A Confused Post

[catspiracy]

I have not been participating very much here lately. I've been going through a huge redefinition of my self, and it feels like recovery. I have noticed that my problems are so trivial lately compared to landing oneself in the hospital or whatnot. My posts about probably routine, omg--NORMAL--, family issues go mostly without comment, and that makes me wonder a lot of things.....

I have actually been able to be present for the joyous gratitude for all that my life contains for me. However, singing out praises seems somehow arrogant and wrong here. And so I guess to some extent I have been holding back, kind of like how when you are single and you finally get an amazing partner, your friends get sick of all the lovey-dovey bs and start complaining or making puke noises when you keep talking about how great your love life is. To go on and on like that in front of your single friends is gauche, and so, too, it seems, is gushing about recovery among the agonized.

And then last night, i had horror movie dreams about my poor daughter. In the dream, I brought her to what I thought were vibey reiki people, but it turned out it was a sadistic horror set where she was abused in ways that wouldn't let me go back to sleep once i'd dreamed them. And as my bipolar cycle continues its downspin, I am wondering, will I ever truly get "well"? And I started to gather up the observations I've been collecting about myself using Mindfulness, and I realize that I don't think I will ever stop being bipolar. I really feel that condition in my very cells and the juice in between them.

But my personality disorder? That is fading fast. DBT self help, the family pulling together, Alisha's therapist committing to us and seeing us for free when we have less than no money, my own spiritual development and the way my prayer for "More good than I have ever imagined, experienced, or manifested before" keeps being fulfilled--there's just so little room left for self-loathing and emotional lability!

I want to remain here, in this warm cocoon of people who understand my Dark Light and live with their own. And I want to continue to open up and share whatever I have to give here. I DON'T want people to think I think I'm better than anyone. I'm not. I'm just a Fool and a Freak, humble and available to more good--the good I do, and the good I get. I want to still feel the warm web of your understanding and acceptance and I want to continue to be a lightworker resource to you, my friends.

Maybe all of this is denial and delusion. Maybe I still am bat-shit. I know I am still highly vulnerable. But I am beginning to construe that vulnerability as the strength of character it truly can be when I stop getting in its way with s/h.

I don't know what this thread is supposed to be about, but I hope people reply to it somehow because I could really use the hugs.

love and light to you,

cat

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo Missie Catsie person

Im glad that you are feeling better and stuff Hopefully you are right, this is recovery, but even if its not the progress you have made is real.

It is true that with personality disorders, life situations can make us feel much better and really change us. For me I have had random times where I have felt much better, and this has in retrospect been tied to a time where some series of events has made me feel better abut myself - for example getting a place on a graduate programme with a big company, I found I was suddenly confident and chasing after pretty girls again. But once the sheen of that achievement wore off, and the reality of the grad programme set in, all the same feelings came back. Girls terrified me again! Those things are very unique to me, but it may be that some situation in life is making you feel wanted, needed, capable or some change in status and this is making you feel better, so should you find a resurgence of symptoms, its important to ask yourself "what was it that ws making me feel good at that time? What does the meaning of that thing tell me about whats important to me and my illness?".

For me it made me realise that status and achievement were very important to me, part of the overcompensatory side of my problems. Getting the grades, getting the job, being the acheiver - when these things were happening it was like i would momentarily become a different person. Then when the glow wore off, all the old problems came back. For me it has been about finding out what I really need, as opposed to what I want. Giving up the hollow surrogates and finding out what my heart needs.

To me it sounds like you have thought much more about what your heart needs, and so maybe you have finally started to get it - in which case hopefully this progress you have made will be long lasting

Huuuuuuuuuuuuuugs :bigarmhug[1]:

[Rael]

*waves*

i often feel like bits that felt really broken seem to be fixed. sadly that hasnt turned out to be the case but when people say that they feel better, that gives me hope that that point can be reached, and can be maintained. and no matter what stage of recovery you are in i would still want to see you here, sharing your light, it reaches me too and it helps to know that someone i care about feels good.

i always find that the bipolar is the one i cant get away from too, always seems to creep in when everything else is looking semi-ok so now i just swallow the pills and try and ignore it (prob not the best plan and not overly successful )

whether this is you beating the pd or not, it is definitely you moving forwards and however it plays out i hope you will stay here with us.

