laughing for you a lot now! That is good. I'm glad to hear she is sleeping through for you. Yeah, viral rashes are nasty cos nothing you can really do for them cos antibiotics don't work on them. Luckily they usually go as quick as they came. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2009 I want to grab my horrid, fat tummy and just cut the fat off. I keep seeing myself doing it and the feelings are good... I know I won't cut it off but I don't know what I am going to do if that makes sense. I feel like I want to let it all out on here but I am so upset by things on here recently that I'm scared. I feel like my support rope has been broken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tray Posted April 7, 2009 Report Share Posted April 7, 2009 hey rose, whats going on? if you cant post it, pm me instead x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lola1515 Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 i'm sorry you are going through this ;(xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 Thank you both for your support. It is much appreciated and I am OK and have not self-harmed. Will try and keep even and going in the right direction. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 :grouphug[1]: xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 Dani-Girl, thanks honey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 No probs....don't forget our date now xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 You bring so much happiness me, thank you. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bumblepipi Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 :grouphug[1]: oh rose i had no idea you have been going through the mill. i can so relate to wanting to cut bits off, not that i would do it. i usually start the throw up thing if i am trying to find some comfort it's usually an indicator that i am refusing to address something distressing. hope you are feeling a bit better today. you are so helpful to others i hope we can do the same for u. xB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 You bring so much happiness me, thank you. xxx xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 Thank you Dani-girl and Bumble. Am thinking happy thoughts of my children. Hope you all have a good night. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2009 So I had a letter telling me I am not allowed to drive and have to send my plastic and paper licence back to DVLA. I want to run away and never come back. I am a failure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted April 9, 2009 Report Share Posted April 9, 2009 . I feel like I want to let it all out on here but I am so upset by things on here recently that I'm scared. I feel like my support rope has been broken.no no nodear rosesthe support is hereand will remaini am so sorry about the dvlai dont drive - but i know it must be an enormous blow for youdo u know why?xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2009 I had to inform them after put on new drugs, them and insurance. I just feel like all of my dignity is slowly being taken away from me. Everything I am is no more and I am someone strange and ill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted April 9, 2009 Report Share Posted April 9, 2009 it is not written in stonethings can changebetter that you get well first Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted April 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2009 I understand. But I just feel like I am being stripped to the bone. Is probably me just being needy. I'll get over it. I usually do. Just another thing to try and push down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boy_Blue Posted April 9, 2009 Report Share Posted April 9, 2009 I understand. But I just feel like I am being stripped to the bone. Is probably me just being needy. I'll get over it. I usually do. Just another thing to try and push down.Shit Rose. Sorry to hear that about your licence. It is a big deal. You must feel crap. Lets hope that it is temporary and that you will get it back when you feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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