(not sure i stayed on track with what i wanted to say there but hey )

xxx

[AveMaria]

I am not sure exactly what you want... but I did understand how much hugs and support can help. That is one thing I am good at! :bigarmhug[1]: Thinking of you and wishing you even more happiness in your life!

xxx

[catspiracy]

I just need hugzzz

i am cryingmy eyes out now.

she told me that my pain means nothing , she sarcastically "hopes i feel better for hurting"

people, i have tried everything

i have told her I abused her and that i am the evil one and she says no you'yre not,

and then when i feel like a saint, i say i am the evil one and she says no you are the saint

this is all bullshit

i want to cut and to die, if ididnt have my boy i would slash and bleed~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[catspiracy]

TRIGGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I rarely feel like cutting

but my daughter make me want to BLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD

i want do die, why did i do this to myself?????????????????????????

[catspiracy]

I am a pi8ece of shit who did thsi to her, kill me!

eviscerate mef!

fucking killllllll me!

[catspiracy]

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGE R

she dosnt want me

tell her to bundle up all of the i love you i left for her

fucking tell her

fucking take it

i m ndotreal, i don t exist

take it

take me

motherhood fuck tath noise

im not real if dondt exist take it, pulverixze me, take ittakeittakeittakeittakeittaketi takea it

[catspiracy]

slash them, i dont carea

drive aftete her and hate her the helmet lack

i suck i deserver the helmet disfuck., i dissserve death

i hate4 bein the mom of a teen

i deserve to die

[Rael]

you dont deserve to die hun, honestly. she is a teenager which means she cant see all the shit you have been through and what you have faced to try and work things out with her. when i was a teenager i couldnt see that stuff either. that really doesnt excuse what she is saying and neither does it minimize how this is making you feel. but you have looked at anything you have done, you have faced it, admitted it and now, im sorry but it sounds like she is using that against you. it doesnt make it true it makes her a troubled girl who is lashing out and using whatever weapon she thinks will hurt the most. and damn she has found it.

i only have my own experiences as a teenager to go on and i know it will be different for everyone so the above really is just my first thoughts.

is there anywhere you can go to get some space, anything you can do that is just for you and that can let you get lost in it for a while or something, even some meditation maybe?

i realize i am rambling cos i want to help and im not really sure how, i just really wish you werent going through this.

xxx

[profound1]

Aww Cat, big massive hugs comin your way.

I wish I could think of something useful to say but i can't right now, braindead...... oh I lie, you don't deserve to die at all. Being a parent is soooo hard, it really can push ya to the limit. I know it isn't easy but we can only do our best. Take care, don't beat yourself up.

P1

[catspiracy]

this happened to show me I am not well.

that's all this is.

I am not well.

I am still unfit to be a mother.

[catspiracy]

my hub won't even talk to me tonight.

that means I am too crazy.

i am too crazy to love.

[AveMaria]

No! You are not unfit to be a mother and you are certainly not too crazy to love! You care about your family and you help people on here every day. I am sorry your husband isn't there for you, it sounds like you would have appreciated extra support, but that doesn't mean he thinks you are too crazy to love. You are an amazing and loving person. Stay safe, are you having trouble sleeping? Maybe things would look up in the morning, but I can never sleep if I am that upset. Have you tried distracting?

xxx

[catspiracy]

its not his fault, he didnt want to get into it and that's probly cos i drank too much.

it's all my fault.

[AveMaria]

Maybe you made a small mistake, but its not all your fault. You were feeling overwhelmed, if you did something negative to try to cope, that doesn't mean that its all your fault. Have you tried distracting at all? Hope you feel better soon.

xxx

[catspiracy]

I slept and woke up after my hubby had come home and made them leftovers for dinner and everyone was in bed already.

he said he wouldnt talk about it, probably because i was still loopy when i finaly got up.

i dont understand myself and I dont understand why i set myself up for this. I was better off single and trying to kill myself than this. Now I have children watching my every move and getting ruined by me. Before, there was only myself to be responsible for.

distraction? good idea. but how? I feel like any moment taken from self-loathing is a lie and a selfish indulgence.

[AveMaria]

Don't beat yourself up for a minor mistake you feel you made. Everyone got fed and got to go to sleep, you are the one suffering! That means that you are the one who gets to have time for yourself and time to distract. That isn't selfish at all. You are upset, you deserve to do whatever will make you feel better. You have a wonderful family who loves you, you weren't better off single. You were given the gift of a family perhaps so you would have something else keeping you here. Stay safe and try to do something for yourself.

xxx

[catspiracy]

thank you ave maria. i feel ashamed of being so depressed alll of a sudden for nothing. I say stupid things. Please forgive me for wasting your time.

[AveMaria]

You aren't saying stupid things and you aren't wasting my time at all! You just needed a little support for a little bit, that is normal. You help people on here all the time, don't feel bad just because you had a down night! I just hope you get to sleep and feel better in the morning.

xxx

[shed]

I slept and woke up after my hubby had come home and made them leftovers for dinner and everyone was in bed already.

he said he wouldnt talk about it, probably because i was still loopy when i finaly got up.

i dont understand myself and I dont understand why i set myself up for this. I was better off single and trying to kill myself than this. Now I have children watching my every move and getting ruined by me. Before, there was only myself to be responsible for.

distraction? good idea. but how? I feel like any moment taken from self-loathing is a lie and a selfish indulgence.

hi, i really just wanted to send you a big hug and reply to this bit. i struggle daily with the fact i have kids relying on me. weird fucked up me. what did they do to deserve a mum like me? maybe they'd be better off with some-one else? thing is i am their mum and they need me and i'm stuck. i can't simply od or run away. i have to put them first.

it's tough. i hate the times when i've been in hospital and away from my son. really do feel i let him down. but i love them so much and want them to have a good life. i want them to be happy and not to feel alone. i can be there for them, i can listen and i think because of some of things i've been through i won't judge them. there are some positives to being a mum who understands the pressures and problems life can bring. you can understand and empathise where others may not. my mum couldn't deal with my sh because she didn't have any understanding of it. she simply denied the problems. that's not to say she was a bad mum, she had qualities of organisation and budgeting etc that i fall flat on. the thing is we all have some qualities that can be useful in parenting. mine are listening and accepting. i'm sure you have some really postive qualities if you look.

love and hugs, debbie xxxxxxx

[Dani]

i am so sorry you are going through this right now,you are not an unfit mother cat.

big hugs to you.

xxxxxxxxx

[catspiracy]

i dont know what i would do without you guys.

i am going to be so ashamed at therapy thursday nite!

[wednesday]

Hey Cat!!

I was really touched by your first post. I feel it too- because I have a better life ( I don't do crazy things any more) if I say that on here it sometimes seems to me that I sound like a 'know it all'. Its not true--Really we should not feel bad because we are doing well- and are trying to share with others how this happened to us---You really don't have to go into the mode of self apology and definately don't put yourself down.

It read as though you were just giving yourself a good kicking. Just stop that! Just make a decision not to do that any more. Even if tha worst was true and some great judge in the sky said yes -you are the worst in truth (which I know is not so) --thinking it makes you more ill and less able to love your partner and child!

Keep yourself grounded-- these bad thoughs will continue to come and torture us from time to time--it doesn't mean that they are true.!!!!

[Rael]

its not selfish to allow yourself some distraction and you are definitely not a bad mother, all that you have gone through to try and work things out and make them right, that shows amazing love and determination. with a child acting up it will prob be hard on hubby too and whilst you are undeserving of it he may inadvertently end up taking it out on you because he doesnt know how else to react (when bf is pissed off or stressed at something i always get the backlash). it doesnt help the feelings when it happens though i know.

you dont have anything to be ashamed of at therapy, you have feelings, thoughts, reactions, everyone is entitled to them.

xxx